Why Does He Do That? All Chapters
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by Kassie2 
I find it difficult emotionally to recount these stories of my life. It brings up pain and suffering that I did not deserve. Again, I only share for two reasons - the first is to heal myself and stop with the secrets - the second is to let others know that they are not alone and can change their lives when they are ready.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
I finally opened this book today. I've had it for a month now but haven't even looked at the table of contents. Now I know why. This:
Partner abuse doesn't go away when an addict recovers.
During the first several months of recovery a man's harsh and daily criticism and control sometimes soften and any physical violence he was using may lessen or cease for a period, raising the hope of the abused woman. She interprets this respite as confirmation that the addiction did indeed cause his abusiveness, but his behaviour toward her gradually, or abruptly, reverts to being as destructive to her as it was while he was drinking, or nearly so.
Ironically, the man's backsliding tends to begin precisely as his recovery from addiction starts to take a solid hold.
It is not uncommon for abusers to actually get worse when they are in recovery, partly because they may become irritable from not driking and take it out on family members. Other abusers become more controlling when sober than they were while drunk, standing guard with eyes that are no longer clouded by alcohol.
Perhaps even more important is that an abuser's recovery program tends itself to become a weapon to use against his partner. Once he stops drinking...he may turn around and insist she is alcoholic too, even if she actually drinks moderately. He starts to criticise her for being 'in denial' about her own drinking, a concept he has learned at meetings and about which he now considers himself an expert.
The abuser can also use specific concepts from AA against his partner. AA..."taking someone else's inventory'. The abuser turns this concept against his partner, so that any time she attempts to complain about his abusive behaviour and how it affects her, he says to her:" You should work on your own issues instead of taking my inventory". Similarly, he uses the danger that he might drink as an excuse to control her....The accusation "You're threatening my sobriety" becomes a new tool that the abuser uses to hammer and silence his partner.
...They think of recovery from addiction as a gigantic, self-awarded amnesty program that should cause their partners' resentments and mistrust to simply vanish.
...They choose to misinterpret the AA philosophy to mean that they were not responsible for their actions while drinking...alcohol is a full and adequate explanation for all the cruelty and selfishness to which they have subjected women.
I am stunned. This has been my life now for 4 months. This is why I left. I am so sick and tired of having AA lingo slung at me as if it is an excuse for unacceptable behavior. I am so sick of hearing that I am taking his inventory, when I point the simple mistruths and manipulations he is trying to play.
I am sick to death of hearing how "my demands" are threatening his sobriety. His abuse is a threat to me serenity, so shut the F*** up.
Wow. Thanks for the recommendation, but tonight I am truly blown away to read my life on the pages of this book. Think this needs some more processing.....
Partner abuse doesn't go away when an addict recovers.
During the first several months of recovery a man's harsh and daily criticism and control sometimes soften and any physical violence he was using may lessen or cease for a period, raising the hope of the abused woman. She interprets this respite as confirmation that the addiction did indeed cause his abusiveness, but his behaviour toward her gradually, or abruptly, reverts to being as destructive to her as it was while he was drinking, or nearly so.
Ironically, the man's backsliding tends to begin precisely as his recovery from addiction starts to take a solid hold.
It is not uncommon for abusers to actually get worse when they are in recovery, partly because they may become irritable from not driking and take it out on family members. Other abusers become more controlling when sober than they were while drunk, standing guard with eyes that are no longer clouded by alcohol.
Perhaps even more important is that an abuser's recovery program tends itself to become a weapon to use against his partner. Once he stops drinking...he may turn around and insist she is alcoholic too, even if she actually drinks moderately. He starts to criticise her for being 'in denial' about her own drinking, a concept he has learned at meetings and about which he now considers himself an expert.
The abuser can also use specific concepts from AA against his partner. AA..."taking someone else's inventory'. The abuser turns this concept against his partner, so that any time she attempts to complain about his abusive behaviour and how it affects her, he says to her:" You should work on your own issues instead of taking my inventory". Similarly, he uses the danger that he might drink as an excuse to control her....The accusation "You're threatening my sobriety" becomes a new tool that the abuser uses to hammer and silence his partner.
...They think of recovery from addiction as a gigantic, self-awarded amnesty program that should cause their partners' resentments and mistrust to simply vanish.
...They choose to misinterpret the AA philosophy to mean that they were not responsible for their actions while drinking...alcohol is a full and adequate explanation for all the cruelty and selfishness to which they have subjected women.
I am stunned. This has been my life now for 4 months. This is why I left. I am so sick and tired of having AA lingo slung at me as if it is an excuse for unacceptable behavior. I am so sick of hearing that I am taking his inventory, when I point the simple mistruths and manipulations he is trying to play.
I am sick to death of hearing how "my demands" are threatening his sobriety. His abuse is a threat to me serenity, so shut the F*** up.
Wow. Thanks for the recommendation, but tonight I am truly blown away to read my life on the pages of this book. Think this needs some more processing.....
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 107
I am gonna have to buy this book TODAY ! ! !
I have read thru the comments on this thread and have alot to process.... this part sticks out:
If I could just get him to stop drinking and smoking pot, the abuse would stop.
He's completely different when he's drinking - he turns mean.
He has stopped drinking and now he say that I have a problem with alcohol.
I try really hard not to upset him because when he gets mad, he drinks.
He can be a terror when he doesn't have pot. He's a lot easier to deal with when he's stoned.
Although AH is mainly MEAN when he drinks, I have gone out of my way to get him pot from friends. Because I know he is calmer and easier to deal with when he smokes.
I have read thru the comments on this thread and have alot to process.... this part sticks out:
If I could just get him to stop drinking and smoking pot, the abuse would stop.
He's completely different when he's drinking - he turns mean.
He has stopped drinking and now he say that I have a problem with alcohol.
I try really hard not to upset him because when he gets mad, he drinks.
He can be a terror when he doesn't have pot. He's a lot easier to deal with when he's stoned.
Although AH is mainly MEAN when he drinks, I have gone out of my way to get him pot from friends. Because I know he is calmer and easier to deal with when he smokes.
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Buy the book. These types of men are mean because they are mean. No substance causes that or controls that. Recovery won't cure that unless their attitudes change. And I can honestly say I am not seeing any significant attitude change. I see more quacking and abuse. More attempts to control me. More anger, blame, denial. The more I stand firm on my boundaries and expectations, the more he blames me for his behavior. I am just appalled that I have put up with this for as long as I have. I guess seeing it in black & white like this has been a real eye opener. Jeesh!
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by Tuffgirl
tonight I am truly blown away to read my life on the pages of this book. Think this needs some more processing.....
The biggest thing, for me, has been the realisation that XAH wasn't 'losing control' - that it was all deliberate. The mind games were intentional. He kept my head spinning so much and benefited from it. I just can't grasp how someone could do that to the person they 'love'. But the book it helping me see what 'love' looks like to him and in my FOO.
Keep posting here - you aren't alone in this. I'm still struggling to come to terms with all this. I don't really know what to do with it all, to be honest!
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
I am reading and listening to the hurts that everyone endured.
I am wondering while going through this self discovery if we are focused enough on how we are taking care of ourselves.
I wonder if it is easier at times to lose the focus and get caught up in rewriting the script of what happened in our lives and relationships before we recognize that we have made a wise choice. That we have stepped away from a bad situation and relationship. That we found our way to this point where it is safe to say things aloud and to share with others. That we can calm ourselves with the truth. That we can breathe freely and honestly relax now. That we will be ok.
HUGS! EVERYONE HERE
I am wondering while going through this self discovery if we are focused enough on how we are taking care of ourselves.
I wonder if it is easier at times to lose the focus and get caught up in rewriting the script of what happened in our lives and relationships before we recognize that we have made a wise choice. That we have stepped away from a bad situation and relationship. That we found our way to this point where it is safe to say things aloud and to share with others. That we can calm ourselves with the truth. That we can breathe freely and honestly relax now. That we will be ok.
HUGS! EVERYONE HERE
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Originally Posted by Kassie2
I am reading and listening to the hurts that everyone endured.
I am wondering while going through this self discovery if we are focused enough on how we are taking care of ourselves.
