endzoner

just a pennys worth here .. but no one causes anyone to relapse .. he made the choice to pick back up an drink/use .. your not to blame for his actions .. huggles Endzy

transformyself

Hi Queen

Just wondering if this path of action is something you're thinking of doing. Or what sort of plan you have in place if not.

HoopNinja

First-you are one strong woman. You are incredible and are doing a great job. It is a royal pain when they twist everything around and make you out to be the cause of their pain, their drinking, everything that goes wrong in theif life--even before you ever met them. I have one of those too. It is also infuriating and frustrating beyond belief that you are not in the wrong yet everyone thinks you are. I have been living that to some degree with my now (YAY) XAH. My ex has 2 sides-the side he shows the church where he works and the side that is the real him when he is gigging-drinking, drugging and occasionally violent. That is the real him so that is also the him that he brought into our house. So all the people at church think I am a lunatic and well, his alkie doper friends, they probably cannot even remember they were with him getting high but of course I am a harsh uncaring B from he11.

I finally had to say-I don't care. None of you people are even remotely important enough to me to care about your opinion of me. I know the real him and no matter how much he flaps his gums--the real him is the poison that lived in our house. So, call me a thoughtless, uncaring, Godless woman. At some point I just said-I don't need to tell any of these morons my side of the story. They are his new codependents so there is no point. They won't listen anyway.

So, you know the truth. To he11 with the PO. In all reality--if she is working out of a NY office she is probably so overworked she really does not care. So the only choice is you take care of you and let everyone else take care of him. He is persona non grata for you.

Like others have said--you have 10 days to make a plan. Absolutely call DV. Yes, the police hate to get involved in domestic situations--but DV knows that domestic situations often erupt into violence and you have a record of that happening-that is why he is now in a locked psych ward. Get the restraining order.

Do you have an attorney? Do you have a temporary order? If not, can you work on that also. If you do, can you contact the court to have them order he is not allowed near the house and then support it with the report you have filed with DV and the RO. Tell them you want to change the locks on the door and put locks on the windows to keep this person out of the house. This man should not be near you or anyone you know. He is unstable. You have one priority and one only-take care of you.

It is hard when all the powers that be believe the liar. It makes you want to scream--but screaming will do nothing but hurt you.

My sister used to tell me that when I was in this kind of situation to remove myself from it and become an impartial observer. Then as that impartial observer position pretend you are there to help the person who needs the help (you). It helped. Once I got rid of the emotional attachment to the situation and treated it in the "just the facts ma'am" state of mind people listened. That is what happened a couple of weeks ago when XAH sent the police to my house in an attempt to rile me up. Before I came downstairs to talk to the officer I took off my pissed off-he's such an a55 hat, and put on my calm, I will tell him the truth hat. 5 minutes later he walked away and realized what XAH had tried to do.

Hugs and strength to you queen. You have a lot of strength already. Don't let some fool PO take your peace away "because you are going through a divorce". If she won't listen, find someone who will. Besides, she is just a PO. She does not have a lot of power. You want the people who can actually do something working on this.

queenteree

I have a non-harass order on him already in place, has been for two years now and is good for five. I am not going to go to family court to take out another one. I have been involved in the court system for too many years now to count between AH and AD (my granddaughters' mother). It was more of a hassle for me than them. Nothing ever became of it, except for me losing precious time off from work, time that I need for school vacations, when I have no child care for them etc. Not to mention if I go over my days, I get docked (and I pay for after school care for 2 children). I will use my non-harass order if I need to, but no more courts for me (if you guys want to go back and read my prior posts, you can see it was of no good). When AH is not drinking, he is fine ... won't do anything dangerous to himself or me. I believe this attempt was a last ditch effort to control me, and it didn't work. He did not attack me with the knife, I did not wrestle him for the knife, he was in no way, shape or form mean, nasty, abusive, etc. toward me thru it. He went in the shed, he was going to do it, maybe he thought I'd see him do it and beg him to stop, maybe he wanted me to find him dead, who knows. I am going to therapy again tonite, I have spoken with my recovering A friends, and I am working on a plan. But that plan will not involve getting into the court system again ... just won't do it! If anyone has any other options, I'd be glad to hear it. Oh, and can't change the locks until we are legally separated...until then, he technically is allowed in the house, this I know for a fact.

Bolina

Are you going down the legal separation route, then?

What do the orders that you have enable you to do? I mean, on what grounds can you enforce and what would be the result?

Can't wait to hear about the plan. As I said before, once you know what you want (to be free of him, to be able to get him out when he is being violent, to divorce, to wait for...?), then you can come up with some strategies that will help you cope.

Desert2trees

Queenteree,

I know you are frustrated. I too have tried to enforce a restraining order, and unless you chain the person violating it to a tree until the police come, they will do nothing except log the complaint ad infinitum.

As for your comment that "he's fine when he's not drinking"..... hmmm, I say. I'm recovering too, and my using was a symptom of things I needed to deal with inside my own head and heart. If I hadn't been willing to change those things that drove me to use, I still would have had problems eventually - even clean!

