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Too good to be true?

Old 04-06-2011, 04:23 PM
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Too good to be true?

So ah has been in recovery for 40-something days. This is his 1st time. He basically spent out entire relationship (7 years) abusing alcohol. As it got worse, so did our relationship until I was basically living with a person I despised until I felt fiancially in the place to take my children and leave. My feelings were dead for him, I was so over his alcoholism and what it was doing to my life.

He finally admitted he was an alcoholic (something I knew for years) and has been actively getting help. He's seeing a therapist weekly to address the issues that got him to this point and going to AA 4+ times a week.

I've been amazed. He has been making such a transformation. He is thoughtful, considerate and level-headed these days. He talks about being so glad he finally got help and how he is happy for the 1st time in longer then he can remember.

I'm just wondering if this is real or just some kind of honeymoon period. I don't want to allow myself to be hopeful. For so long I had written off my marriage and basically acted like a single mom. I finally feel like I have a partner, and I am liking it.

He's saying all the right things. He's never been a very good liar so I believe that HE believes what he is saying about where he is at. I know it's said to 'detach', but I had for so long. When is it safe to embrace and move forward together? I feel like we've grown as a couple in so many ways over the last few weeks. And I think these healthy interactions are helping both of us. I just don't want to set myself up.
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Old 04-06-2011, 04:30 PM
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Are you now living apart from him? If so, I would just keep things the way they are for a while. Time will tell if this is true recovery or not. I wouldn't be willing to consider living together again until he had maintained this "new him" for at the very least 6 months, and most probably a full year.
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Old 04-06-2011, 04:31 PM
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I think you need to ask yourself if you are willing to take the risk. He maybe on the path to true and life long recovery, but he may not be and fall of the wagon sometime in the future. If you want to take the risk are you healthy enough to see if things are not going down the path of recovery and to be able to not be a codie? I would say think long and hard and take baby steps if you want to try a relationship with this person. 40 something days is tiny... I think I would be wanting sustained recovery for 6 months to a year before I would even think about getting fully involved.
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Old 04-06-2011, 04:42 PM
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It's probably somewhat of a "honeymoon period"--some people call it the "pink cloud". Everything just feels so TERRIFIC, it seems like everything is gonna be great from here on. What happens then is just... life. Life on life's terms, which can sometimes suck. And alcoholics are used to coping with sucky things by... drinking.

Now, people who are really committed to recovery learn to deal with the sucky aspects of life. But they don't always do it gracefully or happily--especially at first, when they are still getting used to it.

My first husband has now been sober 31 years--he went through his sometimes rocky moments in early sobriety and has wound up being one of the kindest, best people I will ever have the privilege to know. So it CAN happen.

Just be ready for moments that can be difficult. Sometimes there are slips, but sometimes not. Wait and see. More will be revealed.

Are you going to Al-Anon? It can help a lot if you're working a program, yourself. It will help you avoid the temptation to be too "helpful" with stuff he needs to be learning for himself, with the help of other recovered alcoholics.
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Old 04-06-2011, 06:27 PM
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I think if you work as hard at your own recovery as you want him to work at his, these questions will be moot.

Life is to be lived in the present moment. So, if things are good, enjoy it. The present can easily be messed up simply by trying to project what it means into the future. That's why they say "one day at a time."

I agree, though, that if you are living separately, no big rush to change that. It's important that you feel comfortable before getting back into the relationship fully. It might surprise you to know that you will find that comfort in YOU, not him. When you trust YOURSELF then it won't matter what he does or doesn't do and you won't live in fear of him relapsing.

L
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Old 04-06-2011, 06:49 PM
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Hard not to operate on worry and anxiety. Esp if you've been operating on that for some time. It won't go away overnight but it is also a waste of energy and doesn't change whatever transfomation he will or won't have.

Honestly I think recovery is different for everyone. Its probably like moving into a new house where you have all these great ideas and plans but as time goes on the reality of the work it will take settles in.
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Old 04-07-2011, 09:11 AM
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With all due respect...

...this is virtually impossible to answer (when will it be safe?).

I will say this, however. I believe that unless you are also engaged in your own recovery, separate from his, in Alanon, counseling, or both, that it will never be safe.

The only reason my alcoholic wife and I remain together is because she is actively engaged in AA, and I am actively engaged in Alanon, and we practice the prinicpals of the programs in all of our affairs.

Just my 2 cents. Take what you want and leave the rest.

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Old 04-07-2011, 09:44 AM
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I think that is why LTD bumped this link...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...hall-pass.html

Because there is no "finish line", no guarantees, no constant in life... everything changes and evolves.

Live life in the moment. Here and now. That's it. Maybe things will get worse, maybe they'll get better... doesn't really matter because 1) there's no way to predict which will happen and 2) there's nothing you can do to control the future.
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Old 04-07-2011, 11:45 AM
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I am so happy for you, that right now he is actively seeking recovery.
It is a good sign, that he is actively participating. Some never get that far.

That said, there are also stories where the alcoholic stops actively participating, and even without drinking, because self-absorbed. So there's no guarantee this will last forever - enjoy it while you can!

Take things one day at a time.
There's no crystal ball to predict the future, especially with addiction.
Don't rush things, enjoy all the good he's doing now, and see what happens.

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Old 04-07-2011, 12:03 PM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post

I am so happy for you, that right now he is actively seeking recovery.
It is a good sign, that he is actively participating. Some never get that far.

That said, there are also stories where the alcoholic stops actively participating, and even without drinking, because self-absorbed. So there's no guarantee this will last forever - enjoy it while you can!

Take things one day at a time.
There's no crystal ball to predict the future, especially with addiction.
Don't rush things, enjoy all the good he's doing now, and see what happens.

This is my experience. My AH has not drank for 1.5 years. But, the last 6 months have been terrible with him since he quit actively seeking recovery. He is back to that dark, self-absorbed place he was before. Even though he is not drinking, it is still a VERY difficult road. I wish you the best and hope your husband will continue to be active in his recovery in addition to staying away from alcohol.
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Old 04-07-2011, 03:21 PM
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I would definitely take things very slowly. I found out my AH had a drinking problem when he was admitted to the hospital with severe pancreatitis and nearly died the first year we were married. Before then I had no idea how much he drank, but little signs were popping up occassionally. He was so thankful to be alive, and credited me for saving his life. He went through rehab, joined the Celebrating Recovery group at church, went to AA and I thought things were all better.

Five years later he's been in the hospital two more times with pancreatitis and drinks as much or more than ever. He's miserable and hateful, most especially to me.

I was so eager to think things would be ok. I mean, I knew he would have to work at it. But I never knew what we were really in for back then. Now we have two small children and I'm struggling to get where I need to be so I can leave him - I just can't do this anymore. I was so clueless to what alcoholism really was. I thought I married the man of my dreams, but right now it feels like I'm married to a monster.

(((HUGS)))
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