Go Back  SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information > Friends and Family > Friends and Family of Alcoholics
Reload this Page >

Long Term relationship with a newly recovering addict - help needed

Blogs


Notices

Long Term relationship with a newly recovering addict - help needed

Old 11-08-2010, 11:33 AM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Brandon, Florida
Posts: 6
Long Term relationship with a newly recovering addict - help needed

Hey there.. I have been a relationship with my A for about 6 years. We met as kids and I knew his behaviour wasnt normal but again we were young and I guess I justified it or chaulked it down to us partying. As the years went on we were on and off, partially because he had moved 4 hours away. I wasnt to well aware of how severe his problem was. I moved here about 2 years ago. It was then I realized how bad it really has gotten, he moved in right away and went from working to not working, ALWAYS drinking. I realize at the time I was and am (I beleive) the definition of enabler. I put up with it for a year and left him for 5 months. Packed everything and left, at this point his behaviour got violent and distructive to himself and myself. During the 5 months we kept in touch, the one thing I do know is he does love me, how I do not know yet, but I know he does, and so in talks I decided to move back into the area (which i grew to love, its affordable, I can make good money and I was happier here in the first place). We didnt jump right back into the relationship and so right now we live seperatly, I beleive cause we have roommates. He did not give up the drinking and so I gave up and walked. I guess he drank himself into oblivian, got into a fight, and almost killed himself witht he drink. He called me saying he needed help. I went over there and begged him to stop and he has now for almost 2 months. Now in these years I have learned you can not change someone, they have to want the change, and I learned alot of things these past years in being with him, all I know I can do is encourage him to be the man he wants to be, its all I can do. Now that he is not drinking he seems to hate me. He even has told me he is losing feelings on the relationship. That I complain to much, or I do alot for him, but apparently its not enough, he is just very selfish. After reading posts and so on, I notice this is normal behaviour for someone so new to recovery. I even presented to him, if he needed a break if it would help with recovery (which I dont want to do, but I want to see him recover from this, he is 29 and i am 31, we both want a family and so on but obviously cant do that now), I try EVERYTHING, he also hasnt gone to his AA in 3 weeks. I am going tonight to my first Al- Anon, mainly cause I need help, He is making me feel alot of things are my fault ad has even told me I would be the one to drive him back to drinking. If I withdraw and try to take a step back, than he automatically thinks I am trying to break it off or be detached, if I try to fix the arguement or solve the problem, im at fault. Its anything I do, and his out bursts are getting so angry, not violent, but i mean real good outbursts. This sometimes I wonder is harder than the drinking in itself. I want to help him, I dont want to loose him, I do love him and through the years he is and was my best friend. We met because his sister was actually and is still my closest friend as well. Its been years and I have stood by him every step of the way, the times he quit to the times he relapsed. I know what I did in the past is enabling but I have gone to the end and back for him. Him acting like this is messing me up emotionally as well, I feel so down about us, I feel jipped, I feel worn, and most fo all confused. I am worried about him and making sure he doesnt relapse, he is so proud of himself, but he is also very stubborn and feels everything else in his life is good now but us. I cant seem to talk to him, whenever I do the convo gets reversed and in the end I wind up feeling, alone, beat up and bitter, used. I do not know what to do or where to go from here. Like I said I love him with all my heart and when no one else wanted to deal or help, gave up on him, even his own family, I stood there, now its like everyone else is best and I am knocked out of the ring, even our sex life has dwindled into something I dont even know how to except (we were always very active). I dont want to walk away after so many years invested into the relationship and so many years invested into him and helping him get it right, he has admitted many times before without me he may not even be alive, it just seems the past few weeks this is all null and void. He even flipped on me today over him spilling coffee, turning into my fault, turning into him hating his life, turning into its good he is going out to his brothers, we need a break, to everything is all me, AGAIN. WHAT DO I DO???????? He says now its cause he remembers things, our fights, before he was drunk and didnt... Could what he be saying is true? Do relationships often split during this time? Should I stop tryiong for us? I am willing to give him the time he needs, but he will go from wanting to get me a ring for xmas to hating my guts, I tell you sometimes I enter a room and I can feel the hatred.. I just sit and cry, Alot, I feel so alone in this with him, I feel like the bad guy.. his family isnt educated on these things (obviously) so I dont know what they are telling him, but the things he says just arent him, like I said everything is Null and void now. I am so heart broken. I am at a lose at this point, losing him scares me, we have been thru hell and back, years... I dont know what to do. For everyone who read this and wrote back I do thank you. I really can use the adivse.
Andrea831 is offline  
Old 11-08-2010, 11:46 AM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Adrea, I hope you don't mind, but I've broken your post up into shorter paragraphs. It's difficult for some of us to read a long post that runs together. I'll respond to you after I have re-read your post.

