Angry Again
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I honestly think there is something wrong with me. I don't know what any doctor is going to call it, they've called it so many things, but it really doesn't matter what it's called because I KNOW the TRUTH. Which is:
Over the course of about a year and a half, when I was in my late twenties, there were some things that happened in my life that were stressful and difficult to handle. Normal (but $hitty) life things related to employment and housing and family. Each one of those things that happened in my life was what they refer to as a "Major Life Stressor." In and of themselves, they would have been difficult to handle but manageable, the problem was they happened in succession over a short period of time. With no stable family to speak of, it was difficult for me and the stress seemed to never end. I became clinically depressed and did not know it. So I was not treated for it.
"Luckily" (sarcasm) I was in a relationship with a man who had asked me to marry him, etc etc (all the usual lies) who was my "soul mate." We finished eachother's sentences, cut from the same cloth, all the usual things people describe about why it is so hard to let go of another person. But little did I know what it meant when he had told me, "I'm a recovering crack addict, X years clean." I THOUGHT it meant he was a strong person. But what it meant was, while I was going through these difficulties, and supporting him, giving him money, etc, he was just taking taking taking. And then the ************ cheated on me, and my life ******* fell apart. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was a flipping MESS for a long time after that. That is when I got into Recovery, THAT is when I found Al-Anon, and THAT is when I began to learn how to live.
But here is THE TRUTH: I have NEVER recovered from the trauma that I experienced from what this person did to me, the lack of support, the constantly and continuously taking from me without any thought of return, the lies, the betrayal, the negativity, the meanness, the cruelty. ALL of it CHANGED me and I have never been the same since. I believe that the damage we suffer from our dealings with alcoholics and addicts can PERMANENTLY affect our brains and how we function later in life.
I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life. I have to figure out how to fix this about me.
Over the course of about a year and a half, when I was in my late twenties, there were some things that happened in my life that were stressful and difficult to handle. Normal (but $hitty) life things related to employment and housing and family. Each one of those things that happened in my life was what they refer to as a "Major Life Stressor." In and of themselves, they would have been difficult to handle but manageable, the problem was they happened in succession over a short period of time. With no stable family to speak of, it was difficult for me and the stress seemed to never end. I became clinically depressed and did not know it. So I was not treated for it.
"Luckily" (sarcasm) I was in a relationship with a man who had asked me to marry him, etc etc (all the usual lies) who was my "soul mate." We finished eachother's sentences, cut from the same cloth, all the usual things people describe about why it is so hard to let go of another person. But little did I know what it meant when he had told me, "I'm a recovering crack addict, X years clean." I THOUGHT it meant he was a strong person. But what it meant was, while I was going through these difficulties, and supporting him, giving him money, etc, he was just taking taking taking. And then the ************ cheated on me, and my life ******* fell apart. It was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was a flipping MESS for a long time after that. That is when I got into Recovery, THAT is when I found Al-Anon, and THAT is when I began to learn how to live.
But here is THE TRUTH: I have NEVER recovered from the trauma that I experienced from what this person did to me, the lack of support, the constantly and continuously taking from me without any thought of return, the lies, the betrayal, the negativity, the meanness, the cruelty. ALL of it CHANGED me and I have never been the same since. I believe that the damage we suffer from our dealings with alcoholics and addicts can PERMANENTLY affect our brains and how we function later in life.
I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life. I have to figure out how to fix this about me.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I had a period where those major life stresses were piled up one on top of the other and I also got in a soul-mate/soul-sick relationship.
It knocked me down for quite a while.
It has been 7 years ago since that ended and it did effect me but I think really the only thing that lingers from that relationship now is that I learned verbal abuse and I wish I had never learned to fight back that way...KNIM? I don't say those things but it still bothers me how I can get those crazy thoughts in my head.
Then again...who knows who I would be or where my life would be had those things not happened?
I dunno... But I can't undo them
It knocked me down for quite a while.
It has been 7 years ago since that ended and it did effect me but I think really the only thing that lingers from that relationship now is that I learned verbal abuse and I wish I had never learned to fight back that way...KNIM? I don't say those things but it still bothers me how I can get those crazy thoughts in my head.
Then again...who knows who I would be or where my life would be had those things not happened?
I dunno... But I can't undo them
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,057
L2L, I'm glad you called the doctor. A while back, I remember you mentioning several things that had happened to you in your young life that you have never talked to a professional about. I hope you find or have a fantastic doctor who can get you started on the right track to resolution and healing. That's my prayer for you right now. You are really pretty amazing and I think God has some extra good things ahead for you. Just my feeling...
Hugs and peace to you.
Hugs and peace to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
Learn2Live, I am so sorry you are having such a hard time. I can tell how much you love your mom.I see a Step One here..you are powerless over your mothers addiction to your father and brother. You can't stop her codependency any more than you can stop someones drinking. Maybe surrendering, handing it over... I know so much easier said then done, but if you can let go..how much better would you feel?Hang in there...
