Pregnant and Sad Dealing with AH's Relapse
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Hi Florence. 
to SoberRecovery.
I have never been married to an alcoholic, and I don't have children, but I do know that living with an alcoholic or addict often means focusing all your time, energy and attention on THEM and what THEY are doing. They are often loud, and the stuff they do is just crazy, distracting and stressful. Trying to live in the same house with a person who is actively drinking does not bring much peace or quiet or time for self-care or self-reflection. Because everything becomes about THEM, and the alcoholism. Their focus is them and they want your focus to be them too. So, even when it seems like you are telling them about what you want, or what you would like them to do, or even just voicing your displeasure about what they are doing, it's STILL about them!
So my suggestion is to try to get your focus off him and on YOU. And start feeling GOOD about you. Please notice what you have said in your post about how you feel about yourself:
You're judging yourself. You are NOT stupid, you having NOTHING to feel ashamed about, and you are NOT foolish. Having children is generally what being married is ABOUT. Why should you feel ashamed or humiliated about something as beautiful as having this child? People get pregnant and have children under all sorts of circumstances every day of the week. There is no perfectly happy family with no problems to compare your situation to. And HIS actions and HIS choices are NOT a reflection on you. The fact that he is not getting that his alcoholism affects his ability to be a proper spouse is not yours to own. That is HIS. Let HIM own it.
You are a strong and capable woman. You figured out for yourself what you needed to do to be healthy and financially responsible, and you have taken action towards those goals. (((hugs)))
to SoberRecovery. I have never been married to an alcoholic, and I don't have children, but I do know that living with an alcoholic or addict often means focusing all your time, energy and attention on THEM and what THEY are doing. They are often loud, and the stuff they do is just crazy, distracting and stressful. Trying to live in the same house with a person who is actively drinking does not bring much peace or quiet or time for self-care or self-reflection. Because everything becomes about THEM, and the alcoholism. Their focus is them and they want your focus to be them too. So, even when it seems like you are telling them about what you want, or what you would like them to do, or even just voicing your displeasure about what they are doing, it's STILL about them!
So my suggestion is to try to get your focus off him and on YOU. And start feeling GOOD about you. Please notice what you have said in your post about how you feel about yourself:
I feel really stupid for getting pregnant now of all times...I am absolutely terrified of becoming a single mom again and facing the shame and humiliation of ending a relationship during what should be a happy time. AGAIN. I feel so used and manipulated and foolish.
You are a strong and capable woman. You figured out for yourself what you needed to do to be healthy and financially responsible, and you have taken action towards those goals. (((hugs)))
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Chicago, IL
Posts: 204
Man! I really enjoy (maybe that's not the right word 
) these forums because it's incredible how similar everyone's stories are! I am in the process of leaving my AH and I have two young kids with him. He has been a drinker for years and I didn't realize how serious it was until two years ago. He has been in rehab and "playing" at recovery since October too! He has gone to tons of meetings until this, when he told me he decided he doesn't like a lot of the meetings anymore because "no one wants to hear his complaining" that was his direct quote! It took him months to get a sponsor, and finally he just picked one that his buddy had. He also claims his job triggers him too, which is a ton of nonsense. Everything triggers him.
Ugh, I feel your pain, girl. It will all work out though. It really will...I like the idea of you going to Al-Anon meetings! I am attending some too.
) these forums because it's incredible how similar everyone's stories are! I am in the process of leaving my AH and I have two young kids with him. He has been a drinker for years and I didn't realize how serious it was until two years ago. He has been in rehab and "playing" at recovery since October too! He has gone to tons of meetings until this, when he told me he decided he doesn't like a lot of the meetings anymore because "no one wants to hear his complaining" that was his direct quote! It took him months to get a sponsor, and finally he just picked one that his buddy had. He also claims his job triggers him too, which is a ton of nonsense. Everything triggers him. Ugh, I feel your pain, girl. It will all work out though. It really will...I like the idea of you going to Al-Anon meetings! I am attending some too.
