Is this where I say hello?
IKneedaBreak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: MI
Posts: 21
Is this where I say hello?
I've been reading here tonight for hours...I knew that I wan't alone but I was not ready for all the stories. The short version of mine;
My mother; Childish Narcisssitic Anti Social Personality Disorder
1st hubby was a party boy and a weekend binge drinker, not the greatest husband but still a good friend. I would go back with him now, after being married to a hard core drinker for 15 yrs.
Things that I know;
The 3 Cs, I don't cry anymore.
I know he would stop drinking if it was easy.
I know that if I was hit by a bus, that it would be my dying wish that he would stop and live what years he has left Sober.
I know that I want peace for myself and would rather be alone....no more eggshells. No more happy humming that tells me he's just one tic away from throwing the flipper, verbal abuse and slamming doors.
I finally figured out "enabeling" I know that by staying thats is what I do.
I know that "Love the Person and hate the disease" and "Detach with Love" only works for a couple of years. I'm on a slippery slope of hating him when he calls me lazy Fing hog.
What I want to know;
If I tell him that I need a break, that I'm leaving him...is that the one thing in the world that Might make him want to stop? I had a counsellor tell me that sometimes a DUI will do it (he used to be a police chief) but usually if something is going to work, its loss of relationship. Is that true?
Reading here, I didn't see any stories about quitting because the spouse was leaving or intervention by family members. I'm missing something....WHAT exactly makes them stop?
PS; Last time I checked he was going through at least a magnum of rum every three days. He starts at 930 AM on the dot. He was fired at 54 and has adequate income from rentals and pension. I've heard it said that boredom is an alcholics worst enemy.
I am happy that I have to job to go to every day.
Thanks for listening.
My mother; Childish Narcisssitic Anti Social Personality Disorder
1st hubby was a party boy and a weekend binge drinker, not the greatest husband but still a good friend. I would go back with him now, after being married to a hard core drinker for 15 yrs.
Things that I know;
The 3 Cs, I don't cry anymore.
I know he would stop drinking if it was easy.
I know that if I was hit by a bus, that it would be my dying wish that he would stop and live what years he has left Sober.
I know that I want peace for myself and would rather be alone....no more eggshells. No more happy humming that tells me he's just one tic away from throwing the flipper, verbal abuse and slamming doors.
I finally figured out "enabeling" I know that by staying thats is what I do.
I know that "Love the Person and hate the disease" and "Detach with Love" only works for a couple of years. I'm on a slippery slope of hating him when he calls me lazy Fing hog.
What I want to know;
If I tell him that I need a break, that I'm leaving him...is that the one thing in the world that Might make him want to stop? I had a counsellor tell me that sometimes a DUI will do it (he used to be a police chief) but usually if something is going to work, its loss of relationship. Is that true?
Reading here, I didn't see any stories about quitting because the spouse was leaving or intervention by family members. I'm missing something....WHAT exactly makes them stop?
PS; Last time I checked he was going through at least a magnum of rum every three days. He starts at 930 AM on the dot. He was fired at 54 and has adequate income from rentals and pension. I've heard it said that boredom is an alcholics worst enemy.
I am happy that I have to job to go to every day.
Thanks for listening.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Hello, and welcome! This is a great board, and you will find a lot of wisdom, advice and compassion here. I am very sorry for the situation that brings you here, but I'm glad you are here.
Everyone is different in their motivation to get sober, and some people never do. In my case, I decided not to live with the drinking, and I left my AH in October. However, my leaving wasn't about him. It was about me. I could not live that way, so I left to regain my sanity, my peace, and my self respect. Now, AH claims to be sober and to have "seen the light," but I have no faith in the lasting power of his words. In my opinion, leaving with the goal of getting your husband to change is a manipulation that is not likely to be successful. I think that because it has to be HIS decision to get sober, followed by HIS hard work to truly get into recovery. Unfortunately, you can't want it for him.
In my case, I believe the reason my AH is now claiming to be sober is because, for the first time, he's the one who is uncomfortable. He didn't want me to leave, and now that I'm gone, he's upset because now he doesn't have something that he wants. My fear, and the reason I won't go back, is that if his motivation isn't internal to HIM, then it won't last. He only views sobriety as a means to an end (me coming home), but doesn't see any other value in not drinking.
