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Anger Management

Old 11-27-2010, 01:12 PM
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Anger Management

My AH and I rarely fought, until the end when I started to stand up to him before our separation. Now I have all of this anger inside and don't know what to do about it. How do you all deal with it? I want to write a letter to him since talking together doesn't work and he won't go to counseling with me. I waver from feeling like this is it I am done, to I think we could have tried harder and should, but how long do I wait to ask him? I am afraid of being rejected, that has always been my problem. I am seeing a counselor so I will take these questions to her also,l just wondered what you all felt as you are all so wise and helpful. I feel like being alone today, it has been only 3 weeks without my AH, my aunts and uncles wanted me to join them for card playing, but I declined, I just can't be social right now.
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Old 11-27-2010, 01:15 PM
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jack,
What are you angry about?
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Old 11-27-2010, 01:35 PM
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I am angry that he is having fun tonight with his family and I am home depressed. I am angry that he doesn't want to go to counseling and doesn't care about our marriage. I am angry that he is telling people that I didn't like to hang out with his family when they were in town, which I did, but not for 5 days in a row on my vacation too and I had to clean our house, do laundry, etc. and do school work, when his sisters don't have to worry about any of that because they have the money to have someone clean their house! I am angry that I am left alone and he is having all the fun. I am angry he didn't know how to communicate in a healthy way. I am angry that I don't get to see my son as much because of the parenting schedule.

I have decided that I am goint to type up a contract to not drink 12 hours before and during parental visitations, sign one myself, then have it notarized, then send him a copy of mine and one for him and have him sign and notarize it. If he refuses, fine, then I will have that in the future, if he does, then great, but he probably won't follow it, right?

I am angry because I am hurting and he is not!

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Old 11-27-2010, 01:54 PM
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Wow. Awesome list! Now take it one step further and for each of those things you are angry about, write out what you would LIKE for him to do, or what you would LIKE to happen, instead.
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Old 11-27-2010, 02:12 PM
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Jackthedog - I am right there with you. I am feeling so angry nowadays as well. I have so many things to do before I start the job and I am feeling completely overwhelmed. I am so angry that I am struggling here with all these issues and AH is being so irresponsible. I see so many families where the father does so many things - provides financially for the family, takes on equal responsibility and here I am doing everything. I know that even if AH is here - he wouldnt be helping with any of these, but just creating drama. I think my anger stems from the fact that I was handed a "lemon" of a husband. Why was I not more smart while choosing a husband - why in the hell did I have kids with such an irresponsible person!!! I love my kids and I am so glad for them but this single parent thingie is so tough....

I think I have to keep telling myself - there is no point being angry about this situation, just accpet the reality. I need to make a list of things to do in order of priority and keep ticking them off, one by one. And count my blessings, have fun, get a massage. easy to say, hard to implement.

Jackthedog - Can you come up with some solutions for some of your issues? the home depressed part.. Can you go to a friend's house or some family's house? Maybe do something fun for yourslef - like going to a movie/getting a massage/reading a book? Love L2L's suggestion - I am going to be doing that too, thanks! I bet your AH is also hurting (and of course numbing that with more and more alcohol). Unfortunately - we have to accpet the reality of our situation and then proactively do things to make ourselves feel better.
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Old 11-27-2010, 02:20 PM
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I have written many a scathing letter over the years, and just let it all hang out anger-wise.

I've never given any of those letters to the person I was angry with.

It was a way to purge myself of the anger, to get it all out in writing in front of me, own it, and let it go.
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Old 11-27-2010, 02:23 PM
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Anger does serve a purpose for a time, then it is like acid, it will eat you from the inside out.

Basically your anger was like mine, I needed to be in control, I needed to be in charge. And, when I wasn't I was angery.

Even if he signs your contract, you really don't beieve that it will be adhered to by him? If you do, you are only fooling yourself.

You could have gone to your relatives house and played cards, but, you didn't, you too, could have had fun, so why be upset because he chooses to go out and not have a self inflicted pity party?

I am not trying to be harsh, I am just trying to get you to rethink your attitude, you can have fun, you can enjoy your children, your life, just step outside your door and start moving forward, let him go, not for him, for you.

I do understand, I have been there and it is not a healthy place to live in.

Sending hugs,
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Old 11-27-2010, 02:27 PM
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I am angry that he is having fun tonight with his family and I am home depressed. (I want him to be home here with me and sober and wanting to play a board game with our son or watch a movie together and hold each other on the sofa.)