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time with your mothers choices. It seems to me, that since you have decided to financially help your mother no matter what, perhaps it is time to accept what you cannot change and accept your decision to help no matter what. Perhaps the acceptance would relieve some of the anger issues. To me, there is no reason to be angry if you have made a concious choice to enable.
Maybe a visit to a professional would help you sort everything out.
In any case, I hope today is a better day for you.
Maybe a visit to a professional would help you sort everything out.
In any case, I hope today is a better day for you.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by teresaq 
im a smoker still...and wondering about myself as i read the op....since i cant hurt them im hurting myself by going off and smoking?
or i havent learned to take that frustration and pain to Jesus yet?
i am starting to learn to "live by every word..." by taking a text and really concentrate/meditate on/believe it....i so pray i dont drift from doing that...
Thanks for sharing. I needed to be reminded of the fact that I have found strength in reading the Bible.
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
sorry about the "Jesus" stuff...i was thinking i was responding to a different part of the forum.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: ca
Posts: 25
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Yes, it could be. I have had that thought about my smoking before too.
Like Coyote posted above, Step 1 of the Program: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. Then, Step 2: Came to believe that a power higher than ourselves could restore us to sanity. So, yes, it is a certain changing of our minds to accept that there is someone larger and more powerful than us who is in charge. Then, Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. This is what is behind Let Go and Let God. We accept that we cannot control anything and turn it over. It helps us to let go of the worry and the frantic trying to control, etc. Yes, it also helps us to let go of anger. But in my case, I have been having a hard time with this, as is apparent from this thread.
When I finally got a Higher Power about 2 years ago (when I finally allowed myself to have faith in a Higher Power) I did this also. It was great to have someone to talk about the scriptures with. I really did find strength in them. But then the person I felt very comfortable doing this with, who I shared this with, left and I didn't let him come back. Which was OK, because it was not a good relationship for many reasons (he kept relapsing and being with other women), but I have not found someone else who I feel comfortable discussing scriptures with.
Thanks for sharing. I needed to be reminded of the fact that I have found strength in reading the Bible.
Like Coyote posted above, Step 1 of the Program: We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable. Then, Step 2: Came to believe that a power higher than ourselves could restore us to sanity. So, yes, it is a certain changing of our minds to accept that there is someone larger and more powerful than us who is in charge. Then, Step 3: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him. This is what is behind Let Go and Let God. We accept that we cannot control anything and turn it over. It helps us to let go of the worry and the frantic trying to control, etc. Yes, it also helps us to let go of anger. But in my case, I have been having a hard time with this, as is apparent from this thread.
When I finally got a Higher Power about 2 years ago (when I finally allowed myself to have faith in a Higher Power) I did this also. It was great to have someone to talk about the scriptures with. I really did find strength in them. But then the person I felt very comfortable doing this with, who I shared this with, left and I didn't let him come back. Which was OK, because it was not a good relationship for many reasons (he kept relapsing and being with other women), but I have not found someone else who I feel comfortable discussing scriptures with.
Thanks for sharing. I needed to be reminded of the fact that I have found strength in reading the Bible.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I have felt paralysed in mind and body during a few awful situations, and could not have moved myself to action at all. I felt so stupid afterwards, and also very fearful of the "next time".
I would be furious at the idea of my mum, working so hard for a pair of selfish folks, and it feels a normal reaction to me. Unfortunately she is, after so many years of doing this, almost certainly conditioned to it, and trying to change that is a long process, which often does not work completely.
Maybe you could give her personal gifts she wouldn't think of, or couldn't afford, or take her somewhere she doesn't have to lift a finger. It can be done as my friend did it to her "grouch" mum, by saying she was uncomfortable doing such and such by herself, and begged mum to help her out.
When RABF quit smoking in Feb I said I would join him, thinking it wouldn't last long.
AAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Well, he still hasn't touched a smoke, and so I haven't either.
It is getting easier, but there are times I could very easily light up, and the only thing that stops me.....I will NOT be beaten by my Alcoholic Kiwi. So stay strong L2L.
By the way I named my youngest girl Beth, from my favourite book, Little Women.
I would be furious at the idea of my mum, working so hard for a pair of selfish folks, and it feels a normal reaction to me. Unfortunately she is, after so many years of doing this, almost certainly conditioned to it, and trying to change that is a long process, which often does not work completely.
Maybe you could give her personal gifts she wouldn't think of, or couldn't afford, or take her somewhere she doesn't have to lift a finger. It can be done as my friend did it to her "grouch" mum, by saying she was uncomfortable doing such and such by herself, and begged mum to help her out.
When RABF quit smoking in Feb I said I would join him, thinking it wouldn't last long.
AAAAAhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Well, he still hasn't touched a smoke, and so I haven't either.
It is getting easier, but there are times I could very easily light up, and the only thing that stops me.....I will NOT be beaten by my Alcoholic Kiwi. So stay strong L2L.
By the way I named my youngest girl Beth, from my favourite book, Little Women.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: europe
Posts: 624
For what is worth I think you're doing great!
