Why Does He Do That? All Chapters

Old 03-01-2011, 07:55 AM
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Don't feel sickened! I think it's common to get swept up in the early passion and to make grand gesture of self-sacrifice for the new partner. I met XAH in...May, he "broke up" with his then-wife (babymama #3) by June/July, and by September, he was living with me and I was supporting him and his son. He jumped ship from one enabler to another. Pretty smart, huh?
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Old 03-01-2011, 11:08 AM
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I was surprised to read how the author describes "Jekyll and Hyde". I am no longer surprised when someone here mentions it, seems a common trait, the split "personalities". But an author in a book about abuse? wow.

In my observations with XABF from afar I can say Hyde has taken over 100%. I think back of the person he was years ago, it has NOTHING to do with this one. And now I am convinced the toxicity is not because he is an alcoholic but because he is sick inside. Alcohol is just an extra monkey on his shoulders. And I see very clearly that I was equally sick not to have left at the very first red flag. Looking back, there were many.

I am so grateful I can see reality now and realize I was not insane. How incredibly stressful, not to know what to expect from a person. But now I realize I grew up this way, learning love was abandonment and always about someone else's wishes and convenience. How could I know how love was? I didn't learn it then. But I can relearn now.

I am done with the "venetian masks" game, I am worth more than constant gaslighting. And I am more than my own codependent tendencies.
(The only time I'll wear one is in Halloween because I think I might look cool )

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Old 03-02-2011, 01:22 PM
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Beliefssss

I could not grasp beliefs as a cause of abuse....made no sense........then I began to think back and remembered a story my AH told me half a dozen times:

AH: "Women stay with men who treat them like sh*t. I proved it to my friend T. My girl at the time was sitting in the next room reading. I got up and screamed at her, "Get off your fat a*s and get me something to eat." My girl got up and scurried about getting me something to eat. I turned to T and told him "See, I told ya." I proved my point right then."

This last week I said to AH, "you remember that story you told me about women stay with men who treat the badly? Has it occurred to you that maybe your believing that is the reason we have problems in our marriage?"

He came unglued. "I never treated you badly. You are my wife. You are on a pedestal. Other women are different."

I responded "It doesn't matter who the woman is, she deserves to be treated with respect."

He couldn't speak. When he did stupid sh*t came out.. More "beliefs" like Good guys lose and never get ahead.

I said you say you are not a loser and always get ahead....Does that mean you are not a good guy............

Needless to say we went around a while............
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Old 03-03-2011, 12:49 PM
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Why Does He Do That - Chapter 3

The Nature of Abusive Thinking - The Abusive Mentality

His attitude always seems to be: "You owe me".

He manages to twist everything around so that it's my fault.

I feel suffocated by him. He's trying to run my life.

Everyone seems to think he's the greatest guy in the world. I wish they could see the side of him that I have to live with.

He says he loves me so much. So why does he treat me like this?


Chronic mistreatment gets people to doubt themselves.


Reality 1: He's controlling.
This may be in different ways over a whole spectrum of extremities and covering different spheres of control:
  • Arguments and decision making
  • Personal freedom
  • Parenting

Reality 2: He feels entitled.
The abusive man gives himself all kinds of rights (and reduces those of his partner and children). He claims:
  • Physical caretaking
  • Emotional caretaking
  • Sexual caretaking
  • Deference
  • Freedom from accountability
"Your abusive partner doesn't have a problem with his anger; he has a problem with your anger"

Reality 3: He twists things into their opposites
Why does he say that I am the one abusing him? The abuser's highly entitled perceptual system causes him to mentally reverse agression and self defence.

Reality 4: He disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her.
Objectification is a critical reason why abusers get worse over time.

Reality 5: He confuses love and abuse
When an abusive man feels...what other people call love, he is probably largely feeling:
  • The desire to have you devote your life to keeping him happy with no outside interference
  • The desire to have sexual access
  • The desire to impress other by having you be his partner
  • The desire to possess and control you

Reality 6: He is manipulative
Some signs of abusers to watch for:
  • Changing his moods abruptly and frequently
  • Denying the obvious about what he is doing or feeling
  • Convincing you that what he wants you to do is what is best for you
  • Getting you to feel sorry for him
  • Getting you to blame yourself, or blame other people, for what he does
  • Using confusing tactics in arguments
  • Lying or misleading you about his actions, his desires or his reasons for doing certain things
  • Getting you and the people you care about turned against each other

Reality 7: He strives to have a good public image.
If you are involved with an abusive man, you may spend a lot of your time trying to figure out what is wrong with you rather than what is wrong with him. If he gets on well with other people and impresses them with his generosity, sense of humour and friendliness, you may wind up wondering:"What is it about me that sets him off?"

Reality 8: He feels justified
The abusive man commonly believes he can blame his partner for anything that goes wrong, not just his abusiveness...Everything is someone else's fault and 'someone else' is usually her.

