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What to do....please help

Old 10-18-2010, 09:41 PM
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What to do....please help

Hi everyone, I'm new here and I'm really glad that I stumbled across this website. Over the last weekend, it has greatly helped me to understand that there are people out there who are in similar situations as mine. I'm sorry this post will be long.....

I have been dating my BF for 5 years, and living together for 4. I finally realized he was an alcoholic about 2 years ago, but I think I was just in denial. The last year especially has been very difficult on me. We, as a couple, have really fallen out of tune, but I can't get the courage up to leave him. It started about 6 months ago when he was off work for a month because of gout...why gout? Because he drinks, he was also hospitalized for a short period of time because of fatty liver, and he's only 27! It just got worse from there. He did stop drinking for about 3 weeks and the gout attack went away and he went back to work, but I found him drinking again shortly thereafter. It started small and just got really out of hand.

There have been many nights where he has left and gotten into his car and drove away because for some reason or another he was mad at me. I tried and tried to get him not to drive, but trying to take his keys away just usually got me hurt by him shoving me off. I would try to go to bed, but recieve phone calls at 2, 3 o'clock in the morning from him or his dad saying that he's going to committ suicide. So I'd get in my car and try to find him, which I usually would and just end up coming home on my own and he would stumble in at some other time. From there it just got worse.

One night, I heard from him saying he was on his way home from work. Hours later I hadn't heard from him. I stayed up late and saw his truck had rolled over in an accident on the 11 o'clock news. I called the hospital and rushed over. He was fine, thank God and so were the other people. But he did admit to me that he had a few beers with a co-worker after work, which I found strange because he never drinks beer. Needless to say, his liscense was suspended for 30 days, but there have yet to be any charges laid.

That seemed like a blessing in disguise. He knew he really had to turn his life around and we attended AA meetings together twice. He told me he was going more often, but I don't think he ever went again. We even went to an Al-Anon meeting together, which I thought opened up his eyes as to what I was going through, but now I know it didn't.

He was sober (cold turkey) up until the end of July, that last week, I went out of the country with my family on a vacation and came back and noticed he wasnt the same. It has basically been like that up until now. He [B]says he is sober, but I know he isn't. I know how he acts and talks when he's been drinking. I know what he eyes, mouth look like etc. I can smell it! He isn't drinking every day, like he used to, but probably at least 4-5 out of 7 he does. I could never catch him doing it though!

A few weeks ago, I noticed his closet door hanging over a bit, and snooped (please don't judge, I don't like admiting this!), there is a HUGE mountain, and I mean MOUNTAIN of Vodka bottles. I know they weren't there a few months ago, so I guess I found his stash. I have caught him 3 times in the act since July, once last week (bottle under the bed comforter), but he still won't admit that he was drinking. It's like he tries to turn it around on me, like makes me think that I'm dreaming this up because I want him so badly to drink again. I feel crazy because after a while, I actually begin to think I'm going crazy!

I have talked to my family about it, I actually just told them the tip of the iceburg of what I'm going through a few months ago. I don't like talking about my personal life to many people as I feel ashamed about it. Obviously, they want me to move out and move back home. The problem is (and I know some of you will think it's stupid), but I have a cat and a rabbit, they are essentially my extended family and I will have to give them up to move back home, which isn't an option at all. Consequently, I don't have the funds to actually move out on my own, and finding an apartment in this area that will take animals is few and far between. They are all I have and I can't imagine having to give up my animals for my stupid relationship. It's just not worth it.
My parents say that they will help out, or I could go to my extended family (grandparents) to ask for some assistance with monthly payments etc. But I really can't bear the pain to talk to them about my situation, it makes me so emotional just to think about it.

I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. When he is sober, we are best friends and have the greatest times, but when he drinks (and there is no chance in hell he'll admit it, even if I catch him), I can't stand to be stuck in this house. I see myself being single and happy, but can't get the courage to move out! How do you move out when this person is still here! And will do ANYTHING in their power to keep you here! I understand how manipulative he is to me, yet I sit an do nothing, I feel like I am my own worst enemy.

To make matters worse....it's my birthday on thursday and I am not looking forward to it as I know he'll do something to make me have the crappiest day on earth. I want to go out with some girlfriends from work (something I haven't done in 3 years because he makes it so hard for me to, or just shows up at the bar), but he's turning it on me saying that I'm going to cheat on him. What do I do!