Originally Posted by Andrea831 View Post
Hey there.. I have been a relationship with my A for about 6 years. We met as kids and I knew his behaviour wasnt normal but again we were young and I guess I justified it or chaulked it down to us partying.

As the years went on we were on and off, partially because he had moved 4 hours away. I wasnt to well aware of how severe his problem was. I moved here about 2 years ago. It was then I realized how bad it really has gotten, he moved in right away and went from working to not working, ALWAYS drinking.

I realize at the time I was and am (I beleive) the definition of enabler. I put up with it for a year and left him for 5 months. Packed everything and left, at this point his behaviour got violent and distructive to himself and myself. During the 5 months we kept in touch, the one thing I do know is he does love me, how I do not know yet, but I know he does, and so in talks I decided to move back into the area (which i grew to love, its affordable, I can make good money and I was happier here in the first place).

We didnt jump right back into the relationship and so right now we live seperatly, I beleive cause we have roommates. He did not give up the drinking and so I gave up and walked. I guess he drank himself into oblivian, got into a fight, and almost killed himself witht he drink. He called me saying he needed help. I went over there and begged him to stop and he has now for almost 2 months.

Now in these years I have learned you can not change someone, they have to want the change, and I learned alot of things these past years in being with him, all I know I can do is encourage him to be the man he wants to be, its all I can do. Now that he is not drinking he seems to hate me. He even has told me he is losing feelings on the relationship. That I complain to much, or I do alot for him, but apparently its not enough, he is just very selfish.

After reading posts and so on, I notice this is normal behaviour for someone so new to recovery. I even presented to him, if he needed a break if it would help with recovery (which I dont want to do, but I want to see him recover from this, he is 29 and i am 31, we both want a family and so on but obviously cant do that now), I try EVERYTHING, he also hasnt gone to his AA in 3 weeks.

I am going tonight to my first Al- Anon, mainly cause I need help, He is making me feel alot of things are my fault ad has even told me I would be the one to drive him back to drinking. If I withdraw and try to take a step back, than he automatically thinks I am trying to break it off or be detached, if I try to fix the arguement or solve the problem, im at fault. Its anything I do, and his out bursts are getting so angry, not violent, but i mean real good outbursts.

This sometimes I wonder is harder than the drinking in itself. I want to help him, I dont want to loose him, I do love him and through the years he is and was my best friend. We met because his sister was actually and is still my closest friend as well. Its been years and I have stood by him every step of the way, the times he quit to the times he relapsed. I know what I did in the past is enabling but I have gone to the end and back for him.

Him acting like this is messing me up emotionally as well, I feel so down about us, I feel jipped, I feel worn, and most fo all confused. I am worried about him and making sure he doesnt relapse, he is so proud of himself, but he is also very stubborn and feels everything else in his life is good now but us. I cant seem to talk to him, whenever I do the convo gets reversed and in the end I wind up feeling, alone, beat up and bitter, used.

I do not know what to do or where to go from here. Like I said I love him with all my heart and when no one else wanted to deal or help, gave up on him, even his own family, I stood there, now its like everyone else is best and I am knocked out of the ring, even our sex life has dwindled into something I dont even know how to except (we were always very active).

I dont want to walk away after so many years invested into the relationship and so many years invested into him and helping him get it right, he has admitted many times before without me he may not even be alive, it just seems the past few weeks this is all null and void.

He even flipped on me today over him spilling coffee, turning into my fault, turning into him hating his life, turning into its good he is going out to his brothers, we need a break, to everything is all me, AGAIN. WHAT DO I DO????????

He says now its cause he remembers things, our fights, before he was drunk and didnt... Could what he be saying is true? Do relationships often split during this time? Should I stop tryiong for us? I am willing to give him the time he needs, but he will go from wanting to get me a ring for xmas to hating my guts, I tell you sometimes I enter a room and I can feel the hatred.. I just sit and cry, Alot, I feel so alone in this with him, I feel like the bad guy.. his family isnt educated on these things (obviously) so I dont know what they are telling him, but the things he says just arent him, like I said everything is Null and void now.