Reality 9: Abusers deny and minimise their abuse.
He denies his actions to close off discussion because he doesn't want to answer for what he did and perhaps even wants you to feel frustrated and crazy.

Reality 10: Abusers are possessive
'...these women are theirs'

Key points to remember:

Abuse grows from attitudes and values, not feelings. The roots are ownership, the trunk is entitlement and the branches are control.

Abuse and respect are opposites. Abusers cannot change unless they overcome their disrespect toward their partners.

Abusers are far more conscious of what they are doing than they appear to be. However, even their less-conscious behaviours are driven by thei core attitudes.

Abusers are unwilling to be non-abusive, not unable. They do not want to give up their power and control.

You are not crazy.
Trust your perceptions of how your abusive partner treats you and thinks about you.
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Old 03-03-2011, 12:52 PM
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This chapter, for me, was huge. The first 3 quotes at the start of the chapter hit home hard. I had no idea... I still struggle with the notion that he knew what he was doing.

Anyway, I won't be around till the weekend. I'm exhausted so I'll post more about this chapter and how I related to it then.
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Old 03-05-2011, 12:59 PM
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I lived through so much of this chapter. XAH blamed me for everything.

I remember, towards the end, he screamed in my face that I couldn't leave him - I 'owed' him since he didn't leave me when I first got depression and should stay until he said so.

I was so lost... Damn this is really hard to write about - really painful stuff. I thought he loved me. HE confused love with control. I thought he was looking out for both of us, he was just looking out for him and making sure I did what he wanted.

I believed I was a bitch. That there was something inherently wrong with me which is why I didn't have many friends. To be honest, though, this was first planted in my head by my father and XAH played on it, subtly, and kept me focused on him - AND I LET HIM.

How could I have lost myself? Why did I try and keep him happy when the more I did the more he wanted. He talked the equality talk but his actions didn't echo it.

He couldn't even let me make really simple decisions without trying to mess with my mind. For example, ordering take out I told him what I wanted. He questioned it, for some reason. Didn't I get that the last time? Wouldn't I like something different? How about this instead? All under the pretence that he was making sure I got what I really wanted! It was all about control. I see that now. But at the time I was confused and unsure and thought that maybe he did know better than me. I also thought he did this without realising it, that he was just trying to help. But it was a power game with him and I just didn't see it.

I still get angry with myself about this sometimes. I was with him 18 years. How could I have been so blind? But he was sneaky, subtle.

My dad's form of abuse was much more direct - I'm your father and I know best type of thing. His main thing was controlling my mum, using the kids as a means to an end. Although the more I think about it, he used my mum as a way of controlling us too. Damn. I never stood a chance did I?

I just wasn't prepared for XAH's type of knowing cunning. I was way too trusting and I doubt I will ever trust anyone so completely ever again. I still find it hard to grasp the sense of entitlement that goes with this mindset. I find it hard to accept he was an abuser, but he was. I find it difficult to believe just how much power I gave him over me without even realising it. It makes me scared to get close to anyone now.

Looking back at my childhood, I knew my dad was abusive to my mum, it's only now I realise just how abusive to me and, to a lesser extent, my brother he was. He blamed us for a lot and he too screamed in my face during my parent's breakup telling me the divorce was all my fault. It made me feel so guilty for feeling glad he was gone because my mum was so hurt, like it was my fault and I failed to protect her properly. Looking back at my childhood like this has put a whole different perspective on my life and I don't know what to do with it. I'm struggling a little here.

Anyway, enough about me. Can anyone out there empathise?
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Old 03-05-2011, 01:22 PM
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I love this book...I don't have a lot to say yet, other than the book allowed me to believe what I already knew...which is that I am NOT crazy...and that he is intentionally messing with my thoughts etc. I needed this understanding that the book has been able to give, that a friend or someone who had never been through it doesn't!! So glad to have SR and this thread!1
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Old 03-05-2011, 04:06 PM
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Originally Posted by bookwyrm View Post
HE confused love with control.


I disagree! He was not at all confused. He gained privleges from his control just like my AH did. In my case, he had a beautiful wife and home to come to. I took care of everything. He did not touch the house, the yard, nothing. Any problem with either, I made sure he was not bothered by. He was babied to the Nth degree! His clothes and shoes were waiting on him when he got out of the shower of a morning. I took his shoes off when he came home! He sat on the computer and drank. He laid on the couch and drank. When he was bored with me, he found little girls entertaining, watching them out the window (denying it of course), hitting on them everywhere we went. I watched my 50 year old husband hit on a 14 year old girl.
Originally Posted by bookwyrm View Post
I believed I was a bitch.

I was a b*tch. You better believe it! And will be again to anyone who treats me like that.


Originally Posted by bookwyrm View Post
- AND I LET HIM.
How could I have lost myself? I still get angry with myself about this sometimes. I was with him 18 years. How could I have been so blind?