I wonder if it is easier at times to lose the focus and get caught up in rewriting the script of what happened in our lives and relationships before we recognize that we have made a wise choice. That we have stepped away from a bad situation and relationship. That we found our way to this point where it is safe to say things aloud and to share with others. That we can calm ourselves with the truth. That we can breathe freely and honestly relax now. That we will be ok.
HUGS! EVERYONE HERE
I am wondering while going through this self discovery if we are focused enough on how we are taking care of ourselves.
I wonder if it is easier at times to lose the focus and get caught up in rewriting the script of what happened in our lives and relationships before we recognize that we have made a wise choice. That we have stepped away from a bad situation and relationship. That we found our way to this point where it is safe to say things aloud and to share with others. That we can calm ourselves with the truth. That we can breathe freely and honestly relax now. That we will be ok.
HUGS! EVERYONE HERE
This is a very good point, Kassie.
I think there is much to be gained by retreading the past, in some respects. This book helped me realize that I could not work things out with XABF, that he was more abusive than I would admit to even myself. It also helped validate my feelings, and I have referred to it frequently to remind myself of the place I was so that I do not go back. I do not need the reminders so much now, but I really did in the beginning.
I think posting this out in the open also helps others realize that they are not alone, and that it is possible to escape the situation. The first step is admitting exactly what situation you are in.
That said, the positive side of this will diminish if all time is spent looking back, and digging up the past, rather than moving forward, and focusing on the good that lies beyond the past, and within ourselves. This is important to remember, and thank you for posting it here.
Sorry I disappeared for a bit. This thread has been moving too fast for me! Then again, I have been busy. I am going to try and post what I can tonight, going backwards and working my way forwards, because I have some catching up to do!
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Chapter 7
I have enough time to finish my posts on this chapter tonight.
Not sure how much time I'll have for the others, but I'll do what I can. (Typing like crazy until 9pm. *Grins*)
The Role of Pornography
In pornography that is geared towards heterosexual men, women are portrayed as very simple. They are always in the mood for sex, and they never say no.
XABF seemed extremely surprised to discover that I wasn't like this. The one time I actually dared to tell him I was exhausted, he sulked for the next month. I was exhausted, I had been up since 4am that morning, and it was past 11pm, and we had been going nonstop, and any attempt to take a nap in the car elicited a sarcastic comment. I couldn't keep my eyes open.
But that didn't matter to him. He wanted something, and I wouldn't give it to him, so I didn't care about him enough.
A large percentage of abused women report that they have been pressured one or more times to behave like the women in pornography, often to the point of acting out a specific scenario that the man finds enticing but that she experiences as repulsive, frightening, or violent.
Add me to that list.
I won't even mention how many "costumes" I threw out while he was in rehab. He loved that, too.
They didn't even fit me right, but that's what he wanted, and he'd pressure and complain and yell until he got it.
I have received numerous reports over the years from women who have told me that they were being pressured or required by their abusive partners to watch pornography. This seems largely to be a strategy to break down the woman's resistance to performing sexual acts the man wants, although the actual effect is often to increase her repulsion rather than create desire. Pornography tends to be filled with abuse of women, so his drive to make her watch it can also come from wanting to prove to her that his degrading treatment is normal.
Absolutely yes!
He even made me pick out the movies, and explain to him in explicit detail why I wanted to buy these movies, so I had to make stuff up. ("Because I want to hurry up and get out of this store" was the wrong answer.)
I hated those things, and he would get mad that I wasn't aroused, and actually would remain disgusted. No attempt at explaining anything to him ever got his attention, support, understanding, or anything. No, it was always that I was doing it on purpose to hurt him, because I didn't want him to have what he wanted.
Nothing about me. Never about me.
I had a "pornographic DVD cutting ceremony" while he was in rehab.
I ruined a great pair of scissors, but it was absolutely worth it.
Sex and Double Standards
I was never allowed to have male friends my age. Even if I had no interest in them whatsoever, even if they were already married, I wasn't allowed to talk to them or anything.
Meanwhile, he'd tease me about the new hires in his building ("You're lucky you caught me first, StarCat, because she's a cutie"), the college girls in the classes where he was guest lecturer ("She keeps sending me emails. She'll probably send me naked pictures next."), and the waitresses when we went out to dinner ("Did you see how she was looking at me? I'll bet she'll put her number on the check.")
The one time a salesman was actually helpful and friendly when we shopping together, we had to leave immediately, because XABF "didn't like how that guy was looking at me."
My clients sometimes pressure their partners with the myth that men can suffer physical pain or damage if they become sexually aroused and are not satisfied.
I wrote in the margin, "You mean that's not true???"
The lies these people tell to get what they want.
A fair number of my clients have imposed an additional double standard, according to which the woman is expected to consent to sex any time the man is in the mood, but she is never supposed to initiate sex herself.
While the first part was a problem for me, I'll confess it didn't take long before I was never in the mood, so I didn't have much of a problem with the second half.
This was him, though, too!
Sex and Vulnerability
The abusive man tends to make mental note of the highly personal knowledge he gains... If she shared any discomfort regarding sex, he now will call her uptight and repressed, especially when she doesn't happen to like what he likes. (To the abuser, sexual liberation means the freedom to do whatever he wants.)
He said I was frigid, a nun, too "perfect" and how it was "okay to be dirty for two seconds" of my life.
He's also accused me of being sexually abused as a child, because otherwise I would want to do all these things he decided I should want to do. No amount of arguing on my side would get him to accept that I was not sexually abused - he insisted that I must have been, and that I was just blocking it out. (This would also fall under "gaslighting" - especially since I did wonder, even for a short time, if he was right.)
Sexual Assault and Violence
I won't put much here but this:
Sexual assault is violence. An abuser who forces his partner to have ANY form of sexual relations against her will is physically battering her.
I need to remind myself of this one, because it is true, and I keep downplaying this, and forgetting this fact. It is true, and it is important.
Last thing for this chapter.
An abusive man will try to tell you that your discomfort is your own problem rather than a product of his coercive, disrespectful, humiliating sexual behavior.
But guess what? It's due to his behavior, nothing wrong with the victim, except for being stuck in an abusive relationship.
It's not my fault.
There's nothing wrong with me.
I've just been places that people were never meant to travel.
I have enough time to finish my posts on this chapter tonight.
Not sure how much time I'll have for the others, but I'll do what I can. (Typing like crazy until 9pm. *Grins*)
The Role of Pornography
In pornography that is geared towards heterosexual men, women are portrayed as very simple. They are always in the mood for sex, and they never say no.
XABF seemed extremely surprised to discover that I wasn't like this. The one time I actually dared to tell him I was exhausted, he sulked for the next month. I was exhausted, I had been up since 4am that morning, and it was past 11pm, and we had been going nonstop, and any attempt to take a nap in the car elicited a sarcastic comment. I couldn't keep my eyes open.
But that didn't matter to him. He wanted something, and I wouldn't give it to him, so I didn't care about him enough.
A large percentage of abused women report that they have been pressured one or more times to behave like the women in pornography, often to the point of acting out a specific scenario that the man finds enticing but that she experiences as repulsive, frightening, or violent.
Add me to that list.
I won't even mention how many "costumes" I threw out while he was in rehab. He loved that, too.
They didn't even fit me right, but that's what he wanted, and he'd pressure and complain and yell until he got it.
I have received numerous reports over the years from women who have told me that they were being pressured or required by their abusive partners to watch pornography. This seems largely to be a strategy to break down the woman's resistance to performing sexual acts the man wants, although the actual effect is often to increase her repulsion rather than create desire. Pornography tends to be filled with abuse of women, so his drive to make her watch it can also come from wanting to prove to her that his degrading treatment is normal.
Absolutely yes!
He even made me pick out the movies, and explain to him in explicit detail why I wanted to buy these movies, so I had to make stuff up. ("Because I want to hurry up and get out of this store" was the wrong answer.)
I hated those things, and he would get mad that I wasn't aroused, and actually would remain disgusted. No attempt at explaining anything to him ever got his attention, support, understanding, or anything. No, it was always that I was doing it on purpose to hurt him, because I didn't want him to have what he wanted.
Nothing about me. Never about me.
I had a "pornographic DVD cutting ceremony" while he was in rehab.