I think you're very beautifu, strong, wise, remarquable woman. I don't know where you were when you started your recovery, but I do believe you got really far, even though it doesn't seem that way to you right now.
It is visible from your posts that you're centred and that you do have peace. On the other hand I don't think it is possible to maintain that constantly in each of life hard situations. We come across the new hardships every often in life, as you do right now, and than we lose our center for awhile, long past traumas surface and the world feels out of balance once again. But the good and important thing is that doesn't remove all the progress we made over the years, it just overshadows it for a bit, which is what is happening right now for you IMO. And after losing ourselves for a minute or two, we always come back stronger. I don't worry about you for one second as I've seen your wisdom and the beauty of your heart on these boards often.
Last week my RAH relapsed, after 4 months of sobriety. Initially I went into shock, and felt like I'm back on square one, like I never did any work on myself at all. All the bad things from the past surfaced, all the traumas (the war I lived through, being a refugee; my AF dieing when my mum was diagnozed with cancer; madness of living with active alsoholism, the whole lot), I left overwhelmed, like a faliure, like I never did one single right thing in my life, like I never had anything but hurt in my life. I was feeling like this for 2 days, and than I slowly remembered all the good things, all the progess I've made on myself, and most of all that the way I feel is something I can choose. And I felt centred again, I became gratefull for all the good things again, I remember all that hardship, as painful as it was, has given me so much, it has given me: me, the way I am today: strong and better person. I remembered my life was hard, but I got so much in return, and I can chose do I want to be bitter about things I didn't have or grateful for the things I did. I kind of think my HP never gave me more than I can handle. I do believe there is a some great Plan for me, and I'm trusting my HP.
You're going through the rough patch right now, but you have so many recovery tools under your belt, and I'm confident you'll be back on your recovery path very soon stronger and wiser than ever.
Take care
I think you're very beautifu, strong, wise, remarquable woman. I don't know where you were when you started your recovery, but I do believe you got really far, even though it doesn't seem that way to you right now.
It is visible from your posts that you're centred and that you do have peace. On the other hand I don't think it is possible to maintain that constantly in each of life hard situations. We come across the new hardships every often in life, as you do right now, and than we lose our center for awhile, long past traumas surface and the world feels out of balance once again. But the good and important thing is that doesn't remove all the progress we made over the years, it just overshadows it for a bit, which is what is happening right now for you IMO. And after losing ourselves for a minute or two, we always come back stronger. I don't worry about you for one second as I've seen your wisdom and the beauty of your heart on these boards often.
Last week my RAH relapsed, after 4 months of sobriety. Initially I went into shock, and felt like I'm back on square one, like I never did any work on myself at all. All the bad things from the past surfaced, all the traumas (the war I lived through, being a refugee; my AF dieing when my mum was diagnozed with cancer; madness of living with active alsoholism, the whole lot), I left overwhelmed, like a faliure, like I never did one single right thing in my life, like I never had anything but hurt in my life. I was feeling like this for 2 days, and than I slowly remembered all the good things, all the progess I've made on myself, and most of all that the way I feel is something I can choose. And I felt centred again, I became gratefull for all the good things again, I remember all that hardship, as painful as it was, has given me so much, it has given me: me, the way I am today: strong and better person. I remembered my life was hard, but I got so much in return, and I can chose do I want to be bitter about things I didn't have or grateful for the things I did. I kind of think my HP never gave me more than I can handle. I do believe there is a some great Plan for me, and I'm trusting my HP.
You're going through the rough patch right now, but you have so many recovery tools under your belt, and I'm confident you'll be back on your recovery path very soon stronger and wiser than ever.
Take care
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by dollydo
To stop thinking about "The Problem" I suggest "The Chicken Dance":
Anyone who's not chicken, stand in a circle facing each other.
When the music starts, hold your hands out in front of you and open and close them like a chicken beak four times.
Put your thumbs in your armpits and flap your wings four times.
Place your arms and hands like the tail feathers of a chicken and wiggle down to the floor four times.
Clap four times.
Repeat steps 1-5 four times.
After the fourth time take the hands of the people on either side of you and everyone move in a circle.
When you get dizzy, switch directions.
Repeat until the end of the music or until you fall on the floor.
Works for me!
Anyone who's not chicken, stand in a circle facing each other.
When the music starts, hold your hands out in front of you and open and close them like a chicken beak four times.
Put your thumbs in your armpits and flap your wings four times.
Place your arms and hands like the tail feathers of a chicken and wiggle down to the floor four times.
Clap four times.
Repeat steps 1-5 four times.
After the fourth time take the hands of the people on either side of you and everyone move in a circle.
When you get dizzy, switch directions.
Repeat until the end of the music or until you fall on the floor.
Works for me!
To thine own self be true.
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Dad has been sober for two days now. Cold turkey, no detox, no program. I think it is because of the money situation. The last time he did this, he made it two months. It was great, I called him two and three times every day just to talk to him. Let's see what happens...
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