From "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson:
The symbiotic paradox helps to explain the tendency for many to become emotionally trapped within a relationship in which their partners repeatedly abandon them on either physical or emotional levels.
Symbiotic feelings (ones you experienced prenatally and during early infancy when you were in a state of oneness with your mother) are reactivated each time you experience a break in an important bond, even if it is with the same person over and over again. Your neediest fellings-the ones that leave you emotionally helpless-keep flooding your consciousness with primal urgencies. You feel-albeit temporarily-that you can't survive on your own. Each tear in you relationship arouses a new round of intense insecurity. The infant in you cries out to be held and loved-paradoxically, by the very same person who keeps betraying, deserting and abandoning you.

Judith Harris, author of The Nurture Assumption, states that abused children tend to reach out to the very person who abused them for comfort. The same is true in other species. According to Harris, a researcher who studied imprinting in ducks, when he accidentally stepped on the feet of a duckling that was imprinted on him, the duckling followed him more closely than ever.


Originally Posted by bookwyrm View Post
I'm struggling a little here.
Me too!




Originally Posted by bookwyrm View Post
But he was sneaky, subtle.
I just wasn't prepared for XAH's type of knowing cunning.



I read this book (Why Does He Do That?) a couple months ago and thought I could see him clearly then. To my own surprise, I really had no clue how manipulating and conniving he really was.

I watched over a months time as my AH set up a bond with a woman in an attempt to suck her in. It was truly a SET-UP. I watched in amazement as he preyed, truly preyed on her.

He selects women carefully, choosing those who believe they have some small flaw in themselves which they are clearly trying to overcome with make-up or dress. They tend to have a demeanor which shows just slightly some lack of self-esteem or distress. I have never seen him hit on a truly beautiful woman, ever.

Which leads to the obvious question: What vulnerability attracted him to me?

Here is how it went:

Week 1: We went to church. He notices this woman when we walk in. He watches her throughout the class. He makes it a point to make sure she knows he is noticing her. He makes eye contact numerous times with her. She is initially quiet and reserved, clearly distressed. As we left, she was crying. He watched her all the way out.

Week 2: Before church, he starts a fight with me over nothing. We go to church. She walks into the room. He starts being Mr. loving nice guy to me. Huh? What the h*ll? How dare you? Don't touch me, buddy, after the way you treated me this am.
In my mind, I am justified. She, however, sees a really nice guy with a b*tch of a wife. He acts hurt and vulnerable. He again watches her and makes repeated eye contact with her. She begins to reciprocate.

Week 3: We go into class and he is silent and sits unnoticed beside me. She walks in. All of a sudden he is Mr. funny guy in front of the whole class. She now sees his great sense of humor and laughs with him. She slowly makes her way toward us during meet and greet. When she gets near, he makes it a point to say Godly things like: "Honey, we should pray for that hurting couple to get back together." She sees him trying so hard to be a good Godly husband.

Slowly, but surely he is setting up circumstances to draw her near to him. She thinks she is attracted by his vulnerability and kindness. Not hardly.

There was no week 4 because I made it a point to introduce me and my AH to "Cheryl". I made sure to mention that I attend alanon meetings because my husband is an alcoholic. I also mentioned that because alanon uses the term "Higher Power" instead of Jesus Christ my AH insists that I am serving "two masters." Does she agree with him?

He cringed with every word that came out of my mouth. She literally could not get away from him fast enough.

He later tried to start a fight over some bs and I called him out.
"Tell my why your are really angry..Tell me..."
"Because, I can't flirt with women when you are around."
"I know that is true; but it is not the reason you are mad tonight."
He walks away.
I follow.
"You are mad because I exposed you. "Cheryl" now knows you are an alcoholic with warped thinking. She won't touch you with a 10 foot pole now, nor ever. I interfered with your plan."



Once you are privy to their tactics, it becomes easier and easier to see through them.

I told my AH: " I can see you now! I can really see you! No more magic tricks or secret cloaks to hide the real you!!"

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Old 03-05-2011, 08:52 PM
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Originally Posted by passionfruit View Post
He selects women carefully, choosing those who believe they have some small flaw in themselves which they are clearly trying to overcome with make-up or dress. They tend to have a demeanor which shows just slightly some lack of self-esteem or distress. I have never seen him hit on a truly beautiful woman, ever.
...thank you for writing this, and your description of how he preyed upon poor "Cheryl". This helps a lot!

I met XABF at work. I used to go in dressed in a way that convinced him I had no self-confidence - which was not as far from the truth as I wanted to believe.
I was also trying to work through some issues I had with my parents. He decided he would "help" me with this.


Originally Posted by passionfruit View Post
"You are mad because I exposed you. "Cheryl" now knows you are an alcoholic with warped thinking. She won't touch you with a 10 foot pole now, nor ever. I interfered with your plan."
Is it okay if I am grinning from ear to ear because of this, now?


I started by typing out "a couple" quotes from the chapter that really struck me... But then I realized I was basically typing up the whole chapter, so I'll just type out how it made me feel.

