Would you tell?
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Join Date: Oct 2009
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Would you tell?
My AH has been trying to be on his best behavior, especially in front of our son. We are most likely getting a divorce sometime this year, so he is in Super Dad mode - trying to do fun things with our son and making sure he takes pictures when they do. I'm guessing he has been coached by a lawyer.
He's been puffing his chest about how he's doing controlled drinking and drinking SO MUCH LESS.
Well, I found the hiding spot for his beer in the bedroom (we're sleeping in separate rooms).
I'm certainly not going to tell AH I found it.
Do I tell my son? My son is very aware that AH is a drunk. We talk a lot and we have been to a counselor together.
I read where you shouldn't pull your son around when going through a divorce - but should he be made aware of this? He's 14.
He's been puffing his chest about how he's doing controlled drinking and drinking SO MUCH LESS.
Well, I found the hiding spot for his beer in the bedroom (we're sleeping in separate rooms).
I'm certainly not going to tell AH I found it.
Do I tell my son? My son is very aware that AH is a drunk. We talk a lot and we have been to a counselor together.
I read where you shouldn't pull your son around when going through a divorce - but should he be made aware of this? He's 14.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Tell your son that you found a stash?
He (your son) knows AH drinks and has a problem. I suppose I would ask myself.. 'what would be the point, what purpose would it serve'.. answer myself honestly and if it is for any other reason than my child's well-being and safety.. then probably not.
As always.. take what you need and leave the rest.
Tx
He (your son) knows AH drinks and has a problem. I suppose I would ask myself.. 'what would be the point, what purpose would it serve'.. answer myself honestly and if it is for any other reason than my child's well-being and safety.. then probably not.
As always.. take what you need and leave the rest.
Tx
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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No. Leave your son out of it. Do not use a 14 year old to get validation of YOUR feelings and YOUR reality. Let him enjoy his time with, and the attention he is getting, from his Dad. Share in AlAnon, don't dump on your kid.
Thanks for sharing. Thanks for asking.
Thanks for sharing. Thanks for asking.
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Join Date: Oct 2005
Posts: 409
I don't understand what you are trying to accomplish by telling your son? Getting him on "your side"?
It seems a selfish and hurtful thing to do.
Please keep him out of it. He is 14, not 40.
As a point of reference, before my parents split up they put me in the middle of everything confiding in me and bad-mouthing the other. I hated it. I was about 12/13.
I am 42 and still remember that crap that they pulled. It didn't win any respect for either of them from me.
As always, just my two-cents worth.
It seems a selfish and hurtful thing to do.
Please keep him out of it. He is 14, not 40.
As a point of reference, before my parents split up they put me in the middle of everything confiding in me and bad-mouthing the other. I hated it. I was about 12/13.
I am 42 and still remember that crap that they pulled. It didn't win any respect for either of them from me.
As always, just my two-cents worth.
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I agree. Your son doesn't need to be privy to the details. If, at some point in the future, he demands to know why you are still accusing dad of being a drunk (something dad is likely to tell him at some point--blaming you for wrongfully accusing him), you can simply say that you happen to know he is still drinking, and leave it at that.
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Thanks for the responses. I need outside support and sincerely reached out for it - thanks for being here. I won't do it. Please don't call me selfish and accuse me of being hurtful - I don't think that's fair. What went on in my mind is custody. I hesitate to leave my son at home with my AH in the evenings - the thought of leaving him alone with STBXAH for weekends at a time makes my hair stand on end.
AH is making it look like he's not drinking - in hopes of more time with our son and less child support paid to me.
It's difficult.
AH is making it look like he's not drinking - in hopes of more time with our son and less child support paid to me.
It's difficult.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
*hugs*
You didn't do it, you came here first for some opinion. So kudos for that huh?
If it's future custody issues etc which are concerning you.. make a note of what you found, where you found it and when you found it. Tuck it away for any future rainy day and carry on with having a great Saturday
You didn't do it, you came here first for some opinion. So kudos for that huh?
If it's future custody issues etc which are concerning you.. make a note of what you found, where you found it and when you found it. Tuck it away for any future rainy day and carry on with having a great Saturday
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Join Date: Oct 2005
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Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin 
Thanks for the responses. I need outside support and sincerely reached out for it - thanks for being here. I won't do it. Please don't call me selfish and accuse me of being hurtful - I don't think that's fair. What went on in my mind is custody. I hesitate to leave my son at home with my AH in the evenings - the thought of leaving him alone with STBXAH for weekends at a time makes my hair stand on end.
AH is making it look like he's not drinking - in hopes of more time with our son and less child support paid to me.
It's difficult.
AH is making it look like he's not drinking - in hopes of more time with our son and less child support paid to me.
It's difficult.
Without the more detailed explanation of where you were coming from with this, I was left to infer whatever it was from MY own past experiences /environment.
I do see your concern here, but my advice, (and again just my two cents worth) would be to discuss this with a lawyer...he is better equipped to advise you of the importance of letting the judge know (where the judge will be more informed and able to make a better decision regarding visitation etc...) and also you will have a documented proof (lawyers notes ) that he was still drinking or lat least keeping a stash on such and such a date.