I hope you stay safe. I agree with above... that if you change your locks and forget to give a key to him, well, what's the worst he can do? Call the cops on YOU? What do you think they would do?

LexieCat

The "non-harass" order (which he has violated, BTW--what are you doing to enforce that?) doesn't bar him from the property. A regular restraining order would. You would be entitled to change the locks and treat him like any other trespasser. The police could (and most likely would be obligated to) arrest him as soon as he sets foot on the property.

I don't see why you think that isn't worth it.

And, I echo, why aren't you pursuing the legal separation?

Look, it's your life, and you have every right to make your own decisions. But without some kind of legally enforceable ban against him coming to your house and doing this kind of thing (or worse) I think we are fresh out of ideas.

queenteree

I called 911 when he cut his wrist. The police came, they knew of the non-harass order and the fact that he was on probation, they even called it in to the station to see what my order said. Obviously he didn't break it cause they didn't arrest him for it, even after he was stitched up. It doesn't work that way in my town, trust me, hard to believe, but true! Anvilhead, I am so happy you stopped in to reply. You know how much I love your opinions, and changing the locks and forgetting to give him a key is a great idea!!! You are so right, legally I can do that. And as another said, what's he going to do? Call the cops on me? If so, he will be drunk when he does, thus violating his probation again ... although they can't arrest him on that, there will be a report made. Great idea. What I meant about when he's not drinking, he's fine is that he really does not cause any kind of trouble and keeps to himself when he's not drinking, it's only while drunk and drunk for days that he does this other stuff.

Last year when he left I had separation papers drawn up, he had cashed out his IRA to over $80,000 and since I was entitled to half that, I was getting the house without buying him out. Unfortunately, NYS laws have changed just this year (after I stupidly gave him another chance) and now he would be entitled to half my 401k which doesn't have alot in it, plus half the house, etc. And until the separation papers are signed, it's not legally separated. Very close friends of mine, who know that he won't remain sober, say that maybe I should just wait it out a bit, cause if I separate, I won't be entitled to any life insurance, and he's surely going to die rather soon, since anyone not in recovery will eventually face jail, institutions and death, and since he's faced the first two, his health is failing, they are suggesting not to be in such a rush. I could lose more being legally separated, and I've already lost alot as it is. I have a few more days to think about this ...

And you're right Anvilhead, I have decided two days ago that if I should get a call from the po, psych ward, anyone (including his family) regarding him, I won't even pick up the phone or return the calls. It's all on him now ... My son is already working on getting a lock for the shed, most of my windows have locks, but he is going to fix the ones that don't and he will change the locks for me within the next day or two. He already had that planned (but he works long hours).

Thanks all of you for being here for me!

Corkie

I am SO sorry you had to go through all of that.
I agree with what everyone else has said.

((hugs))

Bolina

Ok, so if you're going to hold out for the payout (check that it would still be paid in the case of suicide), then protecting yourself and your grandchildren is Step 2. Good for you for setting that in motion.

I know in some jurisdictions, the police won't get involved in terms of dwelling access because it is a civil matter. It would only be if he had a court order and you were in breach of it would they get involved, arresting the other party (in this case you) for not following the instruction of the court. I mention this only for example because I don't know the laws in your state.

I still don't understand the terms of the orders you already have in place. Do they not give you any protection at all?

queenteree

The order says he cannot harrass, intimidate or threaten me in any way, but my police precinct, which is actually one of the worst in the county and everyone knows that who lives here, does not like to do any work ... they have seen my AH drink and drive plenty of times when I have called on him in the past, and just watch that he safely got in the house. If it wasn't for this one woman cop, who truly did understand my plight, he would not have even gotten his third dwi down the block from my house. She remembered his truck and how he drank and drove, and all my phone calls, and she pulled him over! Thank God for her. See problem is, even when he was drunk at home (in the past and even now), he does not get mean or violent, doesn't even really get nasty, just sits and repeats over and over "thank you ... you win" and follows me from room to room, trips and breaks things (because of the tripping), pees all over the floor and has kept me up rambling night after night after night, and if I went to the couch or wherever to sleep, he'd follow and just keep rambling. To the police that is not harassment ...

I am going to call my broker today and find out what happens in the case of suicide, but truthfully I have paid into his health insurance for 25 years to the tune of over $100 per month, if he is going to die from this disease, I'd like to get the benefit of it, not his family or some bar bimbo.

LaTeeDa

It might be better to call the police when he shows up rather than a cab. Just sayin.......

Also, regarding the life insurance. Wasn't the IRA the previous reason you didn't want to divorce him? Or was it the equity in the house? Now it's the life insurance? How have the previous money reasons panned out? What makes you think he will just up and die and you will get a big check? What if he hangs on for months/years and racks up huge bills above and beyond what insurance will pay? What then?

What I've learned is that my best decisions come from the here and now reality of the situation. Not the what if, maybes of the future. Nobody knows what will happen, but if you base your choices on what is happening, you really can't go wrong.

My two cents,

L

Live

So, maybe go buy him a case of whiskey???????????