XABF was all about how my feelings had to be an extension of his. If he was upset, I had to be more upset. If he was happy, I had to be happier. If he was completely freaked out over an insignificant incident and I wasn't reacting to it at all, I was "cold" and didn't know the meaning of the word "empathy."

He used to make all these rules, like "Never go to bed angry" - then pass out on my floor still screaming, "I'll take the blame even though it's all your fault," "I can't ask you to do anything, you'll take five hours to make a grilled cheese sandwich," "Forget it, you took too long!"

He'd get mad if I did not answer the phone immediately when he called ("I was only worried about your safety"), he'd complain when I wouldn't talk to him during an 'argument' when he's yelling obscenities at me, then get upset when I did try to talk (I called it his "I'm the only one allowed to talk - you're just supposed to agree with me!" complex).

He used to buy me silly, stupid, useless things - many of them expensive - but skip out on things I needed. Then when I wasn't up to his standards I'd get a speech about, "I did all the work to take you to restaurants, I decorated your apartment, I bought you all these things, why can't you just worry about me all the time?" Whenever I told him I needed space, he'd talk about how "You don't need me to help you anymore, so now you're leaving!"

His desires were more important than my needs. I'll never remember the one day he announced, "But I let you take a shower this morning!" Oh, yeah, thanks. I hadn't showered in two weeks, you take one twice a day, gee, you're so generous.

When he got really drunk, he'd force me to go to the XXX rated movie store, and pick out three movies to purchase, and explain to him loudly why I wanted them. I have no interest in those sorts of movies, so this usually resulted in another screaming match in the store, and him storming out after grabbing three off the shelf (usually $60 ones we couldn't afford - who spends $200 in a XXX movie store???). I don't know whether I was more embarrassed about being in the store, people overhearing the argument in the store, or being left behind in that store.

He would insist I spend 100% of my time with him, except at work. At work, he would call repeatedly if I did not immediately answer my phone - this would include while I was in meetings, which usually resulted in a giant slew of angry voicemail messages.
On weekends, he scheduled all our time as well, and evenings I was expected to watch his television shows with him. Then he would complain the chores were not done - and any attempt at me trying to ask when he expected them to be completed simply resulted in a lecture about how I take too long to do everything, and a list of all the people who were better than me at doing chores. He would complain if I wanted to stay home and do laundry, because he wanted to go out and buy more things for the apartment - and any attempt on my part to explain that he could do that while I was getting chores was shot down quite forcefully.

He frequently told me things like "I won't drink anymore, so my problem is solved. What are you going to do about all your problems? You really have a lot of work to do."
I remember sitting next to him in the car in the parking lot at work, he was yelling at me again. He yelled at me in that car so much, I am afraid of that car. I am afraid of cars that look like that car. I finally told him, "I am not listening to this verbal abuse any longer." He completely snapped out, followed me across the parking lot (I had jumped out of his car) yelling how I was really the abusive one, and I was making a fool out of him, and I need to get back in his car RIGHT NOW OR ELSE.

He would yell at me perpetually, and when I managed to hold in my temper and not react he would get worse until I did, then yell at me.

His drinking was always my fault. It was always about how "You should have reminded me how sick I feel after drinking alcohol. You're not assertive enough! You don't know how much influence you have over me!" Whenever he did something wrong, "The alcohol made me do it! Please, remember all the good things we've done together, and use that to keep from getting hurt when I'm yelling at you when I'm drunk." He was always blaming others, too, especially me. "Can't you see how much your parents upset me? You don't have any empathy for me." He was also always asking "Where are you???" even when we were both home. If he could not see me from where he was sitting, I had to announce what I was doing, or he would freak out.

Lastly, I felt like he never listened to me about anything. Now I realize that's not true - he listened a great deal, because that's how he determined how manipulative to me. When he was in rehab and I told him I needed distance, and time to work through things myself, he called me constantly. When I told him we needed to slow down, and actually start closer to the beginning so we could rebuild our relationship, he talked about how he was going to regain my trust, and would I please marry him. He saw me slipping away, and he tried to cling tighter.

I was smothered, and all the life was strangled out of me, and I didn't realize it until I read this book.


Sorry, I am rambling a lot, but this chapter really did a number on me when I read it.
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Old 03-06-2011, 02:16 AM
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Originally Posted by StarCat View Post
Sorry, I am rambling a lot, but this chapter really did a number on me when I read it.
Me too...
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Old 03-06-2011, 02:22 AM
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Originally Posted by passionfruit View Post
I told my AH: " I can see you now! I can really see you! No more magic tricks or secret cloaks to hide the real you!!"
It wasn't until I was away from him that the confusion lifted and I started to see his actions properly. My mind was so messed up that, at one point, after my grandmother had been diagnosed with Alzhiemers, it seemed that I was always 'misremembering' or forgetting stuff that I worried I was getting it too!
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Old 03-06-2011, 04:15 AM
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Chapter 4

The Nature of Abusive Thinking - The Types of Abusive Men

I feel so bad for him; he's had a really hard life.
I'm lucky to be with him; he could get any woman he wants.
I'm really scared of what he might do to me some day.
I shouldn't argue with him because I just come out feeling like an idiot.
He's very sensitive. I shouldn't complain so much; he's doing the best he can.
He says the reason he cheats on me so much is that he's a sex addict.