I hope that your husband gets sober, but you have no control over that. However, you DO have control over what you do, and what you are willing to live with. I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself, and start thinking about YOUR needs. When it's all about the alcoholic, it's easy to forget that you are a person with needs that need to be met as well.
I'm sure more people will be along soon with more perspectives and wisdom. Please keep posting, and hang it there!
Everyone is different in their motivation to get sober, and some people never do. In my case, I decided not to live with the drinking, and I left my AH in October. However, my leaving wasn't about him. It was about me. I could not live that way, so I left to regain my sanity, my peace, and my self respect. Now, AH claims to be sober and to have "seen the light," but I have no faith in the lasting power of his words. In my opinion, leaving with the goal of getting your husband to change is a manipulation that is not likely to be successful. I think that because it has to be HIS decision to get sober, followed by HIS hard work to truly get into recovery. Unfortunately, you can't want it for him.
In my case, I believe the reason my AH is now claiming to be sober is because, for the first time, he's the one who is uncomfortable. He didn't want me to leave, and now that I'm gone, he's upset because now he doesn't have something that he wants. My fear, and the reason I won't go back, is that if his motivation isn't internal to HIM, then it won't last. He only views sobriety as a means to an end (me coming home), but doesn't see any other value in not drinking.
I hope that your husband gets sober, but you have no control over that. However, you DO have control over what you do, and what you are willing to live with. I would encourage you to be gentle with yourself, and start thinking about YOUR needs. When it's all about the alcoholic, it's easy to forget that you are a person with needs that need to be met as well.
I'm sure more people will be along soon with more perspectives and wisdom. Please keep posting, and hang it there!
IKneedaBreak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: MI
Posts: 21
Thank you Sasha, that does put a new spin on what my counselor gave me to think about. But you're right, when I am ready to leave it won't be with the intention of coming back if he gets sober. I think it will be too late and I'm pretty sure that I will be too happy on my own if I can manage it economically. In the past he has gone to FL for weeks in the winter and its wonderfully peaceful and anxiety free.
It sounds like your husband has a lot to prove and should expect to give it a loooong time, for you and himself.
It sounds like your husband has a lot to prove and should expect to give it a loooong time, for you and himself.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi and Welcome to the SR family!
You will find lots of information, support and encouragement here. We understand.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I thought for a long time that I wanted my AH (alcoholic husband) to get sober. I tried crying, screaming, silence, cooperation, compromise, love, love, and more love to get my AH sober.
After I learned about alcoholism, codependency, and Alanon I began to shift my focus from my alcoholic to myself. I started taking better care of myself, I learned more about recovery, I learned to listen to my needs, and I started to make changes. My AH noticed.
I decided I needed to leave my active AH to protect myself and my children from the downward spiral of active alcoholism. When I let my AH know that I was leaving, he asked me if I would stay if he got sober. This is what I said:
"I used to believe that sobriety was what I wanted from you, now I understand that there is a difference between sobriety and recovery. There is more that needs to change than just stopping drinking."
There is a difference between sobriety and recovery. Sobriety means that the alcoholic is not picking up alcohol anymore. Recovery means that the alcoholic is addressing issues, emotions and reactions that have lead to a life of chaos.
Putting down the drink will not change the verbal abuse and anger issues. Those need to be addressed too.
You will find lots of information, support and encouragement here. We understand.
Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
I thought for a long time that I wanted my AH (alcoholic husband) to get sober. I tried crying, screaming, silence, cooperation, compromise, love, love, and more love to get my AH sober.
After I learned about alcoholism, codependency, and Alanon I began to shift my focus from my alcoholic to myself. I started taking better care of myself, I learned more about recovery, I learned to listen to my needs, and I started to make changes. My AH noticed.
I decided I needed to leave my active AH to protect myself and my children from the downward spiral of active alcoholism. When I let my AH know that I was leaving, he asked me if I would stay if he got sober. This is what I said:
"I used to believe that sobriety was what I wanted from you, now I understand that there is a difference between sobriety and recovery. There is more that needs to change than just stopping drinking."
There is a difference between sobriety and recovery. Sobriety means that the alcoholic is not picking up alcohol anymore. Recovery means that the alcoholic is addressing issues, emotions and reactions that have lead to a life of chaos.
Putting down the drink will not change the verbal abuse and anger issues. Those need to be addressed too.
IKneedaBreak
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: MI
Posts: 21
Pelican; thank you, since reading here on SR I have opened my eyes a bit to the notion of recovery and things like paws. I think one poster wondered if its the rum in him or the jerk.
