Relationship Behavior Sober Alcoholic

Old 02-28-2011, 05:56 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
RIP Sweet Suki
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He's fine. He is an adult and can take care of himself. You should take care of you. Do something extra special for yourself. You deserve it.
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Old 02-28-2011, 08:15 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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You are broken up. He is none of your business now. Let go. If you can't, then go to Alanon meetings or get counseling to learn how.
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Old 02-28-2011, 11:06 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by HeavenSent View Post
Its been two days and I have not heard from him. A part of me thought I would and another part thinks he will never call. WHY is it taking everything I have not to call him. I want so badly to reachout and make sure he is ok. I am just so sad. Thanks for your replies. I have read them over and over and tell myself this is for the good. It just doesn't feel very good right now.
Do I sense in this guy that silent waiting treatment for you to come running to him with apologies and to nurse him through his pain?
Silence can be manipulation too!
I think he is punishing you, and he's waiting for you to come running with apologies he doesn't deserve.
If you don't fall for that, you are so ahead of the game.
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Old 03-01-2011, 03:54 AM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Of course you are sad! Wanting to call him is a normal response but, rest assured, that is the hook that will suck you back in every single time. The best thing you can do at this point is to distract yourself with other activities, turn your cell phone off, go out with a girlfriend...ANYTHING to get you through this tough part. Have a plan for when he DOES call! What will you do? Practice your plan over and over in your mind.

No Contact is by far the fastest route to serenity. Trust me on that.
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Old 03-01-2011, 04:19 AM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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I agree. He's just waiting for you to contact him. If you give in then this is just another form of him controlling you. Ignore him. If he wants contact with you, make him come crawling back on his knees, lol. You are worth every bit of that. If he doesn't, then he wasn't worth your time to begin with. I ignored my ab and his quacks for weeks and weeks until he realized that it wasn't going to work anymore. I told him that he needed to walk the walk and not just talk the talk. Hang in there girl! You want a guy who thinks you are worth that much and more!
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Old 03-01-2011, 04:36 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
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I know it's painful. But everyone is dead on with their advice.
I too tend to end up with the wrong men.
I have been with my AH for over ten years and only found this website a few days ago. I am finally waking up to it and now trying to find the safest and quietest way to leave.
And then, after giving up everything to be with this man. I will be starting my life over from scrath at the age of forty.
Did Imention I moved to another country with him? And am surrounded with people who support him and hate me?

My point is, take the advice of the very wise people here.
The pain you are experiencing now is nothing compared to what you will experience if you stay.

As for me the first thing I'm going to do when I get back to the states is find a good therapist! The second is have a huge piece of cheescake!

P.S. I just wanted to add one more thing. These few fights you have recently had with him are just little tests to see how easily he can manipulate you.
And yes, the text breakup/and silent treatment are also forms of manipulation.
Every time we cave to one of their games, we give away a piece of ourselves. And they keep it up until there is nothing left. Then they own you!
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Old 03-01-2011, 05:36 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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^^ the relationship.

It's like being on a see-saw. He jumps off.. you crash to the ground.

Now he's waiting for you to be conciliatory. To ask him to jump back on to the see-saw and continue. But he will keep jumping off and every time you placate, plead and pander to his behaviour you lose a little piece of yourself in that relationship. One day you will wake up... tired and different.. wondering how the hell you got there and how you get out/if you can get out.

You don't have to worry about him, he's fine. I can pretty much guarantee that he's not hurting like you think he is hurting. He's just waiting for you to realise that he is right and you are wrong. He's waiting for you to come crawling back, to say anything that will make him nice to you again.. for you to finally get it that HE is in control of this not you.

You said that you have a habit of being in abusive relationships. You realise that.. that's the first step.. now time to find out why and change that. In the meantime.. No Contact.. it's painful at first, but the quickest, easiest way to break the habit of him and find peace.

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Old 03-01-2011, 05:44 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by starlight40 View Post
These few fights you have recently had with him are just little tests to see how easily he can manipulate you.
And yes, the text breakup/and silent treatment are also forms of manipulation.
Every time we cave to one of their games, we give away a piece of ourselves. And they keep it up until there is nothing left. Then they own you!


Right on! SOooooooooooooo right on.
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Old 03-01-2011, 06:58 AM
  # 29 (permalink)  
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My single biggest regret with my AXH is that I didn't pay attention to my concerns. That I overlooked the yelling, blaming, and irrational anger and spent 15 years of my precious life with him.

I knew better and I took a chance on poor, misunderstood him anyway because we were meant to be together. I just knew it.
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Old 03-01-2011, 07:15 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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I went through two years of counseling to find the strength to end my marriage. I really felt like I had forgiven myself and accepted who I was. I THOUGHT I was on the right path and knew exactly what I wanted in a future mate. This guy seemed to fit that bill perfectly. He has been sober for so many years. He was so open with his feelings that I was blown away. Ive never had a man be so touchy feely before. And he talked about his past, accepted responsibility for his character flaws and gave God the credit that he had overcome them through staying in the program and following the steps as a lifestyle. He truly struck me as different, amazing.

Now I sit here hitting my head against the wall wondering why I find myself right back to square one. Why can I not see the signs before my heart falls in love. Makes me not want to trust myself to ever love again and certainly not believe what men tell me. Sigh...guess I need to go back to counseling and start over.

Thank you again for your insight. I am amazed at how well I am doing today and I know it is because of the positive feedback and encouragement your advise and posts have given me. I miss him terribly but I KNOW I deserve to be treated with respect and I deserve better than what I have gotten from him lately. I mean seriously, who breaks up over a text with their "one true love!?" Its almost funny if it weren't so painful.
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Old 03-01-2011, 07:21 AM
  # 31 (permalink)  
Today is a New Day
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Originally Posted by HeavenSent View Post
Its almost funny if it weren't so painful.
Let yourself laugh and cry about it. Whichever order the emotions come. Or maybe both at once. Find a nice place where you feel safe (preferably away from anything breakable, too), and just let everything come out.

I was so used to hiding my emotions, I had a ton of things and thoughts and feelings all hidden away, and finally allowing them to come out was a scary but soothing process for me.

It helps. A lot.
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Old 03-02-2011, 03:40 PM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Today has been hard. Been missing him bad today and telling myself to let go and this is a blessing. Then I had a meeting and ran into him in the same office...several times. We wouldn't make eye contact but we were within inches of each other. It was so awkward. Now I'm hurting so much. I don't understand how we were together forever a week ago, and now we don't speak.
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Old 03-02-2011, 04:20 PM
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I have learned that there is much I do not understand. And I have finally learned to be ok with not having the answers. They will be revealed in their own time.

You are better off to be no contact, even no eye contact. I know it hurts, but once you get through the grief of losing what you believed you had found, you will feel so much better.

Someone who will love you and not hurt you is out there somewhere. Actually, that person can be you. Enjoy the time you get to spend with you, healing and taking care of yourself.
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Old 03-02-2011, 09:20 PM
  # 34 (permalink)  
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StarCat's advice is what I do. I cry until my body shakes. For as long as it takes. Then it seems that the sadness and pain have less power over me. Make time to be sad and feel what it is you are feeling. Write it all down if you need to. Write letters (but do not send!!) to him about all the things you are feeling.

The understanding comes in time. It is hard to understand when the emotions are still so raw. Then our rational brain kicks in and starts to put the pieces back together for you. The more you let those emotions out, the easier it will be to get to that place of understanding and acceptance.

Just remember you are worth so so much more than how he treated you. MUCH more.
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