The qualities that make up an abusive man are like the ingredients in a recipe: the basics are always present but the relative amounts very greatly.

The sections below describe each style of man while he is being abusive. ..don't mean he is like that all the time. In fact many men in the categories below can turn kind and loving at any moment and stay in that mode for days, weeks or even months.

The Demand Man
The central attitudes driving the Demand Man are:
  • It's your job to do things for me, including taking care of my responsibilities if I drop the ball on them. If I'm unhappy about any aspect of my life, whether it has to do with our relationship or not, it's your fault.
  • You should not place any demands on me at all. You should be grateful for whatever I choose to give.
  • I am above criticism.
  • I am a very lovely and giving partner. You're lucky to have me.

Mr Right
The central attitudes driving Mr Right are:
  • You should be in awe of my intelligence and should look up to me intellectually. I know better than you do, even about what's good for you.
  • Your opinions aren't worth listening to carefully or taking seriously.
  • The fact that you disagree with me shows how sloppy your thinking is.
  • If you would just accept that I know what's right, our relationship would go much better. Your own life would go much better too.
  • When you disagree with me about something, no matter how respectfully or meekly, that's mistreatment of me.
  • If I put you down for long enough, some day you'll see.

The Water Torturer
The central attitudes driving the Water Torturer are:
  • You are crazy. You fly off the handle over nothing.
  • I can easily convince people that you're the one who is messed up.
  • As long as I'm calm, you can't call anything I do abusive, no matter how cruel.
  • I know exactly how to get under your skin.

The Drill Sergeant
The central attitudes driving the Drill Sergeant are:
  • I need to control your every move or you will do it wrong.
  • I know the exact way everything should be done.
  • You shouldn't have anyone else - or anything else - in your life besides me.
  • I am going to watch you like a hawk to keep you from developing strength or independence.
  • I love you more than anything in the world but you disgust me (!!!)

Mr Sensitive
The central attitudes driving Mr Sensitive are:
  • I'm against the macho men, so I couldn't be abusive.
  • As long as I use a lot of "psychobabble", no one is going to believe I am mistreating you.
  • I can control you by analysing how your mind and emotions work and what your issues are from childhood. I can get inside your head whether you want me there or not.
  • Nothing in the world is more important than my feelings.
  • Women should be grateful to me for not being like those other men.

The Player
The central attitudes driving The Player are:
  • Women were put on this earth to have sex with men - especially me.
  • Women who want sex are too loose and women who refuse sex are too uptight. (!)
  • It's not my fault that women find me irresistible. (This is a word-for-word quotation from a number of ...clients.) It's not fair to expect me to refuse temptation when it's all around me; women seduce me sometimes and I can't help it.
  • If you act like you need anything from me, I am going to ignore you. I'm in this relationship when it's convenient for me and when I feel like it.
  • Women who want the non-sexual aspects of themselves appreciated are bitches.
  • If you could meet my sexual needs, I wouldn't have to turn to other women.

Rambo
The central attitudes driving Rambo are:
  • Strength and aggressiveness are good; compassion and conflict resolution are bad.
  • Anything that could even be remotely associated with homosexuality, including walking away from possible violence or showing any fear or grief, has to be avoided at any cost.
  • Femaleness and femininity (which he associates with homosexuality) are inferior. Women are here to serve men and be protected by them.
  • Men should never hit women because it is unmanly to do so. However, exceptions to this rule can be made for my own partner if her behaviour is bad enough. Men need to keep their women in line.
  • You are a thing that belongs to me, akin to a trophy.

The Victim
The central attitudes driving The Victim are:
  • Everybody has done me wrong, especially the women I've been involved with. Poor me.
  • When you accuse me of being abusive, you are joining the parade of people who have been cruel and unfair to me. It proves you're just like the rest.
  • It's justifiable for me to do to you whatever I feel you are doing to me and to even make it a bit worse to make sure you get the message.
  • Women who complain of mistreatment by men, such as relationship abuse or sexual harassment, are anti-male and out for blood.
  • I've had it so hard that I'm not responsible for my actions.

The Terrorist
The central attitudes driving The Terrorist are:
  • You have no right to defy or leave me. Your life is in my hands.
  • Women are evil and have to be kept terrorised to prevent that evil coming forth.
  • I would rather die than accept your right to independence.
  • The children are one of the best tools I can use to make you fearful.
  • Seeing you terrified is exciting and satisfying.

