bookwyrm

I know the pain you're describing. The one that comes from the shift in perspective, where everything you thought you knew suddenly becomes different and strange.

This is a milestone! I still wrestle with the habit of automatically taking the blame.

Don't apologise! Keep posting as new things occur to you. You're not alone in this.

bookwyrm

Changing the Abusive Man – The Making of an Abusive Man

We pass a magazine rack and he points at the cover of Cosmo and says: “Why don’t you look like that?”
His favourite song is that Guns ‘n’ Roses one: ”I used to love her but I had to kill her.” He puts it on all the time.
His dad treats his mom the same way he treats me.
You should see how he and his buddies talk about women, like they’re pieces of meat.


…abusiveness has little to do with psychological problems and everything to do with values and beliefs. Where do a boy’s values about partner relationships come from? The sources are many. The most important ones include the family he grows up with, his neighbourhood, the television he watches and books he reads, jokes he hears, messages that he receives from toys he is given and his most influential adult role models. His role models are important not just for the behaviours they exhibit to the boy but also for which values they teach him in words and what expectations they instil in him for the future. In sum, a boy’s values develop from the full range of his experiences within his culture.
Each boy’s socialisation is unique. Even two siblings close in age do not learn identical values. Culture is thus transmitted on a continuum…

HOW A BOY LEARNS ABUSE

Laws and the legal system have colluded with the abuse of women.
Until well into the 1800, it was expressly legal for a man in the English speaking world to physically abuse his wife. She had no recourse to the police or the courts and, if she chose to divorce him because of his abusiveness, he was legally entitled to custody of their children. In the late 19th century some legal consequences were finally legislated for some of the most extreme beatings of women but they were rarely enforced until the 1970’s and were not enforced consistently at all until the 1990s! For hundreds and perhaps thousands of years the domestic assault of women has been considered a necessary tool for a man to maintain order and discipline in his home…

It is likely to take a number of generations to overcome the accumulated impact of hundreds of years of destructive social attitudes. The culture that shaped these laws and was, in turn, shaped by them, is reflected in people’s continued willingness to blame women for “provoking” abuse, to feel sorry for men who face legal consequences for intimate violence and to be highly sceptical of women’s reports of abuse…

“Why does a physically abusive man believe he can get away with it?” I have to answer that until very recently he could and even now legal consequences are less serious for men who assault partners than for those who assault strangers. This historical condoning of the physical abuse of women has also played a critical role in making it difficult to address and overcome emotional abuse, as it has created an atmosphere of impunity regarding men’s conduct in partner relationships.

Religious beliefs have often condoned the abuse of women
The most influential religious scriptures in the world today, including the Bible, the Torah, the Koran and major Buddhist and Hindu writings, explicitly instruct women to male domination…I have had numerous clients over the years who explicitly rely on quotations from scripture to justify their abuse of their partners. Similarly, religious prohibitions against divorce have entrapped women in abusive marriages…

Children who are raised in a faith tradition are commonly taught that the rules of their religion are the ultimate guide to right and wrong, superior even to civil law. A boy’s early religious training can be formative in the development of his image of appropriate behaviours in intimate relationships, the status of women and the entitlements of men.

Popular performers both reflect and shape social attitudes
…Even more horrible than Eminem’s decision to record this song ['Kim']glorifying the murder of a woman and child is the fact that it did not stop him for receiving a Grammy. What is a teen boy or young man to conclude about our culture from this award? I believe I can safely say that a singer who openly promoted the killing of Jews or blacks or people in wheelchairs would be considered ineligible for a Grammy. But not so, unfortunately, for encouraging the brutal and premeditated murder of one’s wife and child, complete with a plan for how to escape the consequences for it.

And, unfortunately, Eminem has plenty of company. The extremely popular Guns N’ Roses recorded a song that goes: “I used to love her/but I had to kill her/I had to put her six feet under/and I can still hear her complain.” The singer goes on to sing that he knew he would miss her so he buried her in the backyard. This song supports the common attitude among physical abusers that women’s complaints are what provoke men to violence.

Another outstanding example is the comedian Andrew Dice Clay, whose repertoire of ‘jokes’ about the beating and sexual assault of females has filled performance halls across the country. Fans of these kinds of performers have been known to state defensively, “come on, it’s just humour.” But humour is actually one of the powerful ways a culture passes on its values. If a man is already inclined towards abuse because of his earlier training or experience, he can find validation in such performances and distance himself even further from empathy for his partners…

Popular plays and movies romanticise abuse of women
…The messages to young men, intentional or not, are that coercion and even a degree of physical violence and intimidation are compatible with deep love and that a man can know better than a woman what is good for her…

A boy’s early training about sex roles and about relationships can feed abuse
At least until quite recently, a boy has tended to learn from the most tender age that when he reaches young adulthood he will have a wife or girlfriend who will do everything for him and make him a happy man. His partner will belong to him… Tightly interwoven with these expectations are other messages he is likely to receive about females. He may learn that boys are superior to girls, particularly if he grows up around men who exhibit that attitude. (In many families, there is no worse insult you can give to a boy than to say, “You’re acting like a girl.”)…

Studies have found that nearly half of abusive men grow up in homes where their father or step-father is an abuser. Home is a critical learning ground for values and sex-role expectations.

