Fiance of alcoholic
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
Your situation is always difficult for me...
...because there is so much to what is going on. However, you are off to a great start with your Al-Anon meeting as far as I'm concerned. If the meeting you go to doesn't feel quite right, please try six other meetings before making an assessment of Al-Anon. It's the only thing that saved me.
Having said that, my wife started drinking three years into our marriage. After the last seven years of hell I can say, unequivocally, I would never, ever, ever, even with a gun to my head, even if she were richer than God, would I marry a woman I knew to be an alcoholic.
Marrying my wife, and not divorcing her, constitutes the two biggest mistakes I have made in my entire life, and I've made some doozies. The only way I feel I could eclipse these epic blunders would be to be single again and marrry somebody I knew to be an alcoholic (and based on your description your fiance is an alcoholic-- if this was describing a woman other than your fiance, would you consider even for a second that she was not an alcoholic? I think not).
She is the total package, alcoholic included, and for the remainder of her life can be only two things-- an alcoholic, or an alcoholic in recovery. Don't romanticize the "sober" her (I used to do that with my wife, even going so far as to tell her she had multiple personalities and ask her to seek counseling, just to make excuses for her alcoholic behavior and for my continuing to take it). There is no sober her. There is just her.
If you want to strap this on then God bless you, but know that you are in for hell on earth (permanently, until she dies, or until she finds recovery). Here's the best part-- you can't control one thing about it. You can only control you.
Good luck. Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Having said that, my wife started drinking three years into our marriage. After the last seven years of hell I can say, unequivocally, I would never, ever, ever, even with a gun to my head, even if she were richer than God, would I marry a woman I knew to be an alcoholic.
Marrying my wife, and not divorcing her, constitutes the two biggest mistakes I have made in my entire life, and I've made some doozies. The only way I feel I could eclipse these epic blunders would be to be single again and marrry somebody I knew to be an alcoholic (and based on your description your fiance is an alcoholic-- if this was describing a woman other than your fiance, would you consider even for a second that she was not an alcoholic? I think not).
She is the total package, alcoholic included, and for the remainder of her life can be only two things-- an alcoholic, or an alcoholic in recovery. Don't romanticize the "sober" her (I used to do that with my wife, even going so far as to tell her she had multiple personalities and ask her to seek counseling, just to make excuses for her alcoholic behavior and for my continuing to take it). There is no sober her. There is just her.
If you want to strap this on then God bless you, but know that you are in for hell on earth (permanently, until she dies, or until she finds recovery). Here's the best part-- you can't control one thing about it. You can only control you.
Good luck. Take what you want and leave the rest.
Cyranoak
Originally Posted by danjhoff 
thanks for all the support! Sometimes I feel so alone with this. The dichotomy of the sober one I love, and the devil in the bottle. I found a local meeting for Monday. Talking with others will be so welcome.
seeking recovery
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: NSW
Posts: 171
OMG this sounds like an awful situation to be in ...I was bound by invisible handcuffs to my now ex A (was engaged to him at one stage.)
You have to SAVE YOURSELF and extricate yourself from this woman..thank GOD that you have not yet married her and had kids!!
You have to SAVE YOURSELF and extricate yourself from this woman..thank GOD that you have not yet married her and had kids!!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: British Columbia, Canada
Posts: 1,149
It sounds like you are engaged to my ex wife lol.
Seriously though she was sweet as pie when sober but got extremley violent when drunk which was happening more and more frequently.
She attacked me with a knife more than once,and knocked me out with an empty bottle another time.. I had to get 23 stiches to my face and lips one night when she slashed me with a broken glass.
I guess it didnt really help much that I was also a budding alcoholic at the time.
This was many years ago but I did wisen up and split.. and filed for a divorce.
That just made her really go psycho.
She ended up stalking me for a few years after that.....she found out where I was working and would hang out in front of the business waiting for me.
She also flattened the tires on my car and motorcycle, and threw a rock through my bedroom window.
I was absolutley terrified this nutcase would murder me, but she eventually found some other poor 'victim. ...and forgot about me.
My advice to you is to get out NOW. Do not marry this woman. Hightail it out of there as fast as you can.
Seriously though she was sweet as pie when sober but got extremley violent when drunk which was happening more and more frequently.
She attacked me with a knife more than once,and knocked me out with an empty bottle another time.. I had to get 23 stiches to my face and lips one night when she slashed me with a broken glass.
I guess it didnt really help much that I was also a budding alcoholic at the time.
This was many years ago but I did wisen up and split.. and filed for a divorce.
That just made her really go psycho.
She ended up stalking me for a few years after that.....she found out where I was working and would hang out in front of the business waiting for me.
She also flattened the tires on my car and motorcycle, and threw a rock through my bedroom window.
I was absolutley terrified this nutcase would murder me, but she eventually found some other poor 'victim. ...and forgot about me.
My advice to you is to get out NOW. Do not marry this woman. Hightail it out of there as fast as you can.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
The VA has extended their professional support. The next move is in her hands.
the next move is in YOUR hands.
cyanoaks is right. she will always be an alcoholic or an alcoholic in recovery. and if you read more here, both scenerios come with a lot of difficulty for the spouse.
the fact that she calls the police and lies is not good. you've already been in jail 3 times. i know of a woman who ripped her own hair out, report domestic abuse and the man was charged. they are crazy with the drink.
it would be good if you started thinking about yourself. a criminal record is not a good thing to go thru life with. it makes getting jobs difficult. plus, she might actually hurt you while you are sleeping one of these nights.
please consider all the advice here and don't marry her. once you marry her, you will be legally responsible if she does something crazy, like smash a car. you will be liable for her debt and alcoholics burn through money.
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