The mentally ill or addicted abuser
This last category is not actually separate from the others... Even when mental illness or addiction is a factor, it is not the cause of a man's abuse of his partner but it can contribute to the severity of his problem and his resistance to change.
... likely follow the pattern of one of the nine styles described above. In addition, the following attitudes tend to be present:
  • I am not responsible for my actions because of my psychological or substance problems.
  • If you challenge me about my abusiveness, you are being mean to me considering these other problems I have. It also shows you don't understand my other problems.
  • I'm not abusive I'm just_____(alcoholic, drug addicted....etc)
  • If you challenge me, it will trigger my addiction or mental illness and you'll be responsible for what I do.

Key points to remember:
  • Tremendous variation exists among abusive styles. Your abusive partner may be of a type...haven't encountered yet but that doesn't make him any less real. Many men are mixtures of different aspects.
  • An abuser may change so much from day to day that he couldn't belong to any type. This type of abuser is so unpredictable that his partner can never make sense out of what she is living with.
  • An abuser of any type can have days when he turns loving, attentive and thoughtful. At these times you may feel that his problem has finally gone away and the relationship will return to its rosy beginning. However, abuse always comes back eventually unless the abuser has dealt with his abusiveness.
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Old 03-06-2011, 04:29 AM
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I see aspects of XAH in almost all of these 9 categories. mainly though he shows as: a touch of The Demand Man, a little of Mr Right, a lot of The Water Torturer and Mr Sensitive and even more so The Victim. He is the eternal victim...all the more so because of his alcoholism.
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Old 03-06-2011, 06:08 AM
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Sorry late to the game, thought it was still about chap one - lesson #1 checking into things.

As I read ppl responses I cannot help but fully related to the experience of living with someone who has these behaviors. My AH used the excuse of being abused also. I know not all ppl abused become abusers so I knew there was more to this.

But I think that in the beginning things are different - at least I was treated different. It was only through time and daily living under the same roof that it all fell apart.

I too feel into many of the behaviors others report of themselves except for feeling that it had anything to do with me. I became aware quiet early that the problem was alcohol. I say this to make a point. With this difference in my thinking I still made many of the same errors and experienced many of the same behaviors from my AH.

Even sober, AH made progress but many of the same thinking continued it just wasn't fueled by alcohol. I think that made all the difference for me. I thought if the alcohol wasn't there, he would process his problems and achieve some resolution and put it all behind him. What I saw is that he still couldn't do that - his faulty thinking prevented him from being able to see that it could be better and so he continued to choose alcohol and isolation as companions in life.

This material only solidifies what I learned and confirms my choices.

There are times I begin to feel sorry for his limited view of life and the choices that he made without really thinking any differently. I then have to pull myself back and let him go. I and everyone else had limitations and worked hard to overcome them - he has the same option and keeps making the same choices. I am making new ones.
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Old 03-06-2011, 06:18 AM
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Wow...these last couple of chapters are SO tough...you girls are right.

It's easy for me to get caught up in the "why was I so stupid?" loop...but isn't that just MORE abuse? Now I'm abusing myself?? No. This is where I draw the line. This is The Day where I begin to nurture and love myself...that scared child locked in a dark room, that young wife finding her husband's hands around her neck, the confused and lonely single mom searching for meaning, and the woman I am now who is finally ready to say: "ENOUGH!!!"

I am good enough and I will not accept disrespect EVER again in my life. Finally. I am here.
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Old 03-06-2011, 08:51 AM
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Ah, the types of abusive men.
The previous chapters taught me that yes, I wasn't crazy, I really was being verbally abused.
This one taught me that it wasn't just the alcohol, and not because of all the statements that alcohol doesn't cause it, but because I could identify "sober XABF" and "drunk XABF" in the different abusive categories. He was different when he was drinking, but the abusive behavior didn't stop when he stopped drinking, it just changed.


The Demand Man
I put stars around this section, because this one is very much XABF. I made my own notations here - a lot of them.
If your needs ever conflict with his {or his wants}, he is furious. At these times he attacks you as self-centered or inflexible, turning reality on its head with statements such as "All you care about is yourself!" ... At the same time, the Demand Man is likely to be furious if anything is demanded of HIM. Not only are you not supposed to demand any favors, you aren't even supposed to ask him to take care of his own obligations. {Then he explains away why he can't/won't/didn't do it - "You know I have bad lungs, it could kill me!" Doing laundry never killed anyone.} ... He keeps twisting things around backward in these ways, so that any effort you make to discuss your needs or his responsibilities switches abruptly to being about HIS needs and YOUR responsibilities. ... {XABF did not allow me to have other friendships, and blamed me when I didn't have them, although he did claim to support me in furthering my career - but then sabotaged it by demanding I spend all my time working on his projects instead of my own work. He was also always telling me, "You know I can't take care of myself - I'm codependent!" as if it were a terminal disuease that could never be cured.}
This was worse when he was drunk, but it was there when he was sober, too - just more subtle.