I am so heart broken. I am at a lose at this point, losing him scares me, we have been thru hell and back, years... I dont know what to do. For everyone who read this and wrote back I do thank you. I really can use the adivse.
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
Tally (11-08-2010)
Old 11-08-2010, 11:50 AM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Brandon, Florida
Posts: 6
Im sorry and do appreciate it... I am new to the forum but glad to know this! Next time I will do this! I do appreciate your replies though, much needed!
Andrea831 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Andrea831 For This Useful Post:
wicked (11-09-2010)
Old 11-08-2010, 11:53 AM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
Seems to me that he's using an awful lot of emotional blackmail to keep you feeling stuck.

Just because you have years invested with him, doesn't mean you should invest even more into something that is not working and makes you unhappy. Especially if he is violent.
Tally is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Tally For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (11-09-2010)
Old 11-08-2010, 11:58 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
nodaybut2day's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Quebec
Posts: 2,708
Thank you Freedom for those paragraphs!

Andrea...can I ask you what you're getting out of this relationship? you speak about this relationship as if it was a mutual fund or an RSP portfolio (i.e. "don't want to walk away after investing all this time and energy into him"). Walking away won't make you less of a person, and it won't negate what happened in the past. If you hang out on SR and read other people's posts, you'll discover that some SR members have been with their alcoholic spouses for decades...in the end, it didn't matter how much time, love and energy went into their marriage/relationship.

The fact of the matter is:

You didn't CAUSE the drinking
You cant' CURE the drinking
You can't CONTROL the drinking.

No matter what you do or say, he will do what he wants. You simply aren't powerful enough to control him. The only power you have is over yourself. So, what do YOU want out of life? Where do you see yourself in a year? In 5 years? How will you get there?

The point of Al-Anon and SR to a very real extent is to shift the focus OFF the addict and onto the single most important person in your life: you.

I hope you keep reading and posting here as much as you like. SR is always open.
nodaybut2day is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to nodaybut2day For This Useful Post:
seekingcalm (11-09-2010), SteppingUp (11-08-2010), wicked (11-09-2010)
Old 11-08-2010, 12:00 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
No problem! Welcome to SR, Andrea.

Good for you on attending Alanon! There you will find face-to-face support among people who understand. I highly encourage you to attend on a regular basis to start your own recovery from the effects of his alcoholism.

There are 3 C's to remember, dear:
You didn't cause his alcoholism.
You can't control his alcoholism.
You can't cure his alcoholism.

His recovery is just that, his recovery.

If he relapses, he relapses.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It only gets worse, never better, if left untreated.

Please get your hands on a book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It was a real eye-opener for me.

I had to leave my EXAH because his alcoholism and addictions were out of control. He went through rehab, and chose to go back to drinking/using.

Please do keep posting, and know that you are among friends.
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
SteppingUp (11-08-2010)
Old 11-08-2010, 12:11 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Brandon, Florida
Posts: 6
Thats my biggest problem.. I am always joked about as being the "helper" and so on. I see a problem and want it fixed, I think its why I stuck it out so long. I realized a long time ago I couldnt change him, or control his drinking, and I had to turn my back, it hurt but I did it, for my own well being. I think whats hurts the most is now that he is sober its as if he is the same person, it amazes me what he does and says and I always thought he did or said these things cause he was drunk, but Im learning its the same behaviour... A hard learning expeierence for me, and whats hurting is thinking that being in recovery, giving it up, things would get better, not worse.. I feel like it all fell apart, my hopes and dreams as well.

I am willing to walk with him on this road but its hard when I feel like im the punching bag. Im finding everything he blames me for is the things I think he is feeling, guilt or the perfect example is the punching bag. He tells me he is my punching bag! I dont even bring my problems to him anymore and if I do I talk to him about it. I know I am not perfect by all means, but I know I cant be at fault ALL the time.. Its taking away my selfworth and I find myself second guessing myself to often.

I hope you didnt think what I wrote was in the aspect of controlling him, he can do what he wants, and I understand peoples marriages after decades fell apart too, many dreams and hope crushed. I just realize I have become a mess.

I guess is this behaviour temporary or just something I am going to have to learn to deal with? does it get better? I know I need to focus on myself and am going to my first Al-anon today at 6:30.. I am excited actually.. but is there ways to speak to him without it being a blow up? I just dont think walking on eggshells is too easy especially when I dont know what move to make next.. call or not call, text or not text..

