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OT - advice on online dating?

Old 12-07-2010, 07:59 AM
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OT - advice on online dating?

Hi everyone,

Friends convinced me to go out dancing the other night, and well I guess it was a learning experience ... I hated it (being looked at as if you were fresh meat (even though I was in jeans and covering long sleeved top) - yuck - and how can you have a decent conversation with anyone in the middle of deafening music - re-yuck).

However I did conclude from the experience that I am done being a recluse. So I joined an online dating website for the 1st time a couple of days ago.
In the past couple of days I got a few messages that did not appeal to me at all. I was actually login in to the dating website this morning to delete my account - feeling this is just a waste of my time - then as I checked my inbox for the last time I actually had a really nice message from a guy who seems decent, and is seemingly looking for the same things as me (just friends for now, just meeting once in a while when we have time in between looking after our kids). So I did not close my account ...

The thing is I am useless in knowing how to take it from there. I have never been been comfortable with writing personal things (as you can see from the number of posts I wrote in the past 6 years lol!), so I would tend towards just replying to his message with a short message and my picture (he did not ask for it in his message but says he would like one on his profile), get his (cause he says on his profile he will send one if the girl sends him one - and after all I do want a reasonably nice looking guy, even as friends ;-)), and then all being well meet up for a coffee.


Anyone with experience in online dating? Should I be more careful (ask questions etc)? I guess he could just have written anything (as he could write anything to questions I would ask anyways). He does seem genuine but there is no way to know anyways until I meet with him - well anyways even after I meet him. All I know is that at least he can write properly!

Any input appreciated. Thanks.

Last edited by atdawn; 12-07-2010 at 08:00 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 12-07-2010, 08:14 AM
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Yes I have advice
Do not, in any way, give our personal information: don't text with anyone, or even let them know where you live. Pretend your grandmother is watching.

Here are some additional resources.
Staying Safe with Online Dating

Other than that, congratulations! one of my favorite couples met online, I think it's a great way to cut through the BS and find someone who truly shares your ideas of what a relationship should be like.
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Old 12-07-2010, 08:23 AM
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I would view online dating as a way to have a sure date every Saturday night as long as you can tolerate the whackos from time to time. Do not take in personal and don't expect to find your soul mate, at some point in time you might be pleasantly surprised but if you don't count on it you wont be disappointed. Just enjoy yourself.

I would avoid developing long term mailing relationships over time and get right to the safe meet as soon as realistic. Do the meet for coffee thing during the day before you commit to a Saturday night date. Be ready for several of these coffee meets before you meet a potential night date, just in case. Keep your own info close to your chest for these first meets and remember dating is not a contact sport, no helmets or padding is required if done safely.
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Old 12-07-2010, 10:18 AM
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atdawn this is how I met Mr. X. With 2 kids I have most of the time and friends who have given it a try with some success--I thought what the heck. And yes--there were a lot of really annoying whack jobs out there. I needed to weed through and delete stuff. Really, why would I want to respond to some guy who live 1000 miles away and is looking for a woman 30 years younger than him up to one year older than him?

I think what appealed to me about Mr. X was he shot me a quick email and asked if I wanted to meet for coffee and after I looked at his profile we seemed to be interested in the same things and politically aligned (which is important for me). Also he was not looking for romance--just someone to hang with and if it turned into something-fine. If not, it still would be nice to meet some people.

I agree-tell no one anything personal about yourself. Mr. X and I have been seeing each other for about 10 weeks. During that time we had coffee at an outdoor cafe, took our dogs to a very busy dog park twice and talked on the phone. Neither of us gave the other any personal information. No last name. We did exchange phone numbers after we met at the dog park. Still, no addresses, no email addresses and very little information about kids aside from the fact that we had them and how often.

About 2 weeks into it Mr. X disappeared and I was told by one of my friend that is not unusual. I thought--OK, no big deal. I liked him. He was a nice guy and I had fun with him but something did not click for him or maybe he is looking for more than I can offer. 2 weeks later he gave me a call and asked if I wanted to take the dogs to the dog park again. I thought-sure. It's warm out. We talked some more. Then got together that night for dinner-which felt awkward. But at the end of it he asked if I might want to go out during the week when xah had the kids. So we did and that is when I asked him why he disappeared for 2 weeks--and, gasp. He was honest.

He told me he liked me but was having a real problem with the fact that I have 2 young kids and that they are with me the majority of the time so he knew he was going to have to take a major back seat IF we decided we liked each other and wanted to pursue a relationship. I asked him why he changed his mind and he said he liked hanging out with me. We have fun when we are together and we laugh a lot when we are together. He thought that was more important and that we would get together when it worked for both of us. He also said that he knew that if we had plans and his daugher called and asked to get together (he does not see her as often as he would like) and he called me up to cancel our plans that I would not get upset.

So I guess--there was at least one decent soul I met and I have "seen" other people who I would get to know if I chose to but I don't have time. Also, about a week ago Mr. X and I decided we would not "date" anyone else (that was right around the time he asked me to go to his daughter's dance recital and before we became friends with benefits )

But I will say, the first time I signed on it was weird. My friends told me it was because "I was fresh meat". So just like the rest of the world--there will be slime bags out there and there will be nice guys out there. I almost removed myself the first night because I was getting really annoyed.

Just take your time and if you find you are not interested just say no. But always meet in very public places until you really know the person. Being the investigator I am I actually did a CCAP on Mr. X and checked other legal records when I started to think I was interested in seeing him.
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Old 12-07-2010, 01:59 PM
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I've done a lot of on line dating in the past, this is how I met my last ex.
I rarely if ever meet anyone right away. I like to do the email and phone and txting first in order to get to know them first.
I've met a few guys I ony talked to once and they were just plain CREEPY and strange!
You can ween the creepy ones out by talking to them well before meeting them.
I got a lot of guys under 25 and married/taken men as well.
The majority of men who msg;ed me were married or taken.
Lots of CREEPS out there!

Take it slow
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Old 12-07-2010, 07:29 PM
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Thanks to all of you for your replies - Thanks for the link Transform - will be cautious and see how it goes ...

Originally Posted by Summerpeach View Post
I got a lot of guys under 25 and married/taken men as well.
The majority of men who msg;ed me were married or taken.
Lots of CREEPS out there!
So did they originally pretend they were older/ not married etc... ? Or you found that out from their original post?
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Old 12-08-2010, 06:04 AM
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No, I knew before I would even meet them since I would ask many questions and talk to them WELL before meeting them.
There is one guy that was really pushy with meet me, he never asked me anything like "Where do you live, what's your job" etc. He wasn't really interested in me. But he was asking over and over to meet me, then one night I said at the last minute "Ok, let's meet" and he found every excuse in the book that he could not. I just knew at this point the AHOLE was married or had a GF.
He said "Can't we just meet after work for a few hrs"
I told him "does your wife/gf know you're a douchebag"
I never heard from him again!

Ugh, I write this and it makes me wonder how many women my ex was doing this to when I was with him!

Some humans are truly scum bags.....be careful and make sure you ask a TRILLION questions.
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Old 12-08-2010, 05:55 PM
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OK - thanks!
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