New poster, looking for support/thoughts/etc...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 50
New poster, looking for support/thoughts/etc...
Hi all,
I have been reading this forum for several months now, and finally feel ready (or have finally reached a point where I'm ready) to post.
I have been with my ABF for a year. He started drinking socially around 14, heavily/regularly a few years ago, and we are both 29 now. Since we have been together, he has managed to give up addictions to vicodin, another opiate, and sleeping pills (clean six months!). Don't mention that to say that I influenced it, but just that he has a good record of getting himself out of trouble.
I love him so much, and can't help but think he is the love of my life. He is never a mean drunk. When he's drunk, he tells me he loves me and he's sorry to put me through this, he falls asleep, or he cries about his lost friends, his depression, and his fear that he will never get better.
We have talked openly over the last year about his drinking. As his only friend that doesn't drink, I am the first person to ever see that he has a problem. Over the last year, he has admitted that he is an alcoholic, wants to stop drinking, and has made several attempts to quit/cut down, but he ends up back at 6-12 beers a night.
Last week scared me. He called me and told me he was "sick of drinking" and decided to go to an AA meeting. I was proud and excited. I went to his house afterwards, and found him barely able to stand. I told him I was pissed and didn't understand, and left. We didn't talk for a couple of days, and when we did, he told me he went to another meeting after I left. He got the Book, and read it the next day. He called his dad and told him about the drinking, and going to AA. (MAking amends: good!) He said AA was too cultish, and he was creeped out by it, and he could do it on his own. But over the next few days, his physical withdrawls were so scary: "the shakes" anxiety, nausea, vomiting, being miserable. So he self-medicated with beer. I cried and told him I couldn't watch him kill himself. We decided that we needed space and haven't seen each other since. We talked after a week, and he said his cutting down is going well. I told him that I can't see him right now because it will be too hard for me.
The truth is, I am scared of another effort to "cut down" failing, and my heart breaking again. I don't know what to do because I want to support him, but I don't want to "enable" him. I know that I can't control or change his drinking. After last week, with such serious withdrawls, I am convinced that he can never drink "normally" again. He thinks he can. I don't want to leave him, but I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry that was so long and rambling. I guess I don't know what to do or say. It really seems like he is at that critical point where he's ready to quit, and I don't want to abandon him, but I also can't keep doing this forever
I have been reading this forum for several months now, and finally feel ready (or have finally reached a point where I'm ready) to post.
I have been with my ABF for a year. He started drinking socially around 14, heavily/regularly a few years ago, and we are both 29 now. Since we have been together, he has managed to give up addictions to vicodin, another opiate, and sleeping pills (clean six months!). Don't mention that to say that I influenced it, but just that he has a good record of getting himself out of trouble.
I love him so much, and can't help but think he is the love of my life. He is never a mean drunk. When he's drunk, he tells me he loves me and he's sorry to put me through this, he falls asleep, or he cries about his lost friends, his depression, and his fear that he will never get better.
We have talked openly over the last year about his drinking. As his only friend that doesn't drink, I am the first person to ever see that he has a problem. Over the last year, he has admitted that he is an alcoholic, wants to stop drinking, and has made several attempts to quit/cut down, but he ends up back at 6-12 beers a night.
Last week scared me. He called me and told me he was "sick of drinking" and decided to go to an AA meeting. I was proud and excited. I went to his house afterwards, and found him barely able to stand. I told him I was pissed and didn't understand, and left. We didn't talk for a couple of days, and when we did, he told me he went to another meeting after I left. He got the Book, and read it the next day. He called his dad and told him about the drinking, and going to AA. (MAking amends: good!) He said AA was too cultish, and he was creeped out by it, and he could do it on his own. But over the next few days, his physical withdrawls were so scary: "the shakes" anxiety, nausea, vomiting, being miserable. So he self-medicated with beer. I cried and told him I couldn't watch him kill himself. We decided that we needed space and haven't seen each other since. We talked after a week, and he said his cutting down is going well. I told him that I can't see him right now because it will be too hard for me.
The truth is, I am scared of another effort to "cut down" failing, and my heart breaking again. I don't know what to do because I want to support him, but I don't want to "enable" him. I know that I can't control or change his drinking. After last week, with such serious withdrawls, I am convinced that he can never drink "normally" again. He thinks he can. I don't want to leave him, but I don't know what to do.
I'm sorry that was so long and rambling. I guess I don't know what to do or say. It really seems like he is at that critical point where he's ready to quit, and I don't want to abandon him, but I also can't keep doing this forever
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Welcome to the forum, CC....
I"m glad you decided to post!
LIsten -
as an acloholic
I have to be sure you understand
that 'cold turkey' can be deadly
to someone addicted to alcohol.
IMO, just from what I've read
your bf should have medical supervision
if he's going to quit.
He's reached that stage.
The symptoms you described
actually made me relieved to read
that he'd gone back and had a drink.
Sudden exclusion from alcohol
can cause heart failure, convulsions
and permanent brain injury.
That's why it's vital that a doctor be involved
when the alcoholism reaches that stage.
Please go over to the alcoholism forum
and read the 'under the influence' sticky over there.
It'll give you a better understanding
of what is going on physically with your bf.
Whether he 'chooses' AA or something else isn't the point at this moment.
The point right here and now is
he's proven he's not going to be able to do this alone.
AA scares every alcoholic
because it is all about change.
Every single alcoholic I've known
did not come to AA
because things were going well.
And not a one of them
sat in those chairs
without first trying to think themselves out of it
by pretending they 'weren't like those people'.
When in fact
it was the similarity
that scared them so badly.
I'm glad you're here
I hope you'll continue to post and read
make some new friends
who have 'been there done that'
on both sides of the fence...
...or bar...
and who can understand from the inside out
what you're feeling and going through.
I"m glad you decided to post!
LIsten -
as an acloholic
I have to be sure you understand
that 'cold turkey' can be deadly
to someone addicted to alcohol.
IMO, just from what I've read
your bf should have medical supervision
if he's going to quit.
He's reached that stage.
The symptoms you described
actually made me relieved to read
that he'd gone back and had a drink.
Sudden exclusion from alcohol
can cause heart failure, convulsions
and permanent brain injury.
That's why it's vital that a doctor be involved
when the alcoholism reaches that stage.
Please go over to the alcoholism forum
and read the 'under the influence' sticky over there.
It'll give you a better understanding
of what is going on physically with your bf.
Whether he 'chooses' AA or something else isn't the point at this moment.
The point right here and now is
he's proven he's not going to be able to do this alone.
AA scares every alcoholic
because it is all about change.
Every single alcoholic I've known
did not come to AA
because things were going well.
And not a one of them
sat in those chairs
without first trying to think themselves out of it
by pretending they 'weren't like those people'.
When in fact
it was the similarity
that scared them so badly.
I'm glad you're here
I hope you'll continue to post and read
make some new friends
who have 'been there done that'
on both sides of the fence...
...or bar...
and who can understand from the inside out
what you're feeling and going through.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 50
Thanks very much, Barb. Over the past week, he has been dealing with his withdrawls by drinking. I told him he should do this under medical supervision, but now he is saying he is just focused on not drinking like an alcoholic. (Whatever that means...do'nt think it's a possibility for him anymore).
You are so right about the AA thing striking a chord because he doesn't want to see the similarities, or they are too scary for him. I am hoping that he does go back, soon, because I don't know how much longer I can hang on for him, and am so scared of that last straw breaking...
You are so right about the AA thing striking a chord because he doesn't want to see the similarities, or they are too scary for him. I am hoping that he does go back, soon, because I don't know how much longer I can hang on for him, and am so scared of that last straw breaking...
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
WHat you're describing
(the 'hang on for him' thing)
is what *I* think
is the magentism
between a codie and an alcoholic.
An alcoholic needs someone to see them suffer.
A codie...needs to be needed.
Put them together
and you get that dark magnetic fire.
We have learned that to come together
as 'likes of the same kind'
helps us to step out of that magnetic circle
and into beauty.
That 'magentism' is also a deadly illusion.
The codie drains away to nothing
trying to be the life force for two
and the alcohlic drinks themselves away
unfettered by the responsibility
of destroying two lives.
And neither can stop
without outside help.
So what all that verbage that I probably ought to erase is trying to say is:
you can't hold on 'for him'
you never could.
and you never did.
that's the illusion.
Thing is -
what's replenishing you in the meantime?
Posting here and making new friends
helps tremendously.
I'm so very glad you started posting!
It saved me... it can do the same for you.
(the 'hang on for him' thing)
is what *I* think
is the magentism
between a codie and an alcoholic.
An alcoholic needs someone to see them suffer.
A codie...needs to be needed.
Put them together
and you get that dark magnetic fire.
We have learned that to come together
as 'likes of the same kind'
helps us to step out of that magnetic circle
and into beauty.
That 'magentism' is also a deadly illusion.
The codie drains away to nothing
trying to be the life force for two
and the alcohlic drinks themselves away
unfettered by the responsibility
of destroying two lives.
And neither can stop
without outside help.
So what all that verbage that I probably ought to erase is trying to say is:
you can't hold on 'for him'
you never could.
and you never did.
that's the illusion.
Thing is -
what's replenishing you in the meantime?
Posting here and making new friends
helps tremendously.
I'm so very glad you started posting!
It saved me... it can do the same for you.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
An alcoholic needs someone to see them suffer.
A codie...needs to be needed.
Put them together
and you get that dark magnetic fire.
We have learned that to come together
as 'likes of the same kind'
helps us to step out of that magnetic circle
and into beauty.
That 'magentism' is also a deadly illusion.
The codie drains away to nothing
trying to be the life force for two
and the alcohlic drinks themselves away
unfettered by the responsibility
of destroying two lives.
And neither can stop
without outside help.
So what all that verbage that I probably ought to erase is trying to say is:
you can't hold on 'for him'
you never could.
and you never did.
that's the illusion.
A codie...needs to be needed.
Put them together
and you get that dark magnetic fire.
We have learned that to come together
as 'likes of the same kind'
helps us to step out of that magnetic circle
and into beauty.
That 'magentism' is also a deadly illusion.
The codie drains away to nothing
trying to be the life force for two
and the alcohlic drinks themselves away
unfettered by the responsibility
of destroying two lives.
And neither can stop
without outside help.
So what all that verbage that I probably ought to erase is trying to say is:
you can't hold on 'for him'
you never could.
and you never did.
that's the illusion.
Love your post! Thanks!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi, and welcome!
FWIW, my first husband started off almost exactly like your boyfriend. He went to one meeting, decided he wanted to try to do it on his own, and after some more disappointments and taking a break from the relationship for a bit, he went back to AA on his own, quit drinking almost immediately, and has not picked up a drink in the past 31 years.
My point being, there is hope. My suggestion for you is that you learn all you can about alcoholism (lots of good info on this site), try some Al-Anon meetings, and maybe even go check out a couple of AA meetings on your own. It sounds as if he is making some moves in the right direction, but it may take awhile for him to get there. Of course, some alcoholics never do.
Meantime, you need to be taking care of YOURSELF, which is the only person you can really change.
FWIW, my first husband started off almost exactly like your boyfriend. He went to one meeting, decided he wanted to try to do it on his own, and after some more disappointments and taking a break from the relationship for a bit, he went back to AA on his own, quit drinking almost immediately, and has not picked up a drink in the past 31 years.
My point being, there is hope. My suggestion for you is that you learn all you can about alcoholism (lots of good info on this site), try some Al-Anon meetings, and maybe even go check out a couple of AA meetings on your own. It sounds as if he is making some moves in the right direction, but it may take awhile for him to get there. Of course, some alcoholics never do.
Meantime, you need to be taking care of YOURSELF, which is the only person you can really change.
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