Angry Again
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
L2L,
I'm sorry I got all discombabulated over who was who. An easy problem for me sadly.
You are right about the BF's over family. I find myself going back time and time again no matter how toxic the dysfunction in my family gets. But then I don't live with them and limit contact with things get off kilter.
You my dear, are definitely off kilter. Get your focus on you and off your mom. If she reaches out for real help and will accept severing that three-way umbilical cord, then you can be there for her. Set that plan then put it on the back burning where it belongs.
I'm sorry I got all discombabulated over who was who. An easy problem for me sadly.
You are right about the BF's over family. I find myself going back time and time again no matter how toxic the dysfunction in my family gets. But then I don't live with them and limit contact with things get off kilter.
You my dear, are definitely off kilter. Get your focus on you and off your mom. If she reaches out for real help and will accept severing that three-way umbilical cord, then you can be there for her. Set that plan then put it on the back burning where it belongs.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
To stop thinking about "The Problem" I suggest "The Chicken Dance":
Anyone who's not chicken, stand in a circle facing each other.
When the music starts, hold your hands out in front of you and open and close them like a chicken beak four times.
Put your thumbs in your armpits and flap your wings four times.
Place your arms and hands like the tail feathers of a chicken and wiggle down to the floor four times.
Clap four times.
Repeat steps 1-5 four times.
After the fourth time take the hands of the people on either side of you and everyone move in a circle.
When you get dizzy, switch directions.
Repeat until the end of the music or until you fall on the floor.
Works for me!
Anyone who's not chicken, stand in a circle facing each other.
When the music starts, hold your hands out in front of you and open and close them like a chicken beak four times.
Put your thumbs in your armpits and flap your wings four times.
Place your arms and hands like the tail feathers of a chicken and wiggle down to the floor four times.
Clap four times.
Repeat steps 1-5 four times.
After the fourth time take the hands of the people on either side of you and everyone move in a circle.
When you get dizzy, switch directions.
Repeat until the end of the music or until you fall on the floor.
Works for me!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 133
I can relate to how your mother must be feeling. I believe she is coming from the "old school" where women were taught that the husband and father was supposed to be the leader of the household. I used to believe that was supposed to be the way things went. However, my eyes became wide opened after I suffered a life changing massive stroke in DEC 2009. From DEC 23rd until JAN 8th I was comatose. When I came back into reality I was filled with so much rage from my life experiences. I was then transferred to a rehab hospital for another two weeks before my discharge to my house. This was one of my worst decisions of my life. Forget about the marriage vows "in sickness and in health." My dry drunk husband of 40 years wasn't there for me! Coming to death's door is certainly an eye awakening experience! I hope it doesn't have to come to that point to have your mother's eyes open.
I know that isn't what you wanted to hear, but, unfortunately, sometimes it must boil down to that. Since your mother is 70 years old I recommend you call your state's Adult Protective Services. Your state's Adult Protective Services provides services provided to insure the safety and well-being of elders who are being exploited. They provide casework services, which can also, include medical, legal, and housing. Your father and brother are, both, exploiting your mother. Check out the website for the National Center on Elderly Abuse. You can make the report and they will allow you to stay anonymous.
I hope this can help!
"Serenity is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it."
I know that isn't what you wanted to hear, but, unfortunately, sometimes it must boil down to that. Since your mother is 70 years old I recommend you call your state's Adult Protective Services. Your state's Adult Protective Services provides services provided to insure the safety and well-being of elders who are being exploited. They provide casework services, which can also, include medical, legal, and housing. Your father and brother are, both, exploiting your mother. Check out the website for the National Center on Elderly Abuse. You can make the report and they will allow you to stay anonymous.
I hope this can help!
"Serenity is not the absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it."
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
How does your mom feel about her situation? Does she want something different for herself? I don't remember if she's been to Al-Anon. Is she open to something like that, or has she decided that this is her role in life?
Your anger is justified... Now, what to do with the anger is the question. So that you can find your peace in midst of things that are beyond your control...
Serenity prayer. And what Coyote said...Step 1. Turn it over to HP, asking for guidance as to what you can and can't do for your mom. Hugs to you, girl. Praying for you.
Your anger is justified... Now, what to do with the anger is the question. So that you can find your peace in midst of things that are beyond your control...
Serenity prayer. And what Coyote said...Step 1. Turn it over to HP, asking for guidance as to what you can and can't do for your mom. Hugs to you, girl. Praying for you.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi L2L
I would be angry too!! do you have any physical outlet? I just came from kick boxing and let me tell you after imagining I punched everyone I happen to want to hit, my life is better.
