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Quacking all the way to the rehab center

Old 04-07-2011, 07:37 AM
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Quacking all the way to the rehab center

He keeps talking, but all I hear is quacking. "This has never happened to me before." "this might be the hardest thing I ever have to do." and "i'm just scared." And then "I am going to talk to my doctor about extensive outpatient because you guys need me to be here." Why is it that all I hear is Quack. I'm glad this forum gave me a name for it.

Yesterday, on my way home from work, I saw his car at the corner store right by our house. I pulled in and watched as he walked out with one of those 3 pack tall bud lights. He saw me and put it down by the door, then walked out to my car and told me that he went to buy a pack of smokes.

I walked over to the beer, picked it up and tossed it into the trash can and asked him to go home. I followed him home. He gave me his keys and apologized. He had not been drinking, he was about to start. This, I said is why extensive outpatient would never work. He had no choice but to agree.

He explained that he had a bad day. Went to see an employment laywer to see if he could get is job back or sue his employer. They took his fee and told him he didn't have a chance. He then went to unemployment who told him since he was fired he would have to have a hearing and waiting period if he qualified.

He kept apologizing for his "near miss" and thanking me for "saving him".

I went upstairs and did some lesson plans, played on facebook, etc. I didn't get angry or even want to discuss it. Since I wouldn't play the game, he came to me ready to cry asking if I didn't care.

I explained that I'm too tired to fight about it and it was stupid for him to have bought it, and I was tired and asked him to just leave me alone and for him to calm down.

I am still wearing this engagement ring. He wants me to say that I will be here when he gets back. I'm trying to be honest, and still be kind. I don't want to be his excuse not to get treatment. In my heart, I would love if he could turn this around. I would love to be able to grown old with this man, but not like it has been. I am grieving at the loss of the future I was planning with him.

His son stayed at the house again last night. This morning I found him in the kitchen tearing up a Christmas picture that we had taken as a family. His mother told him that "your dad is going to have to go away for awhile." and who knows what else she told him.
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Old 04-07-2011, 08:12 AM
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Its all quacks until action happens, and even then, in my case, it is now about whether he can SUSTAIN the changes.

And that all just pertains to the parenting.

I dont even know what to think about the love part.
This is a man that I waited for for 10 years.

Im 42, now.

If he is doing it to make you happy, then it wont stick.
He needs a bottom to smack him in the face.
You should not have to expend any more energy, waste anymore time even trying to orchestrate that, or even create a good climate for it to happen in.

Your action, as yours, for you, will either affect him positively, or not.
You need to take your actions regardless, because I know you dont want to spend 10 years waiting and accruing more disrespect and anger.

like I did.

sending you love and support!
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Old 04-07-2011, 08:14 AM
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oh that poor boy...he must be so confused and angry. Have you considered suggesting to the mother that he get some counselling? Even a weekly or a bi-monthly session might help...There was a period (during which my XAH drank A LOT) where my stepson had a LOT of anger and unresolved emotions; I had the social worker I was seeing call his school counsellor. The counsellor brought him in on a few occasions to check in with him;it seemed to help a great deal.

As for you, you're doing SO well at handling this highly emotional situation and not letting yourself get sucked into discussions that will lead absolutely nowhere. Good job!
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Old 04-07-2011, 08:45 AM
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AL ANON and AL ATEEN....is highly recommended...
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Old 04-07-2011, 02:26 PM
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Even knowing that he is going to rehab (tomorrow, right? wasn't it friday he was leaving?), he still made the decision to buy beer. If you hadn't been there, he would have chugged them all on the way home. And then lied to you when he got there.

Detachment is to keep on driving by when you see his car at the corner store. I bet you knew what you were going to see as soon as you stopped. And you saw him lying to you, and to himself. Detachment is vary hard at first, I went through it with my ex. Purposefully taken a different route home from work, so I wouldn't drive past the pub that he frequented, because I knew that seeing his unregistered, unlicensed, and uninsured car in the parking lot would trigger me to do something stupid, to get involved.

Doesn't sound like he wants to get better. Outpatient rehab would just make it easier for him to cheat. Glad you caught it.

Please don't let him get into your brain. The tears, and the "why don't you care about me?" and the thank you's for "saving him". They love to remind us how necessary we are to their recovery, to them "making it". Bull****.

Now get back on facebook and play some poker or something!
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Old 04-07-2011, 03:12 PM
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I hear quack quack quack all the time with my AH. He is going to rehab in the morning..well detox for 3-5 days then hopefully they can get him right into the classes which will be 28 days inpatient. He broke down last night..so I'm not sure if it was all a ploy or what..but I have been detaching as best as I can so it had nothing to do with me badgering or griping at him. Wishing you nothing but the best and praying for you and him and your family. Hugs!!
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