You are a smart lady but this is not making sense.

queenteree

LTD, Thank you, you are correct and as my therapist says, you here (and her and my group) are my "memory". You hold what I forget. Yes, that IRA was the reason I held out, and yes, that IRA is gone, I lost that last year when he blew it all. I accepted that, but even at that time, I figured he was drinking himself to death, it would be only a matter of time, he'd lost 50 lbs in 2 mos., and was near death (he's not in good health as it is, cirrhosis and diabetes). Instead, he got the dwi's and got sober for a brief period of time. Last month, he weighed 252 lbs. He lost over 30 lbs in 18 days, not to mention fell 3 times on his face to where he was knocked out and rushed to the hospital (not by me, by the bars). There is a very good chance he will not live much longer ... and you know what? Maybe, just maybe, I am afraid that once I sign those separation papers, he will then die and I will not have gotten anything ...
Like I said, I will not agree to give him half my 401k, nor should he get half the house....he will fight me on this, or at least drag it out, cause he has no money, no job, no place to live, so he can't afford a lawyer ... living in the here and now also plays out to placing it in God's hands for a short time ... which is why I am taking a few days to think things over ...
I do thank all you long timers here for really making me look into myself ... I may seem stubborn now, but trust me, your wise words are sinking in, so keep them coming, please ..., I need that right now!

LaTeeDa

You will have gotten your freedom. And that is something no amount of money can buy!

L

CircleInTheSea

Oh hugs. I went through a similar situation with my best friend from college when I was 19. I didn't know what co-dependency was, I just knew she didn't process alcohol well and one night when I wasn't returning her calls because I didn't want to deal with her drunkenness, she slit her wrists and drove to my house. I got her to the hospital, called her family and went to therapy to process it all. It is something you can get through. Stick to your boundaries, love yourself and your grand-babies. I'll be thinking and praying for you all day as I remember how hard that situation was. Hugs, hugs, hugs.

LexieCat

QT,

OK, I get that you have a crappy police department. Call the DA's office--they can TELL the officers to sign charges or to allow you to sign charges. Ask for their Domestic Violence Unit, and ask to speak with an ADA or with an investigator. You aren't at the mercy of the responding police officers.

It's worth a few phone calls, isn't it?

And I wouldn't count on his drinking himself to death anytime soon. Fifteen years ago, my second husband was in an alcohol related coma for a week. His liver and kidneys shut down. He had 40 quarts of fluid drained from his abdomen and he looked like his entire body had been dipped in yellow food coloring. We were told IF he lived he would certainly need a liver transplant. After a few months of sobriety, he went back to drinking himself to death. He still is.

HoopNinja

Queentree-for what it is worth. Last week was the final court date for my divorce. I was married to the XAH for 13 years (one of those was during the divorce process). The house--well we could have gotten more once it sold but we had to refinance so many times that by the time it sold it was a lucky thing we came out not owing money. We had a lot of equity in that house. But he quit his job and started paying for things with credit card checks (moron) and did not tell me, and hid the bills. Had I divorced him 3 years earlier-I would have gotten a lot more when the house sold and the market was not so horrible.

If I had divorced him when I really wanted to--he would not have gotten as much of my retirement--so when he walked out of court last week he had a lot o' money.

It pissed me off for a bit--but then I realized that the big prize is I no longer have to put up with him. He actually had the gall to email me the day after the divorce hearing to ask me what he should do about insurance. His problem, not mine. I had given him the choice of a legal separation-he did not opt for that.

All I'm saying is-yep, it truly is unjust that a lazy a55 bum like him got to walk off with my hard earned pension. But, it was lose my pension or lose everything, including my sanity, my kids's sanity and possibly having to deal with his ever escalating violence. In the end-it was worth it. If someone would have told me that last year-well, I would have just cried and said it was not.

I think what helped was listening to a message at church and the sense of entitlement I had-and I thought, heck I will still have some money left, I have a job and his sorry a55 is not something I will ever envy. Also, he is the one who has to live with himself everyday. Not that it matters to him because his denial runs so deep he will have to crawl out of the Grand Canyon before he even begins to admit he has a problem.

As my sister says-woulda, coulda, shoulda--it's all over now and I get to get on with my life and both me and my kids are starting to laugh again-not something we have heard in our house in a long time.

LexieCat

Yeah,

One of the things that kept me in bad relationships as long as it did was the "investment" angle--it's like being in the casino when you start losing money and you keep playing to try to win back your losses. It seldom happens, and the longer you stick around the more you lose.

FormerDoormat

There is an angle that you may not be considering. This man is like a ball and chain, a user that sucks the life out of you. He is taking all he can get--your happiness, your sanity, your health, your emotional welfare, and your finances. Every day that he continues to chip away at these things you have less than the day before. If you stay until the end, you'll both have nothing because he won't stop taking until there is nothing left to take. That is what takers do and most likely he won't ever feel a shred of guilt over it. The alcohol helps him keep the guilt at bay. How convenient.

You may be prolonging your suffering in hopes of receiving money that won't be there when you finally decide to move on.

And here's another angle you may not be considering. Once you are free of the old ball and chain, you will be able to thrive physically, emotionally, and financially because the taker of all things will have moved on and he can take no more.