I ruined a great pair of scissors, but it was absolutely worth it.
Sex and Double Standards
I was never allowed to have male friends my age. Even if I had no interest in them whatsoever, even if they were already married, I wasn't allowed to talk to them or anything.
Meanwhile, he'd tease me about the new hires in his building ("You're lucky you caught me first, StarCat, because she's a cutie"), the college girls in the classes where he was guest lecturer ("She keeps sending me emails. She'll probably send me naked pictures next."), and the waitresses when we went out to dinner ("Did you see how she was looking at me? I'll bet she'll put her number on the check.")
The one time a salesman was actually helpful and friendly when we shopping together, we had to leave immediately, because XABF "didn't like how that guy was looking at me."
My clients sometimes pressure their partners with the myth that men can suffer physical pain or damage if they become sexually aroused and are not satisfied.
I wrote in the margin, "You mean that's not true???"
The lies these people tell to get what they want.
A fair number of my clients have imposed an additional double standard, according to which the woman is expected to consent to sex any time the man is in the mood, but she is never supposed to initiate sex herself.
While the first part was a problem for me, I'll confess it didn't take long before I was never in the mood, so I didn't have much of a problem with the second half.
This was him, though, too!
Sex and Vulnerability
The abusive man tends to make mental note of the highly personal knowledge he gains... If she shared any discomfort regarding sex, he now will call her uptight and repressed, especially when she doesn't happen to like what he likes. (To the abuser, sexual liberation means the freedom to do whatever he wants.)
He said I was frigid, a nun, too "perfect" and how it was "okay to be dirty for two seconds" of my life.
He's also accused me of being sexually abused as a child, because otherwise I would want to do all these things he decided I should want to do. No amount of arguing on my side would get him to accept that I was not sexually abused - he insisted that I must have been, and that I was just blocking it out. (This would also fall under "gaslighting" - especially since I did wonder, even for a short time, if he was right.)
Sexual Assault and Violence
I won't put much here but this:
Sexual assault is violence. An abuser who forces his partner to have ANY form of sexual relations against her will is physically battering her.
I need to remind myself of this one, because it is true, and I keep downplaying this, and forgetting this fact. It is true, and it is important.
Last thing for this chapter.
An abusive man will try to tell you that your discomfort is your own problem rather than a product of his coercive, disrespectful, humiliating sexual behavior.
But guess what? It's due to his behavior, nothing wrong with the victim, except for being stuck in an abusive relationship.
It's not my fault.
There's nothing wrong with me.
I've just been places that people were never meant to travel.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Chapter Eight - Abusive Men and Addiction
A drunk or drugged abuser tends to make his partner's life even more miserable than a sober one does.
I would agree with this statement. XABF was more abusive when he was drunk.
He was still abusive when sober, but compared to the drunk version, I did not label the sober version as abuse. Still, it was abusive, and controlling, and manipulative - just sneakier.
So he was more difficult to deal with when he was drunk... But in some ways if he had only used his sober forms of abuse, I'd probably still be stuck. I think those were more damaging, because they were less apparent, and left me more questioning of myself.
Just a thought.
Also, from what I've seen here, when some abusive men quit drinking, they become more abusive, because of the stress they feel when fighting their own addiction, and the blame they place on their abused victim for "forcing them" to stop drinking so that they can remain in control of the victim.
Again, just an observation.
Just a few quotes and notes to add to what Bookwyrm posted earlier.
How Partner Abuse and Addiction Are Similar
The addict also follows the partner abuser's pattern in externalizing responsibility. In the world of substance abuse treatment, the expression people, places, and things is used to describe the addict's way of always finding someone or something to blame for drinking and drugging.
This is why it took me FOREVER to identify that it was also abuse. It seemed to follow the pattern the other stories of addicts from Al-Anon... Except mine was more controlling towards me, and used to try and keep me in line, rather than to simply protect the addiction, and retain the enabler.
Both partner abusers and substance abusers tend to keep their partner and children walking on eggshells, never knowing what is going to happen next. This dynamic helps to hook family members into hoping that he will change.
Every time he was on good behavior, he would apologize profusely, write me poetry, and tell me that I shouldn't listen to how he behaves when he's drunk, only when he's not drunk. He would say that he didn't mean any of the things he said when he was drunk - but then he'd say the SAME THINGS when he got drunk the next time. And there was always a next time.
After awhile, his promises that his drunken abuse meant nothing... I just couldn't believe it anymore. Especially since I heard the drunk version more.
But each time he apologized, and he put in some effort to "do better," and I believed it would BE better... Until the next time.
How Partner Abuse and Addiction Are Different
Partner abuse, on the other hand, is not especially self destructive, although it is profoundly destructive to others. A man can abuse women for twenty or thirty years and still have a stable job or professional career, keep his finances in good order, and remain popular with his friends and relatives. His self-esteem, his ability to sleep at night, his self-confidence, his physical health, all tend to hold just as steady as they would for a non-abusive man. One of the great sources of pain in the life of an abused woman is her sense of isolation and frustration because no one else seems to notice that anything is awry in her partner. Her life and her freedom may slide down the tubes because of what he is doing to her mind, but his life usually doesn't.
Oh goodness yes. Any difficulties with sleeping, physical health, etc, were always caused by the drinking - again, why I felt he only had a drinking problem, and it took a long time for me to realize he was truly abusive.
He was driving me crazy, my manager was noticing that I wasn't doing my own work, I spent more time logged in as him (which is not allowed at my company) doing his stuff than I did starring as myself, I felt like I wasn't allowed any time to do anything with anybody... And meanwhile any attempt I had to bring up how I felt was squashed by him insisting that I was just saying that to "make him stop drinking," and that everything was great.
He even told me all the time about how much I loved him. And I wasn't allowed to argue with that, because he decided it, so it was set in stone.
Meanwhile, I felt like everyone loved him, and everyone would stick up for him, and I couldn't argue with him or I would certainly lose my job.
I'm learning that's not the case - but that's because some people realize he has an alcohol problem. I have only told two people at work who know XABF - one was also in an abusive relationship and recognized the signs in XABF, the other had no experience with it and is completely stunned. I'm fortunate he believes me - but he knows me well enough that I would not lie about something this serious. I am not telling anyone else who knows him, because I do not believe any of them would understand, or believe me.
I have my support network now anyway - no need to tempt fate at this point.
Partner Abuse Doesn't Go Away When an Addict Recovers
...according to AA the alcoholic has a responsibility to make amends for all the damage he has done to other people while he was drinking. Abusers choose instead to take an almost opposite view, arguing that their partners should not raise grievances about past abuse, "because that was when I was drinking and I'm not like that anymore, so she should let go of the past.
XABF wasn't in ANY recovery whatsoever, would drink again at the drop of a hat, and still used this line on me ALL THE TIME.
I don't want any amends from him, and I honestly hope that he never sends me one, because it will be more manipulation on his part to try and pull me back in because "he's not drinking anymore, so I should just let go of the past."
The book uses the phrase "self-awarded amnesty program" and I believe that sums it up perfectly.
I hope he gets sober, I really do, because I feel that he can at least enjoy the rest of his life. That said, I also sincerely hope that he leaves me out of it.
...recovery can feed an abusive man's self-centeredness and excuse making.
Mine didn't even get into recovery, and used this trick, so I absolutely believe this.
What About the Man Who is Abusive Only When He Drinks
I could count on one hand the number of clients I have had whose abusiveness is entirely restricted to times of intoxication. However, I have worked with dozens of men whose worst incidents are accompanied by alcohol use but whose controlling and disrespectful behaviors are a pattern even when they are sober.
If your partner's behavior becomes much worse when he's intoxicated, you may tend to focus your attention on trying to manage his drinking, so that you never fully realize how abusive he is when he's sober.
XABF would fit here.
I used to think he was only abusive when drunk but, as I stated above, he was so much worse when drunk that I did not notice the abuse when he was sober - I was just grateful I wasn't scared to death.
I really did pour all my energy into trying to keep him sober. It never helped, either.
People's conduct while intoxicated continues to be governed by their core foundation of beliefs and attitudes, even though there is some loosening of the structure. Alcohol encourages people to let loose what they have simmering below the surface.
