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One Little Bit

Old 09-11-2010, 09:49 PM
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One Little Bit

Lola's post on nightmares reminded me of the one I had last night. In my dream, I had another dream (you follow me?) that my XABF commited suicide by shooting himself. I wake up in the dream and find out that it has really happened. I go bizzerk with emotion. I can't really remember many more details except being incredibly upset. So when I woke up this morning I felt awful, I felt heartbreak again just like I felt when we first split up. This confused me a lot because I thought that I pretty much hated the man. I hate to admit this, but I thought that I would be indifferent if he did happen to pass away. Now I can see from this dream that if he really did, I would obviously be upset. Does this just make me human? Or does this mean that I am still harboring feelings that I don't want to express for this man who I know so clearly is a monster? After reading that post from lostfrmbetrayal and seeing how alike her BF is to my X, I feel the loathing I've felt all along again and the sadness from this morning fading quite quickly into the background.

Another question, has anyone else ever had a dream, within another dream? Am I crazzzzy lol?
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Old 09-12-2010, 04:20 AM
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I don't think you're crazy missb. Having an alcoholic or addicted person in your life is stressful. I don't remember whether or not I've had a dream within a dream though.

Now I can see from this dream that if he really did, I would obviously be upset. Does this just make me human? Or does this mean that I am still harboring feelings that I don't want to express for this man who I know so clearly is a monster?
I think how you're feeling is quite normal so yes, IMO it means you are just human. Regarding whether or not you are still harboring feelings for him, I personally have learned that to be emotionally healthy, I have to maintain a good measure of emotional Detachment from people. Everyone. So maybe your question is not so much, "What does this dream mean?" or "Do I still have feelings for him?" but instead the question is, "Is my life still being negatively affected by my relationship with the alcoholic person?" and "What things can I do to manage my emotions or feelings in ways that are more productive for me and my life?" I think this is the root of emotional Detachment.

After reading that post from lostfrmbetrayal and seeing how alike her BF is to my X, I feel the loathing I've felt all along again and the sadness from this morning fading quite quickly into the background.
Yes, that thread definitely triggered me and it seems a lot of other people. I say embrace the feelings it reminds you of in order to keep the toxic person out of your life.
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Old 09-12-2010, 12:22 PM
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I am sorry you had to go through having that dream. I totally can relate to that awful feeling that lingers after you wake up. YUCK. I think you are just a normal human being having feelings that might be a least subconsciously unresolved. Doesn't mean you have to act on them in the light of day. Practicing acceptance and detachment consistently over the long haul should help immensely. For me when I relationship ends I don't "trust" it to stay gone for a very long time. I think I just don't trust myself to stay away from the "monster" - with my track record that is a valid fear. Alcoholic relationships leave some pretty bad scars - take a long time to heal.
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Old 09-12-2010, 02:23 PM
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Thank you for the responses. You are right. It's just my subconscious trying to sort things out still, after all, it has only been a little over two months since we split up. I have been avoiding Al-Anon because I have anxiety issues and was scared to go ALONE. Codependent much, haha? But tensions have been building around the house with my AF and things are getting much worse with his drinking so I have promised myself to go tomorrow evening and sit through it, no matter how scared I am. I might have to bring my three month old baby with me though, if I cannot find a sitter. I am afraid that she might be unwelcome or a distraction.
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Old 09-12-2010, 03:05 PM
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We do things in the Dream so we don't necessarily have to do them here.

I am inclined, however, to think that this particular one
is a last ditch effort of a diminishing belief-system to regain control.

Everybody talks about ego...

and I usually just let it go
because no one had the teachers I went out to find, you know?

But I was taught -

'ego' was originally designed...
to protect the physical body
so we wouldn't walk off a cliff,
while 'blissing out' with nature.

It took over
and now runs the show.
Was never designed to do that.

So I think it's a lot
of the 'backstory' behind the whole psycho computer in 2001.
(meaning "2001-A space odyssey" the old movie)

So when 'we' take back over the driver's seat...
of the personallity, I mean -
the 'ego' goes wacko -
because is 'senses ' the self is in danger.

so it's more likely this is one attempt
to go back to the other - now flawed- way of thinking.

anyhoo -

that and a couple of bucks ... will get you a cup of coffee.
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Old 09-12-2010, 03:46 PM
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Human beings are complex cretaures, we can feel lots of apparently conflicting things that don't fit into a nice neat package. We are not stories that make sense.

I have woken from dreams emotionally wrecked, but dreams are a relatively safe place for our minds to work through stuff.

re alanon, I suffer from social anxiety, fear of people essentially, and when I went to alanon, I was at the height of that phobia. I avoided for ages, and in the end it wasn't the most helpful thing for me (a fab therapist was), but I did eventually pluck up the courage to go through those doors and I have never felt that much unconditional love and acceptance and a total lack of judgement from any other source, honestly, it was astonishing, and I am eternally grateful for them for that.
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Old 09-12-2010, 07:17 PM
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I wonder if there are any therapists around here who will take state aid. I really would like one.
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Old 09-12-2010, 07:27 PM
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Do you have church resources that provide counseling in your area? I have friends whose church has all kinds of excellent free services, and I'm very lucky to have found a counselor through my church who also doesn't charge.
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Old 09-12-2010, 07:32 PM
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You know what I think my cousin mentioned that she had sent her daughter to some counseling through a church, I'll ask her about it. Thanks for reminding me!
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