coyote21

Thanks so much Chicory. The reason I always post about it on here is to get some feed back, because I'm always second guessing myself. I'm "flying by the seat of my pants" here.

I guess we never really know if we're doing "O.K." till they go to prison or land a dream job. Then it's still not on us, but I always forget that part.

Right now she's sitting on the couch writing a letter, getting ALL HER MAD out, I even told her she can use ANY BAD words she wants, I don't have to read it if she doesn't want me to, and later after dinner when it's dark, we're gonna go out into the court yard and burn it.

She's REALLY getting into this and seems over joyed to GET IT OUT. Or maybe she's just a junior pyro like her dad was at her age. IDK. But really, thank you to who ever suggested this "exorcise". I can't remember, but you know who you are.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

wicked

Sigh......
Yes, my daughter is very smart too. But, yeah, dream job or prison. LOL

Excellent 'excorcise'. (My brothers liked to burn things too.)

Beth

Thumper

I might try the write it out idea.

I have often joked that my 9yo will either be the leader of the free world or of cell block C....just depends on how good a job I do

Because of course, I have THE POWER don't ya know - hahahahahaHA.

LexieCat

Heh, I always said if my kids wound up reasonably happy, not on welfare, and not in jail, I'd feel I had succeeded as a parent.

Of course, good parents can wind up with kids who are unhappy, on welfare, and/or in jail, and bad parents can have stellar kids. *shrug*

All we can do is the best we can do at any given moment, in any given situation. I wish I'd been a better mom to my kids back in my drinking days, but I was too selfish to do that. I wasn't horrible, but I wasn't really THERE for them like I should have been. Still, it was the best I could do given where my head was at, at that time. I know better, now, and I have amends to make. Thankfully, they love me and often tell me I'm the best mom in the world. To them, I guess I am.

Thanks for sharing with us, Coyote. Someday you should write a book on parenting. I think you do an excellent job of "winging it" and asking advice when you need it. Every kid is different, too. They react to the same things in different ways. So much of this parenting stuff is trial and error. Fortunately, humans are pretty resilient in a lot of ways.

wicked

Yep, mine tell me that too. I want to believe that. Yes, to them, I am.

Beth

coyote21

I was just reading about your boy on Lillamy's thread. LMC was pulling all that disrespectful stuff too, drives me CRAZY, and PISSES ME OFF. Her therapist told me a couple of years ago, if I don't get her "under control" (HA HA) by about 12, then I can forget about it. Scared me into action. BTW, they sound like fraternal twins. She is such a "not easy" child.

It finally dawned on me that she was acting like those teenagers that I want to strangle, on all those kid's channel shows, where the kids are all smarter than the adults, who are depicted as buffoons. No thanks Disney. So I started warning her, and after about a month of weekly warnings, guess who doesn't get her brain poisoned by that crap any more? My kid. Too bad.

If anyone's gonna poison her mind, that's my job, goddamit.

Also, the "BURNING of the FEELINGS", as she called it went GREAT. It was either really, really cathartic for her, or I woke up the dormant pyro' within. We'll see, I'll know if she burns us up one night.

But she's already talking about using construction paper and doing a really big "MAD DRAWING" with her markers, for next weekend. Bigger paper=bigger fire. Nice, I think.

And yea, she did read me part of it, mad at her mom for constantly mentioning about how LMC will be coming to live with her when she's 12 or 13. More "trying to manipulate a little kid" kid stuff.

I think LMC is obviously smart enough to see through that, but the "dysfunction factor" is worrisome to me. I would much rather her have my personal brand of dysfunction, you know?

Or maybe, it's good for her to be exposed to "the clan" in small doses. Maybe it'll act like a vaccination for the crazies. You know, you get little doses, not enough to kill you, then you build up an immunity. IDK.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

TakingCharge999

It was MY suggestion!! hahaha!! I get ALL the credit!! JK

Wonderful news! thanks for the inspiration...

I have resisted doing my therapy homework for weeks now, but if little LMC did get her anger out well I have to follow the example! Red book here I go... no more excuses... hey did you burn anything, coyote? perhaps it would be great to join in and burn your papers with her next time....

Well in group therapy we hold hands with each other while the papers burn and we ask God, or the Moon, or whatever to help send those feelings somewhere where it doesn't harm anybody and thank God, the Moon or whatever for taking it away from us and allowing more space for love & healing in our hearts...

I don't know perhaps it also helps LMC to realize you get angry as well and its OK (HUGE LESSON).. those rituals have helped me bond with ppl, realize we are not THAT different. Just sayin'..

I agree with the book idea, you manage very well and have sense of humor... I know many other dads would benefit...

lillamy

OMG. I needed to hear that today. I feel like an idiot for not understanding that clearly, that's what my kids probably feel like part of the time. I've never said "the law is the law" but I have said that "you have two parents who love you and we would both like for you to be with us all of the time, but since we're not together, we need to try to make it fair." And now all of a sudden (lightbulb moment), I understand what they might be feeling as far as abandonment and being forced (as perceived by me) to do something they don't want to.

Wow.

lillamy

I think that is an absolutely brilliant approach. My Middle Child always had a temper, and I once abandoned a full grocery cart because she pitched a sh**fit in the store. Put her in her car seat (didn't say a word), got in the driver's seat, and said (not yelled): "Bummer. I can see you couldn't remember right now how we need to behave when we go shopping. We can't shop now. You'll get another chance to try to remember the next time." She howled for 20 minutes straight, all the way home. But I never had an issue with her behavior in the store after that. (Other places, yes, store, no.) The child behavior book I was reading at the time (that recommended that very calm approach) said it works because you make it clear that you are not the Evil Imposing Power Handing Out Judgment -- so it feels more like a natural consequence, and one that they have the power over.