This is what convinced me that he'll never change. That, and the fact that his family is too enabling of the alcohol, and won't make him address THAT. What hope does he have of addressing the abuse?
They avoid damaging their own prized belongings and usually don't let their friends and relatives see their most overt and cruel forms of verbal or physical abuse or anything that they feel wouldn't be adequately covered by the "I was drunk" excuse.
A man's claim that he is not fully responsible for his mistreatment of his partner because he was drunk is simply another manifestation of the abusive mentality.
He really was in control, even when he claimed he was not.
He knew what he was doing. He did things drunk that he wouldn't normally do sober, but he never did things drunk that he wouldn't do ever.
I know that now. But boy did it take awhile to learn that one.
Substances as Weapons of Abuse
The argument at dinner that night focused on his economic abuse of her. Specifically, he had withdrawn $4,000 - virtually the entirety of their savings - from their joint bank account and had bought an old BMW "for her." ... "You never appreciate anything I do for you! Nothing I do is ever good enough!"
XABF was always doing things for me that we couldn't afford, and that I didn't want, but if I ever said anything about this, he'd blow up and claim that I was using him, or that I didn't care about what he did for me.
If he didn't hate BMW's so much, and if he ever managed to save anything, he probably would have repeated that same exact story.
That's about all I have regarding Chapter 8, and it's way past my bedtime tonight.
I'll post my thoughts on Chapter 9 when I can. (I'm catching up!)
I am so grateful that I learned what was going on behind his behavior, so that I could label it as the abuse it was instead of running around in circles trying to figure out what I did wrong. I did recognize that the alcoholism wasn't my fault, eventually, but there was just so many other things that I couldn't explain or understand.
Looking back on it now, my life is so much happier and simpler than it was, stuck in the middle of the madness.
A drunk or drugged abuser tends to make his partner's life even more miserable than a sober one does.
I would agree with this statement. XABF was more abusive when he was drunk.
He was still abusive when sober, but compared to the drunk version, I did not label the sober version as abuse. Still, it was abusive, and controlling, and manipulative - just sneakier.
So he was more difficult to deal with when he was drunk... But in some ways if he had only used his sober forms of abuse, I'd probably still be stuck. I think those were more damaging, because they were less apparent, and left me more questioning of myself.
Just a thought.
Also, from what I've seen here, when some abusive men quit drinking, they become more abusive, because of the stress they feel when fighting their own addiction, and the blame they place on their abused victim for "forcing them" to stop drinking so that they can remain in control of the victim.
Again, just an observation.
Just a few quotes and notes to add to what Bookwyrm posted earlier.
How Partner Abuse and Addiction Are Similar
The addict also follows the partner abuser's pattern in externalizing responsibility. In the world of substance abuse treatment, the expression people, places, and things is used to describe the addict's way of always finding someone or something to blame for drinking and drugging.
This is why it took me FOREVER to identify that it was also abuse. It seemed to follow the pattern the other stories of addicts from Al-Anon... Except mine was more controlling towards me, and used to try and keep me in line, rather than to simply protect the addiction, and retain the enabler.
Both partner abusers and substance abusers tend to keep their partner and children walking on eggshells, never knowing what is going to happen next. This dynamic helps to hook family members into hoping that he will change.
Every time he was on good behavior, he would apologize profusely, write me poetry, and tell me that I shouldn't listen to how he behaves when he's drunk, only when he's not drunk. He would say that he didn't mean any of the things he said when he was drunk - but then he'd say the SAME THINGS when he got drunk the next time. And there was always a next time.
After awhile, his promises that his drunken abuse meant nothing... I just couldn't believe it anymore. Especially since I heard the drunk version more.
But each time he apologized, and he put in some effort to "do better," and I believed it would BE better... Until the next time.
How Partner Abuse and Addiction Are Different
Partner abuse, on the other hand, is not especially self destructive, although it is profoundly destructive to others. A man can abuse women for twenty or thirty years and still have a stable job or professional career, keep his finances in good order, and remain popular with his friends and relatives. His self-esteem, his ability to sleep at night, his self-confidence, his physical health, all tend to hold just as steady as they would for a non-abusive man. One of the great sources of pain in the life of an abused woman is her sense of isolation and frustration because no one else seems to notice that anything is awry in her partner. Her life and her freedom may slide down the tubes because of what he is doing to her mind, but his life usually doesn't.
Oh goodness yes. Any difficulties with sleeping, physical health, etc, were always caused by the drinking - again, why I felt he only had a drinking problem, and it took a long time for me to realize he was truly abusive.
He was driving me crazy, my manager was noticing that I wasn't doing my own work, I spent more time logged in as him (which is not allowed at my company) doing his stuff than I did starring as myself, I felt like I wasn't allowed any time to do anything with anybody... And meanwhile any attempt I had to bring up how I felt was squashed by him insisting that I was just saying that to "make him stop drinking," and that everything was great.
He even told me all the time about how much I loved him. And I wasn't allowed to argue with that, because he decided it, so it was set in stone.
Meanwhile, I felt like everyone loved him, and everyone would stick up for him, and I couldn't argue with him or I would certainly lose my job.
I'm learning that's not the case - but that's because some people realize he has an alcohol problem. I have only told two people at work who know XABF - one was also in an abusive relationship and recognized the signs in XABF, the other had no experience with it and is completely stunned. I'm fortunate he believes me - but he knows me well enough that I would not lie about something this serious. I am not telling anyone else who knows him, because I do not believe any of them would understand, or believe me.
I have my support network now anyway - no need to tempt fate at this point.
Partner Abuse Doesn't Go Away When an Addict Recovers
...according to AA the alcoholic has a responsibility to make amends for all the damage he has done to other people while he was drinking. Abusers choose instead to take an almost opposite view, arguing that their partners should not raise grievances about past abuse, "because that was when I was drinking and I'm not like that anymore, so she should let go of the past.
XABF wasn't in ANY recovery whatsoever, would drink again at the drop of a hat, and still used this line on me ALL THE TIME.
I don't want any amends from him, and I honestly hope that he never sends me one, because it will be more manipulation on his part to try and pull me back in because "he's not drinking anymore, so I should just let go of the past."
The book uses the phrase "self-awarded amnesty program" and I believe that sums it up perfectly.
I hope he gets sober, I really do, because I feel that he can at least enjoy the rest of his life. That said, I also sincerely hope that he leaves me out of it.
...recovery can feed an abusive man's self-centeredness and excuse making.
Mine didn't even get into recovery, and used this trick, so I absolutely believe this.
What About the Man Who is Abusive Only When He Drinks
I could count on one hand the number of clients I have had whose abusiveness is entirely restricted to times of intoxication. However, I have worked with dozens of men whose worst incidents are accompanied by alcohol use but whose controlling and disrespectful behaviors are a pattern even when they are sober.
If your partner's behavior becomes much worse when he's intoxicated, you may tend to focus your attention on trying to manage his drinking, so that you never fully realize how abusive he is when he's sober.
XABF would fit here.
I used to think he was only abusive when drunk but, as I stated above, he was so much worse when drunk that I did not notice the abuse when he was sober - I was just grateful I wasn't scared to death.
I really did pour all my energy into trying to keep him sober. It never helped, either.
People's conduct while intoxicated continues to be governed by their core foundation of beliefs and attitudes, even though there is some loosening of the structure. Alcohol encourages people to let loose what they have simmering below the surface.
This is what convinced me that he'll never change. That, and the fact that his family is too enabling of the alcohol, and won't make him address THAT. What hope does he have of addressing the abuse?
They avoid damaging their own prized belongings and usually don't let their friends and relatives see their most overt and cruel forms of verbal or physical abuse or anything that they feel wouldn't be adequately covered by the "I was drunk" excuse.
A man's claim that he is not fully responsible for his mistreatment of his partner because he was drunk is simply another manifestation of the abusive mentality.
He really was in control, even when he claimed he was not.
He knew what he was doing. He did things drunk that he wouldn't normally do sober, but he never did things drunk that he wouldn't do ever.
I know that now. But boy did it take awhile to learn that one.