I'm sorry, I guess I'm just rambling now, I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel stuck. I'm young, 25, and I feel like I hate my life, I feel like I wish I haden't of even met this person. I don't feel like me anymore, and I hate it. I used to be so carefree, so outgoing, I had so many friends...and now...nothing, because it's just easier to stay home, night after night, then to go out and be scared to come home and see the person he has become and hear his wrath of what I did or didn't do.

I need some words of encouragement, because I don't know how much longer I can do this....

Thank you for all your support.
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Old 10-18-2010, 11:02 PM
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Hi UsedtoBeAPearl, welcome to this great forum full of Experience, Strength and Hope.

I am 28 and I also moved together with a boyfriend, later I discovered the extent of his alcoholism. Because that is what it is. Alcoholism. Not "fun" or "a few" as they like to say. It is a horrible hell that hurts them and closer ones, deeply, and a hell many don't come out alive. That is what it is.

I left 2 years ago. It has been painful (we still see each other at work, you can imagine how fun this is for me) but it was the best decision. I get what you say about your pets! I am sure you can find a safe affordable place that lets you have your pets with you. This is the time to reach out...

We often feel shame, but we have to learn what another person is doing is not "our cross to bear". He is the one doing shameful things. Perhaps writing to your extended family is easier than talking?

Also, another thing. What he is doing is emotional abuse. I thought it was the alcohol that made him insult me and hurt me with words and some actions. No, it is an entirely different problem. My ex and this man you talk about are verbal abusers. It is important to recognize this.

They are also manipulation experts. We get you, UsedtobeAPearl. Please keep on reading/posting. Your life is under your control. Recently I was also faced with the dilemma about leaving my 2 cats. As sad as it is, your life is more important than being with your pets. The cost is too high: your sanity.

(Also, that being said, perhaps you could find a foster home for said pets, while you get back on your feet somewhere else, then reclaim them? there are many pet lovers who would be willing to do that because they would appreciate the same help.)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Not-so-long article that sums it up
Addiction, Lies and Relationships

Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!
The Alcoholism and Addictions Help Forums- by SoberRecovery.com (Tips on how to leave an abusive relationship!)
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:22 AM
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welcome usedtobeapearl-

i am glad you found us.

your boyfriend sounds like he is in the throes of active alcohlism. it also sounds as if he has the potential to be violent towards you, since he is hurting you by "shoving you off." mine started out doing that, and then eventually attacked me and broke my shoulder.

i recognize similar signs in your story...he is isolating you, doesn't want you going out, shows up when you do...these are all signs of jealousy and jealousy combined with a violent drunk in not a safe situation for you.

i know it is probably not what you want to hear (as i didn't want to hear it) but i doesn't sound to me that you are safe there. i understand your concern about your animals but your life is more important than you keeping your animals. perhaps you can find a safe, new home for them...maybe you could place an advert in the local paper and find a nice family that would take the rabbit and another one for your cat? obviously, there are organizations that will help you too...

why not take your family's offer of help? you could always move home for a period of time while you formulate a plan as to what to do. that is what i did. it sounds as if you have a family that loves you...reach out to them and accept their help.

alcoholism is a progressive disease and things do get worse...yours is already lying to you and limiting you...he's already flipped his vehicle...he could have hurt himself or other innocents...

your situation is very serious. please keep posting and reading here and get yourself to safety quickly!

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Old 10-19-2010, 06:36 AM
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welcome to SR

There are a few things you can do to make this situation better for yourself. Coming here is a great start. Try to find a good al anon meeting in your area and keep going.
Al anon is not for him, but you.
Snooping comes hand in hand with someone who is with an addict.
We have little choice if we need to protect ourselves from the damage they cause.
Had I not snooped on my ex, he would still be cheating and maybe could have given me a life threatening std.
Also, thinking your going crazy is also par for the course. Addict gaslight and lie and will do just about anything to keep their sickness in place.

Maybe I read your post wrong, but I don't see where he has any potential to be violent. He's a pain in the a&&, but doesn't seem like he would hurt you
If you really want out, there is only one thing to do, leave!
Borrow money, find a place that takes animals (or lie about having them since a cat and rabbit make no noise) and with the help of your family leave.
If you're not sure about leaving yet, get to al anon and work on you for now.

Sorry for this, I know this is a mess
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Old 10-19-2010, 06:37 AM
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Welcome, I am glad you found us.

When I left my EXABF, I was very scared. I did not think I could afford to leave; I had a dog that I did not think I could keep. I was a mess.

I asked for help for the first time in my life; friends and family helped. They loaned me money, they took care of my dog, they helped me move my stuff out, they let me sleep in their spare room. They made me tea, and let me cry, and made me laugh. No one can do this alone.

