Is having a peaceful life too much to ask?

Old 12-01-2010, 11:37 AM
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Is having a peaceful life too much to ask?

Hi my name is Jackie and I'm new here. I have been reading the posts for awhile now and I needed your perspective. I have been with my ABF now for 3 years. We met in AA when he was sober but he relapsed about a year ago. I moved in with him about the same time(big mistake) not realizing how much he drank. I get brief glimpses of the man I fell in love with but they are just glimpses. He used to be kind, considerate and patient. That is no longer the case. He drinks from the time he comes home from work until he goes to bed and all day on the weekends. The worst part is how much his personality changes. He becomes so angry, paranoid, and selfish! I tried doing all those things that codies do to make it better but obviously it's not working. I live outside of town and don't drive so when my ABF is drunk and on a rampage, I have nowhere to go to get away from it. I can't even enjoy the good times we have because I'm so worried about the bad times that I know are coming! But this isn't about him anymore, it's about me. I don't like the person I've become. I am so angry, resentful, frustrated and sad all the time and that didn't used to be me! I got sober to have a better, peaceful life, not the drama and chaos I live with now! As I said before, I've been reading the posts and all of you are so loving and compassionate and that's really what I need right now. Thank you for being here...
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Old 12-01-2010, 12:24 PM
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Hi Jackien and Welcome!

You are in the right place! There are many wise and experienced folks here to support you.

I'm in a similar place. When she's sober, my wife is the greatest. When she's drinking, I can hardly recognize the woman I married. Worst of all, I hate who I've become (timid, fearful, angry, resentful, confused, sad, crazy...). That's why I realized that I was the one who needed help!

You've taken a big step by posting here and you sound like you've got your head in the right place. Since you're familiar with AA, you already know about acceptance and you seem to have accepted where you are.

If you've never been, get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. As I'm sure you know, this is all about you and your needs.

YES you deserve to have a peaceful life!!!!

Please keep posting. You are not alone!!
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Old 12-01-2010, 12:52 PM
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Welcome to the SR family Jackie!

Congrats on your personal recovery from alcoholism!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

You do deserve to be respected, loved and treated as a partner in your relationship.

Living with my active alcoholic, I became someone I did not recognize. I was an angry, frustrated, anxious hot mess!

Alanon and SR have helped me to take control of my life and regain my serenity.

We are here to support you as you find your way back to YOU!
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Old 12-01-2010, 01:00 PM
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Hi Jackie...and WELCOME to SR (well, officially anyways!).

I'm sorry you're in such a horrid situation but I am glad you found SR. It has often been my lifesaver. Seems like being with your ABF has made you a double-winner...Have you considered attending some Al-Anon meetings to get some much needed support? There are also online meetings if you can't get to face to face ones...

I hope you keep posting!
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Old 12-01-2010, 01:24 PM
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Welcome, Welcome, Welcome!

So glad you have decided to post and seek support.

Congratulations on your recovery!! If I had a wish for you it would be that you put your sobriety through recovery above all else. No relationship is worth jeopardizing that.

That said, I understand fully the need to dig and dig until the person you love comes back to the surface. I dug for 10 years and only caught site of my XABF on occasion. Considering he drank from early on in our relationship, I often wonder if I ever really saw him at all. Sad.

There are others here who can speak to sobriety and how to stay true to your recovery, but as a codependent myself, I know how hard detachment is. It's for your health and his that you try. Al-Anon can help you put your tools from AA into a different perspective. While only addicts can help other addicts in recovery, they aren't helping when they turn into codependents. That's a whole 'nother beast to be caged.

You are in the right place. You will find support and understanding here.

Keep posting. We're listening.

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Old 12-01-2010, 04:50 PM
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Hi, I sure do understand what you are saying, towards the end of my relationship with my exabf, I could not enjoy myself either. I too was waiting for the other shoe to drop ...and it did. I was miserable.

I had to let go of him, and for me, it was the best thing I ever did, for me.

Congrats on your recovery!
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Old 12-01-2010, 05:18 PM
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Want to just add my welcome and congratulations on your recovery.

I moved in with my exabf too; he was attending AA, but hiding his drinking from me. I was a crazy, confused, mess of a woman.

Keep reading and posting, as you can see, SR is a truly wonderful place. Please take care of yourself above all else. It's really the only thing any of us can do that makes any difference anyway.
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Old 12-01-2010, 07:04 PM
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An active alcoholic is incapable of having a relationship with anything, anyone but the bottle. You met him in AA and you didn't know that?
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Old 12-01-2010, 07:24 PM
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Having a peaceful life is not too much to ask, but peace is a choice.
You can't go back and change your choices now, but you can make better choices in the future.
I've seen it over and over and over, people in the program hooking up, it rarely ever works out.
For the life of me, I'll never understand why AA meetings are not separated by the sexes.
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