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Never knew this could hurt to much

Old 09-28-2010, 11:41 AM
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Never knew this could hurt to much

Well it has been 4 days since I discovered AH's affairs and I am an emotional wreck. Can't eat, and can't sleep, and I go from anger and hatred and rage to missing my best friend and mourning the wonderful marriage we used to have before alcohol took over.

AH was sober for approx. 6 months, but had to leave home for military training for a month. That's when he started drinking again, and the affair began. It's been going on for almost 4 months and I discovered there were two other women that he was communicating with at the same time, but supposedly not sleeping with. Everything I ever believed about our marriage has been shattered. I always thought his problem was alcohol, not women, but I guess the two go hand in hand. He tells me that he never stopped loving me, but felt so bad about himself that he craved the positive attention that the other women gave him.

I have loved this man since I was 15 years old and don't know how to say goodbye to him or to our marriage. When not drinking he's a loving, considerate, warm, funny, sensitive, and moral man. But the alcohol makes him sullen, withdrawn, and irresponsible. And now I have to deal with the fact that he's betrayed our marriage vows as well. I always thought that cheating was a deal breaker, but I keep wondering how much of his behavior is attributed to the disease and how much is just poor moral character. I am mourning the loss of our life together and the beautiful future we had planned. I love him and hate him, and never want to see him again, and want him to be back at home all at the same time.

He is committing to recovery and is seeing a therapist once a week, mandatory AA meetings at least 3 times a week, and has been taking naltrexone. I want desperately to save our marriage because I still love him with all my heart and knows he loves me too. But I don't know if I can or should deal with the problems of infidelity and alcoholism all at once. My initial reaction was to file divorce papers immediately, but friends have advised me to avoid making permanent decisions until the initial shock wears off and I've had some time to process this. I have an appt. with an individual counselor this week and AH is willing to go to marriage counseling as well, but I don't know if this is a lost cause. I know there's nothing else I can do but work on myself and pray for a miracle. This is the worst pain I've ever experienced and I hate this disease so much.
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Old 09-28-2010, 12:19 PM
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You know the old adage "What do you get when you sober up a horse thief? A sober horse thief"....I think you simply cannot attribute his infidelity to his recovery from addiction. Just because he was feeling low about himself does not justify dallying around with not one, but two women.

I understand your deep love for this person, but you cannot dissociate the sober person from the drunk person nor from the unfaithful one. They are all one and the same man. Are you ready and willing to accept him as he is today, completely?

As a woman who's been the cheater, several times over, I can tell you that once I started doing it, it just became easier to keep on doing it. Somehow there was a loophole in my head that made it oh-so-justifyable. I reasoned with myself that I *needed* to cheat, and that I would never be discovered. In the end, it just served to destroy my relationships and bring my self-esteem lower than I ever thought possible. And then, perhaps as a little kick in the ass from HP, 6 years after I made a vow to never be unfaithful again because I just refused to be that despicable woman anymore, I was cheated on and got myself a nice STD with it too.

As much as I understand your pain, I hope to also caution you gently to be careful about relapses, as much in the addiction department as in the infidelity department.

In the meantime, be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to mourn.
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Old 09-28-2010, 01:06 PM
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HURTING: (((hug))), I so feel your pain, I found out close to 2 months ago I was cheated on and I still have so many emotions running through me.
I hate him, love him, glad I left him, sad I left him, wished we tried harder, happy I can have a new life, sad to have to let go of my old life with him......
It's the rollercoaster of emotions one feels when they are deeply and totally betrayed.

There is no excuse for cheating, none! But I will say this, addicts have impulse control issues (read my thread on addictive personality disorders). They are just so weak, tired, sad, and lacking self worth, they just do anything to fill that void.
I know one thing for sure, this sort of cheating has nothing to do with anything you did, it's just about them. Addictions thrive on secrecy and selfishness.
Cheating is just another high for them.

Don't make any decisions now. But if he's not working a program and refraining from the drink or women, you need to make the plan to leave. It doesn't get better without help.
You may also want to consider Al Anon and therapy.

