STBXAH slit is wrist right in front of me! I need you guys!!!!
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Sometimes it takes witnessing a nightmare like this to finally realize that even the smallest glimmer of hope is gone and alcoholism has won the battle. I had to realize--deep down in my heart--that alcoholism was more powerful than me to become the powerful woman that I am today.
Is this your husband's bottom--an 18-day bender, homelessness, defecating on himself, and slitting his wrist? Not even close. The fact that he's blaming you for his suicide attempt says it all. It was a manipulation--not an attempt to end his life. Don't fall for this or two people could end up loosing the battle and losing their sanity and ultimately their lives.
Your actions at this point should be focused on saving yourself--not on him. You can't save him. You never could. Sometimes you have to end the battle to win the war.
Queen, it's time for you to end this and begin to experience what it feels like to walk amongst the living and not in the company of someone who died spiritually a long, long time ago. The only thing that's left of your husband is his body and that's rapidly deteriorating, too.
I know what it feels like to watch someone you love self destruct. And I know what it feels like to have walked through the fog and reached the other side. The sun will shine again in your life. The first step is to end all contact with your husband and his family and let him suffer the consequences of his actions, wherever that may lead him.
Wishing you peace and gently pointing out that, just like happiness, peace is a choice.
Is this your husband's bottom--an 18-day bender, homelessness, defecating on himself, and slitting his wrist? Not even close. The fact that he's blaming you for his suicide attempt says it all. It was a manipulation--not an attempt to end his life. Don't fall for this or two people could end up loosing the battle and losing their sanity and ultimately their lives.
Your actions at this point should be focused on saving yourself--not on him. You can't save him. You never could. Sometimes you have to end the battle to win the war.
Queen, it's time for you to end this and begin to experience what it feels like to walk amongst the living and not in the company of someone who died spiritually a long, long time ago. The only thing that's left of your husband is his body and that's rapidly deteriorating, too.
I know what it feels like to watch someone you love self destruct. And I know what it feels like to have walked through the fog and reached the other side. The sun will shine again in your life. The first step is to end all contact with your husband and his family and let him suffer the consequences of his actions, wherever that may lead him.
Wishing you peace and gently pointing out that, just like happiness, peace is a choice.
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Thanks all for your kind, compassionate replies. They mean so much to me. I cuddled my granddaughters last nite, got a pretty decent night's sleep, and feel a little better today.
As for him "breaking into the house", by law in NYS, I cannot keep him from coming into our marital house until it is settled by separation agreement, which he refused to sign. As for probation and the police, when he first relapsed 3 weeks ago, I called the police to make sure that if he came home drunk, I could call them and he would be arrested on violation of probation. They said only his po can violate him, that the only thing they can do is make a report. AH did not know this, so that's how I kept him away for all these days, he thought he could be arrested. If I had called the police, they would not have made him leave and I would have had him there all the time. I called his po when he first relapsed and also when he came to the house the other day. The first time, she came to the house 5 days later with a breathalyzer, he wasn't there, she said she can't violate him on my word. I have not heard from her since my last phone call on Thursday but told her she can try my house and his mother's house to find him. Don't know what's going to happen now, it's out of my hands.
You're all right, I need to have no contact with him or his family, it just really seems like it's never going to end ... once he gets out, this same thing will happen ... problem is he is doing what he wants, violating probation and getting away with it ... eventually it has to catch up to him.
Again, thank you all for being there for me.
As for him "breaking into the house", by law in NYS, I cannot keep him from coming into our marital house until it is settled by separation agreement, which he refused to sign. As for probation and the police, when he first relapsed 3 weeks ago, I called the police to make sure that if he came home drunk, I could call them and he would be arrested on violation of probation. They said only his po can violate him, that the only thing they can do is make a report. AH did not know this, so that's how I kept him away for all these days, he thought he could be arrested. If I had called the police, they would not have made him leave and I would have had him there all the time. I called his po when he first relapsed and also when he came to the house the other day. The first time, she came to the house 5 days later with a breathalyzer, he wasn't there, she said she can't violate him on my word. I have not heard from her since my last phone call on Thursday but told her she can try my house and his mother's house to find him. Don't know what's going to happen now, it's out of my hands.
You're all right, I need to have no contact with him or his family, it just really seems like it's never going to end ... once he gets out, this same thing will happen ... problem is he is doing what he wants, violating probation and getting away with it ... eventually it has to catch up to him.
Again, thank you all for being there for me.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 1,252
queenteree-good luck & stay safe!!!
It sounds like the pysch missed something? It almost sounds like he was doing something else or had done other things to become that aggressive. Most long term 24/7 alcoholics I've known wound up becoming quite passive until they do something else. Tresspassing, burglary,agressive behavior & violent acts sound more like a junkie than alkee. I'd be cautious- it almost sounds like the pysch people know there is a can of worms waiting to be opened here.