I found the most perfect place to live in less than a week. And I was able to have my dog live with me there too

Once I took the first step, things fell into place. Let the people who love you help you in any way they can. You'd do it for them, wouldn't you?
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Old 10-19-2010, 08:02 AM
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Hi usedtobeapearl...and WELCOME to SR. There's lots of awesome advice and support to be found here.

I've been where you are (except I was married and had a baby and a few cats and a stepson...). I know how badly it sucks.

Let me post for you the 3 C's of addiction, in case you don't know them:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it
You can't CONTROL it

There really is nothing you can do or say to change an addict's addiction. That's entirely his choice. The only power you have is over your life. You can choose to leave or you can choose to stay.

From re-reading your post, it seems like you've got options but you're not willing to take them yet. Perhaps you haven't reached your "bottom". When you do (and I hope it's soon), maybe you'll start to see that the Universe is lining things up for you to step off the rollercoaster you're on. The options may not be perfect, but generally, things never are.

I'm 33 now. I have a 2 year old. I moved out of my marital home and back in with my parents. Real classy huh? And yet, since I've relocated, I got sole custody of my daughter, I got a quick divorce, my finances have slowly been restored, my XAH (x alcoholic husband) is not in my life anymore, my life isn't a turmoil of toxicity and pain, and I might buy my first house next year. From where I sit, the Universe paved the way for me. All I needed to do was take that first step.

I hope you keep coming back here to read and post as often as you like. SR has and continues to be my lifesaver.
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Old 10-19-2010, 08:20 AM
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Originally Posted by UsedToBeAPearl View Post

There have been many nights where he has left and gotten into his car and drove away because for some reason or another he was mad at me. I tried and tried to get him not to drive, but trying to take his keys away just usually got me hurt by him shoving me off.


Yea, mine gets that way too. I suppose he wants me to worry when he drives off? I don't know... though I never try to stop him because I usually wish he would leave.




I would try to go to bed, but recieve phone calls at 2, 3 o'clock in the morning from him or his dad saying that he's going to committ suicide. So I'd get in my car and try to find him, which I usually would and just end up coming home on my own and he would stumble in at some other time. From there it just got worse.

Mine would follow me room to room arguing, sometimes not let me go to sleep because he thought I was supposed to listen to him?



That seemed like a blessing in disguise. He knew he really had to turn his life around and we attended AA meetings together twice. He told me he was going more often, but I don't think he ever went again. We even went to an Al-Anon meeting together, which I thought opened up his eyes as to what I was going through, but now I know it didn't.


There have been times I thought he never went to the meetings at all. I never said anything but that is what I thought.



He was sober (cold turkey) up until the end of July, that last week, I went out of the country with my family on a vacation and came back and noticed he wasnt the same. It has basically been like that up until now. He [B]says he is sober, but I know he isn't. I know how he acts and talks when he's been drinking. I know what he eyes, mouth look like etc. I can smell it! He isn't drinking every day, like he used to, but probably at least 4-5 out of 7 he does. I could never catch him doing it though!


I can usually tell if he's even had one drink- by talking on the phone.



A few weeks ago, I noticed his closet door hanging over a bit, and snooped (please don't judge, I don't like admiting this!), there is a HUGE mountain, and I mean MOUNTAIN of Vodka bottles. I know they weren't there a few months ago, so I guess I found his stash. I have caught him 3 times in the act since July, once last week (bottle under the bed comforter), but he still won't admit that he was drinking.


I've seen bottles all over the house, outside, in cars....


It's like he tries to turn it around on me, like makes me think that I'm dreaming this up because I want him so badly to drink again. I feel crazy because after a while, I actually begin to think I'm going crazy!


Yep, mine turns everything around also. It does, in fact, make me feel crazy.



I'm at my wits end and I don't know what to do. When he is sober, we are best friends and have the greatest times, but when he drinks (and there is no chance in hell he'll admit it, even if I catch him), I can't stand to be stuck in this house. I see myself being single and happy, but can't get the courage to move out! How do you move out when this person is still here! And will do ANYTHING in their power to keep you here! I understand how manipulative he is to me, yet I sit an do nothing, I feel like I am my own worst enemy.


I wish mine would go drink elsewhere. I can't stand him in the house either.


To make matters worse....it's my birthday on thursday and I am not looking forward to it as I know he'll do something to make me have the crappiest day on earth. I want to go out with some girlfriends from work (something I haven't done in 3 years because he makes it so hard for me to, or just shows up at the bar), but he's turning it on me saying that I'm going to cheat on him. What do I do!