In therapy I got the following homework:
write letters
-to my dad
-to my mom
-to anyone else I still have "unfinished business" with
Write everything you feel. Write everything you have needed and was not given to you. Write how you have felt with vivid examples. Write all of what you resent. No censorship.
Burn papers.
Repeat.
I would be angry too!! do you have any physical outlet? I just came from kick boxing and let me tell you after imagining I punched everyone I happen to want to hit, my life is better.
In therapy I got the following homework:
write letters
-to my dad
-to my mom
-to anyone else I still have "unfinished business" with
Write everything you feel. Write everything you have needed and was not given to you. Write how you have felt with vivid examples. Write all of what you resent. No censorship.
Burn papers.
Repeat.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
The "letter burning" technique is well known, and effective.
Of course it would be better if you had a therapist- do you have a therapist, L2L?
This is very tough stuff, and I wish you could had a pro guiding you towards a more peaceful place.
Of course it would be better if you had a therapist- do you have a therapist, L2L?
This is very tough stuff, and I wish you could had a pro guiding you towards a more peaceful place.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
hi l2l-
i'm responding to that initial rush of anger you felt when you hung up the phone with your mother.
i found it helpful to understand the nature of anger. it is an energy that passes thru us. it must move.
i find it helpful when i feel anger to move my body. this gets the energy out of me quickly and then i am left with the emotions without the rush of energy.
next time you feel a burst of anger, try moving your body. what works for me is to drop to the floor and do 20 pushups. that gets it out of me. or, you could run/walk quickly around the block 2 times. or, do 20 jumping jacks. anything will work, just move the energy.
it take some self discipline to do this immediately, but try it, it works!
naive
i'm responding to that initial rush of anger you felt when you hung up the phone with your mother.
i found it helpful to understand the nature of anger. it is an energy that passes thru us. it must move.
i find it helpful when i feel anger to move my body. this gets the energy out of me quickly and then i am left with the emotions without the rush of energy.
next time you feel a burst of anger, try moving your body. what works for me is to drop to the floor and do 20 pushups. that gets it out of me. or, you could run/walk quickly around the block 2 times. or, do 20 jumping jacks. anything will work, just move the energy.
it take some self discipline to do this immediately, but try it, it works!
naive
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
So sorry to hear you're feeling this way.
I have a similar problem with my mum, different situation though (no active A involved in situation any more, but plenty of other people she is treating in enabling/take advantage of me sort of way). She just refuses to take care of herself. She is always a doormat for everyone who feels like it. That is very hard for me as her health is not so good (she recovered from stage 4 breast cancer) and I tried to speak to her about it so many times, but she simply refuses to do any different from what she is doing. She is the greatest enabler, very controling too, and I think she believes if she stopped for one second (being there for everyone and trying to fix everything until she gets so phisically exausted that she can not stand on her feet) the whole world would fall apart. I honestly think if she continues this way she'd kill herself some time soon, but she is not listening. Her main agrument is: this is who I am and I can't change now that I'm 60. I try to tell her it doens't have to be that way, and it would take only little to change things for better, but she doesn't want to listen, or can't listen out of fear that if she let go of this, who will she be than, or something like this, at least that is my best guess.
I have no option but to let go and accept her for who she is/choses to be regardless of the fact how is that painful for me. It is yet another painful thing in my life I can not control or make better. At the end of the day it is her life and she has a right to live it any way she choses, even if her choices are only hurting her.
So I just wanted to say I understand how you feel, it is hard, but in my experience you can not do anything but let go, as hard as that is.
Take care
I have a similar problem with my mum, different situation though (no active A involved in situation any more, but plenty of other people she is treating in enabling/take advantage of me sort of way). She just refuses to take care of herself. She is always a doormat for everyone who feels like it. That is very hard for me as her health is not so good (she recovered from stage 4 breast cancer) and I tried to speak to her about it so many times, but she simply refuses to do any different from what she is doing. She is the greatest enabler, very controling too, and I think she believes if she stopped for one second (being there for everyone and trying to fix everything until she gets so phisically exausted that she can not stand on her feet) the whole world would fall apart. I honestly think if she continues this way she'd kill herself some time soon, but she is not listening. Her main agrument is: this is who I am and I can't change now that I'm 60. I try to tell her it doens't have to be that way, and it would take only little to change things for better, but she doesn't want to listen, or can't listen out of fear that if she let go of this, who will she be than, or something like this, at least that is my best guess.
