Need help sorting this out

Old 10-02-2010, 05:13 AM
  # 41 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Iowa
Posts: 42
We had a conversation yesterday where I told her about my issues in our relationship, mostly about the alcohol. I told her exactly how her drinking is a problem for me and covered one other HUGE issue that I've set some boundaries for but she continues to break them. I got very little reaction out of her during the conversation besides some excuses. Of course, what she got from it is that our issues are all her fault. I wanted to tell her that I believe they are but waited to see if she could illustrate how any of it is my fault. I'm not perfect, I wholly accept and admit that, but she didn't have any explanation for how any of my issues with her are my fault (meaning how my feelings about her behaviors are irrational) and didn't try to vocalize anything she had a problem with.

We did go to the wedding reception last night. She didn't drink and didn't seem to have any fun. We did leave at a decent time and came home to watch a movie together as a family. She made a big deal about not staying out, though. She asked me over and over if spending some family time together last night would be a "start" to fixing things. I told her it's only a start if she follows through with future active demonstration that she's working on fixing things. She didn't like that answer, told me that if she stayed home and then I told her this weekend that it wasn't going to work out she'd be mad that she stayed home. I called her on that, asking if she truly meant that, and she said she didn't mean it the way it came out but wasn't able to explain exactly what she DID mean.

I didn't give her any more ultimatums. I told her she has a chance of me not leaving if she starts showing me she was working on things this month. She wanted me to tell her that if she showed that she was trying to work on it (namely by staying home last night) that I wouldn't leave at all and I refused to do so. I think how she reacts to that statement in the next few weeks will be telling. I will be looking for a place to go this month and getting things in order financially to be able to do so. I don't know that I can realistically be able to move in a month but I'll sure try. And I'll be going to Al-Anon regardless.

I'm not optimistic about things, though. I'm glad I didn't get a whole bunch more pleading and excuses like I was expecting to get but this total silence in return was quite unexpected. No apologies either, heartfelt or not. She has absolutely no visible remorse for lying to me last weekend about not going to work or on another big issue that I brought up that happened recently, so I don't know if she still feels justified or is trying to save face by stonewalling. I don't entirely believe her about where she was Saturday, either, but I'll let it go because I don't have any evidence to the contrary, only gut feelings. Now I wait with one foot out the door.
evenkeel is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to evenkeel For This Useful Post:
Pelican (10-02-2010)
Old 10-02-2010, 05:21 AM
  # 42 (permalink)  
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Iowa
Posts: 42
Originally Posted by KerBearz View Post
Hi evenkeel,

I just wanted to tell you that I totally understand the loneliness of being married to an alcoholic.
In your posts, I heard you say a couple of times that you regret all the times you drank with her, went to bars with her, etc. You are not alone in this! Many of us have done the very same thing.
I am SO GLAD to know I'm not the only one. I feel like a total fool for not recognizing the issues for what they were earlier on and enabling her for so long, partially without knowing it. But I guess that's the nature of the beast, so now that I know and understand I won't be doing those things anymore.
evenkeel is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to evenkeel For This Useful Post:
Pelican (10-02-2010)
Old 10-02-2010, 05:28 AM
  # 43 (permalink)  
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Blog Entries: 5
I have found that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Please take good care of yourself.
Learn2Live is offline  
Old 10-02-2010, 05:52 AM
  # 44 (permalink)  
peaceful seabird
Pelican's Avatar
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
You were doing the best you could with the information you had at the time.

Be gentle with yourself as you begin your personal recovery journey.

Part of my personal recovery is learning to forgive myself, love myself and take care of myself. While living with active alcoholism, I was often accepting the blame tossed my way and doubting myself. Accepting someone else's guilt and doubting myself were unhealthy reactions to alcoholism.

Alanon, SR and self-improvement books have helped me to forgive myself, love myself and take better care of ME.

Keep reaching out for the help and support you need. We are here for you!
Pelican is offline  
The Following User Says Thank You to Pelican For This Useful Post:
Learn2Live (10-02-2010)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:07 AM.