My ex said he was going to work his program and work on himself for what he did to me, but my gut tells me he's keeping up with his affair so in my case, there is no chance to work it out. That doesn't mean your H will do the same.
These men are good men, but they have a disorder for which they can't admit unless they hurt enough inside.

There is hope, I've seen couples recover from this, but only if both people are working a program and only if there is mutal respect.
The question is, do you want to wait and can you live with knowing how much work is involved with being with a recoverying addict or do you want to move on and make a new life with less stress, improve you and find a relationship with someone you can trust.

Answers will take time because you're trying to process all the madness right now.
Keep talking it out

and p.s, I could not eat or sleep for 4 weeks after I found out. I lost so much weight (fit into my size 3 jeans again), but I slowly forced myself to eat and sleep. It's hard to eat and sleep I know, but try eating small healthy things throughout the day
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Old 09-28-2010, 01:54 PM
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My axw was a cheater long before the "wheels fell off" of the alcoholism wagon.

My initial response was to move out also, but even though my DD was only 2 at the time, and I still put her to bed and woke her up, she somehow knew I was out of the house. It broke my heart.

After a month I'd consulted a divorce lawyer and was told "good luck" getting custody from your cheating wife, cause judges don't care about that. I decided to move back home.

Decided LMC and I hadn't really done anything wrong, so it was foolish for me to punish US for her mom's infidelity. Decided I'd swallow my pride and put up with what ever, in order to wake up under the same roof as my child.

Infidelity AND alcoholism are progressive in my personal experience. Oddly, my wifes alcoholism is what finally allowed me to get out of that sh!tty marriage with my little girl in tow. Axw began to stay out all night leaving me home with our daughter regularly toward the end.

After it was all said and done one of my XMIL's told me it was lucky that LMC was the spitting image of me. Seems my axw had been coming to visit them on weekends, a few hours away, but NOT staying with them, for most of our 11 year marriage. Nice.

I got on a website, infidelity dot com, which helped some if I remember correctly.

Good luck with your recovery, what ever you decide. I does suck so very bad.

Thanks and God bless us all,
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Old 09-28-2010, 02:51 PM
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((hurtingagain))

I hate so much you are going thru this pain - I'm sure it must be heartbreaking.

Please try to take care of yourself ~ self-care is very important right now - your physical, mental & emotional health needs every ounce of your recovery to help you thru this.

Seems like it is a lot to process and try to decide today, while still trying to deal with all the emotions of finding out ~ is it possible that you can give yourself some time to just "feel" what you are going thru ~ maybe then you can decide what you wanna do.

I don't know if it was alcoholism related or cheaters always cheat - etc. - that's not my call to make ~ but I know in my situation ~ if I make decisions while extremely emotional - I usually second quess those decisions.

it is usually healthier for me to process the emotions, then seek guidance from my HP as to what is His will and His plan for my life when I am at a healthier place to see the path I need to take for my life.

If pressured by others in my life, I simply say "I am not at the point to make the decision - when I'm ready I'll let you know. Until then I'd appreciate your quiet support."

Only you & your HP know what is best for YOU!!!!

PINK HUGS,
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Old 09-28-2010, 03:18 PM
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Thank you to all for all your support. My friends and family have all been by my side through this, but no one else understands the true impact unless they've experienced the emotional turmoil of loving an alcoholic. There's two pieces to deal with, both the infidelity and the alcoholism, so it's not as black and white (leave him or stay) as others not affected by the disease may think.

AH just came by to talk and suggested that we hold off on making any decisions until he has a few more weeks' sobriety behind him. He is staying at a friend's for now, attending meetings and seeing a therapist once a week. He thinks I should go to my individual counseling sessions, and then in a few weeks' time we can go together and start making decisions on the marriage. He said his main concentration now has to be on staying sober, because without that there will be no marriage to work on anyway.