I am angry that he doesn't want to go to counseling and doesn't care about our marriage.( I want him to come to me and say he is sorry and he wants to save our marriage and go to counsling)

I am angry that he is telling people that I didn't like to hang out with his family when they were in town, which I did, but not for 5 days in a row on my vacation too and I had to clean our house, do laundry, etc. and do school work, when his sisters don't have to worry about any of that because they have the money to have someone clean their house! (I want to be with his family and enjoy them and not be left out, you see, I don't have alot of immediate family, only one brother who lives out of town who was incarcerated for armed robbery, got out, is an alcoholic/addict and is so annoying! He was adopted into our family and is my only sibling. My mom is dead and my dad lives with his girlfriend)

I am angry that I am left alone and he is having all the fun. (I want to be the one to go out with his family tonight because he doesn't want to, because he wants to go out with his friends and drink. Which is what he probably really wants to do but he is hanging out with his family because they will take care of him now that I am not, and he feels guilty they have bought him so much stuff for his house.)

I am angry he didn't know how to communicate in a healthy way. (I want us to both learn how to communicate with one another)

I am angry that I don't get to see my son as much because of the parenting schedule. (I want my AH to lose his privileges and have my son all to myself, but I don't want my son to be without a father either)

I want to look like the good person bottom line and that sounds so awful to me to say that! I want his family to call me and tell me they agree with me that he is an alcoholic and I want them to stop enabling him so he can hit bottom and get better!
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Old 11-27-2010, 03:15 PM
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"I want to look like the good person bottom line and that sounds so awful to me to say that! I want his family to call me and tell me they agree with me that he is an alcoholic and I want them to stop enabling him so he can hit bottom and get better"

There is only one person you can change, that is you. You cannot change his enablers. And, there is only one person that can help him to get better...him.

You do not have the power to change the world, you only have the power to change you.
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Old 11-27-2010, 03:28 PM
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well said, Dollydo.

Jackthedog - it took me a long time (and even now I slip) to accept that things (and AH) will not be the way I want. I cannot control him/change him. I can only change myself. I am also a people pleaser and want everyone to think nice of me. This is simply not possible and now I do not even care if his family (and I am sure they do) - think the worst of me. I am answerable only to my inner self and the values that I hold true. And as long as the way I behave aligns with my inner self and values, I do not care what other think of me.
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Old 11-27-2010, 03:50 PM
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Jack,
You know the 5 stages of grief, right? The last one is acceptance. I see bargaining, anger, sadness...but not yet acceptance on your 'wish list' and that is ok.
It's only been 3 weeks. That's a very short time to start feeling different emotions than when you were still with your H. But the change will come. Each day focus on the quiet when you get up, play music that soothes you as you drink your coffee and check your emails, think how everything is right where you put it, how there are no disagreements with H over what tv station to watch, how the bed covers are messed up just how you like them.
These peaceful things are the beginning of how to distance yourself from the anger. You create your peace in your own space.
The second thing is the acceptance. That won't kick in until you have no hope of salvaging the marriage. But you can work on getting to a happy place for you! A place where you are happy whether the marriage survives or not. A place where you are happy with yourself. That is something you can do something about. Him, you can do nothing. So remember where your power lies.
I understand not wanting to socialize much. It took me months to want to. I actually enjoyed to a great degree the time I was alone. Naturally sometimes I was lonely and wanted an instant fix to that, and that was when it was frustrating. But when you don't want to complain and share your personal problems, sometimes being alone is a blessing.
You have to remember he hasn't changed anything significant. Reuniting without fixing anything would be the madness all over again. A partner that refuses marriage counseling has told you all you need to know. Arrogant, obstinant. What does he have to give with those personality traits raging?

If you manage to stay low contact, and don't hold your breath for him ever, but concentrate on finding that place where you are happy with yourself, so will be happy no matter what the outcome, you will find your way to your peace. His going out on the town or whatever, isn't going to solve any of his issues, and none of the marriage issues. So don't even bother thinking about him going out with his family. He could be an absolute success in many ways in life, but intimacy in a marriage isn't one of them.
Find the place where you are happy with YOU. You can do that...it is in your power.
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Old 11-27-2010, 03:58 PM
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oh thank you thank you, I need this perspective so much! I wish I could reach out and hug you right now, you are an angel to me, thanks, I hope someday I can help someone as much as you have, God Bless you!
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