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Suspecting Alcoholism and other Addictions in your relationship

Old 03-07-2011, 08:33 PM
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Suspecting Alcoholism and other Addictions in your relationship

Hello everyone.

I am coming here hoping for some sound advice. I have never had to deal with anything quite like this in my life. I am going to try and put it all out there in the easiest timeline possible, but I may have to skip around a few times. Sorry if it confuses anyone!

I have been dating a gentleman for a little over 3 months. I knew going in that he was about a year out of rehab from substance abuse. He has a full time job in a decent paying field. He has had this job since he was out of rehab (small town, I met him there) I truly believe he was sober when we met.

The first few weeks were lovely. He is a wonderful man and we instantly clicked. I developed feelings for him which makes this so hard. I know a few months isn't a long time but I guess it happens every now and then. I can't say I've felt this way before so soon in a new dating situation. And thats why I'm here. I want to at least give this a shot. I don't know what will come but I could at least use some guidance.

About a month into it he started wanting to drink. His addiction was not alcohol related, drugs instead so far as I know. It started off slowly and has increased from a couple every couple nights to becoming drunk every time we are out. We are usually together a few nights a week. I feel I have enabled this but realized it too little, too late. I feel incredibly guilty. Even more recent, he has been gambling and over the course of the last month he has borrowed a significant amount of money from me and I know he will not be able to pay it back.

He broke up with me when I said I needed the money back. And then apologized and said he would get it back asap, in payments. I did tell him I was no longer going to be able to give him money until he paid me back, that was two weeks ago.

The last week has been an emotional roller coaster. Over the course of the last seven days, he has demanded, pleaded, and used manipulation to try and get money out of me. I succumbed, borrowed money from a relative, and now I am in hot water. I know very bad choice on my part. He was so sincere and I just couldn't deal with how much it seemed to hurt him. I don't know how to explain it. It was terrible. I was almost convinced he would go back to drugs if I didn't help him gamble. I've bought him tickets. I've paid his way to the casino's. (we live close to a few larger ones).

Last night was just devastating. He demanded money. He was cruel. He gave me an ultimatum and said that if I couldn't come up with money for him, he didn't need me at all. I didn't have any money and he didn't talk to me until this afternoon. I did text him and asked him what was up. He was civil but curt and did not seem keen on even small talk. He ignored my last text. I know he's angry with me for not giving him money. He told me it was my fault that he was upset and how it affected his social life and involvement with friends. His father checks up on him nightly and apparently he told them he was with me one night when he didn't go home and his father stopped by. They asked me the next day what we did that night and I had no idea what they were talking about. Of course, he wasn't with me that night. So here I sit, alone in my apartment waiting for some glimmer of hope or advice.

Since I started typing this he did respond to my last text and said that our date for Wednesday was still fine.

I am fearful though. I don't know what I can say to help. Or at least minimize damage. I don't know what I should or shouldn't do. I don't know who to talk to or where to go. I was going to go to a Gam-Anon meeting if I could get out of work but the meeting is wednesday, same time as our date night. there are others during my work week but in all honestly I am afraid to go. I really don't even know where I stand in this mans life. If I'm just a source for money, if he actually may have cared. If I should just walk away now, or if I should be as supportive as possible. I don't know. I am hoping someone on here has some idea of what the right thing is. I just want to know what I can do to help him. *If* he even wants to see me again. I am so hurt that all of the nice things he has said could have possibly just been a ploy to get what he needed. And that his affection was likely an act and I fell for it. Ugh.

And I'm sure I left other things out. But I am emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. I want to sleep but i can't. I am worried and have a knot in my stomach that feels like it's going to explode. Someone, anyone. I will be eternally grateful to anyone who has bothered to read and reply.

And please don't criticize me for enabling him. I know it was wrong. I know now. I wish I could change it but I can't.
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barb dwyer (03-08-2011)
Old 03-07-2011, 10:03 PM
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Cut your losses.
The writing is on the wall, clear as can be.
You know this already.
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Old 03-07-2011, 10:13 PM
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NA teaches us that alcohol is a drug. You cannot drink at all and be considered sober in NA. This man is in no measurable way sober, and it is not your job to fix him (as if you could).

Run, don't walk. Get the hell out of there. Avoid contact at all costs.
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Old 03-08-2011, 04:33 AM
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My STBXAH is a compulsive gambler. I didn't know this when I married him, although I did know about the drinking (he was in "recovery" at the time and had 1.5 years sober). Long story short he started drinking again, secretly, after we married. Eleven months into the marriage I discovered this, in addition to the HUGE gambling issue. Lies, manipulations, promises, relapses, more lies...and two years later I'm leaving him. There is no trust and I've had to constantly monitor his activities. This is no way to live. The sick, drained feeling you have now, the emotional roller coaster, will NOT go away. Had I known beforehand what my life would be like I never would have married him. From someone who's been there all I can say is RUN and cut off all contact - it will only get worse.
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Old 03-08-2011, 06:53 AM
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You have only known this guy three months. Trust me, it wasn't anything you did that caused any of this.