…cultural values that run this deep take generations to unearth and dispose of.

Some messages in media orientated toward children and teens support abuse by men
…In Beauty and the Beast, for example, the beast is cruel to the woman and isolates her from the world but she loves him anyhow and her love ultimately transforms him into a good man – the precise myth that keeps some women entrapped in their abusive relationships. In The Little Mermaid, Ariel chooses to give up her voice – literally – in order to live on land so she can marry the man she loves. A woman with no voice is the dream girl of some abusive men.

…In the world of MTV and VH1 many of the sex-role messages are worse than ever, with males aggressive and in control and the value of females restricted to their sexual allure. As was exposed in a recent documentary broadcast on MTV, pornographers are frequently being hired to make music videos which predictably leads to portrayals of women that make them look like they exist for men to use.

Some music videos show abuse explicitly. In one, for example, a man stalks a woman throughout the song as she repeatedly tries to escape him, including one part in which she dives into a car to get away and he pulls open another door and jumps in after her. At the end of the video, she gives up and fall in love with him. The message thus is not only that stalking proves how much he loves her but also that the stalker was actually doing what was best for her. Women in music videos never mean no when they say it and when they run away, they really want to be chased and caught. What could more perfectly capture the abusive mentality?

Pornographic videos, magazines and websites are learning grounds
As a boy enters his teen years, he is likely to encounter another powerful shaper of his outlook on females and how to treat them: pornography. Most pornographic movies, magazines and websites can function as training manuals for abusers, whether they intend to or not, teaching that women are unworthy of respect and valuable only as sex objects for men…The harm to teens from looking at pornography has little to do with its sexual explicitness and everything to do with the attitudes it teaches toward women, relationships, sexual assault and abuse…

Boys often learn that they are not responsible for their actions
Boys aggressiveness is increasingly being treated as a medical problem, particularly in schools, a trend that has led to the diagnosing and medicating of boys whose problem may really be that they have been traumatised and influenced by exposure to violence and abuse at home. Treating these boys as though they have a chemical problem not only overlooks the distress they are in but also reinforces the belief that they are ‘out of control’ or ‘sick’ rather than helping them to recognise that they are making bad choices based on destructive values. I have sometimes heard adults tell girls that they should be flattered by boys’ invasive or aggressive behaviour ‘because it means he really likes you’, an approach that prepares both boys and girls to confuse love with abuse and socialises girls to feel helpless.

In most media coverage of bullying and school violence, including highly publicised school murders such as Columbine, reporters have overlooked the gender issues. Headlines described these events as ‘kids killing kids’ when close to 100% of them have involved boys killing kids. In some cases it has been revealed that the killings were related to boys’ hostility towards females, including one case in which the two boys who went on a murderous rampage said afterward that they had done it because they were angry that their girlfriends had broken up with them…

When culture and home experience dovetail, each reinforces the other
If a boy grows up in a home where his mother is abused, hearing a song like Eminem’s ‘Kim’ could leave a deep imprint on him. He may well feel that society is giving its public stamp of approval to the mistreatment of women he has witnessed at home. The likelihood that he will blame his mother for what happens to her and begin to copy the abuser’s behaviour increases with each pro-abuse message he absorbs from his surroundings.


…Half or more of my clients do not come from homes in which a man modelled abuse of women. The cultural influences I have discussed above are sufficient in themselves to prepare a boy to become an abusive man…

…In his mind, the picture may illustrate the word partner but a more accurate word for the image he is developing might be servant…The boy doesn’t believe he is demanding anything that is unreasonable; he seeks only what he considers his due….His first sexual experiences are likely to be a result of his pressuring a girl steadily until she gives in, so that sexual coercion becomes one of his earliest relationship habits…The abusive man feels cheated, ripped off and wronged because of his sense of entitlement is so badly distorting his perceptions of right and wrong.

In sum, an abuser can be thought of not as a man who is a ‘deviant’ but rather as one who has learned his society’s lessons too well, swallowing them whole.

THE CULTURAL EXCUSE

My abusive clients sometimes become aware of these ways in which society has shaped their values and, sticking closely to their long-standing abusive habits, seize this insight as a new excuse. Instead of saying ‘I was drunk’ or ‘I was abused as a child’ they rise to a new level of sophistication in escaping responsibility, declaring: “I did it because I learned entitled expectations and the devaluing of females.” “The number one lesson you seemed to have learned, “I say, “is how to make excuses for abusing women. And I see that you’re still practicing it.”

