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Apparently, I am a terrible wife and friend.

Old 10-01-2010, 10:42 AM
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Apparently, I am a terrible wife and friend.

At least this is what AH told me last night because I told him I was un-supportive of his decision to....Wait for it....



BUY A BAR!


Seriously.

Nevermind that he is an Alcoholic (and only recently 'trying' to be sober for 2 1/2 weeks now....). Nevermind that he has only worked in bars/restaurants during his heavy drinking phases. Nevermind that he/we are in no financial position to buy ANY business, let alone THAT one.
According to him I am terrible
On the plus side, he is finally getting paychecks and I'm chiseling away at the small debt we have. I paid off one big bill this past week, and while it was a struggle for a couple of days (we ate lots of Eggs, bologna, cereal and mac 'n Cheese...), it is PAID! I'm searching yard sales for things I will need in my own place. I *think* I have found an apartment I can afford, and the man who owns them, has several different sets, so when I'm ready, I will have a place. *sigh*. As another thread stated, I just keep hoping (blindly..yes, I know) he'll snap out of it, I know he won't and so I'm preparing for the inevitable.
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Old 10-01-2010, 10:45 AM
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wow, that's a new one. Or maybe it's an old one and I'm just not well-travelled enough.

Shame on you for not buying that bar with him.

Ok.

Can I laugh now?

I don't want to laugh at your plight Circle, it's just, well, ridiculous.

Kudos to you for looking for an apartment! And YAY for paying off that bill. I know it always makes me feel so relieved when bills are paid off.
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Old 10-01-2010, 11:02 AM
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Reminds me of a little kid going, "You're the worst mom ever!!!" because you won't let them stay up late on a school night or something.
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Old 10-01-2010, 11:03 AM
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Really, Circle, you're not thinking outside the box on this one. Shame on you.

Just look at all the money your poor brilliant husband is trying to save your family by having his very OWN bar to drink in for FREE any time night or day.

You are obviously a woman of limited vision, and just don't have the ability to see the WHOLE picture.

Thanks and God bless us all,
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Old 10-01-2010, 11:13 AM
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Originally Posted by coyote21 View Post
Really, Circle, you're not thinking outside the box on this one. Shame on you.

Just look at all the money your poor brilliant husband is trying to save your family by having his very OWN bar to drink in for FREE any time night or day.

You are obviously a woman of limited vision, and just don't have the ability to see the WHOLE picture.


On a more serious note, just what does 'inevitable' constitute, Circle? What is the deal-breaker for you?

Personally I prefer to make my own decisions based on what is best for my life, and not hinged on what someone else does/doesn't do.
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Old 10-01-2010, 11:41 AM
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Freedom- right now the deal breaker is when he starts drinking again. AH has 'stopped' drinking since the last 'If you can't/won't quit drinking, we should look into separating' talk. I don't buy it for a second that he's done for good. I really, really, really can not move out on my own with our debt. So I am taking steps (albeit small ones) to get out of this situation. I never wanted to be here, I'm over crying/mulling about it, and as I come to terms with what I'm pretty sure means the end of our relationship, I'm trying to dig my way out.

I've been laughing/stunned all morning long about not being supportive in his endeavors to buy a bar. It sucked while he was all excited telling me his new idea last night because as soon as he stated his idea, he immediately saw I wasn't on board. I was in restaurant work for 13 years, 6 of which was management, and I have NO DESIRE to ever do that again now that I'm out of the business. I barely tried to defend my position and AH went into silent treatment mode. I'm considering sending him an email stating the circumstances where I'd be willing to be supportive of him owning his own business, but I'm pretty sure it would fall on deaf ears. You know, because I'd be talking about crazy things like downsizing, saving money, needing a business plan....responsible things like that.
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Old 10-01-2010, 12:08 PM
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Yep...you'd be crazy to talk about BUDGETING for a business idea. I mean, really Circle, I don't know where you get these ideas! :p

I think your plan in sound....stash money away, slowly but surely. You're doing so awesome!
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Old 10-01-2010, 01:31 PM
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You're not alone Circle, not at all.

My XABF talked of moving overseas and owning a traditional pub. Talk, talk, talk is all it was and yet I actually thought at one point that we should do it because he seemed so suited for it. Yes, it's true, I actually used those words once. It was before I accepted his binge drinking as a real problem with alcohol and before I accepted it as an addiction.

