Totally Frustrated!

Old 10-17-2010, 08:46 PM
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Totally Frustrated!

I just brawled my eyes out more than I have for a very very long time. I a 58 year old codependent, currently in a 40 year marriage with a dry drunk husband. My DDH has slipped off the wagon a few times along the way, and didn't work a recovery program. I suffered a life changing massive stroke in DEC 2009. My 23 year old daughter completed suicide on May 16, 1995. She suffered from schizophrenia. It took me ten years, and two hospitalization for my grief and major depression before I was able to accept my daughter's death. I was prescribed anti-depressants and sleeping pills. My DDH and I raised her son ever since birth. He now is 19 years old and has become a handful. I'm afraid he might have inherited some of her traits. He needs to have, at least, anger management therapy. He's been breaking all the house rules. He took off and spent the last two days with friends of his. We didn't know where he was and he never bothered to call us. Well, after some convincing from me, we had a confrontation with him when he got back home. He wants to be treated like an adult and have his independence, then I believe he needs to take on the responsibilities of being an adult. My DDH hates it when something disturbs his comfort zone. Needless to say it wasn't a pretty picture. He basically accused us of killing his mother, and that his life would have been so much better if she had lived. He never really knew her. As much as I loved her, we would have raised him even if she had survived. I did the very best I could being his mother, and it just hurts that now he has this much animosity towards us. I don't think he realizes the consequences of his actions. Right now I feel like he hasn't just lost one mother, but two. I raised him as my own son. I called him my son and he called me mom. Just call me grandma from now on!

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Old 10-17-2010, 08:55 PM
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sounds like an intense time for you.

Even so called healthy 18-20 year olds have to kind of make things get ugly before they move out of the house, because the separation from a parent (grandparent) can be so stressful and difficult and they don;t want it to be so painful so they kind of have to pick fights constantly etc. I would think in the case of your grandson it is doubly heard because he did lose his mother and now he is "losing" the only parents he has known.

Maybe you all need to have a group session with a counselor - so that you can lovingly cut the strings - and he can express his anger at his abandonment by his mother, and you can all move through this maturely without too much ugliness.

Hard times....

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Old 10-18-2010, 02:28 PM
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Coming from a mom who has 2 younger kids with mental health issues and major abandonment issues (they are both adopted)-and this may be a foolish question--but has he seen a therapist? Has he ever processed the loss of his mother. You raised him, but there still may be a big hole in his heart.

Just like many adotped kids wonder why their birth mothers left them. Or even our kids ask why their parent won't stop drinking or drugging so they can be a whole parent. I would imagine he wonders what he did to make her commit suicide (kids think that way sometimes).

My kids have been in therapy for 4 years processing this stuff. It is hard and I am not looking forward to puberty or the day when they decide to leave the house. Hopefully they will be much healthier.

Good luck. It is hard. If he has anger issues perhaps best to address them soon before he gets himself into trouble. I know he is chronologically an adult--but how old is he emotionally?
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Old 10-18-2010, 04:26 PM
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Dear Wife2Kids, what you wrote is a lot of my concern. I allowed him to drop out of public school when he was in junior high school because of problems with bullies. I homeschooled him for the next few years. We reached a point where he wasn't learning from me. He always had problems with math. We had a mutual agreement he was supposed to get his GED. He excells in reading and his other subjects. Well, he hasn't finished getting his GED. Almost done, but not quite. If he had been in public school he would have been able to be diagnosed. Now he's at that magically age of being recognized by the state as an adult. The problems really didn't manifest until he reached 18. At 18 he started receiving $10,000 every six months from a wrongful death lawsuit which we had filed against my daughter's two year psychriatrist intern. He overadministrated prolixin decanoate, an anti-psychotic medication into her blood system at noon on May 16, 1995. My daughter's suicide was a direct result of this injection. By the time I got home from work that afternoon I found her in our masterbed shot in her right temple.

How does someone get help for someone who is now considered an adult?
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:57 PM
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Acdirito, since when are YOU responsible for everything that goes wrong? Because I feel like you are taking blame for things that are completely out of ANYONE's control. This is a 19-year old MAN you are talking about. Yes, he needs to take care of himself and direct his life. You have done an INCREDIBLE job raising him, caring for him since infancy, teaching him, and I'm certain hundreds of other things for him! Please do not let his overdramatizations make you forget everything you have done right and good! I left home at age 17. I cannot imagine anyone living at home much past this. That is just my personal view though. I cannot see how you can make him finish his GED and get the help he may need. He has to make these decisions for himself soon.
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Old 10-18-2010, 06:18 PM
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You can't force an adult to get help.