Last edited by Ladybug0130; 02-17-2011 at 05:26 AM. Reason: wrong emoticon
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Originally Posted by nodaybut2day 
Hi Florence (I just caught myself wanting to call you "Flo"...sorry!), how are you doing today??
Honestly, I'm relieved to be proactive about this and to get some levity from other... survivors? veterans? seasoned professionals?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
Originally Posted by Cyranoak
...his job didn't trigger him. he's an alcoholic. alcoholism triggers him. when they blame it on work, spouses, stress, elections, holidays, failures, successes, friends, and 1,000,000 other reasons it's complete ********.
I've heard that folks in the restaurant industry have a hard time getting clean because of the culture of drugs and alcohol that (often) runs rampant. I've also heard it said that people get attached to these kinds of jobs because the drinking/drugging culture just so happens to fit their drinking/drugging lifestyle, so hey.
Lord Have Mercy
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Upper Midwest
Posts: 242
Welcome! Thank you for sharing your story. There are tons of us here, who have dealt with alcoholic spouses and every form of mayhem that accompanies it.
I fell in love with my AW over a tequila bottle. We were in our mid-20's. It was normal socializing as far as I could tell, but then she drank more and more, until a DWI and siezure 8 years into our marriage. Now 8 years later, we are filed for divorce.
I'm sorry for your circumstances and I really do think that any situation can get better. Hang in there.
I fell in love with my AW over a tequila bottle. We were in our mid-20's. It was normal socializing as far as I could tell, but then she drank more and more, until a DWI and siezure 8 years into our marriage. Now 8 years later, we are filed for divorce.
I'm sorry for your circumstances and I really do think that any situation can get better. Hang in there.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Understood...
I was in restaurants for 13 years, and I agree that it isn't the easiest industry to work in while you are trying to find recovery. I also agree it was a magnet for people who love the lifestyle or are alcoholic/addicts.
Booze and Coke ran freely, sex was just as easy to find, and my years in restaurants are why I know I'm not an alcoholic/addict. If so, I'd be on the other forum right now (I hope).
Alcoholics I know are all over the place on this issue, so it seems to me it's a very individual experience. A buddy of mine can't even look at a bar without wanting a drink. That said, I've often heard from alcoholics that after a few years of recovery being around alcohol was easy and, if not, it's a sign something is going wrong with how they are working their program or practicing the principles.
As always in recovery, ultimately we all need to do whatever it is we need to do for ourselves. If not, we cannot be present for others.
Cyranoak
Booze and Coke ran freely, sex was just as easy to find, and my years in restaurants are why I know I'm not an alcoholic/addict. If so, I'd be on the other forum right now (I hope).
Alcoholics I know are all over the place on this issue, so it seems to me it's a very individual experience. A buddy of mine can't even look at a bar without wanting a drink. That said, I've often heard from alcoholics that after a few years of recovery being around alcohol was easy and, if not, it's a sign something is going wrong with how they are working their program or practicing the principles.
As always in recovery, ultimately we all need to do whatever it is we need to do for ourselves. If not, we cannot be present for others.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by Florence
Yeah, it sounds like a big excuse, but he was a chef in a fine dining restaurant and was expected to cook with, serve, and be around wine and hard liquor on an hourly basis. Quitting this job was a must.
I've heard that folks in the restaurant industry have a hard time getting clean because of the culture of drugs and alcohol that (often) runs rampant. I've also heard it said that people get attached to these kinds of jobs because the drinking/drugging culture just so happens to fit their drinking/drugging lifestyle, so hey.
I've heard that folks in the restaurant industry have a hard time getting clean because of the culture of drugs and alcohol that (often) runs rampant. I've also heard it said that people get attached to these kinds of jobs because the drinking/drugging culture just so happens to fit their drinking/drugging lifestyle, so hey.
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