Substances as Weapons of Abuse
The argument at dinner that night focused on his economic abuse of her. Specifically, he had withdrawn $4,000 - virtually the entirety of their savings - from their joint bank account and had bought an old BMW "for her." ... "You never appreciate anything I do for you! Nothing I do is ever good enough!"
XABF was always doing things for me that we couldn't afford, and that I didn't want, but if I ever said anything about this, he'd blow up and claim that I was using him, or that I didn't care about what he did for me.
If he didn't hate BMW's so much, and if he ever managed to save anything, he probably would have repeated that same exact story.
That's about all I have regarding Chapter 8, and it's way past my bedtime tonight.
I'll post my thoughts on Chapter 9 when I can. (I'm catching up!)
I am so grateful that I learned what was going on behind his behavior, so that I could label it as the abuse it was instead of running around in circles trying to figure out what I did wrong. I did recognize that the alcoholism wasn't my fault, eventually, but there was just so many other things that I couldn't explain or understand.
Looking back on it now, my life is so much happier and simpler than it was, stuck in the middle of the madness.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Land of Cotton
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You are all so very brave for opening up and sharing these horrifying stories. I know it takes a toll but it is cathartic to get it up and out.
When I was in training to work the hotline at my city's DV center, I ran across this list in some of my research. There's nothing obviously special about it, but I made myself read every single 'story' on this list and by the time I was finished I was fundamentally changed. I will NEVER again stand idle or silent when I see or hear of a woman being threatened by domestic violence.
Please.... for them.... read it:
List of Texas Women Killed in 2008 by Their Intimate Partner
.
When I was in training to work the hotline at my city's DV center, I ran across this list in some of my research. There's nothing obviously special about it, but I made myself read every single 'story' on this list and by the time I was finished I was fundamentally changed. I will NEVER again stand idle or silent when I see or hear of a woman being threatened by domestic violence.
Please.... for them.... read it:
List of Texas Women Killed in 2008 by Their Intimate Partner
.
Curled up in a good book...
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
This:
And this:
Learning about abusive men is helping me come out from the cloud of blame and shame I am in. I know I because the reason for everything that was perceived to be going wrong in XAH's life and in our marriage. I believed so much of it. Like mud, it stuck. I'm finding out I'm not the person he told me I was.
Thanks for the reminder to take care of ourselves. I do think that this retrospection is helping. I'm also starting to unpick the behaviour of my abusive childhood so that maybe I can finally walk free of the cloud of shame that is ingrained in me. Wonder what that would feel like?
But I do need to take a break every so often -which I guess is why it is taking me ages to put up each chapter!
Originally Posted by StarCat
It's not my fault.
There's nothing wrong with me.
I've just been places that people were never meant to travel.
There's nothing wrong with me.
I've just been places that people were never meant to travel.
Originally Posted by StarCat
I am so grateful that I learned what was going on behind his behavior, so that I could label it as the abuse it was instead of running around in circles trying to figure out what I did wrong. I did recognize that the alcoholism wasn't my fault, eventually, but there was just so many other things that I couldn't explain or understand.
Looking back on it now, my life is so much happier and simpler than it was, stuck in the middle of the madness.
Looking back on it now, my life is so much happier and simpler than it was, stuck in the middle of the madness.
Originally Posted by Kassie2
I am wondering while going through this self discovery if we are focused enough on how we are taking care of ourselves.
I wonder if it is easier at times to lose the focus and get caught up in rewriting the script of what happened in our lives and relationships before we recognize that we have made a wise choice. That we have stepped away from a bad situation and relationship. That we found our way to this point where it is safe to say things aloud and to share with others. That we can calm ourselves with the truth. That we can breathe freely and honestly relax now. That we will be ok.
HUGS! EVERYONE HERE
I wonder if it is easier at times to lose the focus and get caught up in rewriting the script of what happened in our lives and relationships before we recognize that we have made a wise choice. That we have stepped away from a bad situation and relationship. That we found our way to this point where it is safe to say things aloud and to share with others. That we can calm ourselves with the truth. That we can breathe freely and honestly relax now. That we will be ok.
HUGS! EVERYONE HERE
But I do need to take a break every so often -which I guess is why it is taking me ages to put up each chapter!
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Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: PA
Posts: 985
I agree that retrospection is needed to understand the patterns and make changes where we want.
I was trying to address the shame part and offer some balance. The shame is on the other person's behavior - not ours to hold.
I too recognized that I compromised way too much with my values to keep peace. I second guessed myself often. But what pi**ed me off the most and was often the source of arguments was "telling me how I feel or don't feel" or "telling me what I wanted/needed vs listening to I was saying I wanted or needed" or "telling what I thought/knew or what I didn't think/knew". I thought that it was my job to name my feelings, needs/wants, and thoughts.
This was true of my FOO as well.
We put up with the abnormal because we didn't know different at the time. Once we saw it we began to change our reactions.
I was trying to address the shame part and offer some balance. The shame is on the other person's behavior - not ours to hold.
I too recognized that I compromised way too much with my values to keep peace. I second guessed myself often. But what pi**ed me off the most and was often the source of arguments was "telling me how I feel or don't feel" or "telling me what I wanted/needed vs listening to I was saying I wanted or needed" or "telling what I thought/knew or what I didn't think/knew". I thought that it was my job to name my feelings, needs/wants, and thoughts.
This was true of my FOO as well.
We put up with the abnormal because we didn't know different at the time. Once we saw it we began to change our reactions.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 107
As I said I went yesterday to buy the book...AH seen the book and thinks I am bing rediculous, so last night he ran down to Borders and bought a book called "How to stop hurting the woman you love". He read the preface and had tears in his eyes and a frog in his throat..... But didnt stop him from using profanity towards my 10 yr old last night who was simply hungry and cranky!
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 756
See, when I say something about "those times" AH just puts all the blame on me, he is the master at blame shifting. He would never actually buy a book about it either, because again, he'd have to accept responsibility for his actions.
I would never let him see the book either though. It's hidden quite well.
I would never let him see the book either though. It's hidden quite well.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 107
AH normally does shift the blame to me as well, after all he knows that I cheat on him all the time @@ .... This is a new tactic for him. I do not expect him to actually read the whole book or to absorb the words at all. He has already been thru anger management, counseling, AA, inpatient, outpatient, ect ect ect ect ..... If those programs did not help him, I have no high expectation that a book would help.
I would normally hide the book from him, but at this point I could careless what he thinks about me anymore. I am at that point, where I am not walking on eggshells. If he is gonna blow, he is gonna blow and that's it.
I would normally hide the book from him, but at this point I could careless what he thinks about me anymore. I am at that point, where I am not walking on eggshells. If he is gonna blow, he is gonna blow and that's it.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
I think there's a reason that "Abuse" does not appear in the title of the book, even though it is used all throughout every single page.
It is cathartic to share.
And yes, it has been helping me to unravel some things from my childhood, as well.
I am too wrapped up in XABF, since his was more obvious and more recent, but my mother is the one who "pre-conditioned" me to this behavior.
At some point, I will be unraveling that, too...
But I don't think I'm there yet. I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet.
It is cathartic to share.
And yes, it has been helping me to unravel some things from my childhood, as well.
I am too wrapped up in XABF, since his was more obvious and more recent, but my mother is the one who "pre-conditioned" me to this behavior.
At some point, I will be unraveling that, too...
But I don't think I'm there yet. I'm getting there, but I'm not there yet.
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Here's what I struggle with - having read the book a few days ago and feeling still very confused by it.
How was he one person and then another in such a short period of time?
It happened in such a short window...maybe a few months...and didn't really coincide with increased alcohol intake. It almost seemed like the man I fell in love with, who won me and my kids over, had vanished and in its place was an extremely angry, hostile, out-of-control, self-centered jerkface who decided I was the root of all of his life's miseries.
And secondly, I find this all to be so pathetic, especially now that he's fully ensconced in AA and using that to continue to blame me. How do they not see it there and call him on his BS? After 4+ months in the program? I tell you - in Al Anon I was challenged in my thinking within the first few weeks. Kindly, but clearly challenged. Is there not an inner voice saying, "you, RAH, are a total ******* and she is running away as fast as she can because of it". Maybe not - maybe that's the entitlement attitude this book talks about.
