You were doing the best you could with the information you had at the time.
Be gentle with yourself as you begin your personal recovery journey.
Part of my personal recovery is learning to forgive myself, love myself and take care of myself. While living with active alcoholism, I was often accepting the blame tossed my way and doubting myself. Accepting someone else's guilt and doubting myself were unhealthy reactions to alcoholism.
Alanon, SR and self-improvement books have helped me to forgive myself, love myself and take better care of ME.
Keep reaching out for the help and support you need. We are here for you!