Sorry if I came off wrong to you, I just know that what my parents did to me by telling me stuff that no teenager should have had to hear, screwed me up for a long time.
If I were you I would discuss with my attorney first, then depending on his advice, discuss with STBEXAH and tell him that if he is continuing to drink there will be only supervised visits or whatever......that you found his stash and "normal" drinkers don't see the need to keep a "stash". That there is to be NO drinking whatsoever around your son. Any judge would agree with that.
To thine own self be true.
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(((hugs))) Whereisthisgoin
IMO your feelings behind all this are completely understandable. And yes, being judged for your feelings would not help. But please note that
was about the behavior, not you. So I don't think tuffenuff meant it that way. I personally am not judging you and don't want you to think that we feel that way about you.
For me, this kind of situation warrants that I look within and find what I am trying to control, and what I truly need. I struggle with this very often in a situation at work where a person who I had to work with just comes across to me as a very toxic person who hates me and who attacks me and is just a nasty a$$hole toward me. THAT was my reality, the way I see and understand the relationship I had with this other person. And when I see other people who are my peers, I want to tell them over and over how that person is, how she acts. I want to tell them the TRUTH about her. Which I have done a milliion times to a million different people. But in the end, it does not validate me. It does not make the situation better. All it does is make ME toxic to THEM.
IMO your feelings behind all this are completely understandable. And yes, being judged for your feelings would not help. But please note that
It seems a selfish and hurtful thing to do.
For me, this kind of situation warrants that I look within and find what I am trying to control, and what I truly need. I struggle with this very often in a situation at work where a person who I had to work with just comes across to me as a very toxic person who hates me and who attacks me and is just a nasty a$$hole toward me. THAT was my reality, the way I see and understand the relationship I had with this other person. And when I see other people who are my peers, I want to tell them over and over how that person is, how she acts. I want to tell them the TRUTH about her. Which I have done a milliion times to a million different people. But in the end, it does not validate me. It does not make the situation better. All it does is make ME toxic to THEM.
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Thanks, guys. I totally own that I am a raw nerve on this stuff today. My folks stayed married and neither of them were alcoholics - so my first and only experience with alcoholism and divorce with a child involved is happening real time to me in my 18 year marriage and my family with my teenage son.
To thine own self be true.
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Wait. I missed this part the first time I read your post:
How do you know these are his motivations? That this is what he is doing? Did he TELL you this? Has anyone even filed divorce papers yet? Or are you just assuming you know what he is thinking and doing based on your desire to get a divorce?
AH is making it look like he's not drinking - in hopes of more time with our son and less child support paid to me.
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Wait. I missed this part the first time I read your post:
How do you know these are his motivations? That this is what he is doing? Did he TELL you this? Has anyone even filed divorce papers yet? Or are you just assuming you know what he is thinking and doing based on your desire to get a divorce?
How do you know these are his motivations? That this is what he is doing? Did he TELL you this? Has anyone even filed divorce papers yet? Or are you just assuming you know what he is thinking and doing based on your desire to get a divorce?
My AH and I are at a crossroads after a really bad year and a particularly hellish December. We are discussing our options. He's adamant that he's doing controlled drinking and can't understand WHY I'm still in the guest room. I'm trying to put on my big girl pants and continually tell him that controlled drinking isn't working for him or for me and that he needs rehab.
No one has filed papers. We are hoping to be able to do the work ourselves when / if we go that route. Our state is 50-50, so much of it is "easy" to decide. Where we will need a lawyer will be on the issue of child custody and support.
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Is your son 14? If so, you don't have to tell him a thing. He probably knows and sees more than you realize. Let him have his relationship with his father. He'll figure it out.
When my son was 14, he was begging me to leave his father. He saw tendencies I didn't. So I don't think you need to tell him a thing.
Also, if he's that old, don't worry about custody. I think most states take kids' own wishes into consideration when they're that age. My 11-year-old's wishes mean jack in court, unfortunately, but my older boy got to choose.
I know there's a lot of scary stuff involved, but the last thing you want to do is draw your child into the mess. I'm saying not as criticism, but out of concern. Courts will look unfavorably on a parent who involves a child in a divorce. That was the second warning my attorney gave me.
When my son was 14, he was begging me to leave his father. He saw tendencies I didn't. So I don't think you need to tell him a thing.
Also, if he's that old, don't worry about custody. I think most states take kids' own wishes into consideration when they're that age. My 11-year-old's wishes mean jack in court, unfortunately, but my older boy got to choose.
I know there's a lot of scary stuff involved, but the last thing you want to do is draw your child into the mess. I'm saying not as criticism, but out of concern. Courts will look unfavorably on a parent who involves a child in a divorce. That was the second warning my attorney gave me.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
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Originally Posted by whereisthisgoin
I know for a fact from a mutual friend that my AH has talked to a lawyer... No one has filed papers.
My AH and I are at a crossroads after a really bad year and a particularly hellish December. We are discussing our options. He's adamant that he's doing controlled drinking and can't understand WHY I'm still in the guest room. I'm trying to put on my big girl pants and continually tell him that controlled drinking isn't working for him or for me and that he needs rehab.
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