ABUSE AS A FORM OF OPPRESSION

A home where a woman is abused is a small scale model of much larger oppressive systems that work in remarkably similar ways. Many of the excuses and abusive man uses for verbally tearing his partner to shreds are the same ones a power-mad boss uses for humiliating his or her employees. The abusive man’s ability to convince himself that his domination of you is for your own good, is paralleled by the dictator who says, “People in this country are too primitive for democracy.” The divide-and-conquer strategies used by abusers are reminiscent of a corporate head who tries to break the labour union by giving certain types of workers favoured treatment. The making of an abuser is thus not necessarily restricted to the specific values his society teaches him about men’s relationships with women; without realising it he may also apply attitudes and tactics from other forms of oppression he has been exposed to as a boy or as a young adult that he has learned to justify or even admire.

…Oppressive systems stay in existence because the people in power enjoy the luxury of their position and become unwilling to give up the privileges they win through taking advantage of other people and keeping them down. In short the abusive mentality is the mentality of oppression.

…In fact, the greater surprise is that so many boys do not grow up to abuse women. There must not be anything inherently abusive or power-hungry about men or it would be impossible for so many to refuse to follow the path where their cultural training is propelling them.

...We live in a period of mounting international pressure for the respect of human rights for everyone, of insistence on the recognition of the worth and dignity of each person, male or female, young or old, wealthy or poor and of whatever colour. The current context is probably the most helpful one there ever has been for putting an end to the abuse of women and to the range of abuses of power that follow its pattern…

KEY POINTS TO REMEMBER

• An abuser is not born; he is made.
• In order to bring about change in an abuser, we have to reshape his attitude toward power and exploitation.
• Abusive behaviour is reinforced by multiple societal messages, some of which are specific to the abuse of women and some of which reflect the overall culture of oppression.
• Your courageous resistance to partner abuse – and you have stood up for yourself (and your children) in many ways, whether you realise it or not – is a gift to everyone because all forms of abuse are intertwined.

<phew! I'll be back to comment later!>

StarCat

XABF was always comparing me to other women. Including his daughter.
Always talking about how his daughter had really nice legs, and that I should have legs just as nice as his daughter had.
He'd then grab my legs, squeeze until it hurt, and announce, "Do you see all the fat there? You have too much fat on your legs. Here, squeeze mine, I have nicer legs than you, and I'm a man."
I remember wondering if I could use a kitchen steak knife to cut all the fat off my legs, would they heal properly afterwards? How sick is that.

He was also always telling me that he could have any woman he wanted, but he picked me. He would tell stories of going to parties and picking out the prettiest woman, the one who all the guys were after but who wouldn't look at any of them, and by just announcing, "You," pointing at the woman, and pointing behind him, and she'd follow him. He was also always talking about how many emotional problems the "pretty girls" had, so he decided to pick a "nice girl" instead, and that's why he picked me.
This was always when he was in a good mood.

Where do a boy's values about partner relationships come from? The sources are many. The most important ones include the family he grows up in, his neighborhood, the television he watches and books he reads, jokes he hears, messages that he receives from the toys he is given, and his most influential adult role models.

XABF was always telling me about how when his father came home, his mother would literally run to the door to hand him his beer. (He was an alcoholic.) He'd sit in his chair in front of the television and drink. Whatever he wanted, he got, when he was home. Meanwhile, XABF's mother would spend all day at home doing all the chores, and his father never lifted a finger to help her, and rarely took her anywhere - except this one really cheap restaurant, where they'd go for their anniversary.

He was always talking about how his father had the "Life of Reilly," and how lucky his father was, and how he'd never have that life. Then he'd sit on his behind and hand me things and tell me which part of the house to put them in. I'd be running all over the place, he'd be reading the paper, then complaining everything took too long - and we both worked full time at the same place (and he expected me to do half his work, too).

He was always telling me I was just like Edith Bunker from "All in the Family." He said that I talked too much, my stories didn't go anywhere, I bored everyone to death, I had no idea what I was talking about anyway, and nobody cared what I had to say. He said that I was a really smart person, and that if I'd only keep my mouth shut most of the time then people would realize this.

For hundreds, perhaps thousands of years the domestic assault of women has been considered a necessary tool for a man to maintain order and discipline in his home, to make sure that his superior intelligence rules, and to avoid the mushrooming of the hysterical, short-sighted, and naive qualities that men widely attribute to women.

He hated the Women's Liberation movement, and actually blames it for his first divorce, saying his ex-wife was spending all her time in bars with her family, and no time home taking care of the children, where she was supposed to be.

