jackthedog

no, he doesn't but how do I stop his father from doing that?

4mylittleones

You fight for custody of your child. Why do you assume 1/2 time is the only option?

seekingcalm

true, equally shared time does not have to be the only option.

If your ex is an alcoholic, it won't matter what he promises, he may not keep it.

I would speak to my lawyer about this. It may be possible that your son is old enough to have some input here too. Your son can spend some quality time with his dad every other weekend, or even every Saturday, for example, without having his whole week disrupted with all the going back and forth.

Just my opinion.

jackthedog

My son sent a text to his dad to ask him if he could come to see him on Monday and visit every other week. I will talk to my son again. He told me he didn't want to talk about it face to face, it is all so new to him.

seekingcalm

It's very hard, I know.
Now that I remember, my daughter was 16 when her dad and I separated, and it was hard for her to verbalize what she wanted.

I suggested she have the opportunity to speak with a therapist about it all, and she liked that idea. It helped her to be able to say whatever she wanted to about both of us in confidence, and to be validated. Took a lot of pressure off me as well, trying to get it all right.

I wish you the best. Your son is fortunate to have a mom that is so caring of his feelings.

LucyA

Jackthedog, something my solicitor recently said to me about contact issues with my nephew and his nutty aunt might be relelvant to you and your son.
She said that I had to show I was protecting him, and be able to prove that I was,because others will be doing their best to show I'm not and will have solicitors helping them prove it.
I know it's all too easy to get sucked into thinking 'the other one' (in my case this is the nutty aunt) should have some say, or some rights, and really the kids should see them because they are family.
Well, sorry but that's just not right. If it benefits the child to see them then fair enough, but if it's just to make us feel better that they still have family contact because they just should it's very wrong. As parents we have a responsibility for the childrens welfare, and their welfare should be paramount.
If there is any risk to your child, either physical, say from drunk driving, or mental, for example manipulation or abuse then please think twice about giving your ex so much unsupervised contact.
It may seem like the easier option, but would you ever forgive yourself if something happened that could be prevented by a bit of juggling and jiggling?
You'll find a way, there is always a way to get around a problem.

jackthedog

I am also suggesting to AH that son be with him from Sunday morning until Wednesday, then with me from Wednesday to Sunday am. My friend made a point to me today in that my AH does not drink everyday, that I know of, and he can put off his drinking if he wishes. I am taking all of this into consideration, believe me. Just putting more thoughts out there.......love you all!

4mylittleones

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. No telling when, but the drinking will increase.

smacked

You're expecting that an active alcoholic will stay sober 4 days a week to parent your son, when he can't even parent him due to a fishing trip?? Come on now. You trust this!?? You trust this man with your son's wellbeing?

LucyA

I make a point also as a friend,
you have a child between you,
if you quite happily give up this child to an alcoholic for half a week, what does that say to that child? You weren't willing to live with him but it's ok for your son to do so?
I have kids, I'm a single parent of 3 boys, 13, 14 and 16, the youngest is my nephew, the son of 2 alcoholics, he came to stay with me for a break from his dad, almost 3 years ago and he never went back.

It would be so easy to do what 'everyone else' thinks we 'should' do.
Easy to think, well, it's his Dad surely it's ok
You're his mother, do what you think is right, but just in case something comes up in the future, document everything, when he goes to his dad, when he doesnt and reasons why, but only the truth, for example 'Dad turned up drunk in the car so I didn't allow son to go with him, told him to come back sober' write it in a diary, with dates and times.
This is what I've been advised in UK law but surely it can't do any harm to you have all that evidence!

He may be able to put his drinking off, but if he's being handed everything on a plate why would he bother?

Learn2Live

It's hard, I know, I've watched so many people go thru this (friends, family, BFs). Something my friend said to me recently, though, hit home since my BF is recently divorced and has kids: Remember it's gonna take a while for EVERYBODY to get used to being separated and/or divorced. So try to be patient and remember you'll try things out and maybe they'll work, maybe they won't. Try not to get too frustrated and just adjust, try something different. There are no right or wrong answers here, only what works for you three. Take care. (((hugs)))

LucyA

If he wasn't your childs father, would you leave your child with him?

jackthedog

My best friend's son is a heroin addict and gets visitations with his children, even over night! In our state it is difficult to prove alcoholism if there are no prior events with the law.

Cyranoak

I wish I had said this. It hits the nail on the head. I will now use an emoticon even though I usually find them silly.

Cyranoak

...it's reality in your own words. See them. See them!

LucyA

Difficult is not impossible.

naive

hi jackthedog-

well, i just read all of your posts. from what you have described, your AH is abusing both pot and alcohol. it also sounds like he goes to his friend's house to watch football matches and then drives home?

he wants to parent his son, who some nights he doesn't even say hello to. the times you have left your son in his care, he has left the boy with friends and then was unable to pick him up with no explanation.

he has delayed having his son after the move because he wanted to go fishing for the weekend.

it doesn't sound as if he is fit to care for your son, imho. due to past events, there is a good chance that he could endanger your son by drinking and driving, or driving under the influence of marijuana.

as much as i like the "text me x" plan, i don't know if a 13 year old boy will by savy enough to know if he's been drinking or smoking, unless he is fall down drunk.

i think if it was me, i'd start to play hardball. the boy is safer with you at home. i would stop trying to accommodate dad and state that it is too disruptive to the son to be juggle back and forth, you want him to live at home with you and he can spend time with him on the weekends.

you've got an ace up your sleeve with the marijuana use. you might not be able to prove alcoholism, but you can prove drug use. a hair sample will prove that, even if he hasn't used in a while. however, it sounds to me like he's a pot-head since he wanted to grow it in the basement and you found his stash, even tho he denies having any.

i think it would be good to clue in your son. he's 13. it would be good to have his cooperation...if he sees his father drinking or smoking he is not to get in a car with him. period.

i would render a guess that now that he's out of your home, he's hitting the drugs and alcohol more in the evenings.

Learn2Live

What never fails for me: Trust your instincts, follow your heart. I know you'll make the right decisions JackTheDog.

wicked

Quote:

you've got an ace up your sleeve with the marijuana use. you might not be able to prove alcoholism, but you can prove drug use. a hair sample will prove that, even if he hasn't used in a while. however, it sounds to me like he's a pot-head since he wanted to grow it in the basement and you found his stash, even tho he denies having any.

Using a hair test, they can find THC for months afterwards, and alcohol is not viewed as harshly as marijuana, but marijuana is still completely against the law.
Keep this in mind please.
and, my children did not want to "tell" on their dad. i hope your son is able to do that.

Beth

thnx4nthng

I believed my AstbXH when he said he would not drink during his Wed night and EOW visitation with the kids (7 & 9). I suspected he would drink after they went to bed (which is still unacceptable to me because DD has a seizure disorder and has many at night - passed out drunk dad is not OK and could be deadly) He denied it. He was drunk for EVERY evening phone call to the kids when I had them. Eventually he went to work on a weekday drunk, drank more at lunch, then got fired. Now....if he can't go to work (very corporate environment with a lot of meetings and contact) where other adults are likely to notice, sober, is he really staying sober in front of his 7 & 9 year old kids who don't have a clue about alcohol use and its effects? No friggin way. The longer he was in an environment where I was no longer "the booze police", nagging wife, enabler, his alcoholism progressed rapidly. He became a danger to my kids, himself, and everyone around him.

You cannot believe him when he says he will not drink during the days he is with your son. He WILL lie, especially since he does not acknowledge that he has a problem.

I know that the thought of being a truly single parent 24/7 is overwhelming, but at this time, it just does not seem like a safe situation for your son.