Mr. Right
XABF had a lot of this in him, as well, although I did not mark it up as much as the "Demand Man" one.
He did brush aside my opinions on everything that affected the both of us. When it would make his life easier, though, he was always asking how I felt about things, and always telling me that I had a lot of insight into other people - "women's intuition" he called it - and insisted that I use it to help him.
He did feel like I was his student and he was the teacher, then constantly complaining that he wanted to be my partner and not my father. I guess this was so I couldn't tell him that I felt like his mother, not his partner.
We were always getting into money arguments, and he always complained that he wanted it so we had to do it. He'd "compromise" by taking something else expensive out of the budget, then use that "new found money" over and over and over again to justify things. "We canceled our $150 restaurant so we can afford to go to the diner tonight." "I can get this $90 shirt because we canceled the restaurant." "Yes, well, we can buy this $100 membership because we canceled the restaurant." "I used our restaurant money to buy us tickets to the theater this weekend." "It doesn't matter that we skipped our theater show, because we canceled the restaurant so we got that money back." Ad nauseum.
He had a lot of favorite phrases, including "You're a lot smarter than me, you should have known!" Yet when I tried to tell him hours previous to the incident, he'd brush me off at not knowing anything, and tell me that his granddaughter was smarter than me, and what did I know.
When I would protest all his yelling at me, he's informed me "I yelled at my daughter all the time, and look how she turned out! She's a successful lawyer! She makes more in a month than you do in a year!"
Then my favorite, when he feels I'm not backing him up enough... "There are women whose husbands are in prison for murder but they stick by them and visit EVERY DAY. I'm just trying to help you, and you want to leave!"
And of course, whenever I am asked a question by someone and he is around, he has to answer for me. "No, she doesn't want anything to drink." "Yes, she had a great time."
This one was worse when he was sober than when he was drunk.

The Water Torturer
I do not think XABF did this one to me. Either that, or he was so forceful with the other abusive types, that this one was a relief when he used it. I don't know - I didn't identify with much of this section, although years down the line I might.

The Drill Sergeant
Another one with lots of stars. This one got worst when he moved himself in, although it was always there, just hidden since we lived more than an hour away from each other.
He isolated me from my friends, insisted we had to be together 100% of the time, we had to go to bed at the same time, he picked out what clothing I should wear, what sorts of fantasies I should have, how much time at work I had to spend catering to his needs (when I couldn't even get paid for them!), he drove me to work and home again, any suggestion I made to the contrary was a cause for him to blow up at me. He wouldn't even let me go to Al-Anon!
She feels like a little girl living with a tyrannical father, with no more freedom than an eight-year-old would have.
Fortunately for me he did not turn violent when I hit my bottom, although he had starting throwing things, he hadn't come after me - with a few exceptions, which are minor compared to what would have happened.
My biggest note in this chapter:
...I am very fortunate I acted when I did...
This was again worse when he was drunk, although sober he was very controlling, and frequently used any efforts of mine to have a life as a reason to drink.

Mr. Sensitive
This one only popped up when he was sober.
Mr. Sensitive appears to be the diametric opposite of the Drill Sergeant. He is soft-spoken, gentle, and supportive - when he isn't being abusive. I circled "Drill Sergeant" and wrote "How can he be both???" This section juxtaposed with the "Drill Sergeant" one are what started to convince me that alcohol was not the only problem.
Often he has participated extensively in therapy or twelve-step programs, or reads all the big self-help books, so speaks the language of popular psychology and introspection.
This is XABF again, perfectly. He used to go to ACOA meetings due to his father's drinking, he's read many of the books including "Codependent No More," he's got his copy of the Big Book and the Recovery Bible, and he is ready to bend them to his will.
1. You seem to be hurting his feelings constantly, though you aren't sure why, and he expects your attention to be focused endlessly on his emotional injuries. ... He'll go on and on about it, expecting you to grovel as if you had treated him with profound cruelty. (Notice the twist here: This is just what an abuser accuses his partner of doing to HIM, when all she is really looking for is a heartfelt "I'm sorry."
2. When YOUR feelings are hurt, on the other hand, he will insist on brushing over it quickly. He may give you a stream of popular psychology language... to substitute for genuine support for your feelings, especially if you are upset about something HE did. None of these philosophies applies when you upset him, however.
3. With the passing of time, he increasingly casts the blame on you for anything he is dissatisfied with in his own life; your burden of guilt keeps growing.
4. He starts to exhibit a mean side that no one else ever sees and may even become threatening or intimidating.

His favorite phrases also included "Can't you see how much you hurt me?" and "It's all your fault!" He always blamed my co-dependence, my parents, anything related to me he could thing of blaming.
The "gentle man" style of abuser tends to be highly self-centered and demanding of emotional catering. He may not be the man who has a fit because dinner is late but rather erupts because of some way his partner failed to sacrifice her own needs or interests to keep him content. He plays up how fragile he is [and uses his health, too!] to divert attention from the swath of destruction he leaves behind him.