I'm only remembering this now, but he actually told me he went to the Bishop of the Church he attended at the time, asking for help to save his marriage, and the Bishop told him to "Knock her down the stairs a few times, that will show her who's boss in your house. Just knock out a few of her teeth." XABF was always talking about that was such a horrible thing to say, and that he stopped going to Church because of that, and has no respect for priests now, and that he'd never do something like that.
He never used the word "abuse" though, just said he wouldn't ever hit a woman.
He did never hit me, and didn't physically abuse me in the legal sense of the term in my state, but I will say he was not always gentle, and that sometimes things he did really did hurt.

This song supports a common attitude among physical abusers that women's complaints are what provoke men to violence.

So much on the radio nowadays is about unhealthy or abusive relationships, acting like they're normal!
XABF wasn't one to listen to the violent abuse songs, but he was a big fan of Doo Wop.
Duprees anyone?

See the pyramids along the Nile
See the sunset on a tropic isle
Just remember, darling, all the while
You belong to me

When you've dealt with a possessive, abusive relationship, that song isn't as romantic as it first appears. And so many of his favorites are like that. Not overly abusive, but very possessive.

Popular plays and movies romanticize abuse of women.

This goes way back.
Shakespeare's Taming of the Shrew, anyone? The moral of the story is that if you abuse a woman, you get a tame, compliant one, but if you don't you get one that has her own opinions and will, and that's a bad thing.
Heh.
And to this day there are still many many like that.

...a boy has tended to learn from the most tender age that when he reaches young adulthood he will have a wife or girlfriend who will do everything for him and make him a happy man. His partner will belong to him. Her top responsibility will be to provide love and nurturing, while his key contribution will be to fill the role of "the brains of the operation," using his wisdom and strength to guide the family.

Yep. Sounds like him. Sounds unhealthy.

In Beauty and the Beast, for example, the beast is cruel to the woman and isolates her from the world, but she loves him anyhow, and her love ultimately transforms him into a good man - the precise myth that keeps some women entrapped in their abusive relationships. In The Little Mermaid, Ariel chooses to give up her voice - literally - in order to live on land so that she can marry the man she loves. A woman with no voice is the dream girl of many abusive men.

I did keep staying, hoping he'd turn into the person I originally thought he was - but I don't think that person exists, and my desperation to love him certainly didn't transform anyone into anything, unless you count how I turned into a complete and total mess.
And he was always telling me about how I talked to much, so he absolutely didn't want me to have a voice, unless I was singing his praises.

Women in music videos never mean "no" when they say it, and when they run away, they really want to be chased and caught. What could more perfectly capture the abusive mentality?

This isn't just music videos, it happens all over the place, really. It's the wrong message. I remember XABF's favorite television show - "Law and Order: SVU" - even did one where a young boy raped a young girl, and explained that when she was crying and shouting "Stop!" she didn't really mean it, because none of the other girls really meant it. XABF even commented on it, saying how today's media was teaching kids the wrong messages - but failed to recognize what it had done to him already.

Most pornographic movies, magazines, and web sites can function as training manuals for abusers, whether they intend to or not, teaching that women are unworthy of respect and valuable only as sex objects for men.

XABF had a pornographic movie collection. I did not know this when I met him, or he was also always throwing out the old ones and purchasing new ones. I didn't realize at all, until he decided that we would go to the pornographic movie store together, so that I could pick out some movies to watch.
If I ever run across a man who enjoys pornography, ever again, I am running in the opposite direction. It's too much of a trigger for me, for starters - especially if I am supposed to watch it, as well - but on top of that, I absolutely see the message it conveys, and I'm not the type of woman that would appear in those movies. I don't behave like that, not even for "fun," but to me it isn't fun.
So if they like those movies, I'm not the kind of girl they're looking for, and we're both going to be unhappy.
I hate those horrible movies.

I have sometimes heard adults telling girls that they should be flattered by boys' invasive or aggressive behavior "because it means they relaly like you," an approach that prepares both boys and girls to confuse love with abuse and socialize girls to feel helpless.

I have heard this one, from my own parents.
I never thought of it this way, until the book mentioned it, but they're absolutely right! It does send exactly the WRONG message.

From a combination of different cultural influences, he develops an image of his future, which he carries with him. He pictures a woman who is beautiful, alluring, and focused entirely on meeting his needs - one who has no need of her own that might require sacrifice or effort on his part. She will belong to him and cater to him, and he will be free to disrepect her when he sees fit. In his mind this picture may illustrate the word partner, but a more accurate word for the image he is developing might be servant.