Oh been here! He even encouraged my going out with friends, then if I did and after arriving home it was a huge interrogation. "Where did you go?" "who were you with?" "who were you talking to?" The accusations never stop.



I'm sorry, I guess I'm just rambling now, I don't even know what to say anymore. I feel stuck. I'm young, 25, and I feel like I hate my life, I feel like I wish I haden't of even met this person. I don't feel like me anymore, and I hate it. I used to be so carefree, so outgoing, I had so many friends...and now...nothing, because it's just easier to stay home, night after night, then to go out and be scared to come home and see the person he has become and hear his wrath of what I did or didn't do.


Perhaps he wants your world to revolve around him? Mine even admitted it, said "I want to be the one to make you happy". Doesn't want me to be happy without him? Odd....


I need some words of encouragement, because I don't know how much longer I can do this....

Thank you for all your support.

I hope you feel better soon. I know it's tough.
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Old 10-19-2010, 08:44 PM
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Thank you so much everyone for your replies.

They made me sad, made me cry, but ultimately made me feel good because I have support from those of you who understand my place in this world.

I spoke to my mom today, and she just keeps saying that I have to leave. I know that, but I tried to explain to her that I know that I'm a better person then this, but for some reason I just feel like I can't leave yet. I don't think she quite gets this, but for some reason, although when he is drinking, I sit here and say "I can't do this anymore", but it's just not 'right' yet. I'm a person who drives themselves on gut instincts, and my guts haven't told me to leave yet, though I'm worried for some reason they won't give me the hint.

In other news...his mom called me today, which was odd seeing as how I haven't talked to her in years. She said she can tell that he has been drinking again and talks with him about how he felt scared after his car accident. She tries to get him to remember that feeling and understand that if he continues on drinking that he'll just end up in the same place again. She also came right out and told me, "you have no ties to him, and don't you feel like you just want to live your life again?".
Even though my own mother has told me the same thing, for some reason, it just felt that more reassuring that it came from her, it was almost like her telling me that it's ok and she understands and there will be no hard feelings.

I still really don't know how I really feel, or what I should do. I tried to confront him today on me finding him passed out on the couch with a bottle of vodka in his arms on friday (I even took a picture for proof), but he still is saying that I'm only seeing what I want to see and that he's still not drinking. I'm finding it that much hard to deal with this time around because he's always been so open about his drinking and this time will not admit to having a single drink in almost 5 months.

Wouldn't you think that if you have been completely 100% sober for 5 months that you would be letting the whole world know how far you've come?!

Thanks again everyone, I'm so glad that I finally found SR
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Old 10-19-2010, 09:14 PM
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I've been in your shoes. I was the eternal optimist, hoping that things would change.

I married him. We had a baby. He finally got sober. Then after less than a year of sobriety, he is back to active alcoholism. My AH was the same, hiding vodka bottles everywhere. Sidebar: I cleaned out our community condo closet (was a member of the board) before we moved and found LOADS of vodka bottles in there. I mean, the place where ANYONE can go in? Where the gardener keeps the tools? Please.

Anyway, I am in the process of starting a new life. It's scary but I can only keep trusting that things will get better. Time has taught me with my AH that while we had one really good stretch, everything else has been pretty terrible.

I know no one can leave until they are ready (I'm a perfect case here) but I'd encourage you to just consider how different your life would be if you weren't on eggshells all the time, if things were just predictable. You have choices.

At my AH's last intervention, the interventionist (sp?) told me that eventually I was going to have to choose what I wanted, rather than just making "passive choices" based on AH doing this or that or the other. I say it again--you have choices. Think about what you need and that should come first.

And please, please don't marry the guy. As I am learning quickly, divorce is very expensive!
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Old 10-19-2010, 09:28 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
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No, I WON"T marry the guy, although he says his ultimate dream is to get married to me and live together for the rest of our lives. In all honestly, that makes me cringe. Generally speaking, physical contact makes me cringe at this point, though I still will tell him that I love him, because I do, but I'm questioning if I'm actually In love with him or not.

But in all honesty...how do you leave a person in this state? I know that he is unstable these days, but so am I to a certain degree.

What do you say? Do you just pack up what you can and leave? Do you sneak around and do it when they're away or 'passed out'? How do I stay away, I can't bear myself to hurt anyone purposfully. Do I say that we just need a break to work things out, or what?? I know it sounds strange, but I just can't bear to physically walk out this door and not walk back through it again.

