Fiance of alcoholic

Old 11-07-2010, 10:28 AM
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Unhappy Fiance of alcoholic

Hello folks. I am a fiance of an alcoholic. We have been living together for a year and are looking to a spring wedding.
Every 2 or 3 days she will drink 2 to 3 bottles of wine, 12 to 18 bottles of beer, many margaritas or a combination thereof. She starts drinking late afternoon and will do so until about 4am. Typically phoning friends and family all night and if they don't play along, she tries to wake me up with provoking statements, attempting to instigate a fight. I often repair to a guest bedroom and lock the door, trying to isolate myself from the abuse. I treat her like a gentleman all day, making breakfast in bed for her, cleaning house and catering to her needs. When she is drinking she paints me as a liar, abuser and philanderer as she talks to 'friends' on the phone.
Lately she has been driving to the convenience store to buy more beer. twice i had to call 911 and report her driving very drunk. Several times she has called the police and falsely reported that i abused her. three times i ended up in jail.
I have tried with her true friends to get her to get help. all backfired with months of retribution.
Last night i retired only to have her wake me (12:30am) demanding my phone because her cell battery was dead. I switched batteries with her and went back to bed. She then started a tirade claiming i had something to hide. She then called friends, help lines and the cell company making outragious claims against me. About 1:30am i went to the guest room and locked the door. The office door was closed and because the old lock was jammed she thought i was in there. She demanded i let her in. Because i was in another part of the house i didn't respond. I woke this morning to discover the office door was battered down with a block of fire wood. She continues to blame me and said she will batter any door down in the house if i try to hide from her again.
She said she will lie to the police to have me taken away.
i am so tired and frightened.
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Old 11-07-2010, 10:31 AM
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Time to concentrate on getting yourself free of this toxic person perhaps?
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Old 11-07-2010, 11:06 AM
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I'm no angel!
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Well if it were me, I'd get the heck out of Dodge

This is a toxic relationship, unless she jumps feet first into recovery, there will never be any peace.

Please read all the stickys, read others posts, get your hands on Codependent No More and keep posting it will help.
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Old 11-07-2010, 11:53 AM
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After living in that kind of chaos with STBEXAH for the last three years, I would say dettach now and certainly don't get married. Hopefully, she will find recovery. Definitely read Codependent no More, it really puts things into perspective.
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Old 11-07-2010, 11:56 AM
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Dear Danjhoff, I think you already know that "You don't have a problem. You have a solution you don't like." Why the heck are you still with this crazy alcoholic? And don't tell me because you love her! She obviously doesn't love herself, so what fantasia you are in love with is NOT reality. Our minds and emotions are powerful manipulaters. I think you already know what you MUST DO! Don't procasinate thinking things will be getting better. You must separate your emotions from your logic.

I strongly recommend ASAP you contact the Family Crisis Center of your local police department. By what you have described you have enough evidence to have your domestic partner involuntarily committed into a rehab program. Don't wait for your situation to escalate any further. The end results can be very tragic. If by any chance this doesn't work out, remove yourself by any reasonable means from this violent situation.

First things first! After you have removed yourself from this toxic situation, you can start working on your own recovery program. No one deserves to live under your described violence!

I hope to see more posts from you! A lot of us here have lived it, learned from it, and survived!

******************************:ghug3************** ****************

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
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Old 11-07-2010, 12:18 PM
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Welcome danjhoff! Sorry you are going through this. As hard as it is to hear, the people here have all been through it and have some great advice. I am just starting to spend less time with my ABF who will probably soon be my EX. We were talking about marriage. After the way the past year has gone I can't imagine being married to him.

You need to take care of yourself and ask why you want to stay in this relationship and also if you want to be married to this person.

Keep posting!
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Old 11-07-2010, 12:57 PM
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((((danjhoff)))) So glad you've found us. Please read the stickies at the top of the forum, especially the abuse ones. Because you are being abused. Can you find out the number of your local domestic violence service? Is there someone you can speak to in real life about this? You need to get yourself to a place of safety, then you can be protected and get some rest. This is a dangerous situation for you and you need to take a deep breath and take a step towards some help to get you out of there. Post on here too, because there is a wealth of knowledge on these boards.