17 years ago my AH did do a forced 6 wks in a rehab unit and stayed sober for 2 years. During that time he was happy, not depressed and we were close. He picked up a beer on vacation with some other couples and the happy dissappeared. Without a crystal ball there is no way of knowing if the happy will come back after sobriety, its probably gone forever. Besides, he shows no interest in detox, especially since I keep hanging around to enable him.......but I can't help but wonder what he would be like if he could do it.
17 years ago my AH did do a forced 6 wks in a rehab unit and stayed sober for 2 years. During that time he was happy, not depressed and we were close. He picked up a beer on vacation with some other couples and the happy dissappeared. Without a crystal ball there is no way of knowing if the happy will come back after sobriety, its probably gone forever. Besides, he shows no interest in detox, especially since I keep hanging around to enable him.......but I can't help but wonder what he would be like if he could do it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Baghdad
Posts: 2,822
Originally Posted by IKneedaBreak 
I had a counsellor tell me that sometimes a DUI will do it (he used to be a police chief) but usually if something is going to work, its loss of relationship. Is that true?
Reading here, I didn't see any stories about quitting because the spouse was leaving or intervention by family members. I'm missing something....WHAT exactly makes them stop?
Reading here, I didn't see any stories about quitting because the spouse was leaving or intervention by family members. I'm missing something....WHAT exactly makes them stop?
From my perspective as a double winner, who knows?
What I've read, hitting a bottom can best be described as the addict/alcoholic finally realizing that if they continue on the path their on, they will lose something that they aren't willing to lose.
Which could be a job.
Or a spouse.
Or their life.
I say could, because as you might already know, the bottom for some addicts/alcoholics is 6 feet under.
Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
One of the challenges of this disease is that we often don't get to know what we want to know about them. The chief is an alcoholic. Some have bottoms, some don't. Some find their bottoms, some don't. There is no way to predict what their bottoms are-- some are relatively mild with little damage to the alcoholic, and some are incredibly horrible.
That's where the detach with love thing comes in. In my opinion, your only hope to escape this abusive relationship with a husband who would actually call you the names you describre is to start taking care of yourself by going to Al-Anon-- at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if it is for you. This will also help you, should you decide to leave him, from finding alcoholic number three.
Another option is to spend the rest of your life just like it is today. Good times.
Take care,
Cyranoak
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
That's where the detach with love thing comes in. In my opinion, your only hope to escape this abusive relationship with a husband who would actually call you the names you describre is to start taking care of yourself by going to Al-Anon-- at least six meetings, some different, before deciding if it is for you. This will also help you, should you decide to leave him, from finding alcoholic number three.
Another option is to spend the rest of your life just like it is today. Good times.
Take care,
Cyranoak
How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Originally Posted by IKneedaBreak
I've heard it said that boredom is an alcholics worst enemy.
I am happy that I have to job to go to every day.
I am happy that I have to job to go to every day.
I remember wishing I didn't have to leave work to go home. Sending you hugs.
Each alcoholic's 'bottom' is different. Sailorjohn described it well. XAH has not found his bottom yet. He's lost his truck, his own business, a couple great jobs and several decent jobs, and his family. He still doesn't see that he has a problem with alcohol and routinely blames his problems on every one - any one - else.
Remember to take care of yourself. I hope you keep reading and posting here. And please do check out Alanon, they're a great support too.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
Welcome, IKneedaBreak...
Living with an alcoholic is not an easy thing to do, and I'm glad you're trying to get help.
Unfortunately, there is no simple solution, or we wouldn't all be here! You need to take what you can from other people's experiences, and pull out the bits that will help you.
The only piece of advice I would offer: Do things because they will make you feel better / happier, not because you think that maybe it will make the drinking stop. Now is not the time to worry about him, now is the time to worry about you!
Living with an alcoholic is not an easy thing to do, and I'm glad you're trying to get help.
Unfortunately, there is no simple solution, or we wouldn't all be here! You need to take what you can from other people's experiences, and pull out the bits that will help you.
The only piece of advice I would offer: Do things because they will make you feel better / happier, not because you think that maybe it will make the drinking stop. Now is not the time to worry about him, now is the time to worry about you!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by IKneedaBreak
WHAT exactly makes them stop?
bottom line: when the misery of being living life inside a bottle outweighs the other miseries of life.
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