Learn2Live

So I just got off the phone with my mother. And just figured out that she, age 70, works multiple cleaning jobs 5 days a week in order to give him a minimum of $650 a month to cover his beer and cigarettes. I am so ******* angry right now I am ******* speechless because I am afraid of what is going to come out of my mouth. And because I know that once it starts it will turn into pure unadulterated HATRED and RAGE and then I will start breaking $hit. I am doing my best not to drive to the store and buy cigarettes right now- I quit again after my last relapse and have not smoked in a week. I am shaking. I do not know how to calm my mind. I am so ******* angry I could just ******* ... Can't say what.

suki44883

Hon, you cannot change your mother any more than she can change "him." If hearing about all that upsets you so, detachment might be in order. Remember, it's just like dealing with the addict themselves when we deal with the codie.

TatliGuzelim

I hear how upset you are and I'm sorry. It sounds like she's being exploited - certainly not what we want for our aging parents.

chicory

wow , I dont blame you! how crappy is that, for your mom to be catering to him . but, you know, she is making this choice. Does he make it hard for her if she doesn't do this? or has she always done that?

maybe you could write it all down, or go into a room, and close the door and put a picture of him up, or draw a fetching likeness of him, and tell him what you think.

this makes me want to get cigarettes-

I am sorry for your mom. what would happen if she said no? or is this just normal for her?

hugs,
chicory

dollydo

I sure do understand your upset. It is so difficult when you cannot make another understand the what's and why's of their behavior. However, the bottom line is that there is not a d*mn thing you can do about it.

By getting yourself all worked up you are accomplishing nothing but upsetting yourself, it doesn't effect your mother or brother one little bit. They are living their own life on their own terms.

Might be time to go no contact, at least for awhile until you can regroup.

Sending hugs your way...take a bubble bath, light some candles and try to relax.

Learn2Live

I don't think "no" is in her vocabulary. I am trying to help her with housing costs. My mentally ill brother is in the hospital and I think I've convinced her to let him go, not let him come back. But then she says she NEEDS him because he helps her around the house and helps her pay the bills. I am prepared to subsidize their housing costs but she doesn't think it will be enough. That's how I found out how much he is drinking and smoking each month. What do I do?!?! TAKE her from him, get her a place to stay, and tell him he is $hit out of luck and on his own unless he stops? He won't even admit he has a problem.

Learn2Live

You hit the nail right on the head TatliGuzlim. She IS being exploited! He has exploited her for 50 years. She has been his ******* SLAVE for 50 years! OMG you guys this is merely a scratch on the surface. If I told you all the $hit, all the suffering and horror my mother has been thru, you would just puke.

fourmaggie

well, I guess all I can say...its NOT YOUR PROBLEM....if she does not see a PROBLEM with it...well, then you know what to do....walk away...unless....SHE DECIDES TO CHANGE IT FOR HERSELF...

calm, and breath...do for YOU....

ooh love, I wish you the best....

dollydo

Helping your mother with her housing costs will accomplish nothing, all that it will do is give her more money to give to your brother. This is a cycle that you cannot break.

Have you tried to get out of the middle of this chaos?

ItsmeAlice

L2L,
You are enraged and rightfully so. You are defensive of your mother and that too is understandable. But as it has been said, you cannot control either of them and have to let that need in you go.

That said,
If you think she wants out of this situation but is just stuck needing the "help" he provides, then extending a helping hand to her and moving her to safer ground would be healthy for you both in my opinion, especially if he is currently out of the house and the time is right to do so.

Your boundaries of course would need to be clear with her that you are helping her get out from under his addiction and if she starts up with enabling him financially or otherwise, your helping hand ceases immediately. He would have to be told your involvement means he's not welcome.

I think at 70, she may not be able to change, but if given a chance to go through codie withdrawal, she might see things more clearly and see the difference between healthy helping from someone and the manipulations of an addict.