Like I've said earlier, I can see myself single, I can see myself getting back to the person I once was, it actually excites me to a certain degree, but I can't envision myself actually taking the steps to get there.
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Old 10-19-2010, 09:36 PM
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Please don't let him drive, call a cab if needed, but don't let him drive you anywhere.
Yes, what he speaks about is denial. This is where you learn to trust yourself and what you KNOW is true. Maybe he never accepts he has drank ever, or that it was ever a problem (for him). He is entitled to his opinion, but it is yours that matter.

Oh, how difficult it was for me to trust myself and leave.
He had a can of beer on a Tuesday afternoon and was infront of his computer. He started dumbfounded. Me? what? alcohol? PROBLEM??
A few weeks later I was "his enemy" and he spewed so much venom towards me I was shocked. I wish I had heard the wise people over here who tried to prevent me to even try talking to him again.

Then I learned that is what alkies do. Manipulate. Accept stuff so you believe you are moving forward- then deny it all. Act loving then hurt you incredibly and way beyond anyone else has hurt you. (At least that is how it was like for me).

And I am so incredibly grateful I no longer consider his words to have any value to me.

I hope you can find some quit time. Sometimes there is "too much noise" and one can't think clearly. Once you feel your heart again.. take some time to ponder.. your decision may be easier.

Please hear naive - I "met" her before the incident with the ex boyfriend - this could be you as well. We do not want to scare you but if you see below my avatar - I have posted more than 3 000 times in here- I have lived, and read too many sad stories, save yourself more pain.

So far you sound like an outgoing smart lady who deserves so much more in life and from a partner. Funny how we are able to see that for others but not for ourselves...

BTW- have you considered going to a therapist ?
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Old 10-19-2010, 09:39 PM
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Perhaps you might find a counselor or al-anon helpful?

In fact, since he shoves you when it comes to the car keys and causes trouble if you even want to go anywhere....I truly think it would be most helpful to schedule an appmt with your local DV and get their help in leaving safely.

I suspect he might very well get violent..either in trying to prevent you from leaving or in anger that you want to.

Please be careful and take care of yourself.
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Old 10-19-2010, 09:53 PM
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I'm sorry to ask, but what's a DV?
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Old 10-19-2010, 10:06 PM
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oh, I am sorry you local domestic violence center.
They are really very helpful...it has been some of the very best counseling I have had.

You will learn alot about that pattern of isolating you and that excuse of jealousy as a means to control you.

Sooner or later you will be ready to leave and that would be a very good preparation, they have tons of helpful advice about how to do it smartly and safely.
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Old 10-19-2010, 10:08 PM
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I would also suggest reading the stickies at the top of this forum, including the ones on abuse.

Many who have come here and have not recognized their partners patterns of abuse and control have been both enlightened and relieved to learn what is going on.
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Old 10-19-2010, 10:10 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
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Domestic Violence center.
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Old 10-20-2010, 01:52 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
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hi used to be a pearl-

what do you think about the fact that you have a picture of him passed out with a vodka bottle yet he denies he is drinking?

i found the longer i lived with my alcoholic, the more i started doubting myself. i ended up very confused and foggy in the brain. by the time i arrived at SR, i couldn't even think straight. when i told my story, everyone here reacted quite strongly. in my foggy, confused brain, i remember thinking to myself "self, you can't think straight anymore. these people seem to be alarmed at my situation." i decided in that moment to trust the people here and get my butt out of there. i'm glad i did.

i think that when we live with so much craziness, it becomes almost normal to us and we can't really recognize it anymore. at least that is how it was for me. once i stepped out of the madness, my good sense returned and i could see the oppression and danger i was living in.

i do think you are in danger. certainly, don't let him drive you anywhere! you can not believe him if he says he is not drinking. you have ample proof that he is indeed drinking.

in this type of situation, it is best to stop thinking about him and begin thinking about yourself. all it takes is one minute, one bad choice, and you could be harmed.

as for leaving him, leaving is a very dangerous time with possessive drunk men. it is best not to tell him you are considering leaving. if you choose to leave, formulate your plan, execute it, and discuss it with him once you are in your safe place.

as for your concerns about hurting him, i understand that too. but the reality is that we do not do them any favors by enabling them to drink more. in fact, we speed up the progression by giving them a safe place to land.

he is a grown man. he makes his choices in life and must suffer the consequences of them. for example, if he lies to you, if he bullies you, if he isolates you then it is more than fair to decide you no longer want to be on the receiving end.

you are young and have your whole life in front of you. many of us here hung in there for years, always hoping that they would sober up and the man we loved would return. however, we underestimated the power of alcohol over an alcoholic.

naive
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