And his violence actually happened twice... not that it is justified, not at all, nor do i allow him to forget it when things get out of control, it weas also off two bottles of Jack and than some. It was a long time ago, he hasnt gotten violent in a long time, we now walk away from one another in fights..

I didnt have a problem, or maybe I did with the drink, but I havent drank in almost 3 months. I drank as much as any party girl did, and than a few years ago it just started to dwindle. I do not drink anymore, mainly because of what I have been thru with him, the minute I see liquor my stomach hurts, I also feel guilty and mad now.. its been MONTHS since I drank and when I did than it was a few drinks, so even in that aspect I try to help him, it is never in my home. ( i dont know if that matters LOL)

Freedom I hope this was better and thank you!
Andrea831 is offline  
Old 11-08-2010, 12:15 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Brandon, Florida
Posts: 6
Thank you guys and freedom I have that book! After I left him, I went to a few Coda meetings, I realized this was a problem for me, but like a idiot I stopped going. My depression at the time grew so great it was hard to function. The meetings left me feeling strong though and regret it now

As for Al anon I am excited to go. I went to one before in a different town, again when I left him, but again didn't go back. I guess I have to learn more so that it is his recovery, and I need to be in mine. I just dont want the relationship to fail, I do love him very much. But again, you guys are right, what am I getting out of it? The few moments they are good? Maybe it is his desire for the need for me.. I dont know, I know I have things to work on, especially after years of being in this relationship, again I teeter on the fear of losing him and the relationship.

I feel pathetic.
Andrea831 is offline  
Old 11-08-2010, 12:21 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Andrea, I am a recovering alcoholic/addict as well as a recovering codependent.

The drinking is only a symptom.

What you are seeing now is someone who isn't drinking, but still has the same mindset of an active alcoholic.

My disease is threefold-physical, emotional, and spiritual.

I had to address all three areas to live in the solution, and become the person I am today.

You don't deserve to be his emotional punching bag. If he truly wants recovery, he will do whatever it takes, and he will assume responsibility for his actions and behaviors.

Right now I see no recovery with him from what you have posted so far.

There's a huge difference between abstinence and true sobriety.
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
wicked (11-09-2010)
Old 11-08-2010, 12:31 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Brandon, Florida
Posts: 6
Freedom your right, and you cleared up some thoughts. He gets full of this pride that he doesnt need the "help" or where his "bads" are and I keep encouraging him to go to AA again. He thinks just by giving it up is all he needs, but he doesn't seem to get that he needs help emotionally. He has ALOT of issues he needs to be cleared up. Oddly enough, he LOVED AA, it is held at the church he grew up and his brother became a deacon in.

He thinks this is all it takes to being sober. Being someone who partied alot, and probably more than I should of, I fell into times where I had to step out of the box and realize the substances I used were getting out of control, my problem was drugs.

I didn't go to AA and NA, maybe I should of, but i put it down and didnt look back. I crave things but its been so long, i mean years, I push the thought out of my mind. You are right though, there is a difference, and my worst thought is because of this reason, I am afraid he WILL relapse.

He told me this morning, its the taste of wanting the Jack, cause once he tastes the Jack nothing else matters. I didn't realize how hard it is on him, but when is walking on eggshells enabling and how long before I go crazy too? Than I think to the times, I happen to smell coke... so I try to understand... but I wasnt so far deep as him, he has drank for about 14 years, so badly i thought thru his withdrawals he was going to die. I was so scared. It hurts going thru it all with him, and now I am nothing. Its so frustrating!
Andrea831 is offline  
Old 11-08-2010, 12:36 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: England
Posts: 741
I had exactly the same experience. MY exA stopped drinking after my staying with him for 5 years but 2 years later nothing had changed. Yes, he's stopped drinking but he was still the same person, still selfish to the core, still out for himself, still a liar, still would say anything for an easy life, still a user. I spent another 2 years being patient and thinking recovery takes time...truth is though all he had done was stop drinking, there was no recovery. I had to cut myself off completely in the end just to allow my head to be in some sort of sane order.
Tally is offline  
Old 11-08-2010, 12:42 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Brandon, Florida
Posts: 6
Thank you Tally, its posts like that, that made me want to write in the first place. I notice these things and he seems to think he has done his part, he quit drinking. And yet I still catch him little lies or having the same behaviour. It shocked me, I even brought it to his attention.

