Tuffgirl

Last night I had a horrible conversation with the RAH (and I can't help but wonder if I should go back to 'AH' because he sounded like he might be drinking again). It was HORRID and cruel. I really didn't - couldn't - say much because he shouted me down, interrupted me, called me names, just really read me up one side and down the other. He even said I need to "stop acting like his sponsor" and "monitoring his sobriety" - which were completely out of context to anything I had said anyway. *SIGH* Same old craziness, same old white hot anger, same old blame, same old hatred, wash, rinse, repeat.

I cried when I got off the phone; it really hurt a lot to hear those words again. But then I did something I've not done in a very, very long time. I got down on my knees, with one arm around my old dog, and prayed to God to please, please give me the strength to STAY AWAY from this toxic man. I said to over and over and finally crawled into bed and went to sleep.This morning I woke up, signed on to SR and found the thread about letting go of those not in recovery and it just hit me like a ton of bricks. Ok, God, I see the sign here. It is time to move on. I want to cross that bridge - I can see the light on the other side and I want to be there now. It's time.

I pulled out my Al-Anon materials, and realized I have finally, truly, internalized the first step. I am powerless over alcohol. Powerless. And then I went to a meeting. I said all of this out loud there. I found another meeting for tomorrow, and another on Monday, and so on. I came home and announced this to my Mom. I know now I need a sponsor and I need to work the steps. Today I finally feel ready. I feel scared and sad, but strangely exhilarated - I think its called "hope" - for what my new future holds.

Thanks to all of you here for, well, just being here. Many of you are on the other side of that bridge and are cheering the rest of us on. Thanks for your courage to get there and your willingness to extend a hand to the rest of us still unsteadily trying to step toward the light.

Just had to say this out loud, again, that I am finally, finally finding my path back to living again. For real, this time. Today is a good day.