Anyway - just processing still and trying to not go back to the time when he was really a super guy and I thought I was a lucky woman. Trying to remember that today, this guy hates me. Because I won't tolerate this behavior anymore and expect him to own his behavior and be a big boy.
How was he one person and then another in such a short period of time?
It happened in such a short window...maybe a few months...and didn't really coincide with increased alcohol intake. It almost seemed like the man I fell in love with, who won me and my kids over, had vanished and in its place was an extremely angry, hostile, out-of-control, self-centered jerkface who decided I was the root of all of his life's miseries.
And secondly, I find this all to be so pathetic, especially now that he's fully ensconced in AA and using that to continue to blame me. How do they not see it there and call him on his BS? After 4+ months in the program? I tell you - in Al Anon I was challenged in my thinking within the first few weeks. Kindly, but clearly challenged. Is there not an inner voice saying, "you, RAH, are a total ******* and she is running away as fast as she can because of it". Maybe not - maybe that's the entitlement attitude this book talks about.
Anyway - just processing still and trying to not go back to the time when he was really a super guy and I thought I was a lucky woman. Trying to remember that today, this guy hates me. Because I won't tolerate this behavior anymore and expect him to own his behavior and be a big boy.
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tuff - In my experience, I actually got to hear what my AH was being told in AA and they were telling him like it is - and I noticed that he only heard what he wanted to hear. Then when he disagreed with them, he quit and started drinking - blaming them now. So, you may not be seeing the whole picture.
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Chapter 9
Time to write this one, and be all caught up.
This will be interesting, because at the time I read this chapter initially, I hadn't broken up with him yet, so let's see how well I really did know him, once I allowed myself to admit the truth rather than minimizing it, by seeing what I marked up, and with my notes.
I highlighted some stuff from the examples towards the beginning of the book. The example deals with someone titled as "Van," and his girlfriend, "Gail." Van seemed to be doing well dealing with his abusiveness - until he realized that Gail was positioning herself to leave him, at which point he went backwards.
Van's group was alarmed by his reversion, and members raced to try to get him back on track, pointing out to him that (1) he was claiming to have made great changes, but his entitled insistence that Gail owed him loyalty was evidence of an abuser who wan't changing; (2) he was slipping back into minimizing how destructive his abusiveness and violence had been to Gail, to an extreme where he was convincing himself that he was a more constructive presence in her life than other people where; and (3) he was failing to accept the reality that a women does not have to be "all good" in order to have the right to live free of abuse. I kept an additional thought to myself, which was that based on my conversation with her I was confident that Gail's life was not "going nowhere" and that her primary goal at that point was to heal from what he had done to her. When he made disparaging references to "her issues," he was ignoring the reality that her issues were 90 percent him. I remained silent on this point because I was concerned, given the state of mind he was in, that the better he understood her healing process, the more effectively he would take steps to sabotage it.
I think there are several reasons why this part of the chapter stood out to me. For starters, I was trying to predict his behavior, and judging by his past behavior regarding alcoholism, I could very well see him minimizing, blaming everything on me, insisting I owed him loyalty...
On top of that, he understood the problems behind alcoholism extremely well, and used that to his advantage with the counselors in rehab, but also as more fuel to manipulate me.
While I had this strong desire that he truly understand how much he hurt me, and what his abuse had put me through, I also realized that I did not want him to have this knowledge, because it certainly would not be put to use to assist me. Knowledge his power, and he used all the power he could muster to his advantage, NEVER mine.
I had to balance my desires (that he understand me) with my real needs (protecting myself from falling for his trap again). So far I am doing okay with that, but I do need to keep reminding myself, and keep growing stronger, so that I prevent myself from falling backwards.
Few abusers readily allow themselves to be left. When they feel a partner starting to get stronger, beginning to think for herself more, slipping out from under domination, abusers move to their endgame.
So far his "endgame" involves appearing unwanted at my apartment or my desk at work, one of each thus far. He did try email before that, but I didn't take the bait. I do not know what he will do next, I am not responsible for trying to figure that out, I just need to rehearse my reaction as best I can, remind myself of what I must do to protect myself - calling the police, calling security and HR if it is at work, protecting myself. I can feel sorry for him, and I do feel sorry for him - but not at the expense of my new life, and my serenity. Just because he is not caring for himself doesn't mean he can't - he just wants me to do it, and I'm not doing that job anymore.
And now reading the list of Abusers' Responses to a Possible Breakup I highlighted a few. I do recognize his destructive behavior better than I thought I would, because he hasn't done any of the ones that I haven't highlighted, and he's done most of the ones I did highlight. (He hasn't joined AA yet, and hasn't turned very nice yet.)
Just a few of the bigger ones:
Behaving in self-destructive ways so that you will worry or feel sorry for him (e.g., not eating, drinking heavily, skipping work, never talking to friends)
He hasn't been to work for three weeks now. I wasn't trying to track, only keep tabs so that I knew what days I could relax (since his unexpected visit to work), but he hasn't been here. At all. I know this as a fact because I have started receiving questions regarding things where I used to work with him, people saying they understand I don't do this anymore but who should they contact since XABF has been out.
I feel bad, in some ways... But he has lots of vacation days. He is being paid for this. It is his decision not to go. I feel so heartless sometimes, but I'm not heartless, I have no control over his choices, and I never did. Anything he told me to the contrary was a clever lie, manufactured to manipulate me and "keep me in my place."
His behavior is his, plain and simple.
Stalking you
Next to this one I wrote "I am sure he will try this one."
Go me. I am smarter than I will admit to myself.
Although I will confess, in this case, I do wish I was wrong.
It's hard to move on when you're constantly looking over your shoulder.
He doesn't care that these pieces don't fit together, because he is intently focused on a single desire: to get you back under his control.
He knows he used to be able to control you with charm, affection, and promises. He also remembers how well intimidation or aggression worked at other times. Now both of these tools are losing their effectiveness, so he tries to increase the voltages. He may switch erratically back and forth between the two like a doctor who cycles a patient through a range of antibiotics, trying to find the one that will get the infection under control. And the analogy is an apt one, because the abuser his his (ex-)partner's growing strength and independence as sickness rather than as the harbinger of health that it actually is.
Fortunately I have had minimal contact with him, so he hasn't had much chance to try these tricks on me. In addition, I believe he is still too angry to try acting "nice" towards me - which is to my advantage, because that's the trick I'd be more likely to fall for. The longer he takes to try and use it, the more resistance I'll have built up against it.
The more I remind himself that this part is probably coming, that the empty promises and dreams of happiness and cupcakes are just manipulative lies, the better capable I will be to handle my own truth, and withstand his attempts at reeling me back in.
I am worth so much more than that life. I like my life so much more. I won't go back. I can't go back.
My clients make flip-flopping statements during breakups about who is responsible for the dissolution of the relationship, bouncing between blaming everything on themselves and casting all fault on to the woman. Making it her fault is closer to their real thinking; the blaming of themselves is largely a way to win sympathy from other people, including abuse counselors, who can get drawn in by a theatrical show of pained guilt. And in an ironic twist, the more he says that the separation is his own fault, the more friends and relatives are tempted to pressure the woman to believe that he will change.
Reading this again, I am glad that I cut contact with his family.
His mother believes this is all my fault.
His daughter believes that I have every right to move on with my life, but that I ruined his recovery.
His sister does not blame me, and understands where I am coming from, but is too wrapped up in the turmoil and drama and would constantly drag me back into it as well.
The part that I never understood, about this kind of thinking, is that if he believes everything is my fault, and that I ruined everything, why is he so eager to try and get me back? If he truly feels I am to blame, and he is the innocent victim, and he is carrying all this resentment and anger towards me... wouldn't he be willing to accept that I am no longer interested in the relationship? Wouldn't he just walk away and say "Good riddance!" and be done with it?
Recognizing that disjoint in his thinking has been helping me recognize how truly sick his his thought process has become, and has helped me built up more resistance against falling for his manipulation.
That said, I still shake at the thought of him trying to contact me again.
My clients demand forgiveness while continuing to insult, threaten, demand immediate responses, attend only to their own needs, and more. According to his mindset, she should believe that his abuse has stopped when he says it has stopped, regardless of what she sees in front of her own eyes.