I've been frustrated with his flat affect and seeming lack of remorse and emotion. He told me today that he's in turmoil inside for what he did, but can't let his emotions take over because it will cause him to drink again. He said his sobriety is still too new (a little over a week) to really put our emotions on the table and that it's better to wait until he has a firmer grasp on recovery. This is understandable, but still so hard to hear when all I want for him to do is cry, tell me how sorry he is, beg for forgiveness, etc. But I will try to work on my own recovery right now, let AH concentrate on his, and let the rest reveal itself in time. Easier said than done.....
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Old 09-28-2010, 03:25 PM
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HURT: my ex didn't show remorse either and he blamed. It was more hurtful than the actual cheating.

As the weeks went on, I saw he was a little more hurt by his actions, but I think you're right, if they show emotions, they will probably break down and drink.

It's a good idea to both take time away and let him work on his issues and sobriety and you work on yours.
When my ex and I first separated, we also decided to move on and work on our own selves, but with no expections of the outcome.
I've not seen him and we don't speak so we are just living our lives now.
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Old 09-28-2010, 04:20 PM
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HurtingAgain,

In therapy there are many exercises where you get the closure you need - I hope you consider going to a therapist, this is tough - I lived like 5% of what you have lived, nothing really yet I am amazed at how much sadness I still carry. You don't have to go through this process alone. Hugs.
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Old 09-28-2010, 04:36 PM
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Cheating to me is a whole different ball of wax. There are many people who are cheaters and are not an alcoholic or drug addict. They are just cheaters.

I am sorry that you are in so much pain.

I do agree, sit back, pay attention to his actions, not his words. Get ypurself in the right frame of mind before you make any major decisions.
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Old 09-28-2010, 05:05 PM
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I suggest the basics - no decisions until things calm down.

Exercise caution.

Talk to others, therapist, alanon, objective fam and fr.

Know that it will be worked through if both are working at it.

Take care of yourself! Eat when you can, sleep and get up and take a walk. Do one thing that you enjoyed doing before this.

Remember, it is only time before things clear up and you will sort out what to do - no rushing - it will all get done.
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Old 09-29-2010, 12:05 PM
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I'm having some trouble today with concentrating on my own recovery and not forcing the issue. I'm starting to feel really angry with AH's seeming detachment from what he's done and how badly he's hurt me. He insists that he has to concentrate 100% on his still-new sobriety before he can tackle the more difficult stuff of our betrayed marriage, and that allowing himself to feel the full impact of what he's done will give him an excuse to drink. He seems truly sorry, but also distant and unemotional, and mentioned that he needs time to come out of the emotional fog of his drinking before he can really talk about it. In the meantime he seems annoyed and agitated by my questions, which just makes me angry, because what right does HE have to be annoyed???

He wants to come back to talk tomorrow after I go to my counseling appointment, and then agrees to go to marriage counseling together in a couple of weeks. As the betrayed spouse, I'm having mixed feelings between understanding his need to focus mainly on sobriety right now, and hurt and rage that he's not willing or able to give me the comfort that I need right now from him. He's insisted that he's had no further contact with the other women, but it's pretty hard to believe that after all of the past lies and when he's still living away from home.

So I'm having a tough time stepping back. I want him to move home so we can gradually start rebuilding the trust, but I know his sobriety is fragile right now and may not be able to stand the tough emotions that we'll be going through as we try to recover from this. He's not willing and able to talk about this right now. But how long am I supposed to wait on the sidelines until the fog lifts and he's ready to talk?? Trying to take it a day at a time, but this is harder than I could have ever imagined.
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Old 09-29-2010, 01:04 PM
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HURTING: Goodness, our stories are so similiar.
Yes, he's going to need to be emotionally tuned out because he cannot grasp the enormity of what he's done yet.
Sobriety needs to be their #1 priority and even though that hurts like a son of a b*itch because you're left picking up the pieces, you need to allow him his space and time to focus on what he's done and how he can work to make his changes. But in the meantime, you get the gift of time to change as well.

