Can some one please offer me a different perspective??

Old 02-15-2011, 02:50 PM
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Location: Philadelphia
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Can some one please offer me a different perspective??

Just a brief recap of my situation. I had been with my exabf for almost 3 years. He had been clean all of 2010 until he relapsed in Nov. When this happened I made him leave. Exactly one week later I found out I was pregnant. He was supposidly so happy to have a second chance at being a father as he wasnt really there for his son when he was growing up and promised me he was going to be there for me and I was not in this alone. I also have 4 children from a previous relationship that absolutely adore him. They have pretty much been sheilded from his addiction and I have made up more excuses for him then even I can keep track of.

Ever since the relapse things have been going downhill FAST. He lost his job in the middle of January and has been staying at a shelter. I was so determined to "support" him and be there for him and make this work. There is nothing more I hated then the thought of having another child to raise alone. I just KNEW if I said and did the "right" things everything would be ok. After all this meant so much to him and he would NEVER leave me to deal with this alone.

Well after 2 and 1/2 months of empty promises and more stress and hurt then I even care to describe I have finally cut him off completely. In the past 2 weeks I have only contacted him once regaurding his tax return. I have ignored all his attempts to contact me. When they mailed the refund card to my house I even had my brother take it to him so I didn't have to see or speak to him.

Even though I honestly have 110% more peace in my life since not dealing with him I am still struggling with the fact he could treat me like this while pregnant with a child that he claims meant so much to him. I find myself getting furious that he can just run the streets drinking/getting high while I have to figure out how to manage and deal with everything. I know i shouldn't even be surprised. I wanted to send him a text so bad that said "Gee you haven't tried to contact me since you got your refund, guess you were too busy buying things for the baby...hahaha, yeah right." I didnt though as I am serious about not having ANY contact. It just makes me so mad that the one thing he could've done to help with this baby and he wasted it all on alcohol/drugs.

Sorry this is so long, I guess my question is can anyone say they were in a similar situation and were GLAD they went no contact despite being pregnant or having children? Or can anyone say they WISH they went no contact sooner because it was harder to stay and put up with their ABF/AH and all their BS? I just really need a different perspective. I want so much to be happy and proud that I am not accepting the unacceptable anymore, but I find myself stuck in the thoughts of "how could he treat me like this?" or "how could he care so little about me and this baby?". I am even having a hard time enjoying the pregnancy because of the circumstances I find myself in

I should also mention that after the relapse in November, I was MORE than finished with him but only gave him another chance because I found out I was pregnant and some how I actually thought that would matter to him. I am also in counseling and Alanon to try and deal with these feelings. Thanks for reading if you made it this far. You guys are the best here, I read a lot more then I post and this board has literally been a life saver to me. There were times I wanted to contact him but instead came here to read to remind myself why I shouldn't. Thanks again for allthe support/advice offered here.
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:15 PM
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This is tough enough without having hormones playing into it!

I believe you decided to put an end to things for very good reasons..and the fact that he is not doing what he said and should certainly only strengthens them.
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:40 PM
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Well, look at the kind of contact you're tempted to have with him--sarcastic text messages about how badly he's treating you. Would those get him to see the light? Would they really make you feel better in the long run? Would they help you to cope with your situation?

It IS rotten that you are having to go through this alone. But the only thing worse would be going through it with an active alcoholic/addict.

I'm with Live--you made the right decision for the right reasons.
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:43 PM
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I hope you reach out to good support groups, whether alanon, friends, family, anyone who might make your life easier while you have 4 at home and another on the way. Try not to stress yourself. You're taking care of 5!
Let the other one that needs on his own to take care of himself find his rock bottom. He's beyond your help. But the 5 of you aren't, so keep your priorities straight--you seem to be doing just that.
Congrats on another little one on the way. I only had one but wanted more. Maybe I can borrow a few of yours from time to time!
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Old 02-15-2011, 03:59 PM
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Thanks everyone. Lexi, I guess i never really thought about the only thing that could be worse then how I feel about this is having to deal with his rollercoaster ride EVERY day. And you would think I should know that from experience. That definitely helped put it in perspective.

Brokenheartfool, I am thankfully very blessed to have great support from family and friends who are excied about this baby and very supportive with my other children. I also am fortunate to not have to dependon him at all financially. Please feel free to borrow any of them whenever you'd like. They range from 3-11, 3 boys and 1 girl, so take your pick
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Old 02-15-2011, 04:15 PM
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millions of men are part time dads. He'll do just fine. You've made your decision. No reason to second guess it.

Put yourself and your baby first. In time, the three of you will find a balance that works for you. This might even be the catalyst for real change within him. Maybe. Well, there's a chance.

Move on to the next chapter of your life. The adventure begins. I can not tell you how wonderful having kids has been for me.

good luck.
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