An update
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
An update
Hi my dear friends,
it is been a while since I've last posted here. I wish I could tell you that things are going great in my life, but unfortunatelly that is not the case.
My husband started drinking again a month ago. He is in deep denial, not admiting to himself or anyone what is going on. He has stopped taking his medications, and with his health being very poor with liver cirrhosis I don't think he is going to be alive for much longer.
Initially I kicked him out from our home again, but than I realized I'm doing it for the wrong reason, I did it because I hoped I'll get it and seek recovery again, but than I realized that is not going to happen. I feel sorry for him and I don't want him to die on the streets, homless, so I let him come back to our home. Despite everything, we had some good times, I know in my heart he did the best he could, but the disease is stronger than him. I don't want him to die alone. Living like this is not pretty, but since I stayed all these years I figure I might as well stay until the end.
Mostly I feel sad, sometimes angry, but mostly sad and empty. I've started therapy, and I'm on AD which is really helping me right now. I keep talking honestly about all that is going on with our kids, and they are doing OK, or at least as OK as possible. This is hard times for all of us, but it is what it is and nothing I can do to change things, I can only do the most I can for myself so I can be there for my kids through all this ordeal.
I was exchanging PM with coyote and he suggested I'm maybe isolating myself and that I maybe should seek your support, so that is why I'm writing all this, but in the same time I feel like I don't even need support, as there is nothing that can change what is going on and the way I feel.
Every morning I get up, put some make up on, tidy my home and wait to see is it going to be today, (as that would mean people would start coming to pay their respects).
So, this is my update, I'm just waiting for the inevitable, and than I will slowly start living again.
Thank you all for being there for me through my worse hours.
it is been a while since I've last posted here. I wish I could tell you that things are going great in my life, but unfortunatelly that is not the case.
My husband started drinking again a month ago. He is in deep denial, not admiting to himself or anyone what is going on. He has stopped taking his medications, and with his health being very poor with liver cirrhosis I don't think he is going to be alive for much longer.
Initially I kicked him out from our home again, but than I realized I'm doing it for the wrong reason, I did it because I hoped I'll get it and seek recovery again, but than I realized that is not going to happen. I feel sorry for him and I don't want him to die on the streets, homless, so I let him come back to our home. Despite everything, we had some good times, I know in my heart he did the best he could, but the disease is stronger than him. I don't want him to die alone. Living like this is not pretty, but since I stayed all these years I figure I might as well stay until the end.
Mostly I feel sad, sometimes angry, but mostly sad and empty. I've started therapy, and I'm on AD which is really helping me right now. I keep talking honestly about all that is going on with our kids, and they are doing OK, or at least as OK as possible. This is hard times for all of us, but it is what it is and nothing I can do to change things, I can only do the most I can for myself so I can be there for my kids through all this ordeal.
I was exchanging PM with coyote and he suggested I'm maybe isolating myself and that I maybe should seek your support, so that is why I'm writing all this, but in the same time I feel like I don't even need support, as there is nothing that can change what is going on and the way I feel.
Every morning I get up, put some make up on, tidy my home and wait to see is it going to be today, (as that would mean people would start coming to pay their respects).
So, this is my update, I'm just waiting for the inevitable, and than I will slowly start living again.
Thank you all for being there for me through my worse hours.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Originally Posted by sesh 
Hi my dear friends,
it is been a while since I've last posted here. I wish I could tell you that things are going great in my life, but unfortunatelly that is not the case.
My husband started drinking again a month ago. He is in deep denial, not admiting to himself or anyone what is going on. He has stopped taking his medications, and with his health being very poor with liver cirrhosis I don't think he is going to be alive for much longer.
Initially I kicked him out from our home again, but than I realized I'm doing it for the wrong reason, I did it because I hoped I'll get it and seek recovery again, but than I realized that is not going to happen. I feel sorry for him and I don't want him to die on the streets, homless, so I let him come back to our home. Despite everything, we had some good times, I know in my heart he did the best he could, but the disease is stronger than him. I don't want him to die alone. Living like this is not pretty, but since I stayed all these years I figure I might as well stay until the end.
Mostly I feel sad, sometimes angry, but mostly sad and empty. I've started therapy, and I'm on AD which is really helping me right now. I keep talking honestly about all that is going on with our kids, and they are doing OK, or at least as OK as possible. This is hard times for all of us, but it is what it is and nothing I can do to change things, I can only do the most I can for myself so I can be there for my kids through all this ordeal.
I was exchanging PM with coyote and he suggested I'm maybe isolating myself and that I maybe should seek your support, so that is why I'm writing all this, but in the same time I feel like I don't even need support, as there is nothing that can change what is going on and the way I feel.
Every morning I get up, put some make up on, tidy my home and wait to see is it going to be today, (as that would mean people would start coming to pay their respects).
So, this is my update, I'm just waiting for the inevitable, and than I will slowly start living again.
Thank you all for being there for me through my worse hours.
it is been a while since I've last posted here. I wish I could tell you that things are going great in my life, but unfortunatelly that is not the case.
My husband started drinking again a month ago. He is in deep denial, not admiting to himself or anyone what is going on. He has stopped taking his medications, and with his health being very poor with liver cirrhosis I don't think he is going to be alive for much longer.
Initially I kicked him out from our home again, but than I realized I'm doing it for the wrong reason, I did it because I hoped I'll get it and seek recovery again, but than I realized that is not going to happen. I feel sorry for him and I don't want him to die on the streets, homless, so I let him come back to our home. Despite everything, we had some good times, I know in my heart he did the best he could, but the disease is stronger than him. I don't want him to die alone. Living like this is not pretty, but since I stayed all these years I figure I might as well stay until the end.
Mostly I feel sad, sometimes angry, but mostly sad and empty. I've started therapy, and I'm on AD which is really helping me right now. I keep talking honestly about all that is going on with our kids, and they are doing OK, or at least as OK as possible. This is hard times for all of us, but it is what it is and nothing I can do to change things, I can only do the most I can for myself so I can be there for my kids through all this ordeal.
I was exchanging PM with coyote and he suggested I'm maybe isolating myself and that I maybe should seek your support, so that is why I'm writing all this, but in the same time I feel like I don't even need support, as there is nothing that can change what is going on and the way I feel.
Every morning I get up, put some make up on, tidy my home and wait to see is it going to be today, (as that would mean people would start coming to pay their respects).
So, this is my update, I'm just waiting for the inevitable, and than I will slowly start living again.
Thank you all for being there for me through my worse hours.
Dear Sesh,
I am sorry that this is happening to all of you. I am sorry that your husband has this disease. I totally support you,in not throwing him in the street, for if he were dying of cancer, it would be unthinkable to put them out with no support. I wish for better for all of you, but above all, I wish for peace and serenity, knowing that you are doing all the right things.
I am sure this is how it is if someone has a disease like cancer. The sadness, anger, hurt, depression. I keep you in prayer- all of you.
I am glad that you are here. As they say, there is not pain that cannot be lessened, when we understand and support each other , in any way that is needed.
I hope for a miracle for your husband. My heart goes out to you, and the kids too. I am sure i speak for all of us, in saying we are here for you.
hugs,
chicory
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thank you for sharing an update with us, your recovery family.
I am sending you support and encouragement.
From my personal experience with grieving, I learned that anger is a natural emotion. I needed to find healthy ways to express my anger that would not harm others. I also needed to teach my children that their anger was ok and normal. I shared with them some ideas for expressing their anger.
Prayers to you and your family.
((((Sesh))))
I am sending you support and encouragement.
From my personal experience with grieving, I learned that anger is a natural emotion. I needed to find healthy ways to express my anger that would not harm others. I also needed to teach my children that their anger was ok and normal. I shared with them some ideas for expressing their anger.
Prayers to you and your family.
((((Sesh))))
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 566
My dear Sesh,
I'm holding you close in thought, sending you warm prayers for your own well-being as you weather this storm the way that you need to. It sounds like you are taking care of yourself, and I'm so glad that coming back here is a part of that.
Know that you are thought of, often. Keep coming back...
Hugs,
posie
I'm holding you close in thought, sending you warm prayers for your own well-being as you weather this storm the way that you need to. It sounds like you are taking care of yourself, and I'm so glad that coming back here is a part of that.
Know that you are thought of, often. Keep coming back...
Hugs,
posie
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hello sesh-
i have been thinking about you and certainly noticed your absence here. i'm glad coyote encouraged you to come back. you've been missed!
i have no words of wisdom for you, other than to continue to turn it over to you HP. prayer will fortify you. sometimes in hard times, i forget to pray as i am so distraught, so i just thought i'd remind you.
sometimes it helps me to remember that there are people dying of alcohol addiction all over the world but i am not running out to save them. it helps me gain a bit of objectivity as to the emotional ties which might be keeping me stuck.
glad you're talking with a therapist.
naive
i have been thinking about you and certainly noticed your absence here. i'm glad coyote encouraged you to come back. you've been missed!
i have no words of wisdom for you, other than to continue to turn it over to you HP. prayer will fortify you. sometimes in hard times, i forget to pray as i am so distraught, so i just thought i'd remind you.
sometimes it helps me to remember that there are people dying of alcohol addiction all over the world but i am not running out to save them. it helps me gain a bit of objectivity as to the emotional ties which might be keeping me stuck.
glad you're talking with a therapist.
naive
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
Thank you all for your kind words.
This is really hard, to watch him do this to himself. My mind keeps racing thinking of the things i could do for him, save him, but I know there is nothing I can do. It is really hard to accept that.
It is obvious he has made up his mind to die. He talks rubbish all the time, and drinks more and more each day. He doesn't have any access to any of our money, but he still manages to drink.
It is just horribly painful to watch someone kill himself this way. He is like a dead man walking, only the exact time of death is not scheduled just yet, but it can happen any minute. I know it and I'm preparing myself for it, but in the same time I still can't completely believe this is happening. It is like I'm watching my life from the distance, like it is all happening to someone else.
I wish I could be nicer to him, but I can barely speak to him, and I worry I'll feel guilty for it once he is gone.
All of this is so hard, I feel like I'm drowning in sadness and emptiness.
Also, this is the hardest for me because of our kids, but in the same time I think it is a good thing they'll witness it all the way to the end, as I hope that way they'll have some kind of closure, since they have been witnessing it all these years. We spoke yesterday and they told me they understand everything, and that they know there is nothing left I can do for him. My son (7yo) asked me if dad is going to die, I said I don't know, maybe. He said: I think he will.
Sad.
This is really hard, to watch him do this to himself. My mind keeps racing thinking of the things i could do for him, save him, but I know there is nothing I can do. It is really hard to accept that.
It is obvious he has made up his mind to die. He talks rubbish all the time, and drinks more and more each day. He doesn't have any access to any of our money, but he still manages to drink.
It is just horribly painful to watch someone kill himself this way. He is like a dead man walking, only the exact time of death is not scheduled just yet, but it can happen any minute. I know it and I'm preparing myself for it, but in the same time I still can't completely believe this is happening. It is like I'm watching my life from the distance, like it is all happening to someone else.
I wish I could be nicer to him, but I can barely speak to him, and I worry I'll feel guilty for it once he is gone.
All of this is so hard, I feel like I'm drowning in sadness and emptiness.
Also, this is the hardest for me because of our kids, but in the same time I think it is a good thing they'll witness it all the way to the end, as I hope that way they'll have some kind of closure, since they have been witnessing it all these years. We spoke yesterday and they told me they understand everything, and that they know there is nothing left I can do for him. My son (7yo) asked me if dad is going to die, I said I don't know, maybe. He said: I think he will.
Sad.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
(((sesh)))
Although I'm sorry for your situation, I'm glad you came back and updated us. Alcoholism is truly a tragic disease. It affects so many people. You sound good in the midst of it, your recovery is shining
I think you're doing the right things for you and your children. You are treating their dad with dignity and respect without making excuses or covering up the situation. It is what it is, he's an A and will most likely die from his disease.
I'm glad that you're able to go to some meetings and also get some counseling. The grief can be overwhelming, and when a loved one dies slowly from a chronic illness or disease it's different than when they die suddenly from an accident etc. In this case you experience the stages of grief, or some of them, before he actually dies. You're there for him, and you're there for your children.
I went thru something similar when my dad died from heart disease. He wasn't an A, but it was still difficult to see him slipping away and know that I couldn't do anything to stop it. He struggled near the end, and I remember feeling a bit of relief when he finally died so that he wouldn't suffer anymore. And then, I had tremendous guilt because I wondered if I had been less than loving in his final days, hoping for the end to his pain.
Grief counseling helped me, as did my loving Al Anon friends.
We are here for you, holding your hand thru the scary parts.
Much love
Cats
Although I'm sorry for your situation, I'm glad you came back and updated us. Alcoholism is truly a tragic disease. It affects so many people. You sound good in the midst of it, your recovery is shining
I think you're doing the right things for you and your children. You are treating their dad with dignity and respect without making excuses or covering up the situation. It is what it is, he's an A and will most likely die from his disease.
I'm glad that you're able to go to some meetings and also get some counseling. The grief can be overwhelming, and when a loved one dies slowly from a chronic illness or disease it's different than when they die suddenly from an accident etc. In this case you experience the stages of grief, or some of them, before he actually dies. You're there for him, and you're there for your children.
I went thru something similar when my dad died from heart disease. He wasn't an A, but it was still difficult to see him slipping away and know that I couldn't do anything to stop it. He struggled near the end, and I remember feeling a bit of relief when he finally died so that he wouldn't suffer anymore. And then, I had tremendous guilt because I wondered if I had been less than loving in his final days, hoping for the end to his pain.
Grief counseling helped me, as did my loving Al Anon friends.
We are here for you, holding your hand thru the scary parts.
Much love
Cats
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by sesh
Thank you all for your kind words.
This is really hard, to watch him do this to himself. My mind keeps racing thinking of the things i could do for him, save him, but I know there is nothing I can do. It is really hard to accept that.
It is obvious he has made up his mind to die. He talks rubbish all the time, and drinks more and more each day. He doesn't have any access to any of our money, but he still manages to drink.
It is just horribly painful to watch someone kill himself this way. He is like a dead man walking, only the exact time of death is not scheduled just yet, but it can happen any minute. I know it and I'm preparing myself for it, but in the same time I still can't completely believe this is happening. It is like I'm watching my life from the distance, like it is all happening to someone else.
I wish I could be nicer to him, but I can barely speak to him, and I worry I'll feel guilty for it once he is gone.
All of this is so hard, I feel like I'm drowning in sadness and emptiness.
Also, this is the hardest for me because of our kids, but in the same time I think it is a good thing they'll witness it all the way to the end, as I hope that way they'll have some kind of closure, since they have been witnessing it all these years. We spoke yesterday and they told me they understand everything, and that they know there is nothing left I can do for him. My son (7yo) asked me if dad is going to die, I said I don't know, maybe. He said: I think he will.
Sad.
This is really hard, to watch him do this to himself. My mind keeps racing thinking of the things i could do for him, save him, but I know there is nothing I can do. It is really hard to accept that.
It is obvious he has made up his mind to die. He talks rubbish all the time, and drinks more and more each day. He doesn't have any access to any of our money, but he still manages to drink.
It is just horribly painful to watch someone kill himself this way. He is like a dead man walking, only the exact time of death is not scheduled just yet, but it can happen any minute. I know it and I'm preparing myself for it, but in the same time I still can't completely believe this is happening. It is like I'm watching my life from the distance, like it is all happening to someone else.
I wish I could be nicer to him, but I can barely speak to him, and I worry I'll feel guilty for it once he is gone.
All of this is so hard, I feel like I'm drowning in sadness and emptiness.
Also, this is the hardest for me because of our kids, but in the same time I think it is a good thing they'll witness it all the way to the end, as I hope that way they'll have some kind of closure, since they have been witnessing it all these years. We spoke yesterday and they told me they understand everything, and that they know there is nothing left I can do for him. My son (7yo) asked me if dad is going to die, I said I don't know, maybe. He said: I think he will.