I remember a friend of mine from college talking about how he had to see "The Stepford Wives" as part of one of his classes, and it was a very scary, disturbing movie for him. He said that he had trouble sleeping that night, and that he never wanted to see it again.
I watched it with XABF about a year ago, and I did not see how my college friend had gotten so scared about it. I did not like the ending, certainly, but I didn't find it as scary as my friend - in fact, I didn't find it scary at all.
Reading this, I finally realize why. I was already living it. How scary is that? No wonder I wasn't upset by the movie! It was portraying something that paralleled my own reality! It may as well have been an allegorical documentary of my own life.
Now that is scary!

When this boy gets involved in actual - as opposed to imagined - dating, especially as he reaches an age where his relationships become more serious, his childhood fantasy life collides with the real-life young woman he is seeing. She defies him on occasion. She has other people in her life who are important to her rather than making him her exclusive focus. She demands from time to time that he take an interest in her as a person. She doesn't always accept his opinions as accurate and superior to hers. She may even attempts at some point to break up with him, as if she were not his personal possession. The boy doesn't believe that he is demanding anything unreasonable; he seeks only what he considers his due. In fact, our young man feels like he gives his girlfriend more freedom than a lot of other guys do... Above all, he feels that his rights are the ones being denied - which is precisely the attitude of almost all of my clients when they begin my program. The abusive man feels cheated, ripped off, and wronged, because his sense of entitlement is so badly distorting his perceptions of right and wrong.

I can't really add much to that, except that having lived through exactly that scenario, I agree 100%.
Some of the things he said, that I took as projection or manipulation, about how I'm disrespecting him and about how he did so much for the relationship and I did so little, are very likely his "truths" - but they're not mine. I'm not accepting them anymore. He can keep them.

[i]"The number one lesson you seem to have learned," I say, "is how to make excuses for abusing women. And I see that you're still practicing it."

There's no excuse for abusing anybody, for any reason.

...the abusive mentality is the mentality of oppression.

And I will not be oppressed anymore. I am making my own decisions, now.

The oppressive mentality can be taken apart and replaced with a new consciousness. The composer of "Amazing Grace," you may have heard, was a slave trader who repented of his cruelty and became an abolitionist. Abusive men can learn respect and equality - if we insist they do so. But they won't make those changes unless they are subjected to tremendous pressure, because their cultural values as well as their privileges are pushing them so hard to stay the same.

Not to mention, it's so much easier to abusive a woman into doing everything you want her to, rather than actually doing things for yourself. Not to mention that, at least in XABF's case, I believe he'll be more prone to going out looking for another person to abuse, rather than changing his behavior so that he can have a healthy relationship instead. And the way his family, especially his mother, enables him? I think her entire life is built around enabling him... I do feel sorry for the fact that he's back to living inside her house, but you know what? She will never admit there's anything wrong, she'll just pretend it's normal, and that's how she does it.
The therapist at work actually made it a point to tell me that trying to change her view on things now would be a different form of abuse. Seeing her react to anyone trying to challenge her views, I'll confess I do agree with that therapist, now.






Reading this chapter helped me forgive a lot of the things XABF did. I understand that he didn't decide that one of his goals in life was to be an abuser - there's a very good chance he genuinely doesn't realize that's what he does. I can have compassion for why he's so confused about things, and I can understand his point of view, even though I will never agree with it. I do sincerely hope that he finds the help he needs, someday.

That said, I can forgive him, but I can never forget what I have been through at his hands, and I am never going back there. This first round I was an unwilling victim, trying to sort out the truth from the lies, trying to determine what choices I really did have and how to stay safe...
I am free of that, now, and I have no intention of becoming a volunteer for a second round.

I value all the good in life way too much for that.

bookwyrm

I have to step back and look at this intellectually. There are two sides to the coin for me in this chapter. I can see the factors involved in XAH's development and how he came to be who he is today.

I can also see that a lot of those same factors played a role in my development, in how I expected to be treated by my partner and my role in a relationship. I can say all the feminist things that I believe but when it came right down to living with XAH, I ended up taking on more of a traditional 'helpmeet' role. My needs, wants, career and dreams became less important than his. I wanted to support him and rescue him, almost right from the first. I was his champion, I encouraged him. And this is what he played on.

Growing up in an abusive home, I thought I would be 'immune' to being attracted to an abuser. Hah. I was so naive! But this chapter has also given me a new perspective on my dad.

I believed for a long time that XAH was my 'soulmate'. I bought into the 'fantasy' peddled by western culture of everlasting love, romance, passion and destiny all the time proclaiming my feminism. He 'got me' like no one else does. This is true in a way - we have a commonality of experience to draw from, in-jokes that only we would get etc. from being together 18 years. But it didn't mean we were 'soulmates' - heck it didn't even mean we liked each other towards the end.