Near the end when the talk started about "ditchin' it all here and moving overseas to run a pub" again, I filled out the papers for him to get a passport and gave them to him to sign. When out running errands together I drove right to a photo shop to get his picture taken for the passport, and he would not get out of the car. I sent an email overseas to a job placement service to get him working over there and so he could find us a place to live then I would pack up our pets and the house and meet him over there. When the email came back with jobs available, he deleted it and refused to discuss this 10+ year dream of his any further.

By this point let me say, I had no intention of ever moving myself and my pets anywhere with him. My point was two-fold. 1) to prove once and for all to myself whether he would ever after a decade actually amount to any big plans he had and if he did, it would 2) get him out of my life and allow me some recovery time to move on with him far far away.

It was sad to accept, but very liberating also to know that he had no intention of doing anything with himself. He intended for me to do all the work so he could reap the rewards and then drink himself to death because he knew he didn't deserve it. He had done it with many plans we made together over the years, I just didn't have the good sense to see it. Recovery took those blinders off.

I know what its like to not be financially ready to get out on your own and figuring if you have to wait why not hope he gets his act together in that time. That's how it started for me. I put my money aside, I made plans in the background, and waited.

In the end he lost his job leaving us without our housing that came with his job and I had to jump ship or sink with him. It was scary as all get out but easier to accept by then because he had spiralled in his drinking in the short time from his layoff to our last day there, so his decision to choose the booze over me was apparent.

Keep on pluggin along and more will be revealed to you!

Alice
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Old 10-01-2010, 02:16 PM
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Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice View Post
You're not alone Circle, not at all.

My XABF talked of moving overseas and owning a traditional pub. Talk, talk, talk is all it was and yet I actually thought at one point that we should do it because he seemed so suited for it. Yes, it's true, I actually used those words once. It was before I accepted his binge drinking as a real problem with alcohol and before I accepted it as an addiction.

Near the end when the talk started about "ditchin' it all here and moving overseas to run a pub" again, I filled out the papers for him to get a passport and gave them to him to sign. When out running errands together I drove right to a photo shop to get his picture taken for the passport, and he would not get out of the car. I sent an email overseas to a job placement service to get him working over there and so he could find us a place to live then I would pack up our pets and the house and meet him over there. When the email came back with jobs available, he deleted it and refused to discuss this 10+ year dream of his any further.

Alice
AH has had the 'self-employed dream' for as long as I've known him. I went ahead and sent him an email with ways we can work towards self-employment, but that I will NEVER be supportive of him owing a bar or willing to mortgage our house. All responses were about hurt feelings and how I just don't believe in him to the last one about how he'll just work crap jobs until the next less-crappy job comes along. My very short responses were that 'you don't want it if you're giving up this fast'. His birthday is this weekend as well, so I'm sure I'll hear something about how I ruined what was supposed to be a special time for him (cue violins.....).
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Old 10-01-2010, 08:26 PM
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Don't be too harsh on yourself because you're not currently in the financial position to go it alone. I worked for two years to pay down my debt and make all the necessary repairs to my house so I'd be capable of paying the bills myself once I forced my boyfriend to move out.

Those two years were financially and emotionally difficult because I had to put up with so much intolerable behavior, but I kept my eye on my goal--freedom.

When it gets especially hard, just remember that every day that passes you're getting closer to reaching your goal.
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Old 10-01-2010, 10:29 PM
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All responses were about hurt feelings and how I just don't believe in him to the last one about how he'll just work crap jobs until the next less-crappy job comes along. My very short responses were that 'you don't want it if you're giving up this fast'.

Oh my! I lost count of the number of jobs he "lost out on" because of me. Ah, the millions he missed out on. On and on. Rediculous.

Your response, by the way, was brilliant!

Alice
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Old 10-02-2010, 01:52 AM
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I was just browsing around and read this sorry to butt in. Im an alcoholic and addict I know its not funny but i was thinking why didnt I ever try that one with my wife sounds like one of my great alcoholic plans.
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Old 10-02-2010, 05:00 AM
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Oh dear, I am rather muddled, as to which of these items I should send you, to help him reach his dream.
He said he had a dream for a bar, and this does seem apt,


but also this seems to suit him perfectly.
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Old 10-02-2010, 07:26 AM
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think we have same since of humor to funny thanks for the laugh.
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Old 10-02-2010, 07:51 AM
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offering my support, circle.

you will find your little hole to get out. you are taking steps, which in itself is empowering.

with ya, girl.
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