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Alcoholic blaming and anger

Old 11-23-2010, 06:10 PM
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Alcoholic blaming and anger

As some of you may know I recently spoke with my exAbf. He launched into an attack it felt to me saying that "I am a good guy and sorry you couldn't see that." I told him he had had every opportunity to go to counseling, work on the relationship and work on his drinking. I told him that he blames everything on me and it's not all my fault. He said he doesn't blame anything on me...then launched into blame five minutes later. He said he pulled away because I "withheld sex" and I know how important that was to him and I shouldn't have done that. I have continually said I didn't want to have sex because of I wasn't turned anymore...he says that's BS. Then he said counseling is BS and that the way we can work it out is by talking about things...not attacking. Basicly implying that I attack him. I don't feel that I attack him, I feel like he attacks and bullies me.

I got the impression he is losing it, is really angry and blaming me for his pain. He was blasted drunk everyday, abusive, manipulative, lying, u name it. But it seems like he thinks I've caused ALL his problems??? Is this typical?

I have since blocked his emails.
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Old 11-23-2010, 06:17 PM
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yes it is the common thing and so glad you decided not to be the brunt of it by blocking the emails...it gets better from here
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Old 11-23-2010, 07:04 PM
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Yes, it is their mantra.

I think it would be in your best interest to go no contact. It serves no purpose to subject yourself to his quacking.
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Old 11-23-2010, 07:11 PM
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He and his ex-wife remained friends. I know part of reason for leaving was the drinking. Why am I the brunt of his anger?

Or was he probably angry with her too back then?
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Old 11-23-2010, 07:12 PM
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And everything he says seems to go in circles and not make sense. Are they aware of what they are doing?
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Old 11-23-2010, 08:10 PM
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I have since blocked his emails.
That sounds so simple, yet it's profound and powerful.

I wish I had figured this one out a lot earlier than I did. I still took the calls, I still read the emails and letters, and I kept playing "it's over, it's over, c'mon over." I just couldn't wrap myself around the idea that WE were toxic. It wasn't a healthy relationship and likely would never be anything other than toxic. It took me a long time to disentangle myself from him and from us... and it took me being in a lot of emotional pain before I could take that action.

One day at a time, learning about boundaries, working my own recovery, those are the things that helped me the most.
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Old 11-23-2010, 08:13 PM
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I am not the type to even have dialogues with ex's, let alone engage in an arguement. Unless your goal is to fix things or be on good terms, I don't see the point in my humble opinion. Now you are all upset and he pushed your buttons. Avoid, ignore, move on.
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Old 11-23-2010, 08:14 PM
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
And everything he says seems to go in circles and not make sense. Are they aware of what they are doing?
This is exactly what they do and completly frustrating for the sober party who wants a grown up discussion and resolved conclusion. Many of us dont even realise that they do this for a long time into relationships. But when the penny finally drops its time to stop with this nonsense. Its crazy talk and will just make you crazy trying to analyse it! No contact for you would really be the best thing, cut your losses and move on. Why make yourself miserable thinking of the what ifs, if onlys etc.
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Old 11-23-2010, 08:27 PM
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Um to those wondering if I was hoping or wanting something or trying to "fix" things...I got anonymous roses at work and thought they were from him. That is why I was talking to him. Nothing else.

The flowers...still don't know who they were from.
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Old 11-23-2010, 08:29 PM
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That's why we were talking last week and it launched an attack.
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Old 11-23-2010, 08:39 PM
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Yes, I remember...don't worry about it.

Heck yeah they talk in circles..their entire mindset is based in denial and rationalization..otherwise they couldn't live the way they do.
What scares me is that they believe themselves!
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Old 11-23-2010, 09:44 PM
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Well those exact words came out of my DDF! Seriously the same thing its scary..the withholding sex and the we just need to talk things out.

Your doing the right thing blocking his email
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Old 11-24-2010, 12:30 AM
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"I am a good guy and sorry you couldn't see that."

A healthy response : "And I am a GOLDENGIRL and sorry you couldn't see that."
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Old 11-24-2010, 12:51 AM
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Alcoholism takes the personality of someone we love, corrupts it, and turns them into someone we never thought they would become. As the alcohol becomes more important and necessary in their life our loved one will find himself unable to any longer answer the question of who he is, but will rather find himself asking questions, such as who he has become. At first, an individual may enjoy an occasional beer or two. This does not have a permanent adverse effect on his personality. However, as time goes on, if this same person finds himself relying on alcohol to make it through the day, the problem has started. Before he knows it he will find himself psychologically dependent on alcohol and stages will develop. First, he may need a drink before he goes to bed to make him sleep better. Next, he may need to have a beer or two during his lunch break at the office because he has a lot on his mind. Finally, he'll find himself drinking as a means of solving the simplest problem or needing a drink before he can even feel comfortable in public. Once this point in the alcoholic cycle is reached, his personality will begin to change as it takes on a new, distorted shape. He will resemble a time bomb ready to explode at any second.

