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Almost there and it hurts so bad.....

Old 03-20-2011, 06:01 PM
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Almost there and it hurts so bad.....

RAH signed the divorce papers this weekend...car is being picked up to ship home next Monday....the movers are coming on the 30th. I'm waiting on a court date and then I can schedule my flight home. Saturday his boss called to see if he could work at another location (about 4 hours south) for the next two weeks. He'll be back home next weekend, but that's the last time I'll probably see him. It hit me HARD. He's in acceptance and has been very kind and loving, still hoping I'll change my mind. And I admit, sometimes I wonder if I should - it's not too late (while in the back of my mind wondering if his kindness is just more manipulation - it's so confusing). I'm remembering all the good times, the good things he's done, and feeling incredibly sad. For some reason (even reviewing my list of reasons why I'm leaving) I can't remember all the wrongs and the way I've felt for the past year and a half. I find myself minimizing everything and wanting to believe that maybe THIS time he means it, this time things will be different, that this is the action it took for him to really change. Even if his past behavior and history tell me otherwise. So I'm on my own for the next week and feel terribly lonely, hurting, sad....absolutely shattered on the inside. This is not the way I thought or wanted things to go when we married two years ago. I've cried buckets of tears the past couple of days and I know next weekend will be even harder. I'm right on the edge and barely hanging on to hope that I can make it to the other side....will it really be better over there? Will I regret this decision? Would I regret it if I stayed?? I do know that I'll never know the answer to any of it if I don't go.
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Old 03-20-2011, 06:11 PM
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Old 03-20-2011, 06:22 PM
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Yes, it's sad that it has come to this, but come to this it has. You wouldn't be human if it weren't painful.

You made a difficult decision, and you didn't come to it lightly. You didn't just decide, on a whim, to end your marriage. Even if you can't call them to mind right now, you had good reasons for your decision.

If he recovers, and your relationship heals, you can remarry him. If not, well, you have that much of a start on your new life.

Go ahead and mourn. Do your grieving. Pray for him. And take good care of yourself.
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Old 03-20-2011, 07:58 PM
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I am so sorry for your hurt. I know what its like to want to believe the best despite the odds. I remember a reading from Al Anon that helped put it in perspective for me. They equated the alcoholic to someone who has alzheimer's and that sometimes we see them during lucid moments and want to believe that they are better but they are not. That is what I keep trying to remember when my AH is nice to me when we bump into each other. It is such a different reaction than I was getting for the last year and a half that I want to believe that we could be ok again-but he is still drinking and not in recovery. I promised myself that I would NOT consider going back unless there was recovery. And then of course there would have to be some rebuilding of the respect and trust that has been shattered. Not impossible but it requires commitment and patience from both of us. And this I have seen no sign of either.
Perhaps the time he has to be away for work as you finalize plans to leave is a gift. A detachment, giving you time to grieve without having to deal with mixed messages from him. A time for you to feel your strength without him while you embark on your new life.
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Old 03-20-2011, 08:09 PM
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It is sad. I am so sorry you and the rest of us have to endure this darn disease. We don't know each other but are all suffering, but are recovering together which makes it a little easier. I am 3 1/2 yrs. after divorce and the PTSD is almost all over. I am at acceptance. I divorced a man I truly loved. I gave him to God. You don't see it but it will get better. I remember a while after I divorced I was out with some girlfriends and I heard myself laugh. I knew "I" was coming back to being myself. I saw my X from a distance a few weeks ago. I started to "romanticize" about him. I was sad. I remembered and admitted to myself I really loved him. I went home and saw all the Charlie Sheen stuff on tv and remembered some of the reasons I am not with the X. It is hard. It gets better.
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Old 03-20-2011, 08:31 PM
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Thanks for the responses....I'm hoping a nice hot bath and a good night's sleep will help me see things in a brighter light tomorrow. Jamaica-I thought the same thing, that it IS a gift of sorts that he'll be gone for the next couple of weeks...the finality of it all just hit me much harder than I expected today.

I'm looking forward to genuinely laughing again (heck, even smiling!) and discovering the new and improved version of "me". I have great friends and family who are anxious to see me and will surround me with love and support, and a job that will keep me very busy - all of which I'm very grateful for. As I said....I'm almost there....
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