Since he is 19 years old now, and receives such a large lump sum of money every 6 months, is there any reason he shouldn't be living on his own?

When my oldest daughter got pregnant, and decided that school was no longer important, that she'd rather play house with the baby's daddy, her father and I signed the emancipation papers. She was 17 years old. He also made it clear that there would be no more child support for her care since she wanted to be an adult.

With the exception of one month that I took her in against my better judgment, she has never lived at home again.
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Old 10-19-2010, 09:44 AM
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OK, I am coming at this from a completely different angle-and gently.

Yes, chronologically he is 19 years old. However, he is not emotionally at that age and it is actually sort of dangerous for him to be getting that amount of money every 6 months at this stage of his life.

No, you are not required to take care of him because he is an adult. You can however, let him know about opportunities he may have to complete his GED and it will be up to him to decide if he will follow through. Many high schools have programs for kids who never completed their GED-adult or not. They work to earn their credit. I belong to a support group of parents (mostly moms because we had a tendency to be the household caregivers) and a couple have adult children who have gone this route in order to finish getting their GED. So if you want-you could check into this. There are lots of community resources out there-if you contact your local human services department they may be able to guide you. Again, what he does with it is up to him.

OK, here is where I disagree with some people-gently. Many children reach the chronological age of adult but really are not adults. I don't think we should always push them out the door. Like you L2L I was out the door as soon as they handed me my high school diploma and never looked back. But I am uncertain this is where my kids will be--I have no way to predict that now. What I do know is they both suffer from brain trauma due to neglect and abuse. Being a child of a person who committed suicide cannot be a walk in the park and acdirito you probably know this--unless that has never been discussed. There may be a lot of stuff stuck in him that he is not talking about. Again, human service can provide you with information about where he can go to process this stuff.

Just like our kids need Alateen to process what is going on in their house to help themselves--other kids have other issues that need to be addressed so they can be helped. Having a mentally ill mother who left his world (and he probably thinks without giving a sh** about how it would impact him) may have left him with that swirling mass of questions. Sadness and confusion often manifests itself as anger because those other 2 emotions leave you feeling pretty helpless. Leaving you right now may be bringing out massive fear in him. Attachment is a big thing--and it is scary to let go. That does not mean you have to put up with his verbal abuse. However, if you can you might want to provide him with some resources he may or may not use.

Also, do not forget what you have done for your son. You gave him a mom. Maybe not his first choice for a mom--but he is going to just have to realize YOU ARE IT. There is no other mom for him. He cannot go out and shop for another and he can't make your daughter return to him. Have you ever had this conversation with him? That is why I asked about therapy. My kids have told me I am the last resort when it comes to who they would have wanted for a mom. First is their birthmom, 2nd someone in their birthmom's family, 3rd someone from their country and last-someone from another country (that would be me). But I have told them both-this is what you got and you know what. I am the best mom you could ever have. You may not feel like it right now but I am.

I can tell when my children are yelling at me and when they are yelling at their birthmoms. I actually bought dolls to represent their birthmoms and in the middle of a rage directed at me have handed them their doll and told them to tell her--because she left them, I have not, and never will. My kids are 5 and 9.

This may not be it at all--but if it is, he needs to move through it so he can get on with his life.

Good luck. My heart goes out to you. It is hard to have a child who is suffering so deeply and directing all that hurt at you. I'm keeping him and you in my prayers.
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Old 10-19-2010, 09:33 PM
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I haven't talked to my grandson for two days now. I've been working in my bedroom while my 35 year old son finished laying down the wood floor. He got done late this afternoon. I've gotten messages that my grandson wants to apologize to me, but I just am not ready to talk with him. So I have developed a plan for tomorrow. I'm going to wake up tomorrow and compile all the legal malpractice lawsuit documents relating to his mother's medical treatment. Most people won't believe me when I say there was a government conspircy in order to hinder us from receiving justice on our wrongful death lawsuit. Our attorney who had been a JAG Officer (Government Attorney) was part of the conspircy. I had to basically conduct the discovery of my daughter's medical records and Requests for Freedom of Information for related documents. A lawsuit that was supposed to take six months extended for six years. A mediation was held between the United States assistant attorney and us in July 2001. Our attorney just sat like a log without giving us any advice. I wasn't ready to settle when my AH begged me to just accept their offer. As always in our marriage I just gave in. This is a very sore spot with me.

Thank you for all your responses! I appreciate them!
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Old 10-19-2010, 11:41 PM
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acdirito you are so unbelievably strong. I am so sorry for all of what you have lived, I have no words.
Your plan is great. Keep us posted and I am sending good vibes your way.
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