HurtingAgain

Thanks again to all of you for the support and encouragement. It helps more than you know. Today was a slightly better day. After spending all night tossing and turning and seething with anger, I finally came to the understanding that this will either end our marriage, or it may be the crisis we needed to help strengthen it. Either way, I will somehow survive.

I had my first visit with a counselor today, and she felt that the infidelity, while inexcusable, was most likely a symptom of his losing his grip on the disease. She agreed that it would be best for him to take time on his own during early sobriety before we work on the really emotional part of dealing with the affair.

AH stopped by for a few minutes to talk, and I somehow managed to talk to him without crying and yellling. I told him that while I hate the things he's done, I still love him and have hope that he can one day join our family again. I said that I'm going to do my best to detach from him and try to heal myself, and that if was serious about rebuilding our marriage he would prove it to me by his actions, but until that point I was no longer able to live with active alcoholism in my life, and with the disrespect he has given to our marriage. I told him that I'll hold off on filing any papers for a few months until we've both had some time to evaluate where we want to go from here. He's still not ready to talk about the tough stuff yet, but did say that he wants to be a family again and intends to work the steps this time instead of just going through the motions of attending meetings.

We'll see where we go from here. It's still so d*mn hard and my heart is still breaking, especially when I see him and just want him to come home to us, but I feel like I took a small step forward tonight. In the meantime, all I can do is give him to God and pray for a miracle.

littlefish

I am so sorry you are going through this. But you are a strong and sensible person because you made very wise choices there. It is a very good idea for you to detach and heal yourself. And, he definitely needs to work on his sobriety. It sounds like the "sobriety" he had before was just going through the motions.
Just curious why he is going to mandatory AA meetings? Does he have a dui violation?

TakingCharge999

Kickboxing helps a ton. The other day the teacher congratulated me. I imagine i am hitting everyone that has hurt me in some way. For our mind there is no difference between reality and the imaginary. So its like i really hit them, got my revenge, and I can rest. I hope you find a physical outlet so the anger doesn't consume you inside - it can later make you sick. Write how you feel, burn the paper, exercise, take it out in constructive ways........ this was not your fault. At ALL.

HurtingAgain

Yes, I think that while the sobriety he had before was a blessing, he really wasn't working the steps to understand the root of the problem, and he was probably bound to relapse eventually. I think the extended periods of time away from home for military training just sped up the inevitable. The meetings are mandatory only in the sense that he voluntarily signed up for a program through the VA where he has to get signatures for meeting attendanceat least 3 times a week. He can leave the program any time he wishes, but the meetings are a necessary part of the program if he wishes to continue.