You need to regain trust in him and the ONLY way to do that is to allow him to change and show you he can be trusted again.
I said the same thing, I had no idea how hard this was going to be, and it is hard, really hard! It's a minute by minute struggle with me.
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Old 09-29-2010, 02:00 PM
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Thank you, Summerpeach. While I'm sorry you're in the same boat as me, it does help to get the perspective of someone else going through it. I've been reading one of those infidelity forums and of course, they all say that the spouse has to show immediate remorse, full disclosure, willingness to do anything to fix the marriage, etc. and it gets me all riled up that AH just seems so unemotional. Of course they're not coming from the perspective of a newly sober alcoholic, so I shouldn't concentrate on that site as much because it gives me different expectations of what should be happening right now. AH is hanging on to his sobriety with everything he has, so that's all I can really expect right now. Still hurts like h*ll though.
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Old 09-29-2010, 02:24 PM
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Reading your post made my own gut wrench in sympathy. I forgave two incidents of infidelity because I attributed it to alcohol. It amazed me that I was able to forgive -- and yes, mostly forget. The third incident was an earthquake that left the landscape of my marriage in rubble. Forgive yes, forget never. I sincerely hope your husband's alcoholism is the cause and he is not a cheater in his core being. I get the impression that sobriety does bring an end to cheating in some cases . . .so . . .here's hoping.
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Old 09-29-2010, 04:30 PM
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Originally Posted by HurtingAgain View Post
Thank you, Summerpeach. While I'm sorry you're in the same boat as me, it does help to get the perspective of someone else going through it. I've been reading one of those infidelity forums and of course, they all say that the spouse has to show immediate remorse, full disclosure, willingness to do anything to fix the marriage, etc. and it gets me all riled up that AH just seems so unemotional. Of course they're not coming from the perspective of a newly sober alcoholic, so I shouldn't concentrate on that site as much because it gives me different expectations of what should be happening right now. AH is hanging on to his sobriety with everything he has, so that's all I can really expect right now. Still hurts like h*ll though.
Addicts do tend to have little emotion. It's truly painful because it makes the betrayed person feel even worse.

It hurts like h*ll, I agree..........hang in there and keep posting
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Old 09-29-2010, 05:31 PM
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Listen sister, I know how you feel;the suffering does stop, but it will take time. I have been where you are at now, I was 4 months preggers at the time. So, things could be a lot worse. Just take care of yourself, go to your counsler. I suggest you take up kick boxing or start running. I would leave him alone for now. i know it's hard, but you must do what is best for you. I wish you all the love, light, and much clarity on this situation.Pm me if you would like if you feel you need more support. It is going to be okay. Stay strong. Try to get some food in you and please try to sleep.
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Old 09-29-2010, 06:40 PM
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a good read

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...heated-me.html
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Old 09-29-2010, 07:22 PM
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http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...13th-step.html

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ting-help.html
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Old 09-29-2010, 09:00 PM
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HA,

FWIW, I've heard several men share in AA meetings their shame at having been unfaithful to their partners. They don't minimize the harm that it caused to their partner. Some of the marriages healed and some did not. In all of the cases they owned up to their responsibility for what happened.

I think summerpeach is right. Give it some time. Part of recovery has to do with facing what he has done and making amends for it. But other work comes first. IF he is sincere about his recovery and IF he is sincere in his remorse, you will find out. And if he's not, you will find that out, too.

Either way, only you can decide whether you can live with what happened. Ultimately, you will wind up having to forgive him (whether you stay or not) for your own peace of mind. It's something we do for ourselves, to let go of the hurt, not something we do "for" them because they "deserve" it.

Hugs, hope the acute pain starts to diminish for you soon.
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Old 09-30-2010, 09:58 AM
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Hurting: someone just emailed me this to me today and WOW is all I can say. This will help

SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity

They say that 95% of addicts end up cheating.

This is also from one of the post where I woman posts a part of a book about addicts and cheating.

"The Other Woman He Cheated with"
Enter the villan of the piece. In your eyes, she is the villan, but there is some predictability to this particular enabler. It may not happen to you. It may. It's not a threat to your marriage. It's a symptom of the disease. After all, you don't want to drink with him anymore. You don't want to go to bed with him anymore. You don't want to save him from himself. You know better. She doesn't. She feels she's the only one who understands him. He feels she understands him. And she will help him to get sicker. The best thing you can do is leave it alone. Do nothing to get in the way of it. His guilt will take over or she will put pressure on for a more permanent relationship. Neither of which is manageable for him"
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