Powerlessness seems to be huge with these kids. I think I need to go hang with the children of alcoholics and gain some much needed insight there.

Just wanted to say that I think that approach, letting LMC understand that she is in control of her behavior and can basically choose if she wants these consequences or not is very much a good way to teach.... Good work, Dad.

coyote21

hey did you burn anything, coyote? perhaps it would be great to join in and burn your papers with her next time....

THAT is a brilliant idea, it never even occurred to me, been kind of focused on HER lately. Gotta put MY damned oxygen mask on first.

Next Saturday night, we're holding hands and thanking the Universe/HP for absorbing all of our anger.

Oh, and she KNOWS I get mad, where do you think she's learned ALL of her bad habits.

Thank you so much TC.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

Impurrfect

(((Coyote))) - I think you are the most awesome daddy ((LMC)) could have.

I just wanted to comment on what someone posted earlier. My dad/stepmom have raised my niece (her mom died when B was 1, dad was an A). We were court-ordered to let her visit with her "dad" and his family for a few years. By age 3, she had her own lawyer, guardian-ad-litem, and counselor. They still screwed it up.

For whatever reason, we were talking about it a couple of years ago (she was 15, then). She had always believed that we made her go, that we were trying to dump her on her "dad's" family...that we didn't care. It wasn't until she would see a car that looked like her other grandparents, and she would crouch down and literally scream "NOOOOOOOO don't make me GO!!" that the visitations were cancelled.

I told her what all we went through to try to protect her, that she was kidnapped and we had to get a judge to get her back, that our hearts literally broke, every time she went over there. She really had no clue.

I don't know how you get that across to a child. I think the idea of YOU burning your "bad stuff" along with her is a really good idea.

Unfortunately, my stepmom is the queen of codies, never disciplined B, she never faced consequences, and she is heading down the same path as her dad, at 17. Though, right now, she hates my guts, and my heart is broken, YOU have made me feel better because I know (((LMC))) has the love of you, and all of us, and she's going to be okay. I've put you on a pedestal, and I learn a lot from you. If B ever talks to me again, I think I'm going to try the "burning" thing. It's probably too late, but it can't hurt to try. In fact, I have a lot of anger, myself,about the situation, and may just do some burning tomorrow.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

Learn2Live

Hate to break the news to ya Lillamy, but you ARE hanging with the children of alcoholics.

Everybody, I think this is an awesome idea but please review the rules on fire safety and teach your kids age-appropriately about fire safety. You know they are going to repeat this and show their friends. Alternatively, you could give them really stiff paper and make this about crumpling up the paper and throwing it in order to get their anger and/or frustrations out. They usually sell trash can basketball hoops at the dollar store.

Thank you for considering any "fire sessions" as an oppprtunity to instill a healthy dose of fear in your kids related to fire.

LexieCat

Thanks for the reminder, L2L,

My older son set a "cathartic" fire (I'm sure that's how he viewed it) when he was 14 and experiencing a manic reaction to the Paxil his doctor had recently prescribed (bad doctor, bad med for an adolescent without CAREFUL monitoring). He burned down his father's house. Thankfully, no other humans were at home, but the fire killed his little brother's cat. It devastated the family and he wound up in a group home for a year.

Fire is deadly if not handled VERY carefully, and under ADULT SUPERVISION.

coyote21

We did our "Burning of the Feelings" in one of 2 barbeque pits set in concrete and provided by the apartments. They were designed to hold lots of fire, ours was fully within the range of safe.

As HP would have it we also got sent an "angel" to our Al-Anon meeting at noon, in the form of a young newcomer who approached LMC and myself after the meeting to discuss my "share". Her face was pretty disfigured by what was obviously a bad injury from fire when she was little. Funny how HP works sometimes, I'd have totally "zoned" on this gift if not for you alls concern. Thank you.

Of course LMC wanted to know what was wrong with her on our way to lunch, so that was a pretty good lesson for a kid who is very cautious anyway.

I had a dog, a mutt-let for 16 years, she was very cautious as well. I believe being cautious is a sign of higher intelligence in humans and animals. (redundant since we ARE animals, something I forget regularly)

Thanks HP, and thanks for your concern.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

LexieCat

Wow--amazing how those gifts appear when we need them.

I am constantly amazed how some of the tragedies in my life (not that my life is any more tragic than anyone else's--we all experience pain) have later helped me, or someone else.

My secretary lost her house to an electrical fire just before Christmas. I happened to still have in my wallet the card of the independent insurance adjuster who helped me so much when I had a sewer back up into my basement, COMPLETELY flooding it, on day 4 of my sobriety. It was an expensive disaster (insurance covered very little). Turns out this guy has been a HUGE help to her--she thanks me at least once a week for hooking her up with this guy. Were it not for my own little disaster, I would not have had that card in my wallet that day, when she was feeling in despair. Moreover, I didn't drink when that sewer flood happened. I can't tell you how many times just remembering that helped me keep the faith when things in sobriety got tough.

Our HP takes great care of us, when we let him/her/it.

coyote21

Wow--amazing how those gifts appear when we need them.

No kidding, in this case, BEFORE we needed it. Good to be still enough to notice them, huh?

Great story Lexicat.

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote