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I am an introvert because he parties

Old 11-13-2010, 08:59 PM
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I am an introvert because he parties

So, I met a friend of mine for coffee. Her husband and my exAH are close friends, drink, smoke pot together. She told me my exAH told them I was an introvert. Me, the outgoing Science teacher who makes everyone laugh??? Just because I stayed home with our son when AH went to friends to watch football and party, I am an introvert? Just because I stayed home on Saturday nights and read a book if our son was at a friend's and needed to be picked up at 11 pm by a sober parent, I am an introvert? Just because I no longer enjoyed being with my AH, I am an introvert? I teach all week, clean, do laundry on the weekend, grade papers and plan lessons and take care of my son, pay the bills, etc. I am an introvert? What the H**L? He changed the dynamic of our marriage with his alcohol addiction, now I am left sad, depressed and angry while he parties and tells other people I am an introvert. Idiot.

And then, there are times where I believe it is still my fault our marriage has ended in this separation. Why do I believe him and at the same time don't? Am I going crazy?
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Old 11-13-2010, 09:33 PM
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I needed to hear that, thanks.
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Old 11-13-2010, 10:58 PM
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What helped me in the long run was getting dettached from people who knew XABF so I could no longer hear hurtful comments, or anything at all about him. Very very hard but it is priceless to relax and talk to someone who doesn't even know about alcoholism, let alone know toxic people and hang out with them.

Perhaps he meant "adult". By now I believe that if I was not in a wet shirt contest drunk as hell unable to walk and getting in his car and do anything in bed to please him and be happy being emotionally abused- I was the most boring person on Earth.




Its stuff like this -irrational distorsions of reality- that separates a lot of couples, once one of them gets healthy enough.

Congratulations on being so strong all this time. I am glad your child has YOU.
No contact is a very wide thing for me. I am valuable and need my environment to support me. Sometimes people need drama or they don't notice how their comments hurt others. Its on us to create a safer social circle
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Old 11-14-2010, 04:00 AM
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Wow: What Rayn3drop and TakingCharge said ^^
Right on soul sisters.
I will only add that it sounds like an opportunity for boundary setting for you. The less you know about what he says and does, I believe the happier and more serene you will be.
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Old 11-14-2010, 04:42 AM
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
Wow: What Rayn3drop and TakingCharge said ^^
Right on soul sisters.
I will only add that it sounds like an opportunity for boundary setting for you. The less you know about what he says and does, I believe the happier and more serene you will be.
This is great advice, L2L.


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but quacking should never hurt me.
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Old 11-14-2010, 05:32 AM
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Absolutely, my friend did understand my point of view after we talked. She has two younger girls and didn't really see why I think the way I do with a 13 year old son to raise and be there for. Detachment is key. I tend to worry about what other people think of me and I am getting better at it, just human and I took a step backwards. The problem is I think I tend to agree with him, for some reason because I don't do alot with friends except for attending soccer games with one, the other close friend I have is a bartender at an event hall in our town (she doesn't drink) so she works weekends in the evenings but we go to movies, the bookstore, etc. together when we can. My other friend I hung out with more before the separation because both my AH and me would go to dinner with them, hang at their house while our boys and their younger children hung out too. I know I will feel like getting out and doing more as I heal too. I do have times when I think of how I can now go to hot yoga with my friend on Friday evenings when my son is at his dad's house, or maybe start taking dancing lessons, go to the Y to work out, etc. I am just dealing with so much right now, I am surprised at how much I get done at home and how much I am staying on top of my school work, then I either read books on Alcoholism, how to deal with it and my son and escape by watching mindless tv. Sounds normal for me right now. The depression that I now have because of his alcoholism and bullying only adds to the fact that I don't have energy either. So thanks for helping me see clearer once again....
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Old 11-14-2010, 05:56 AM
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You're taking care of your life. A good thing. There is an adjustment period after every divorce. More time is spent alone while you regroup. You're also a very busy person with real life stuff. Not wanting to party, and making that a low priority, so what!
I wouldn't worry about any labels or opinions of you that he has. You do your own inventory and decide where you need improvement, and recognize where you are doing just fine, or very well!
Give yourself a pat on the back for holding it together so well.
I'd finish the books on alcoholism, then toss them, and get a copy of "Codependent no more" which focuses on you and how to improve yourself and your future, instead of studying alcoholism, which is not your problem. Change the reading focus from him to you.
That's the path to living for you!
Later you can pass on the codependency no more to somebody else who needs it, and the books you read will simply be subjects you are interested in.
Looking forward to that day myself.
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Old 11-14-2010, 06:07 AM
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Ughhhhh. I am sorry to hear that.

Mine exABF made a list about me that he didn't know I found. We tried to attend counseling - he only went once and quit. But he had made a list about me of the things he didn't like I assume to talk about to the counselor. One on the list, "socialability issues." Oh was I mad. Basically because I did not enjoy hanging out with his drunk friends, I have socialability issues.

We do work in the software engineering world which is a bit stranger...but I am considered one of the most social and most popular in almost every office I've worked at - including with my ex. (We both used to work in the same office.)

I chalk it up to the alcohol in the brain.

What helped me in the long run was getting dettached from people who knew XABF so I could no longer hear hurtful comments, or anything at all about him. Very very hard but it is priceless to relax and talk to someone who doesn't even know about alcoholism, let alone know toxic people and hang out with them.
I did this. The people that we were mutually friends with AND the people that I used to work with because he still works there. They would occasionally say things like that or let things get back to me and I decided for my own mental sanity to cut them out. It was really hard because those people were like family to me.

I have spent some time keeping to myself to process everything. But now - I'm trying to find other interests that help me meet new people. Such as today I'm taking golf lessons. And I'm thinking of signing up for bowling lessons too. How social is that? lol.

And what's so social about getting with a small group of people and getting so plastered that you can't talk or sometimes even stay conscious? I've read some really good arguments about that - how it is actually "anti-social" although it still doesn't help me. I am still a little mad. I'm sure he's sitting there with his friends getting drunk and talking about my "socialability" issues. Grrrrrr.
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Old 11-14-2010, 06:21 AM
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Jack, do you see how self-conscious this one little comment this woman told you he said has made you? This is the crazymaking we allow into our lives. Because you just KNOW it was made with judgment, don't you? This is why you are not married to him anymore.

It does not MATTER if you are "introverted" or "extroverted" or ANYTHING he or anyone else thinks you are or might be. What matters is how YOU feel about YOUR life. You could be living in the side of a mountain without a single human being around for ten thousand miles, but as long as you are happy with this, who cares what anyone else thinks? You sound perfectly normal to me. You shouldn't have to feel like you have to defend yourself against him, or this woman, or anyone else for that matter.
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