The Player
This isn't really him. He does flirt with waitresses and cashiers, but he's always preaching about how "cheating is the unforgivable sin" (and includes himself in that opinion). I do see how he is incapable of taking women seriously as human beings, and I do see how he could have turned into this at some point if the drinking did not steal his good looks, but he never got the chance. (Am I a bad person for smiling when I wrote that last bit?)

Rambo
Not him, either. He is the "city neighborhood" definition of a tough guy - doesn't not intimidated easily, and not afraid to pick a fight, but much more emphasis on emotional mindgames than muscles. He was always talking about how his father was the golden gloves champion, so he had to learn to fight at an early age because his father frequently got physical in the middle of the night when he was tanked up, but he seemed to take great pride in not following in that path.

The Victim
Ah, Mister Poor Me, here's your chapter! He was like this, drunk or sober. In the beginning he applied it only to other people; later he added my "wrongs against him" to his list.
He was always talking about how evil his ex-wife was, how she ruined his life because she wanted to go out clubbing all night, how many different men she slept with in front of "his" kids after they separated, how she changed the locks when he moved out for a week, etc, etc. I never really hated her, but I will confess I did believe his side of the story. I should have noticed when he started saying things like "But God got back at her - she used to be gorgeous, even prettier than my daughter, but now she's fat and ugly." Come to think of it, I should have noticed when he started talking about how his daughter's legs were the prettiest legs in the world - saying it once or twice might be considered a compliment, but constantly comparing my legs to hers is kinda sick, isn't it? But that's a different story.
The Victim is highly self-centered in relationships. Everything seems to revolve around his wounds, and he keeps himself at the center of attention. ... He seems forever to be telling you: "You don't understand me, you don't appreciate me, you hold my mistakes over my head." Yet you sense that the dynamic is actually the other way around. ... This recurring inversion of reality is similar to what happens with Mr. Sensitive, but without the introspective psychology, gentle man, or recovering alcoholic routine. This was him while drunker.
Everything is someone else's fault. He even blamed his divorce on the women's liberation movement.
This I especially identified with:
If you are involved with the Victim and want to escape his abuse, you may find that you feel guilty toward HIM, despite his treatment of you, and have difficulty ending the relationship as a result. You may feel that because his life has been so hard, you are reluctant to add to his pain by abandoning him. You may worry that he won't take care of himself if you leave, that he will wither away from depression, won't eat or sleep, or might even try to kill himself. The Victim knows how to present himself as helpless and pathetic so that you will find it harder to take your own life back.
There is never a "good time" to leave, is there? But there is a "best time" - as soon as possible! Reading this book again makes me grateful I got out - and grateful he was in rehab, because I wouldn't have been "allowed" to read it otherwise.

The Terrorist
This one really wasn't him either, except for the "both highly controlling and extremely demanding" parts. He may have ended up here, eventually, especially as the alcohol progressed - I don't know. I do know that he wasn't here yet, and that I am grateful for that.

The Mentally Ill or Addicted Abuser
...it can contribute to the severity of his problems and his resistance to change.
I did underline a lot under the narcissistic section, about how he relates everything to himself even if it has nothing to do with him, being outraged with anyone criticizing especially regarding being generous, etc... But while he's drinking, who knows what's going on?

Points to Remember
I drew boxes and stars and tons of other stuff around the last paragraph.
An abuser of any type can have days when he turns loving, attentive, and thoughtful. At these times, you may feel that his problem has finally gone away and that the relationship will return to its rosy beginning. However, abuse always comes back eventually unless the abuser has dealt with his abusiveness.
This is the most important thing I had to remember, or I would have stayed perpetually, always expecting the "good old days".
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Old 03-06-2011, 09:15 AM
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StarCat - I don't know how you survived this with your sanity intact as you have. (((Hugs)))
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Old 03-06-2011, 10:50 AM
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Originally Posted by tjp613 View Post
StarCat - I don't know how you survived this with your sanity intact as you have. (((Hugs)))
((((tjp))))
To be honest, I am not sure, either.
I will say, some of the weekends and giant trips were nice. We went all over, and I learned a ton about all sorts of things. But even that started to go south - our annual trip to New England this past summer, we skipped half of the planned events while I drove him to the next hotel so he could sleep on the floor there, too. He was drunk half the time.

I will say I have learned a lot from this whole experience.
The biggest thing I have learned is that I am a lot stronger than I thought I was, and much stronger than everyone always told me I was.
Imagine that?
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Old 03-06-2011, 04:36 PM
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Wow....I need to reread this about 10 times just to digest it. My XAH was very much like my Dad in the abuse department but he wasn't as bad so it looked better than my childhood--- for awhile. For me I think the abuse was progressive just like the substance abuse. This is some heavy stuff.
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Old 03-07-2011, 01:43 PM
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Originally Posted by Carol Star View Post
For me I think the abuse was progressive just like the substance abuse.
Same here. And then I 'found' the 12 steps, started detaching and it got much, much worse...
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