Looking at all these cultural influences working on both of us I can begin to forgive (but not forget) XAH and myself. This was the most important aspect of this chapter for me. It doesn't excuse my actions but it helps me see where some of my influences have come from much more clearly and why I stayed as long as I did.

I believe that patriarchy is damaging to both women and men. Traditional gender roles can seriously hurt boys and girls. I have no idea how to counter it though!

bookwyrm

XAH believes he is the victim in all this. That, somehow, he is being cheated by someone somewhere of something that is rightfully his. And I think that's a really sad way to live...

StarCat

Boy did I buy into this, and boy did I fall, hard.
I didn't realize how much I bought into this whole idea, until recently going through some old writings of mine, I ran across something I had written very early on in the relationship, and seeing just how little I understood back then and how much I bought into this whole "soulmate" idea...

Just to give you an idea, here's a very small section of it:

...and now that we have realized this our futures are intertwined in a way that cannot be undone, and does not wish to unravel. It is a feeling of perfection, and completeness, and it is both stronger and gentler than any feeling I have ever known...

And yet somehow, even then, I also felt the need to write this part of it, as if somehow I knew that the whole facade would tumble down unless I clung tightly to my beliefs of what it should be in my mind, rather than how they really were?

I know it's not perfect, there are still plenty of things I could find wrong with it... But I don't want to look, I want to hold on to this moment of perfection and wonder because I know that, as long as I hold firm, this "moment" will never end, and the feelings of perfection and wonder and awe and excitement and relaxation will last a lifetime.


Bookwyrm, thank you so much for pointing this out.
I see the "romantic" movies that come out, and the television shows displaying "normal" families consisting of an intelligent woman who does everything to hold the family together and a selfish man who does what he wants and is always forgiven... I hear the songs on the radio about toxic (and, lately, even abusive!) relationships and how much the participants rely and "love" each other and how much they "need" each other... I hear people discussing reality television shows saying "Well, I think he had a right to break all her things, I mean, you heard what he said in the end? 'I had to break them, otherwise it would look like I didn't care about her.' How can you argue with that?"

And I realize that dysfunctional relationships are portrayed as normal, and abusive relationships of every sort, as long as they don't involve physically injuring someone, are quickly climbing into the portrayal as "normal" as well...

Kassie2

Still back on chap 12,

I have fallen so behind as i withdrew into my shell when the official document arrived of my divorce. I know I should feel relieved and free - well I do feel the relief and freedom from the day I moved forward with it - but at the same time it was a reminder of all I went through supposedly "in the twisted belief of love conquers all"- (my dumb belief)

While the abuse in my situation was more emotional and psychological- I could relate to much of it. I remember when he would drink and drive - he refused to let me drive so I would walk or find another way home rather than be in the car with him thinking that he would get the message - didn't work. He would insist that I either drive separately to start- not go out at all - or call the police on him and watch him get away with it because I was wrong about his condition. I thought about it many times and wondered how it was that he could drive so many times in that condition and not get caught on his own. It was only after he got sober that I found out he did get caught but it would be his friends and they just let him go with warnings.

Then one night I did call the police as he was drunk and had taken cold medicine and a sleeping pill -he was yelling at me for something I can't remember what and decided to move out in the middle of the night. I called the police to catch him in this craziness only to have them insist that I was the crazy one! They let him go but did explain it was not necessary to move in the middle of the night and made him agree to another time for picking up the rest of his belongings. He was angry at me for awhile and somehow talked me into taking him back but used that incident to let me know that I could call the police all I wanted and not get the support from them because I was wrong!

What helped me keep my sanity in it all was that my college age son was present through this experience and confirmed that I was doing the right thing to protect my husband, anyone else on the road, and our family. He thought the police were crazy to not see his drunkenness and the fact of the hour in which this was taking place and the fact that he appeared rational but had no socks or shoes on and no coat while running around outside in the middle of winter.

Everytime we had an argument he would tell me to call the police and then proceed to remind me that nothing would happen to him and at some point something would happen to me - like maybe I would be considered crazy and put in the hospital.

So, the ideas put forth here that things will get twisted around - that somehow we get blamed - and sometimes justice doesn't happen are part of my experience. It used to amaze me how he always got out of it.

Kassie2

Chap 13,

After years of trying to understand where his behavior came from that it was just too hard to put up with it.

I, like many, thought we were soulmates in the sense that we had common experiences growing up, and similar struggles maturing as adults and mananging responsibilities. We both worked way below our value and took much of adulthood to find out we were smarter and capable of achieving higher levels of education and work etc. We had many common interests. I will admit that I saw his level of personal growth and healing from the past as not as far along as mine. Having stated that - I did not realize until we were in therapy and the therapist told me privately that while I had indeed recovered nicely - the fact that I was still in a relationship like this one showed me I had a few more stones to turn over - but also admitted that my husband had not gotten anywhere close to where I was in his recovery. Therapist challenged me to rethink why I would stay? He did confirm that my husband's recovery was possible but that it would take a long time and would be quite difficult to endure in the mean time.