It sounds like the pysch missed something? It almost sounds like he was doing something else or had done other things to become that aggressive. Most long term 24/7 alcoholics I've known wound up becoming quite passive until they do something else. Tresspassing, burglary,agressive behavior & violent acts sound more like a junkie than alkee. I'd be cautious- it almost sounds like the pysch people know there is a can of worms waiting to be opened here.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
This is a complaint so I am saying sorry ahead of time for being negatve but it really GETS me how our society puts on us women what I feel is a HUGE social problem. I do not mean any offense to the men in our group but I believe that women do bear the brunt of the problem of alcoholism in this society. It just pi$$es me off Queentree that you have called everyone you can think of for help and all they can say is, "Not my problem." If I could cuss on here you would be reading a whole bunch of Eff words. This problem is EVERYWHERE and the only way anyone will help is if the alcoholic breaks the law, and even that is limited.
Queentree, I am not discounting the severity of what you witnessed but if they already released him without sending him to a mental facility, it sounds like he was making a desperate attempt to get help. Please do not pay attention to his words. If you have conversations with him, please know that in the past, I have limited the words i would speak to a particular person to, "You need to go to rehab" and "You need to go to AA." I would not speak ANY other words to him. Everything he said to me, that was my response and then I would walk away. Eventually he gave up.
I know, it's hard with him in your shed and climbing in your window. Please do not go out to the shed anymore. And please lock all the windows.
I am so sorry you had to witness that, and I am so sorry that your loved one has deteriorated so. Please know that one of my brothers was in that condition (although without the poop problem). He was getting jumped and beat up during drug deals, climbing thru the window at his house (his GF changed the locks), blew thru $65,000 in cocaine in a matter of months. We ALL had to let go completely. I thought for sure we would be burying him in a matter of months. But he didn't. And I believe that it was because most of his family stopped taking his calls that really did it. He no longer had anyone to blame, no one to talk to to complain to, no one to bail him out.
I am sorry for rambling in this post. I hope something I've said might be helpful to you.
Queentree, I am not discounting the severity of what you witnessed but if they already released him without sending him to a mental facility, it sounds like he was making a desperate attempt to get help. Please do not pay attention to his words. If you have conversations with him, please know that in the past, I have limited the words i would speak to a particular person to, "You need to go to rehab" and "You need to go to AA." I would not speak ANY other words to him. Everything he said to me, that was my response and then I would walk away. Eventually he gave up.
I know, it's hard with him in your shed and climbing in your window. Please do not go out to the shed anymore. And please lock all the windows.
I am so sorry you had to witness that, and I am so sorry that your loved one has deteriorated so. Please know that one of my brothers was in that condition (although without the poop problem). He was getting jumped and beat up during drug deals, climbing thru the window at his house (his GF changed the locks), blew thru $65,000 in cocaine in a matter of months. We ALL had to let go completely. I thought for sure we would be burying him in a matter of months. But he didn't. And I believe that it was because most of his family stopped taking his calls that really did it. He no longer had anyone to blame, no one to talk to to complain to, no one to bail him out.
I am sorry for rambling in this post. I hope something I've said might be helpful to you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 87
Queenteree,
I'm so glad you got some much needed rest. I know you probably still feel pretty shaky.
Is there no way you can get a Temporary Restraining Order against him while he's still in the hospital? Or even file separation papers, so that you can at least feel safe in your own house when he's back on the streets? Maybe your therapist has some resources that you can avail yourself of.
Maybe get some locking devices for the windows and change the locks (if you already haven't) on the doors.
It seems like he's harassing you to me... I'd at least try for something legal to keep him away from the house.... and where I live... well, lets just say ~ he wouldn't want to startle me in the middle of the night... I might think he's a prowler.
Hugs to you - BIG HUGS!
I'm so glad you got some much needed rest. I know you probably still feel pretty shaky.
Is there no way you can get a Temporary Restraining Order against him while he's still in the hospital? Or even file separation papers, so that you can at least feel safe in your own house when he's back on the streets? Maybe your therapist has some resources that you can avail yourself of.
Maybe get some locking devices for the windows and change the locks (if you already haven't) on the doors.
It seems like he's harassing you to me... I'd at least try for something legal to keep him away from the house.... and where I live... well, lets just say ~ he wouldn't want to startle me in the middle of the night... I might think he's a prowler.
Hugs to you - BIG HUGS!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
QT,
I believe you can get a restraining order. He had a knife. You had to struggle with him. At the very least, it is harassment (of the highest order).
You should know that suicidal gestures are high on the "lethality scale" when assessing the dangerousness of DV offenders. If they aren't afraid to take themselves out, it's a small step to taking the family with them.
This is seriously dangerous to you, from a physical AND mental standpoint. If the police or the family court will not assist you, contact the local DV shelter and speak with a counselor about what you can do. That's what they are there for. Or contact the DV unit of your local DA's office. Sometimes the police are undertrained, and even court staff may be poorly trained.
PLEASE do something to keep him away from the house.
I believe you can get a restraining order. He had a knife. You had to struggle with him. At the very least, it is harassment (of the highest order).
You should know that suicidal gestures are high on the "lethality scale" when assessing the dangerousness of DV offenders. If they aren't afraid to take themselves out, it's a small step to taking the family with them.