I have no option but to let go and accept her for who she is/choses to be regardless of the fact how is that painful for me. It is yet another painful thing in my life I can not control or make better. At the end of the day it is her life and she has a right to live it any way she choses, even if her choices are only hurting her.
So I just wanted to say I understand how you feel, it is hard, but in my experience you can not do anything but let go, as hard as that is.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: southport merseyside
Posts: 536
someone at my al anon said the other week when she was chatting to her daughter who had another crisis going on and instead of the usual panic reaction she just said to her daughter im sorry this has happened to u (insert whatever crisis or drama this is ) but u will have to let me know how u get on 
and wash your hands of whatever it is cos al anon says u need to concentrate on your life not everyone elses im trying to use that but as yet havent said it although ive done it with my youngest who has some crisis going on atm and ive so wanted to get involved and help her but ive not cos i have enough of my own probs to cope with atm without anyone elses even family.
Maybe think about saying that to your mum might make her think eh wait a min maybe i should sort this out myself and do something rather than come running to u everytime something happens which with drinkers will be fairly frequently.
*hugs* for u and dont start smoking again it will work out xxxxxx
and wash your hands of whatever it is cos al anon says u need to concentrate on your life not everyone elses im trying to use that but as yet havent said it although ive done it with my youngest who has some crisis going on atm and ive so wanted to get involved and help her but ive not cos i have enough of my own probs to cope with atm without anyone elses even family.Maybe think about saying that to your mum might make her think eh wait a min maybe i should sort this out myself and do something rather than come running to u everytime something happens which with drinkers will be fairly frequently.
*hugs* for u and dont start smoking again it will work out xxxxxx
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Naive, Just reading your post makes me cry. Whenever I get that angry, like last night, I try to control myself and I can't move or talk. It causes me so much anxiety it's like i feel physically paralyzed, like if I move the world will cave in or something.
I am really stressed out and am in a class full of people this morning, trying to contain myself. I want to scream. Thanks everybody for your posts.
I am really stressed out and am in a class full of people this morning, trying to contain myself. I want to scream. Thanks everybody for your posts.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
l2l-
another trick i've learned is to announce the arrival of the anger energy outloud to myself, as in, "i have anger energy running thru me." somehow, immediately labeling it helps me see it objectively rather than being victim to it. then, i move it. it takes discipline, but like everything else, having an action plan ahead of time helps. anger comes, you've got your plan as to how to you are going to handle it (move the energy thru tiring yourself out with an exercise)
because it is an energy, this is why angry people smash things. it is the energy moving (albeit in a non-constructive way).
another trick i've learned is to announce the arrival of the anger energy outloud to myself, as in, "i have anger energy running thru me." somehow, immediately labeling it helps me see it objectively rather than being victim to it. then, i move it. it takes discipline, but like everything else, having an action plan ahead of time helps. anger comes, you've got your plan as to how to you are going to handle it (move the energy thru tiring yourself out with an exercise)
because it is an energy, this is why angry people smash things. it is the energy moving (albeit in a non-constructive way).
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I want to type more after this class if I have the energy.
I did not realize I had this paralyzed feeling until after Naive posted this morning. I can't believe Leise you know what I am talking about! Thank you you guys.
I did not realize I had this paralyzed feeling until after Naive posted this morning. I can't believe Leise you know what I am talking about! Thank you you guys.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
Can you tell her you won't help with her rent unless she stops giving brother $ to use alcohol and cigs? If not just stop and stay in your own hoola-hoop......just be honest with all three of them......if you continue I won't help.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
My motivation for helping is not to control or change anyone, but to help my Mom have some bit of a nice life before she dies. I will help out financially whether anyone changes or not. It just makes me angry to know the truth: That she is still busting her a$$, has been for 50 years, for HIS alcoholism and addiction. And yes, my brother's too. I hate that they use her and she continues to do this.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: ca
Posts: 25
im a smoker still...and wondering about myself as i read the op....since i cant hurt them im hurting myself by going off and smoking?
or i havent learned to take that frustration and pain to Jesus yet?
i am starting to learn to "live by every word..." by taking a text and really concentrate/meditate on/believe it....i so pray i dont drift from doing that...
or i havent learned to take that frustration and pain to Jesus yet?
i am starting to learn to "live by every word..." by taking a text and really concentrate/meditate on/believe it....i so pray i dont drift from doing that...
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs)))))) ))))))))))))))))))))) L2L
I didn't respond earlier because I think I would go ballistic over this.
so, just sending warm wishes and no, no self-loathing, okay?
I didn't respond earlier because I think I would go ballistic over this.
so, just sending warm wishes and no, no self-loathing, okay?
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