It got me to think - I finally had to admit to myself that I thought I could help him. I had no idea that his problems were much worse. I learned a lot about his growing up and still wondered how it all fits. But it is not my problem any longer. When I could admit that I was in over my head and that I didn't want this life anymore - is the day I started to take back control over it.

It is sad to think that "love" isn't enough to overcome everything like the storybooks say. But who is questioning what the storybooks say? My eyes are open to a world that sets up rules and belief systems that may or may not work. Everyone is doing the best they can and so I will take that with me in the future. I will think for myself, do what i think is best, take in counsel when possible, turn it over to my HP and put one foot in front of the other daily. (I may need a push once in awhile for those noticing)

qbert

WOW WOW WOW, I can so relate to this ....I need to get this book. Classic example this weekend I went to my GF's house to drop something off. While I was there, one of my other GF's was leaving and she didn't swing her car enough (she was in front of me) to get around me and hit my front left bumper and headlight. I told hubby the next day and he says "I didn't know you were going to so and so's house, you don't tell me anything anymore or talk to me about what you're doing" (huh?) I just blank stared at him and said WTH does that have to do with me telling you about my car? Do I need to write you a specific itinerary for my daily activities now?". He said no. but......Uggggh, wow, turned it around on me that I didn' tell him I was at her house so THAT is why my car got hit and it's ALL MY FRICKEN FAULT! (sorry, I get heated when I talk about it). Unbelievable. He's becoming more and more jealous over the past few weeks and that really scares me.

Wendy1967

Oh wow. I need to get this book. It's the story of my whole life with my AH. He's not physically violent, but the other abuse is horrid. The crazymaking and gaslighting got so bad that I started an online diary aptly named "Journey to Insanity." I also started a video log under my wildchld97 account on youtube documenting HIS insanity towards me so I can look back and convince myself that *I* am not causing the problems that he claims that I am. (He loves to tell people that if I wasn't such a %$#^%, he wouldn't need to drink.)

I'm stuck right now (no money, no job) but I've learned not to allow him to provoke me into responding to his crap. I've also moved out of our bedroom and I have a lock on the spare bedroom door which I use religiously. It helps to have my own space to distance myself and feel safer.

Wendy1967

I understand completely. My kids are the rock that keeps me grounded when everything seems totally out of kilter. They know how my AH works and how evil he can be...while appearing to be a "wonderful man" to everyone else.

One time on Thanksgiving, he was as evil as could be to me. We were having everyone over and I was trying my best to get everything ready, but ended up crying hysterically. Once the guests started to arrive, he CHANGED into "mr nice guy" and told me to "go clean myself up and act presentable". (he didn't want anyone to think that HE could cause me to look so ugly.) I cleaned myself up and I managed to look half way decent..but all day when people were out of earshot, he kept saying mean ugly things to me. It was almost as if he was daring me to get upset again.

At one point, he told me.."you need some serious help..why don't you go take your meds.". Unfortunately, in my state of mind...I did take the xanax that was prescribed to me for this very reason, but I took four instead of two. Although it wasn't a life threatening dose, I did go lay down and fell into a heavy much needed sleep. When I woke up, I was in the psychiatric ward of the local hospital. He was able to commit me (even while he was drunk) by telling them that I said I was going to kill myself. I spent 5 days of hell over that weekend until Monday when they determined that I was not a threat to myself and that I was unfairly committed by a person who has MUCH bigger problems than I did.

Now when things get bad, I call my kids. They act as shield either by coming over and giving him hell (doesn't really work, but it makes me feel better) or by taking me to their house. They'll be darned if they allow him to do this to me again.

tjp613

Oh yeah, the book is a REAL eye-opener and I definitely suggest you purchase a copy.
Have you seen the sticky at the top of the F&F/Alcoholics forum called "About Abuse"? There's so much good info there!.... here's a link: http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

veryregretful

Hi all,

I'm only on page 2 of this thread. OMG!!!! This is so my STBXAH.

The VICTIM PERSONALITY mostly fits my AH. It's always 'you didn't think of me' 'why are you doing this to me?' 'you know I am disabled and can't do that', etc.

He has been out of the house for a month and I'm struggling with all the guilt feelings. I say to myself - I shouldn't have got a restraining order on him. I feel so bad. How is he taking care of himself? Does he have enough money? etc.

