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Today I accepted the first step!

Old 02-12-2011, 04:53 PM
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Smile Today I accepted the first step!

Last night I had a horrible conversation with the RAH (and I can't help but wonder if I should go back to 'AH' because he sounded like he might be drinking again). It was HORRID and cruel. I really didn't - couldn't - say much because he shouted me down, interrupted me, called me names, just really read me up one side and down the other. He even said I need to "stop acting like his sponsor" and "monitoring his sobriety" - which were completely out of context to anything I had said anyway. *SIGH* Same old craziness, same old white hot anger, same old blame, same old hatred, wash, rinse, repeat.

I cried when I got off the phone; it really hurt a lot to hear those words again. But then I did something I've not done in a very, very long time. I got down on my knees, with one arm around my old dog, and prayed to God to please, please give me the strength to STAY AWAY from this toxic man. I said to over and over and finally crawled into bed and went to sleep.This morning I woke up, signed on to SR and found the thread about letting go of those not in recovery and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Ok, God, I see the sign here. It is time to move on. I want to cross that bridge - I can see the light on the other side and I want to be there now. It's time.

I pulled out my Al-Anon materials, and realized I have finally, truly, internalized the first step. I am powerless over alcohol. Powerless. And then I went to a meeting. I said all of this out loud there. I found another meeting for tomorrow, and another on Monday, and so on. I came home and announced this to my Mom. I know now I need a sponsor and I need to work the steps. Today I finally feel ready. I feel scared and sad, but strangely exhilarated - I think its called "hope" - for what my new future holds.

Thanks to all of you here for, well, just being here. Many of you are on the other side of that bridge and are cheering the rest of us on. Thanks for your courage to get there and your willingness to extend a hand to the rest of us still unsteadily trying to step toward the light.

Just had to say this out loud, again, that I am finally, finally finding my path back to living again. For real, this time. Today is a good day.
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Old 02-12-2011, 05:14 PM
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Sounds like you are heading in the right direction! Prayer really helps me too. One day when I was struggling as to what do with our marriage, I prayed then opened my Bible to any old section. It opened to a section on Saul, and I thought great, this is just about battle, it doesn't fit my situation. Then I read it. It was about Saul's son Jonathon deliberatley disobeying an oath because it didn't make sense for his or his army's welfare......I took this to mean that sometimes oaths need to be broken in order to save someone. I was struggling with whether or not it was OK to break my marriage vows and this helped to give me a different perspective. God does not want us to suffer.
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Old 02-12-2011, 05:57 PM
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Way to go Tuffgirl! I am very excited for you. This is such great news. Thank you for sharing!
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Old 02-12-2011, 06:45 PM
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Woooohoooo!!! So glad for you
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Old 02-12-2011, 07:38 PM
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I am happy for you TG.

I pray to my HP (God for me) everyday and I don't even try to tell myself what I need, I ask God to guide me or give me the words and almost everytime something happens that shows me God is with me.

Was going to Al-anon for several months now and was worried that I didn't have a sponsor. Mentioned it a few times at meetings and nothing came of it. Then I stopped worrying about it and put it in God's hands. Next week I went to a new meeting, started talking with some folks and next thing I know this woman offers her phone number for me to call her if I need to. Even during the talking with her, she said so many things that I was just thinking about that very morning.

Several months ago I felt God was telling me to stop working on relationship with AH. I kept telling AH that my HP was telling me this and kept going through what you described. This was me not listening to what my HP had clearly told me - I did really feel like I heard those words but I was still trying to control and I was still seeking confirmation from my AH. Finally I let go and let God - I don't have thoses conversations with AH outside of counseling - they just make me feel so bad. I always feel good after counseling session even though no specific outcomes.

I am doing so much better and I am working on other areas of my life. I pray to God sometimes to give me the words to speak with my kids and to restore some of the ways our family has fallen apart and it's really working. They sometimes resist my attempts but they are much more peaceful and interactive with me than in the past when I was focused on AH.
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Old 02-12-2011, 08:31 PM
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Awesome, Tuffgirl!
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Old 02-12-2011, 09:08 PM
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Congratulations Tuffgirl!!!! I am so glad to read about the start of your new life. You deserve peace. And so much more!!
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Old 02-12-2011, 09:17 PM
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Thanks, all. I know its not going to be an easy road, but just for today (or what's left of it) I am going to enjoy the feeling.

I still don't really understand God or a Higher Power but that's ok. Me and my old dog did good last night. We'll try it again tonight, and the next, and the next. Because whatever happened last night worked. And I am not sure I care why; just that it did.
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Old 02-12-2011, 09:51 PM
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Now THAT was a real upper of a post.

Keep comin' back
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