Sad.
I wish I had some ES&H to share. There are lots of similarities in our stories, both our children's parents choosing alcohol over life. I'm very grateful to be 4 hours away compared to your front row seat.
I, too, don't have much to say to my "dead man walking", what's to be said that hasn't been said 100 times before? What a powerful illness to cause someone to chose alcohol and death over family and life. I've stopped trying to understand.
Please try not to feel any guilt, your mind is in self-preservation mode now, to protect itself from the pain. The watching your lives unfold from a spectators point of view is perfectly normal under the circumstances, I feel sure.
Truly heart wrenching for all involved, especially the children. Again I'm grateful LMC is being spared your boys pain, for now.
If nothing else, maybe the myth of "I'm only hurting myself" will be put in perspective for any active alcoholics reading here.
Please keep posting and reaching out here so we can help share your grief in some small way.
Sometimes the waiting for the inevitable is the worst part, I know I've often wished my axw would just get on with it already. I refuse to feel any guilt for that.
Keeping you and you kids in my prayers.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 97
Thank you for posting this, Sesh. I've never stopped wondering how things were with you, and I feared you might withdraw if your husband started drinking again.
I'm so very sorry. Please be gentle with yourself, and allow yourself the right to feel whatever feeling you have. Just as you do with your children.
1234
I'm so very sorry. Please be gentle with yourself, and allow yourself the right to feel whatever feeling you have. Just as you do with your children.
1234
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by sesh
I wish I could be nicer to him, but I can barely speak to him, and I worry I'll feel guilty for it once he is gone.
It is not unreasonable to be juggling frustration, rage, humiliation, fatigue, depression, grief all at once under these circumstances. And despite that, you are giving a space and home for your husband to process through his process, and you are supporting your children with truth and transparency.
You are actually doing an incredible job, under the circumstances. You are giving your children one of the most powerful supports they will experience in their lives. Perfect, no. But still incredible.
The guilt is negative self-speak and perhaps natural, but you can pull it out into the open and see it for what it is, and work toward releasing yourself from it.
Sending encouragement,
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Sesh))) - I'm so sorry you are going through this. I think all the emotions you're going through are totally normal, and I also agree that our minds work in "self-preservation" in times of crises and it feels like we're on auto-pilot.
I'm glad ((Coyote)) convinced you to come here. We are all here for you.
Hugs and prayers to you and your family,
Amy
I'm glad ((Coyote)) convinced you to come here. We are all here for you.
Hugs and prayers to you and your family,
Amy
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Keeping you and your family in my prayers, Sesh.
Finding compassion at a time like this just shows how your recovery is shining.
We're here and we care, so please share as often as you want.
Hugs
Finding compassion at a time like this just shows how your recovery is shining.
We're here and we care, so please share as often as you want.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: bay area, ca
Posts: 87
Sesh - I am at a loss for words. I am new here and was a lurker for a while and read a few posts from you and you came across so wise and centered. I was so hoping and praying that your story would have a great recovery story ending. I am so sorry this is not so. Lots of Prayers your way and your family way. You are so amazingly strong - doing what you are doing. Please don't forget to take care of yourself as well amidst all this.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 281
Hi Sesh,
Firstly, I'd like to say I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this and sorry your husband is dying from this insidious disease. From my perspective, as others have said, any emotion you're feeling is valid and you're bound to go through the whole gamut of emotions at this time. When I read what you wrote about "dead man walking", I felt the pain in my heart and tears came to my eyes. I've often said to my friends, it's as though my daughter's father is like a ghost who walks and I fear I will be in your shoes in the not too distant future. Thankyou for updating us with where you are at. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
Firstly, I'd like to say I'm so sorry you and your kids are going through this and sorry your husband is dying from this insidious disease. From my perspective, as others have said, any emotion you're feeling is valid and you're bound to go through the whole gamut of emotions at this time. When I read what you wrote about "dead man walking", I felt the pain in my heart and tears came to my eyes. I've often said to my friends, it's as though my daughter's father is like a ghost who walks and I fear I will be in your shoes in the not too distant future. Thankyou for updating us with where you are at. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
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