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Please Help Me

Old 12-08-2010, 08:20 AM
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Please Help Me

Hello-
I am new here-been lurking and reading for the past couple of months.

I am in love with an Alcoholic, we have been up and down for 5 years.
He is in Recovery-going to AA meetings 3-4 times a week.
He has lost his homes, and has moved back into his parents home.
His dad is also an Alcoholic (sober over 35 years) and he is relying on his dad to help him be successful this time.

Things have been going well for the past 2-3 months.
This morning I got an e-mail from him saying he cannot let seeing me get in the way of his recovery.
His sponsor has told him he has done Recovery in the past for others and not himself. He started drinking at the age of 17 and that is where his maturity level is at.

I know all this-having done many hours of reading and research on this.
I know MY next step should be Al-Anon.

It's just so hard, knowing this is probably the end of the road for us....
I'm just feeling sad.
Thank you for reading this~
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Old 12-08-2010, 08:35 AM
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i know it might be hard to believe, but that is a good sign that he needs a break from his relationship with you so that he can focus on his recovery.

i know it's not easy for you, but it is good that he is giving his single focus to tackling alcoholism.

try not to awfulize about the future which hasn't ocurred yet.

is there anything that you wished you had the time to pursue? a new interest? try to put the focus back on yourself and what you want in your life.

naive
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Old 12-08-2010, 08:38 AM
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Thank you for responding, naive.

I actually have many interests and have continued to live a very fulfilling life-this is the only "bump" in my road, so to speak.
I am now looking into Alanon meetings, I need to figure out why I want him in my life as badly as I do....
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Old 12-08-2010, 08:44 AM
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Alove: there is nothing to figure out. You love him, period! We love people and one or the other may go through something but it doesn't mean we don't love them.
Is he good for you? Right now, more likely, not!
It is good that he's working his program, but I don't buy the "no relationship while working a program"!
What does a person do who has a family, do they just walk away because they are in recovery?

I get detachment, but there are times, the pain of ending a relationship can also cause enough stress that the focus cannot be on the healing.
Yes some end it, some stay together through the process, It all depends on how bad the relationship is, and since you didn't tell us much about the relationship, it's hard to say whether this is good or not?
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Old 12-08-2010, 08:49 AM
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Maybe you wont be officially together but be there for him and support him. Things will work out like they are supposed to.
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Old 12-08-2010, 08:50 AM
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Summerpeach-
Our relationship was good, no fighting, no abuse-in fact I have never SEEN him take a drink.
We were friends for a couple of years before we had a romantic/sexual relationship.

We are so different, in so many ways...I am a non drinker, stable, financially secure, many friends, many interests.
He is none of the above, and I know that is hard for him.

I'm thinking I am delusional hoping this will end well...
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Old 12-08-2010, 08:52 AM
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ItsMe-
I told him this am I will always be a true friend to him, and that I hope he is successful in beating the demons inside of him....
Now I'm thinking that might have been to dramatic of an response to him???
Geez-I just don't know.
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Old 12-08-2010, 10:49 AM
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Hey Alove

Dont beat yourself up about the 'I will always be a true friend to him, and that i hope he............him". That is EXACTLY what i told my ABF.....who has since decided to recommit to AA.

Like Summerpeach said - I also dont get this breaking up for recovery thing for the same reason as what do those do who are married?

So for now I guess you just focus on you and your recovery.
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Old 12-08-2010, 11:05 AM
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Hi ALove...

I am going through the same thing right now. It isn't easy, but I have learned that it is okay for me to focus on myself. If you can truly be there for him and be a true friend, well by all means do so. But you need to be honest with yourself as to if you can handle that or not. For me, I have been able to step back and be a friend, but some days that isn't so easy and my emotions get the best of me. Those are the days that I don't call or text him...just take some space for myself and at the same time give him space for his recovery.

We never know where the future is going to take us. It doesn't have to be the end of the road for your relationship. But at the same time, you can't put your life on hold for his recovery. Someone told me that alcoholism is a very selfish thing and his recovery is going to be just as selfish. This really got me thinking and I realized that it was okay for me to be selfish as well and put myself first.

As hard as it may be to hear, he is doing the right thing. Now you need to do the right thing and take care of yourself. This is a great forum and has helped me a lot. Keep posting and reading as I have. There are so many kind people from different experiences that can help you along this road. All my best to you!!!
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Old 12-08-2010, 11:47 AM
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A-Love,
I agree with Poohfan. We don't know where the future will take us. There is only now. It's important to take care of yourself. I'm working on same lesson. As much as I want my dreams to come true with my AW, my rational mind knows that they may not happen. So I need to do the best I can to take care of me. If your relationship is ment to happen then it will.

Let Go & Let God,

Sean
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Old 12-08-2010, 12:36 PM
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Thank you all for your responses.

I do the "No Contact' with him-he is the one that always comes back to me-not vice versa.
I carry on with my life, and he knows it.

There is no yelling at him from me-in fact we have had a couple of gentle e-mails back and forth since I made this thread.
My last one told him I loved him and will always be a friend that cares.....
I sincerely hope he finds peace, with or without me....
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Old 12-08-2010, 12:55 PM
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Hi Alove -

I'm glad to see you're in such a good place
and I also think you're absolutely right
in checking out alanon and finding out more about yourself at this time.

Welcome to SR (again) and we're here.
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Old 12-08-2010, 05:10 PM
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I've been following your story Rayn.

He has been going to AA since June. Was sober for 5 years before that.
This all came about just this am-still absorbing it....

Good luck to you and everyone else struggling with this disease and the pain it causes.....
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Old 12-08-2010, 07:43 PM
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Alove: I know how hard this is. Sometimes the time apart is a gift we don't see right away.
Men hate feeling less than their women, so just maybe he wants to go away, make himself a better/healthier person and show you how great he can be and come back and make you proud.
In the meantime, work on you, it's the best gift you can give yourself
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