I had to re-quote this part, because it is so true. XABF was always telling me to just ignore his verbal abuse, he didn't really mean it, anybody else would recognize he didn't mean it, why was I letting it affect me so much? He yelled at his daughter growing up, and she turned into a lawyer, so why can't I just be perfect like her?
There is no limit to how much she should be willing to "work on" our relationship.
Ha! When he appeared at my desk at work, and ranted and raved about all the wrongs I did to him, and how we should get back together... Finally, I stopped him, said my small piece, and left.
I stopped him when he was saying how I needed to give him another chance. "How many more second chances do you think it will take, XABF? Because you've used up everything I had. I'm all used up. I don't have any left." His answer? "Yes you do. Don't like to me!"
Mister Entitlement Extraordinaire.
Now I know.
No woman in any of my cases has ever left a man the first time he behaved abusively (not that doing so would be wrong). By the time she moves to end her relationship, she has usually lived with years of verbal abuse and control and has requested uncountable numbers of times that her partner stop cutting her down or frightening her. In most cases she has also requested that he stop drinking, or go to counseling, or talk to a clergy person, or take some other step to get help. She has usually left him a few times, or at least started to leave, and then gotten back together with him. Don't any of these actions on her part count as demonstrating her commitment? Has she ever done enough, and gained the right to protect herself? In the abuser's mind, the answer is no.
Once again, the abuser's double standards rule the day. He doesn't consider his chronic verbal abuse, or even violence, to constitute a failure of to "love and cherish," but her decision to move away for safety does.
He was always telling me how I wasn't committed to the relationship, how he was doing all the work and I was just getting the rewards without putting anything into it.
What rewards? Pain and suffering?
I didn't sign on for this.
This isn't love.
It never was.
In the abusive man's self-serving value system, the woman may be responsible for his needs and feelings even after she declares that she isn't his partner anymore. ... In particular, he tends to make her endlessly responsible for his hurt feelings from their relationship or from their breakup.
When he cornered me at work, it was all about how I made HIM feel. None of it was ever about me, how I felt, how I was doing... He didn't even ask. He didn't even pretend to be interested.
No, it was a giant speech, presented by a self-proclaimed martyr, a one-man pity party about how evil I was.
And he thought this would make me run back into the relationship?
He must think I'm a moron.
I have no idea how I fell for this whole act in the beginning. Either he's getting stupider, or I'm getting smarter.
Probably both.
Traumatic Bonding
One exercise that can help you address this trap involves making a list of all the ways, including emotional ones, in which you feel dependent on your partner, then making another list of big or small steps you might take to begin to become independent.
I never did write a list, but I spent a lot of time thinking about this, and it really helped. I'm quoting it here in the hope that others can benefit.
It's common sense, really, but sometimes in the middle of all the insanity we need to be reminded of common sense answers to off-the-wall problems. It really works. Even if the problem is only alcoholism.
Try it!
Even the abusive man who is ready to be single again may still crave retaliation for all the ways he feels you hurt him, which in his distorted perceptual system may include all the times you defended yourself, questioned the superiority of his knowledge and judgment, or refused to simply be a carbon copy of him.
He still doesn't want the relationship to be over, but nonetheless, he carries around these resentments. They drip out of every poisonous accusation he makes.
"I'm not your shadow anymore." I am me, not who you want to turn me into. I will never be that imaginary person - nobody can be that person, it's too contradictory, it's chasing shadows.
I'm not a shadow anymore. I want to walk in the sunlight.
Separation can be an especially risky time. I was close to a case recently in which a woman left a psychological abuser who became increasingly threatening and scary over the months after she left him, to the point where she went as far as making arrangements with relatives regarding who should care for her two children in the event of her death. And although he never hit her during their relationship, he tragically did in fact kill her, hiding a block away from the courthouse to ambush her as she was leaving a hearing where she had obtained a restraining order against him.
Fortunately XABF has not shown this kind of escalation, so I do not fear this from him at this time. Things can change, certainly, and I know better than to delude myself in this regard... But right now, I do not believe he would do this.
Nonetheless, I think it's an important reminder, and something that people on the forum need to understand, even those who have no experience with abusive relationships. Bad endings are possible.
It's important to understand why some people don't leave the abusive relationship, and support her decision, rather than berate her for it. By the same token, it's important for those leaving these sorts of relationships to understand what they may be dealing with, and take the necessary steps to take care of themselves.
Just because he never did something, doesn't mean he never will.
Bookwyrm did a great job completing the chapter, including the instructions on how to leave safely.
The only thing I wish to add at this point is something not covered in the book. Carry a cell phone at all times - EVEN IF IT DOES NOT HAVE A CELL PHONE PLAN.
By law, all cell phones must be able to make outgoing calls to 911, regardless of whether or not the phone is on a plan.
List of 911 Cell Phone Facts Here.
Time to write this one, and be all caught up.
This will be interesting, because at the time I read this chapter initially, I hadn't broken up with him yet, so let's see how well I really did know him, once I allowed myself to admit the truth rather than minimizing it, by seeing what I marked up, and with my notes.
I highlighted some stuff from the examples towards the beginning of the book. The example deals with someone titled as "Van," and his girlfriend, "Gail." Van seemed to be doing well dealing with his abusiveness - until he realized that Gail was positioning herself to leave him, at which point he went backwards.
Van's group was alarmed by his reversion, and members raced to try to get him back on track, pointing out to him that (1) he was claiming to have made great changes, but his entitled insistence that Gail owed him loyalty was evidence of an abuser who wan't changing; (2) he was slipping back into minimizing how destructive his abusiveness and violence had been to Gail, to an extreme where he was convincing himself that he was a more constructive presence in her life than other people where; and (3) he was failing to accept the reality that a women does not have to be "all good" in order to have the right to live free of abuse. I kept an additional thought to myself, which was that based on my conversation with her I was confident that Gail's life was not "going nowhere" and that her primary goal at that point was to heal from what he had done to her. When he made disparaging references to "her issues," he was ignoring the reality that her issues were 90 percent him. I remained silent on this point because I was concerned, given the state of mind he was in, that the better he understood her healing process, the more effectively he would take steps to sabotage it.
I think there are several reasons why this part of the chapter stood out to me. For starters, I was trying to predict his behavior, and judging by his past behavior regarding alcoholism, I could very well see him minimizing, blaming everything on me, insisting I owed him loyalty...
On top of that, he understood the problems behind alcoholism extremely well, and used that to his advantage with the counselors in rehab, but also as more fuel to manipulate me.
While I had this strong desire that he truly understand how much he hurt me, and what his abuse had put me through, I also realized that I did not want him to have this knowledge, because it certainly would not be put to use to assist me. Knowledge his power, and he used all the power he could muster to his advantage, NEVER mine.
I had to balance my desires (that he understand me) with my real needs (protecting myself from falling for his trap again). So far I am doing okay with that, but I do need to keep reminding myself, and keep growing stronger, so that I prevent myself from falling backwards.
Few abusers readily allow themselves to be left. When they feel a partner starting to get stronger, beginning to think for herself more, slipping out from under domination, abusers move to their endgame.
So far his "endgame" involves appearing unwanted at my apartment or my desk at work, one of each thus far. He did try email before that, but I didn't take the bait. I do not know what he will do next, I am not responsible for trying to figure that out, I just need to rehearse my reaction as best I can, remind myself of what I must do to protect myself - calling the police, calling security and HR if it is at work, protecting myself. I can feel sorry for him, and I do feel sorry for him - but not at the expense of my new life, and my serenity. Just because he is not caring for himself doesn't mean he can't - he just wants me to do it, and I'm not doing that job anymore.
And now reading the list of Abusers' Responses to a Possible Breakup I highlighted a few. I do recognize his destructive behavior better than I thought I would, because he hasn't done any of the ones that I haven't highlighted, and he's done most of the ones I did highlight. (He hasn't joined AA yet, and hasn't turned very nice yet.)