Part of me is afraid to bring these things up because I dont want to force him to drink again, or drive him to drink is the best way to say it. I dont want to be any reason to it. I am afraid to bring anything up because of that, but I know its not healthy, he has to learn how to deal with real life now, I try to tell him that. Its sad... He is and has been such a good guy, but this behaviour is like crazy. I think at times his out bursts are worse than when he drank. he is just so angry.
Andrea831 is offline  
Old 11-08-2010, 12:57 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Freedom1990's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Andrea831 View Post
Part of me is afraid to bring these things up because I dont want to force him to drink again, or drive him to drink is the best way to say it. I dont want to be any reason to it. I am afraid to bring anything up because of that...
I guess my question now would be what are you getting out of having contact with him at this point?

If he drinks, he drinks. If you were powerful enough to drive him to drink, you'd certainly powerful enough to get him into real recovery, no?

Personally I can't be, and refuse to be around angry toxic people, period.
Freedom1990 is offline  
The Following 2 Users Say Thank You to Freedom1990 For This Useful Post:
nodaybut2day (11-08-2010), wicked (11-09-2010)
Old 11-09-2010, 02:35 AM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,047
Good God Andrea...

You don't have a damn thing to do with his drinking. He's got you so wrapped around his little finger that you don't know up from down. He manipulates you with guilt, "love," and anything else he can and you accept that it's you not him? Good Lord. Alcoholics lie and manipulate better than anybody else on earth (including psychopaths). Often they don't even know they are doing it. It's like breathing to them.

YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM DRINK. YOU CANNOT FORCE HIM TO DRINK. YOU DON'T HAVE THAT POWER. STOP FOCUSING ON HIM. FOCUS ON YOU.

Go to Al-Anon. Go to Al-Anon. Go to Al-Anon. Read Codependant No More. Read Codependant No More. Read Codependant No More.

You're killing me Andrea.

Originally Posted by Andrea831 View Post
Thank you Tally, its posts like that, that made me want to write in the first place. I notice these things and he seems to think he has done his part, he quit drinking. And yet I still catch him little lies or having the same behaviour. It shocked me, I even brought it to his attention.

Part of me is afraid to bring these things up because I dont want to force him to drink again, or drive him to drink is the best way to say it. I dont want to be any reason to it. I am afraid to bring anything up because of that, but I know its not healthy, he has to learn how to deal with real life now, I try to tell him that. Its sad... He is and has been such a good guy, but this behaviour is like crazy. I think at times his out bursts are worse than when he drank. he is just so angry.
Cyranoak is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Cyranoak For This Useful Post:
bookwyrm (11-09-2010), brokenheartfool (11-09-2010), seekingcalm (11-09-2010)
Old 11-09-2010, 02:57 AM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 344
Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
You don't have a damn thing to do with his drinking. He's got you so wrapped around his little finger that you don't know up from down. He manipulates you with guilt, "love," and anything else he can and you accept that it's you not him? Good Lord. Alcoholics lie and manipulate better than anybody else on earth (including psychopaths). Often they don't even know they are doing it. It's like breathing to them.

YOU CANNOT MAKE HIM DRINK. YOU CANNOT FORCE HIM TO DRINK. YOU DON'T HAVE THAT POWER. STOP FOCUSING ON HIM. FOCUS ON YOU.

Go to Al-Anon. Go to Al-Anon. Go to Al-Anon. Read Codependant No More. Read Codependant No More. Read Codependant No More.

You're killing me Andrea.
I'm a newbie to alanon. The above post though seems to have nailed this situation on the head to bear repeating it. So read it twice or a thousand times.
Dry drunk is what he is.
He's not drinking, but he hasn't addressed the issues that made him a drunk in the first place. It's no accident he became a drunk. There's a direct correlation between becoming a drunk and having issues underneath the drink.
brokenheartfool is offline  
Old 11-09-2010, 06:41 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 625
Andrea,
All of the hatred he is spewing at you reflects how he feels about himself.

Go to alanon, walk away from him. He will do or not do whatever he will or won't. You have absolutely no control here. I was my ex abf's saviour, and then snap, I was the enemy.

Nothing is worth allowing yourself to go slowly insane.

Take care of YOU.
seekingcalm is offline  
Old 11-09-2010, 07:49 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
Yuck. He sounds toxic to me. I have been in relationships like that too. Several. Horrible times in my life. Sick people make me sick too. Mentally ill. I go no where in my life when I am involved with people like that.

The best predictor of future behavior, Andrea, is past behavior. What you have gotten all these years is what you will get in the future. Are you happy with what you've gotten?
Learn2Live is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 05:44 AM.