My heart goes out to you.
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Old 11-07-2010, 01:10 PM
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Please leave as fast as you can or have her removed if it is your home.

Do you need to be in the house.
Could you stay with friends or family?

Do you have a video recorder? Could you film her when she is drunk and ranting to gather evidence. Could you take a photo of the battered door to keep as evidence, noting times and dates?

What an earth do her family and friends say when they have to waste time on the phone conversing with a drunken slob? Why are none of them stating that if she is smashed she does not ring them. If she does then they will terminate the phonecall.

Can you confide in anyone, who may give her a straight talking to when she is sober? Her parents, siblings or joint friends? That might just stun her into changing her nasty attitude.

She is bullying you and you do not deserve to be her slave during the day and her punchbag on an evening. You also deserve a peaceful nights sleep without her waking you and ranting. Could you check into a hotel for a night, perhaps without telling her when she is drunk and leaving her on her own.

I would certainly not be taking her breakfast in bed. Get her to get her hungover, ungrateful backside out of bed and make it herself. If you are running around after her all day, she's not going to realise that her behaviour is a problem.

Why are you staying?

Please, please come back and keep us informed that you are safe.

Take lots of care

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Old 11-07-2010, 01:19 PM
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Wow, why are you still planning a wedding?
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Old 11-07-2010, 02:12 PM
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get it, give it, grow in it
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" we are looking to a spring wedding"

Of all the plans you could be making, it appears this is not the one that makes any
kind of sense.
You could instead focus on your own situation and how to make things right in your life regardless of what your fiance is willing to do. You have the power to stop the insanity for yourself. You just have to be ready to make changes,
Whether Your fiance changes or not.
Why are you living like this ?
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Old 11-07-2010, 02:54 PM
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what is your self worth...??
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Old 11-07-2010, 03:26 PM
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Hello all
I appreciate your thoughtful responses and I am reflecting on the body of experience and care from which they were written.
Thanks for your support as I make difficult decisions.
Her family and friends are worn thin. The VA has extended their professional support. The next move is in her hands.
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Old 11-07-2010, 04:30 PM
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Hi Danjhoff.
Have you thought about going to an Al-Anon meeting? It was very helpful to me when I was engaged to an alcoholic crack addict.
Here is a link to their website that will help you locate a meeting close to you: How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
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Old 11-07-2010, 04:34 PM
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great idea. I will look into it
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Old 11-07-2010, 04:42 PM
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alcoholism is progressive.

abuse is progressive.

they both just get worse.
I wouldn't want to be on that honeymoon!
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Old 11-07-2010, 05:09 PM
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When AH started ranting and going crazy, I started taping him doing this on my cellphone. He had no idea. I figured if I had to use it against him for an order of protection, then I had it all recorded. Now that he's been arrested for domestic violence, I have evidence of the insanity that I have lived with.
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Old 11-07-2010, 05:19 PM
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welcome to sober recovery. feel free to post here just as often as you like. i find that sometimes i gain perspective just from the exercise of writing things down.

we are here to support you, assist you in finding your truth. welcome.
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Old 11-07-2010, 05:24 PM
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thanks for all the support! Sometimes I feel so alone with this. The dichotomy of the sober one I love, and the devil in the bottle. I found a local meeting for Monday. Talking with others will be so welcome.
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Old 11-07-2010, 05:27 PM
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Please do be careful so that you don't wind up with a felony...
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Old 11-07-2010, 05:37 PM
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Danjhoff, I'm worried for your safety being in the same home as this woman. Even if it seems like you're in love when she isn't abusing you, that isn't love. She is so deep in her addiction that she can't possibly be in love with anyone or anything other than alcohol. Men can absolutely be abused too and it's just as bad as when a woman is abused. Please take care of yourself. She is worth the help if she chooses to seek recovery, but you are worth it too.
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