I know what it's like to try to walk away when you feel like you care about the person, and particularly when you feel in some way responsible for his well-being. Not to mention that he owes you money, so you have a material investment.

My suggestion is, too, that you cut your losses. Consider it a lesson learned (albeit an expensive one), and do NOT see him again. Believe me, he will find some other woman willing to clean up after his mistakes, and use her the same way he has you.

In only three months you cannot possibly know whether anything he has told you is true. Some of the most charming people in the world are sociopaths who know how to get people to love them and think they are "special". Ted Bundy was EXTREMELY charming.

Obviously, I'm not suggesting this guy is a serial killer, but he may well be a serial "user" who latches onto women, makes them feel incredibly special, and takes and takes until they wise up.

Let someone else deal with this train-wreck of a man. It's personally embarrassing to feel used (I know, I've been there), but it's better than allowing yourself to continue to be victimized.
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:08 AM
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Originally Posted by brokenheartfool View Post
Cut your losses.
The writing is on the wall, clear as can be.
You know this already.

Yep. Put on your running shoes and go. It's only gonna get worse. You deserve better than this.

I am so sorry.
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:09 AM
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He sounds like a conman to me who uses and abuses kind women. HE can't have a decent social life if YOU don't give him an endless supply of money? Can you see how wrong that is?

If I were you I would cut my losses and walk away. You deserve so much better. You really do.
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Old 03-08-2011, 08:33 AM
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What are you getting out of this short-lived relationship?

So far, he has coerced you into giving him money he will not pay back. He has been manipulative and abusive when you do not comply. He is drinking when he has a substance abuse problem.

In my books, NOTHING a person does could offset that kind of treatment.

You asked where you stand in this man's life? IMO, you are being used for the money you can provide.

Why continue to see him when your body is clearly screaming at you that you are in a toxic relationship that's already eating you up?
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Old 03-08-2011, 12:19 PM
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Addicts not practicing recovery or even if they obstain from their go-to addiction will trade one for another. He traded drugs for alcohol. He traded drugs for gambling. At least as far as you know. If an addicts lips are moving, they are lying. Addicts not practicing recovery lie, steal, manipulate and will do anything, including threats of abandonment and accusing us of causing their addictions or making them worse, they will bully to get what they need. I am sorry that you are having to go through this. He does not care about anyone but himself and his addictions. He cannot see past them.

Please take care of yourself. You can choose to get off the rollercoaster now, or continue it until you are ready. Either way you will have to feel pain. However, I choose to feel the pain sooner instead of dragging it out and suffering and getting in deeper and deeper. I can't see where this man has done anything to improve your life in these three short months. Yes he made you feel good by giving you compliments and sharing with you, dates, good times, etc. Unfortunately, even though they mean a lot to you, he is not capable of giving back what you are giving him.

You didn't cause it
you can't cure it
and you can't control it.

No one deserves to be treated like that. Love yourself before you love others.

Peace,
Jen
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Old 03-08-2011, 12:34 PM
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A "wonderful man" would have too much self esteem to do this to himself and too much class to do what he's done to you.
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Old 03-08-2011, 02:18 PM
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Thank you everyone for the advice and support. I really was struggling last night and I was desperate for an answer, any answer.

My heart still wants to try but my head knows it's silly. I guess that's why it's so hard, and why so many people seem to have gone through the same experieince.

He has not contacted me so I am going to go ahead and wipe him off my contacts. I am hurt still, and I feel so stupid for letting myself be used. What an awful thing to do to someone.

I am fairly young (25) and he is 24. He has his whole life ahead of him. Such a shame that it revolves around alcohol and gambling. I am sad for him, but I probably shouldn't be. He isn't sad for what he's done to me, and he isn't sad for himself. Oh well.

I met his family several times and over a family dinner his mother pulled me aside and asked me to keep an eye on his wellbeing. I am not sure if I am in a position where I should mention this last week to her? Is it my place?
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Old 03-08-2011, 03:21 PM
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I don't think so. He's an adult. You only dated him for three months. She obviously knows he has issues, and is expecting something like this.

I think you should wipe her from your contacts as well, figuratively speaking.
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Old 03-08-2011, 05:34 PM
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The only person that can "fix" anything is the alcoholic/drug addict/ gambler / him or herself. I'm so sorry you had to be put through this. Please learn from it and cut your losses. Move on to a healthy normal life. Forgive yourself, you were conned and used. Life is about lessons Louella. You were just taught one at your expense.

Best Wishes to You! :ghug3
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