Just a few of the bigger ones:
Behaving in self-destructive ways so that you will worry or feel sorry for him (e.g., not eating, drinking heavily, skipping work, never talking to friends)
He hasn't been to work for three weeks now. I wasn't trying to track, only keep tabs so that I knew what days I could relax (since his unexpected visit to work), but he hasn't been here. At all. I know this as a fact because I have started receiving questions regarding things where I used to work with him, people saying they understand I don't do this anymore but who should they contact since XABF has been out.
I feel bad, in some ways... But he has lots of vacation days. He is being paid for this. It is his decision not to go. I feel so heartless sometimes, but I'm not heartless, I have no control over his choices, and I never did. Anything he told me to the contrary was a clever lie, manufactured to manipulate me and "keep me in my place."
His behavior is his, plain and simple.
Stalking you
Next to this one I wrote "I am sure he will try this one."
Go me. I am smarter than I will admit to myself.
Although I will confess, in this case, I do wish I was wrong.
It's hard to move on when you're constantly looking over your shoulder.
He doesn't care that these pieces don't fit together, because he is intently focused on a single desire: to get you back under his control.
He knows he used to be able to control you with charm, affection, and promises. He also remembers how well intimidation or aggression worked at other times. Now both of these tools are losing their effectiveness, so he tries to increase the voltages. He may switch erratically back and forth between the two like a doctor who cycles a patient through a range of antibiotics, trying to find the one that will get the infection under control. And the analogy is an apt one, because the abuser his his (ex-)partner's growing strength and independence as sickness rather than as the harbinger of health that it actually is.
Fortunately I have had minimal contact with him, so he hasn't had much chance to try these tricks on me. In addition, I believe he is still too angry to try acting "nice" towards me - which is to my advantage, because that's the trick I'd be more likely to fall for. The longer he takes to try and use it, the more resistance I'll have built up against it.
The more I remind himself that this part is probably coming, that the empty promises and dreams of happiness and cupcakes are just manipulative lies, the better capable I will be to handle my own truth, and withstand his attempts at reeling me back in.
I am worth so much more than that life. I like my life so much more. I won't go back. I can't go back.
My clients make flip-flopping statements during breakups about who is responsible for the dissolution of the relationship, bouncing between blaming everything on themselves and casting all fault on to the woman. Making it her fault is closer to their real thinking; the blaming of themselves is largely a way to win sympathy from other people, including abuse counselors, who can get drawn in by a theatrical show of pained guilt. And in an ironic twist, the more he says that the separation is his own fault, the more friends and relatives are tempted to pressure the woman to believe that he will change.
Reading this again, I am glad that I cut contact with his family.
His mother believes this is all my fault.
His daughter believes that I have every right to move on with my life, but that I ruined his recovery.
His sister does not blame me, and understands where I am coming from, but is too wrapped up in the turmoil and drama and would constantly drag me back into it as well.
The part that I never understood, about this kind of thinking, is that if he believes everything is my fault, and that I ruined everything, why is he so eager to try and get me back? If he truly feels I am to blame, and he is the innocent victim, and he is carrying all this resentment and anger towards me... wouldn't he be willing to accept that I am no longer interested in the relationship? Wouldn't he just walk away and say "Good riddance!" and be done with it?
Recognizing that disjoint in his thinking has been helping me recognize how truly sick his his thought process has become, and has helped me built up more resistance against falling for his manipulation.
That said, I still shake at the thought of him trying to contact me again.
My clients demand forgiveness while continuing to insult, threaten, demand immediate responses, attend only to their own needs, and more. According to his mindset, she should believe that his abuse has stopped when he says it has stopped, regardless of what she sees in front of her own eyes.
I had to re-quote this part, because it is so true. XABF was always telling me to just ignore his verbal abuse, he didn't really mean it, anybody else would recognize he didn't mean it, why was I letting it affect me so much? He yelled at his daughter growing up, and she turned into a lawyer, so why can't I just be perfect like her?
There is no limit to how much she should be willing to "work on" our relationship.
Ha! When he appeared at my desk at work, and ranted and raved about all the wrongs I did to him, and how we should get back together... Finally, I stopped him, said my small piece, and left.
I stopped him when he was saying how I needed to give him another chance. "How many more second chances do you think it will take, XABF? Because you've used up everything I had. I'm all used up. I don't have any left." His answer? "Yes you do. Don't like to me!"
Mister Entitlement Extraordinaire.
Now I know.
No woman in any of my cases has ever left a man the first time he behaved abusively (not that doing so would be wrong). By the time she moves to end her relationship, she has usually lived with years of verbal abuse and control and has requested uncountable numbers of times that her partner stop cutting her down or frightening her. In most cases she has also requested that he stop drinking, or go to counseling, or talk to a clergy person, or take some other step to get help. She has usually left him a few times, or at least started to leave, and then gotten back together with him. Don't any of these actions on her part count as demonstrating her commitment? Has she ever done enough, and gained the right to protect herself? In the abuser's mind, the answer is no.
Once again, the abuser's double standards rule the day. He doesn't consider his chronic verbal abuse, or even violence, to constitute a failure of to "love and cherish," but her decision to move away for safety does.
He was always telling me how I wasn't committed to the relationship, how he was doing all the work and I was just getting the rewards without putting anything into it.
What rewards? Pain and suffering?
I didn't sign on for this.
This isn't love.
It never was.
In the abusive man's self-serving value system, the woman may be responsible for his needs and feelings even after she declares that she isn't his partner anymore. ... In particular, he tends to make her endlessly responsible for his hurt feelings from their relationship or from their breakup.
When he cornered me at work, it was all about how I made HIM feel. None of it was ever about me, how I felt, how I was doing... He didn't even ask. He didn't even pretend to be interested.
No, it was a giant speech, presented by a self-proclaimed martyr, a one-man pity party about how evil I was.
And he thought this would make me run back into the relationship?
He must think I'm a moron.
I have no idea how I fell for this whole act in the beginning. Either he's getting stupider, or I'm getting smarter.
Probably both.
Traumatic Bonding
One exercise that can help you address this trap involves making a list of all the ways, including emotional ones, in which you feel dependent on your partner, then making another list of big or small steps you might take to begin to become independent.
I never did write a list, but I spent a lot of time thinking about this, and it really helped. I'm quoting it here in the hope that others can benefit.
It's common sense, really, but sometimes in the middle of all the insanity we need to be reminded of common sense answers to off-the-wall problems. It really works. Even if the problem is only alcoholism.
Try it!
Even the abusive man who is ready to be single again may still crave retaliation for all the ways he feels you hurt him, which in his distorted perceptual system may include all the times you defended yourself, questioned the superiority of his knowledge and judgment, or refused to simply be a carbon copy of him.
He still doesn't want the relationship to be over, but nonetheless, he carries around these resentments. They drip out of every poisonous accusation he makes.
"I'm not your shadow anymore." I am me, not who you want to turn me into. I will never be that imaginary person - nobody can be that person, it's too contradictory, it's chasing shadows.
I'm not a shadow anymore. I want to walk in the sunlight.
Separation can be an especially risky time. I was close to a case recently in which a woman left a psychological abuser who became increasingly threatening and scary over the months after she left him, to the point where she went as far as making arrangements with relatives regarding who should care for her two children in the event of her death. And although he never hit her during their relationship, he tragically did in fact kill her, hiding a block away from the courthouse to ambush her as she was leaving a hearing where she had obtained a restraining order against him.
Fortunately XABF has not shown this kind of escalation, so I do not fear this from him at this time. Things can change, certainly, and I know better than to delude myself in this regard... But right now, I do not believe he would do this.
Nonetheless, I think it's an important reminder, and something that people on the forum need to understand, even those who have no experience with abusive relationships. Bad endings are possible.
It's important to understand why some people don't leave the abusive relationship, and support her decision, rather than berate her for it. By the same token, it's important for those leaving these sorts of relationships to understand what they may be dealing with, and take the necessary steps to take care of themselves.
Just because he never did something, doesn't mean he never will.
Bookwyrm did a great job completing the chapter, including the instructions on how to leave safely.
The only thing I wish to add at this point is something not covered in the book. Carry a cell phone at all times - EVEN IF IT DOES NOT HAVE A CELL PHONE PLAN.
By law, all cell phones must be able to make outgoing calls to 911, regardless of whether or not the phone is on a plan.
List of 911 Cell Phone Facts Here.
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