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what do i do....

Old 02-25-2011, 01:13 PM
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what do i do....

Dear All – I would be so grateful for your advice!...apologies if this is so long!
So I have had a long saga – close to 9 yrs with a guy who has had a binge alcohol problem.

I am 33, we met in grad school, started off as best friends and then have been on/off for several yrs. Thru the years I have been one of the only people that has known about his drinking issue. And have been his only support and helper.

We have had a deep, complicated relationship, that I have tried to end many times but something kept bringing us back together. I moved to another state for a couple yrs which did provide some distance, up until a year back when he moved to where I live wanting to rekindle all.

He had stopped drinking during this time and was very committed to wanting to be together. I said no as didn’t want the volatility that comes with us …but as we started spending more and more time together, we ended up back together again…..he started drinking again since july again which of course caused problems and everything became on and off.

Finally in December he was at his lowest point, very depressed and socially withdrawn…I stepped in, got his family involved – told them all the truth – and somehow by reading some books on repression and with small amt of therapy he has managed to become sober, quit a 15 yr habit of smoking, and totally change his depression around. Is incredible actually!....

Now the issue – he and I both share an incredibly deep, closeness, love, connection, have so much fun together, enjoy the same things, understand each other, etc….spending time with him the last year makes me want to have a long term relationship with him again – something I stopped being open to for many years. I haven’t told him this (in fact always say the opposite, how I don’t see us together and I am trying to date other guys) ….since he has become sober in December – he has been pushing me away somewhat. He says he feels so much guilt that he wasted so much time drinking so now has gone extreme about socializing – making friends, going out 7 nights a week, and also dating. He says he wants to meet someone and so is out dating lots!

I have distanced myself for the last few weeks, am hardly in touch with him – if I contact him, he responds very warmly and asks a lot about how I am.
I know if I pushed contact, he would respond and want to spend time together – of course based on his social schedule.

I do not know what to do. I of course feel hurt that now he is feeling on top of the world, he doesn’t want the close intimate relationship with me –he has always said he is so madly in love with, even just a month back – I want him to want a relationship with me again, I want him to want to try to make us work….do I do what I am doing and cut off all contact and see if one day he comes back – as I move on with my life. Or do I still stay in his life as his friend, in a much less intense way? He right now seems to be following my lead in the amt of contact. If I contact him, he responds, otherwise he doesn’t …..what to do??

Please advise – I do not know what to do!

THANK YOU!!
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Old 02-25-2011, 01:40 PM
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If I were you, I'd get out and make new friends.

I'd quit contacting him and let him make the next move. If he should he have a relapse and then contact you, that ought to tell you something.

Don't waste your time pining for an alcoholic. You really can't count on them over time.
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Old 02-25-2011, 01:40 PM
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I would only say that he has only been sober since December, there is no need to rush anything. Step back, be his friend (if you want to) and wait and see.
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Old 02-25-2011, 01:44 PM
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Hi Winter and welcome to SR!

I hope you'll find some resources here that you can use.

Have you considered a program of recovery
such as AlAnon?
This would be a great way to start in your F2F world.

Thing is -=
the reason I say that right off the bat, that is -
we're talking about a relationship
with an known alcoholic for seven years.

That's a lot to be undone.
Or learned from.
Or moved beyond.
Whatever.

Whether you stay together or not
it's hard to see clearly
what this relationship has cost
without the outside input.

Others will be along shortly to welcome you to the forum!
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Old 02-25-2011, 01:53 PM
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I'm a big fan of cutting the cord and moving on, mostly because it's easier in the long run. In the short term, it's hard because it means radically changing a comfortable but toxic pattern.

Having re-read your post, it seems to me like it would be best if you cut contact. If it's meant to be, somewhere down the road, it'll happen, but right now, your friend is busy doing his own thing. Seems HP is telling you it's time to focus on you.
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Old 02-25-2011, 01:56 PM
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Yes, welcome.
Seems like I always want to tell people in this "dating" situation to run like hell. If you think you have a complex relationship now, wait until you're married, have a mortgage and start making babies...
But wait. I'm not saying that anymore.

Okay, so he's sober since December. That's not even two months and being a binge drinker, as you say, I'd be looking to put some more time on that sobriety before I make any decisions. Sounds to me that he may be experiencing some clarity without the booze fogging him up. This is leading to his social moves and dating.

What's missing here? Your recovery. You've been dealing with a binge drinker for 9 years, as you say. I haven't been involved with my AW that long and I'm working very hard on recovering my own sense of identity. I've been reading a good book. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You may find it interesting as it sounds like you're working very hard on his life and kinda putting yours on hold.
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Old 02-25-2011, 03:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Shellcrusher View Post
What's missing here? Your recovery. You've been dealing with a binge drinker for 9 years, as you say. I haven't been involved with my AW that long and I'm working very hard on recovering my own sense of identity. I've been reading a good book. Codependent No More by Melody Beattie. You may find it interesting as it sounds like you're working very hard on his life and kinda putting yours on hold.
Ditto on the above. Which, for me, has been the hardest and yet most rewarding thing I have done for myself.

Welcome to SR, and I hope you find the answers you are seeking.

~T
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