From someone smoke-free for 3 yrs and 10 mos.....THOU SHALL NOT SMOKE!! NO SMOKING!! I DON'T CARE IF YOU EAT TWICE YOUR WEIGHT IN CHOCOLATE RIGHT NOW, BUT THERE WILL BE NO MORE CIGARETTES. AM I MAKING MYSELF CLEAR!!

Woah, sorry I got a little wild there for a minute. I think my head spun around and there's definitely pea soup on the keyboard.

Alice

Learn2Live

I don't think she WANTS to do this, I think she feels stuck and sees no other way than to keep enabling him. She pays for booze and cigarettes for BOTH of them. She realizes she can't do this forever. She knows she doesn't want to do this the rest of her life.

Thanks for the replies everybody. It's easy (for me now) to just get rid of alcoholic and/or addicted BFs. It is not so easy to ignore my mother's suffering.

Learn2Live

OMG Alice THANK YOU! I need a drill sergeant right now. I'm being serious.

Sorry, I wasn't clear: It's my Dad she gives the money to AND she gives money to my brother. This is DAILY!

Her conscience and her religious beliefs have prevented her from leaving my Dad. Same problem lots of spouses of alcoholics talk about here.

wicked

[QUOTE] am doing my best not to drive to the store and buy cigarettes right now- I quit again after my last relapse and have not smoked in a week.[/QUOTE]

okay, i quit september 23rd, you can do this. i had to stop keeping cash on me.
i just slapped another one of these useless patches on, but i havent smoke since september 23rd after nearly 35 years of smoking.
you can do this without smoking. yep.
now, your mother has been doing this for so long. does she know how upset you get with this? i wonder why she wants to tell you. especially something you have known for years.
hmmmm, something quite interesting occured to me about my family of origin dynamic too.
wow.
my mother and my brother, same story. yep. infuriating, frustrating, nothing i did helped. i am sorry L2L, i know how it sucks, but no smoking. we must keep our hearts healthy for the next 50 years ya know?

love ya,
your sister in the smoke free sisterhood,
beth

coyote21

Step 1: We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol, and that our lives had become unmanageable.

Sorry for all this chaos.

And BTW, don't smoke. Two years for me next month.

I know you're at least as tough as me and Alice! Oh, and Wicked!

Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote

dollydo

Well, maybe she considers her enabling to be her calling in life. Perhaps, she just may not be able to change. And, you may just have to wash your hands ot the entire situation.

My mother is an alcoholic, been drinking for 65 years, her alcoholism and general toxic behavior forced me to go no contact with her for 10 years, she was 68 at the time. I really had no choice but to back off and get off the roller coaster. We now have a guarded yet better relationship, she understands my bounderies, and, knows I will enfore them. Was it easy to say ado for a period of time...no...but, in the end it was the right decision for both of us.

chicory

Is there no money for your dad coming in- like retirement, or pension?
i think i remember you saying that they had spent their savings helping your brother, is that right?
Is there a way that our brother qualifies for government aid-a place to stay and a monthly check, if he is incapable of self-support?

I am soo sorry. But try to calm down tonight. Nothing is going to be accomplished tonight by you being upset. you will need to sleep on it, and be rested to think clearly.
your brother is in hospital, and I would try very hard to get him put somewhere away from your folks.
abuse of elderly services may have some ideas. or the NAMI association.
how about telling her that they will die with her feeding their addictions? maybe she could be urged to go to al-anon.

I am sorry about the terrible things.
I pray for a miracle for you hon.

chicory

Learn2Live

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I caanot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Learn2Live

THIS is why so many people are in denial, so many people are drunk and high, and so many people need to escape. Because reality ******* $ucks.

Learn2Live

Beth I'm glad you quit. I agree about the patch but keep up the good work anyway. If it fails you, try Chantix. OK, yes, you and I are in this together. Don't fail me and I won't fail you Heck, quittin the booze was easier than quittin the smokes.

Learn2Live

Chicory, no, they never had any savings. Services for my brother are hit or miss because they never have enough beds for the mentally ill. He had a good set-up once but he is schizophrenic-he walked away from the residence to live in the woods behind the liquor store.