naive

good for you for posting here, rather than calling him back.

when mine doesn't want to talk, it's normally because he's been drinking and he doesn't want me to figure it out. not saying that is the case with yours, but with mine, it normally was.

phlegmatic

Oh goodness. Right after I posted this, AH's mom called me and said, "I just talked to AH and he says he's coming back to live with you!" WTH?!? She even talked to him after our long talk the other day and said that he said it was better for both of us if he stays with his family where he is. Aarrggghhh! I don't understand.

She said I should call him later tonight to see what he says...I am so frustrated.

[edited below]
Oops! I missed your message, Naive, while I was writing this one. I think I need to go ahead and decide to NOT call him until next week when we had planned to talk again. I don't know if he was drinking or not...he didn't sound like he was, but he also didn't sound as good (and happy and sober) as the last time we talked. None of this makes sense and hashing it all out today probably won't help and won't make it make more sense.

I told him that I didn't understand his reaction since I thought we had both agreed it was the best thing. He has always been wishy-washy and this is a perfect example of that. Telling two different stories to two different people within 30 minutes!

Thanks for letting me write and vent here. I think I need to just calm down. Calm down and realize that nothing is going to change today if I call him. Just stick to my word and wait until next week.

wicked

Sorry phlegmatic. I understand about the wishful thinking, I had plenty, years of it.
My ex would never come up with the word melancholy though.

You are being realistic and working on you. I think that is cool.

Beth

sailorjohn

My experience, and I've posted this before, it was pointed out to me by more than one member here, the relationship was more of an addiction than anything else.

She had her doc, I had mine-her.

Like alcoholism, the only effective treatment is complete abstinence.

For codependency it would be no contact. Period.

Difficult, yes, but it can be done.

And the fairest thing to do for him also. When you tell him that you want to talk about the 'relationship', he's not thinking that you want to end it, he's thinking that you want to keep it going.

wicked

I missed your posting at 1:32 phlegmatic.
Good God, he has mommy calling you now with his change of plans.
He knows you won't upset mommy.
Okay, maybe that was my story.

You are still doing great phlegmatic. You are right, nothing will happen today.
Wait til next week until you have time to process and get it straight in your own mind.
Maybe not talk to his mom either. Just a thought.

Beth

wicked

I was writing a response to your last post phlegmatic,
but I think sailorjohn says it best. abstinence.
And I was manipulated by my ex's mother, so maybe don't talk to her either.
Avoid everyone who wants you two back together, cause it is easier for them when you are caretaking.

Beth

sorry for the repeat phlegmatic.

phlegmatic

Thank you, everyone. Things were so much better when we were NC, SailorJohn! You're right!

He knows (should know) that talking about "the relationship" means talking about ending it. Our last conversation was earlier this week--he called me, a first since he's been gone. I told him I thought he should stay where he is and not come back, and I told him I'd let that sink in and we'd talk again later.

That is pretty manipulative to say different things to his mom, knowing she was about to call me (she told him so).

I am going to a friend's tonight but now I wish I had written down the location of the Al-Anon meeting that is meeting tonight instead of being canceled like all the rest. I am going to try to meditate or something and get a sponsor when I go to my (now regular) meeting tomorrow!

Thanks everyone...I am driving myself nuts with this and need to calm down!

phlegmatic

Thanks--I am trying to keep this in mind because I know they would all rather I take care of him than them. But I did that for 11 years! Their turn. He wasn't an alcoholic when he was a kid and teenager living with them.