Where once there was a lively, energetic man there is now a sad, depressed one. As an individual begins drinking alcohol to help lessen depression, it does just the opposite. Alcohol does not cure depression, it merely masks it for a short time. After a man drinks a small dose of alcohol to lessen his state of depression, he will then be more likely to consume a larger dose the next time. These larger doses eventually lead to fits of anger which the drinker feels guilty for once he is sober. This guilt along with the body eventually becoming immune to the alcohol that it is being fed are the beginnings of the alcoholic drinker. In reality, the alcohol causes the very depression that it is supposed to cure.

Anxiety is another characteristic that can be altered by drinking alcohol. While one or two drinks can help calm the nerves, any consumption greater than two drinks actually causes anxiety. The drinker's nerves become more sporadic and perspiration increases. This personality trait as it is described with alcohol works in a cycle. Originally a person drinks to relieve anxiety but excess drinking leads to even more anxiety. The drinker then must consume more alcohol to cure the anxiety the original alcohol created and so on and so forth. What it boils down to is that the drinker will find himself drinking just to drink.

No matter how the world may actually be falling around them, alcohol to the everyday alcoholic offers a reason to live. They get up in the morning to a drink, go off to work; if they are employed; with a drink, and got to bed at night with a drink. During lows in an alcoholic's life, he becomes more susceptible to the dangers of alcohol. He will find it almost impossible to go any waking moment without a drink. This is because to an alcoholic, alcohol has become their friend. Someone they can rely on. Someone who is there all the time when they need it. To most alcoholics, alcohol is the only thing that truly has any meaning in life.

This friendship and addiction to alcohol damages the alcoholic's relationship with many around him. He becomes more volatile, angry, and distant from his loved ones. Small problems within the household are often met with fits of anger. There are many reported instances in which alcoholics have struck out at loved ones not only doing physical damage but psychological as well. These fits of anger can only be traced back to alcohol. The minute alcohol enters the blood it travels to the brain. While in the brain, the alcohol acts as a barrier between what is right and what is wrong. It makes decision making virtually impossible and complicates even the most basic thinking processes. While within the brain and the nervous system, alcohol decreases the level of tolerance that the drinker has. Because of this, these flashes of anger are very common and range from physical abuse to sexual abuse.

Another personality trait that is affected by consumption of alcohol is the learning process. Alcohol interferes with the synthesis of proteins in the neuron of the brain. This protein is needed to encode new information. As the alcohol eats away at these proteins, encoding new information, everyday decisions, and even questions such as one's home phone number become a chore and very hard to do. The alcoholic becomes easily lost while going out in public and often becomes disoriented by bright lights or loud noises. Another learning disfunction associated with alcoholism is the dependency that comes with the disease. If an individual spends a large amount of time dependent on alcohol and living every day with some type of link to it, it becomes harder and harder to live without it. In order for the disease to be cured, the alcoholic must learn how to do all these activities over again but this time while sober. This makes the learning process that much more difficult and the disease that much more harder to conquer.

Alcohol not only affects the individual during the day but it is also a strong deterrent to sleep during the night. Alcoholics relatively complain about struggles to fall asleep, restless sleep, nightmares, and in some extreme cases alcoholics develop patterns of sleepwalking. Alcohol reduces the amount of REM sleep which is the time that an individual is most prone to awaken. This causes the alcoholic to wake in the middle of the night and does not allow for the individual to fall asleep once awaken.

Overall, there is a wide range of effects alcoholism has on the individual person's personality. They range from anger and anxiety, to sleep patterns and learning. These changes in one's personality and the way in which they capable of functioning is not an unimportant matter. Rather it is something that needs to be noticed, admitted, and solved as soon as possible. The longer these patterns go on the harder it will be to cure them. Changes in one's personality due to alcoholism can result in the loss of someone's family, loved one, job, or self esteem. Personality defines an individual's character which is the backbone to who we are. If this personality is taken for granted, misused, or abused in any way because of alcoholism, who someone is will no longer be and the monster they have become will be how they are known.
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Old 11-24-2010, 06:30 AM
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Blaming you, me, the parrot in the cage, the sun for shining, who-ever and whatever is not only common, it is usual......in fact it seems to me that it is almost mandatory for them to do so.

It is not, however obligatory to cop it sweet, when it heads in our direction, and the easiest way to avoid it, is to keep out of their way altogether. If they can't contact me, then their fan can sling it's contents all over the place....I am not there.
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Old 11-24-2010, 08:22 AM
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Alcoholics relatively complain about struggles to fall asleep, restless sleep, nightmares, and in some extreme cases alcoholics develop patterns of sleepwalking.
Quoting this from PheonixtheBird's post - has anyone else ever heard of this before? the sleepwalking?

I used to be a heavy drinker and had a few instances where I wondered if I had been sleepwalking.
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Old 11-25-2010, 01:59 AM
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Originally Posted by goldengirl3 View Post
Quoting this from PheonixtheBird's post - has anyone else ever heard of this before? the sleepwalking?

I used to be a heavy drinker and had a few instances where I wondered if I had been sleepwalking.
i would say yes its poss although never witnessed it as such with my A just troubles with sleeping xxx
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