Then I come here and read a little and remind myself why I did get the restraining order and it puts it all into perspective for me. I'm having a hard time with "why did I let it go on so long"

When i was going through the basement (where he spent most of his time) I found a notebook that he journalled about 10 pages. He never writes so this surpised me. He wrote that "he couldn't believe that me and kids were so greedy. We took all his money and got him nothing for his birthday. He is a good father, husband. He's talented. Everyone is unappreciative for what he has done for them. Wrote I am selfish and only care about myself." There was tons more but i think you get the gist. At the end he wrote "I know I am verbally abusive, drink too much, and yell alot but why is she doing all these things to me?"

Also is this notebook, he wrote who back stabbed him through the years. Friends, me, my family. And of the people he listed are friends of ours who knew how he is. She and I always said whatever he says or does she will always be there for me. Now she doesn't want ever to see me again and he is living with them! UUGGHHH!! I don't get it! Is he just so convincing? I think today and the last few days I'm really struggling with what is it about him that they believe him even though they have seen him be abusive all these years.

I have to continue reading this thead.

I going to my first CODA meeting tomorrow evening and I have a psycologist appt on Friday. I need to work through all these guilt feelings and thoughts I want him back. (I don't)

Like others here, I have been abused all my life and I'm 46! 46 years!!!! First my dad. Then another couple short relationships and now with my STBXAH. This is so hard but I KNOW i made the right decision for myself and my children. We need to be happy!!

Thank you for this thread!

veryregretful

[QUOTE=StarCat;2887656I remember sitting next to him in the car in the parking lot at work, he was yelling at me again. He yelled at me in that car so much, I am afraid of that car. I am afraid of cars that look like that car. I finally told him, "I am not listening to this verbal abuse any longer." He completely snapped out, followed me across the parking lot (I had jumped out of his car) yelling how I was really the abusive one, and I was making a fool out of him, and I need to get back in his car RIGHT NOW OR ELSE.

He would yell at me perpetually, and when I managed to hold in my temper and not react he would get worse until I did, then yell at me.

His drinking was always my fault. It was always about how "You should have reminded me how sick I feel after drinking alcohol. You're not assertive enough! You don't know how much influence you have over me!" Whenever he did something wrong, "The alcohol made me do it! Please, remember all the good things we've done together, and use that to keep from getting hurt when I'm yelling at you when I'm drunk." He was always blaming others, too, especially me. "Can't you see how much your parents upset me? You don't have any empathy for me." He was also always asking "Where are you???" even when we were both home. If he could not see me from where he was sitting, I had to announce what I was doing, or he would freak out.

Lastly, I felt like he never listened to me about anything. Now I realize that's not true - he listened a great deal, because that's how he determined how manipulative to me. When he was in rehab and I told him I needed distance, and time to work through things myself, he called me constantly. When I told him we needed to slow down, and actually start closer to the beginning so we could rebuild our relationship, he talked about how he was going to regain my trust, and would I please marry him. He saw me slipping away, and he tried to cling tighter.

I was smothered, and all the life was strangled out of me, and I didn't realize it until I read this book.


Sorry, I am rambling a lot, but this chapter really did a number on me when I read it.[/QUOTE]



My husband and I were driving home from a weekend away at the casino. He was drunk and I was driving on the highway. From the minute we left the casino till we got on the highway (probably about 20 minutes) he is yelling at me. All the bad things I have done and am doing, etc. I pulled over to the side of the highway and got out and started walking. I told him that I wasn't listening to him anymore. A couple minutes later as I am walking down the side of the highway he pulls up in the breakdown lane and yells at me to get back in the car before he gets arrested for DUI. Do you want me to get arrested for DUI? I yell back 'only if you stop yelling in the car'. So of course I got back in and drove home. He didn't say a word on the way home. I was humiliated.

I think this was the beginning of my hitting bottom. I couldn't do it anymore. 23 years was too long.

I am so glad I am not alone!

thislonelygirl

The Nature of Abusive Thinking - The Mystery.

Each chapter starts with some quotes:

He's two different people. I feel like I'm living with DR Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
-This rings true to me . two different people under one mind.

He really doesn't mean to hurt me. He just loses control

-Nope....hes accountable sober or not

Everyone else thinks he's great. I don't know what it is about me that sets him off.

- maybe for the suave abuser but for any rages from ah....others have seen it and said something

He's fine when he's sober. But when he's drunk, watch out.

-True except a hint of drunk him sober.just not as prominant.

I feel like he's never happy with anything I do.

-True but hes not happy with anything else either

He's scared me a few times, but he never touches the children. He's a great father.

-yea theres more to being a great father than just not abusing them physicaly

He calls me disgusting names and then an hour later he wants sex. I don't get it.
-I get it. hes a man

He messes up my mind sometimes.
-he messes up his mind sometimes too. hes sick

The thing is, he really understands me.

-He doesnt even understand himself.

Why does he do that?
-Because he is sick

Frozen

Thank you for bringing this post back! I read it all, I really needed to.