This is seriously dangerous to you, from a physical AND mental standpoint. If the police or the family court will not assist you, contact the local DV shelter and speak with a counselor about what you can do. That's what they are there for. Or contact the DV unit of your local DA's office. Sometimes the police are undertrained, and even court staff may be poorly trained.
PLEASE do something to keep him away from the house.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 87
Lexi's right again.... I lost my best friend in 1991 when her husband lost it.... and took her out and then himself leaving their 3 yr old daughter in the back yard alone... thank god for their neighbor who reached over the fence and got her before she could experience the carnage in the garage.
You need to make yourself and your family as safe as possible. Hang in there hunny.
You need to make yourself and your family as safe as possible. Hang in there hunny.
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
I went to therapy after work last night. Got home after 8. His po left a message on my answering machine saying she was in the office till 6 (too late to call her). I don't know whether she was calling for him or for me, but I am going to call her today and tell her exactly what is going on .... I'll keep you guys posted! Hugs
Laurel
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Boston, Ma
Posts: 1
Queen......
Just read your post. I think you are an amazing, strong woman who knows that her sobriety comes first and foremost. Your ability to handle what has happened without picking up is a testament to your faith. And you asked for help from this site and your counselor. I feel better just knowing there are women like you out there going through tough stuff, sober!
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Thanks all ... your replies are helping me get thru this. I called his po this morning, she was very short with me ... said she called me yesterday to find out what happened, but then she spoke w/AH in the psych ward ... so she did not want to speak to me or find out what I have to say since we are going thru a divorce ... I asked what happens now, she said "he'll be in there 10 days and I'll speak with him when he gets out".... so there you have it, doesn't want my side of the story that he relapsed for 18 days straight, he probably said what he's been telling everyone else, that I had a boyfriend, I wanted a divorce, I kicked him out and that's what caused him to relapse ... I am horrible ... this is never going to end ... and nobody knows the truth!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,870
Originally Posted by queenteree 
Thanks all ... your replies are helping me get thru this. I called his po this morning, she was very short with me ... said she called me yesterday to find out what happened, but then she spoke w/AH in the psych ward ... so she did not want to speak to me or find out what I have to say since we are going thru a divorce ... I asked what happens now, she said "he'll be in there 10 days and I'll speak with him when he gets out".... so there you have it, doesn't want my side of the story that he relapsed for 18 days straight, he probably said what he's been telling everyone else, that I had a boyfriend, I wanted a divorce, I kicked him out and that's what caused him to relapse ... I am horrible ... this is never going to end ... and nobody knows the truth!
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Southern Oregon
Posts: 87
You know what happened, that's what matters. PO's know that their clients lie... hopefully, she'll see through him. But, if not, you do what you have to in order to stay safe. At least now you have a timeline.... alot can be accomplished in 10 days. Focus that energy on getting a restraining order, and take care of yourself. Other than that, you don't even need to strain your brain on what is happening with him. Let him be the PO, the hospital, and the legal system's problem for a bit.
If I could, I'd give you a giant hug, and some extra strength, but know that I am here for you, and pulling for you on this. I know how hard this is.... you'll get through it if you're proactive while you have the safety of his hospitalization...
If I could, I'd give you a giant hug, and some extra strength, but know that I am here for you, and pulling for you on this. I know how hard this is.... you'll get through it if you're proactive while you have the safety of his hospitalization...
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
His PO isn't responsible (directly) for your safety. You need to talk to someone who will look out for YOUR interests. Not to sound like a broken record, but talk to a DV counselor and pursue a RO.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
QT, What a horrendous situation!
I am flat out amazed at how very well you handled everything and STILL went to work the next day!
I would like to strongly urge you to take Lexie's advice and contact DV.
That agency will be able to help you unlike the other bureaucracies that have failed you in all this.
And I have another suggestion....it's totally great that you are seeing your therapist, however I have found that the stress of crisis also gets stored in my body. It is as important for me to treat that as the mental and emotional injury. I would suggest a massage, or at least a pedicure and manicure.
That may sound silly ....from the perspective of the seriousness of this situation...but I take it just as seriously as seeing my counselor and wouldn't have mentioned it if I didn't think it would be significantly healing.
We do what we have to in the crisis but that stress has to go somewhere sooner or later.
I am sending you my strongest wishes for peace and a resolution to this madness.
and many, many hugs!
I am flat out amazed at how very well you handled everything and STILL went to work the next day!
I would like to strongly urge you to take Lexie's advice and contact DV.
That agency will be able to help you unlike the other bureaucracies that have failed you in all this.
And I have another suggestion....it's totally great that you are seeing your therapist, however I have found that the stress of crisis also gets stored in my body. It is as important for me to treat that as the mental and emotional injury. I would suggest a massage, or at least a pedicure and manicure.
That may sound silly ....from the perspective of the seriousness of this situation...but I take it just as seriously as seeing my counselor and wouldn't have mentioned it if I didn't think it would be significantly healing.
We do what we have to in the crisis but that stress has to go somewhere sooner or later.
I am sending you my strongest wishes for peace and a resolution to this madness.
and many, many hugs!
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