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Husband promises to quit, but wants to have a choice?

Old 08-19-2010, 01:49 PM
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Husband promises to quit, but wants to have a choice?

My husband tells me that he is willing to quit at home entirely, but wants to have a choice if he is out somewhere to have a drink. He has not been a bar goer ever, but is talking about weddings (which are rare), after work or with a friend (which he doesn't hang out much around anyways and his friend doesn't drink). I told him I won't settle for coming back for that (we are seperated) because he has a history of lying and covering up his drinking and saying that he would cut back before. I want him to quit entirely for him and the health of our family and get help with issues, not just be a quit for the sake of quitting, but healing and learning new skills. told him it is his choice if he wants to quit or not, but it is my choice to return home or not and knowing what I can live with. Over the last 2 years he has cut back from 6-11 beers a night to 6-7 beers 4-5 times a week. He is cut back to 3 days a week and 4-6 beers a night now. I told him if he really wanted to quit on his own that he would've made the choice already or not and if he is just going to "cut back" for me and not do it for himself and not quit that I can't live with that anymore. 2 counselors have told him that he needs to "watch it" and that he has an alcohol abuse problem. So he sees me as the one having a problem with his alcohol and that even professionals are telling him it is fine in moderation.
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Old 08-19-2010, 01:52 PM
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Why is it so hard to just...I dunno, quit? Totally.

Alcohol isn't necessary for anything. Not nutrition, or hydration, or even fun!

He's trying to make a deal, so he doesn't have to think about never being able to drink again.
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Old 08-19-2010, 01:52 PM
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He's going to do what he wants.. what YOU'RE ok with living with/being in a relationship with is what you're in a position to decide.

Are YOU ok with him continuing to drink? He sure seems ok with it..
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Old 08-19-2010, 01:54 PM
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Why is it so hard to just...I dunno, quit? Totally.
Now that's a huge question.. I suppose the same could be said from the other side.. "Why don't they just LEAVE the relationship?".

Addiction is a curious thing.. powerful, life altering.. if any of us could answer either of those questions, this board would be uneccessary, as would treatment centers for addiction and codependence, and (on and on).
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Old 08-19-2010, 02:00 PM
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It won't work. I tried that too at some point. I told my X that we're not bringing alcohol into the house anymore, that we'll both quit (although I never had a problem with drinking), and that we'll only drink outside, if we go to restaurants and such.
At first it seemed to work and she cut down her drinking. Then she started to want to go out and "sit somewhere" with me almost every day (such a nice day! lets go sit somewhere outside and have a drink).
Then, when that wasn't enough, and since I wouldn't have alcohol in the house, she started buying a carton of wine on the way back from work, and downing it in the driveway before she went in. Until she started skipping the whole "going to work" part.
When I asked her: "why did you lie to me? why are you drinking in your car?" she said "because you wouldn't let me drink in the house"...
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Old 08-19-2010, 02:05 PM
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My EX ABF began to slack off in his recovery as soon as I began to let him back into my life. So many old behaviors began to resurface. I don't think he is drinking again, yet, but it doesn't matter. He began to make getting me back to where we were more important than his program of sobriety. And I know that is a recipe for disaster.
I love him so much, but I broke it off, no contact, last week. I have no idea what he is doing, but I am trying so hard to just trust that my Higher Power will let me know what is right for me. One day at a time.
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Old 08-19-2010, 02:56 PM
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He's been quitting for 2 years. That's the most ridiculous excuse of a detox program I've ever heard of. That's not recovery. That's denial.

At this rate, it'll take him about 6-10 more years to quit drinking (that's IF he wants to quit drinking.) So what have you been doing for your own recovery during the last 2 years and what are you going to do for the next 6-10 years? How's your detachment? Have you built up a nest egg that he can't touch in case something happens healthwise or accident wise? Are you attending alanon meetings? Getting face to face support?

What are you doing for YOU?

Are you happy? Or is your life consumed with his drinking? I hope not... He is finding his fulfilment in alcohol. I hope you are finding some too.
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Old 08-19-2010, 03:20 PM
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Drinking in moderation IS fine, for non-alcoholics. It doesn't work though if you are a problem drinker. It sounds like he is trying his best to bargain with you in such a way to get you to come back while he only has to do the bare minimum necessary to get you there. The thing is, he is an adult and he has a perfect right to drink if he wants. You too, are an adult, and have the right to decide what you will and will not live with. If you aren't willing to live with him right now, the way he is today, then you are better off just keeping your distance. If he's not willing to do what you require while you are gone, there is no way he'll do it if you go back.
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Old 08-19-2010, 04:12 PM
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Sounds like u know ur own answers. You sound like a determined woman who knows what she wants as well as what she doesn't want. I admire that in a person. Good for you for sticking to your values!!!
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Old 08-19-2010, 04:25 PM
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The first of many attempts to control his drinking for my husband never worked. Read the book, I'll Quit Tommorrow to explain. But the first time he relapsed, I was beside myself - a friend gave me this: "Since you want the choice to drink or not drink, I reserve the same right to choose not to be around you when you drink." Husband didn't like that but I didn't like what he was doing. Think about it.
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Old 08-19-2010, 04:55 PM
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Originally Posted by praiseHim View Post
So he sees me as the one having a problem with his alcohol and that even professionals are telling him it is fine in moderation.
Well alcohol is fine in moderation for non alcoholics. The problem is moderation doesn't work for alcoholics. But you don't need me to tell you that. Addiction has it's own built in self preservation mechanism and you've watching it from the front row.
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Old 08-19-2010, 04:58 PM
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My XAH was a true alcoholic who could not control the compulsion if he started to drink....they say 1 is too many and a hundred is not enough......We went to a therapist for awhile who said try to only drink only a sixpack....he couldn't do it. The first one set off the compulsion and he could not stop. The founders of AA figured this out. Step 1....we are powerless over (controlling) alcohol. They were wise 70+ years ago and nothing has changed.....For the true alcoholic you can't even drink one.......sets off the allergy and compulsion.....and no pills, and no pot, or drugs, or other mind altering substances. That is changing seats on the Titanic....you are still going down.
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Old 08-19-2010, 05:34 PM
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he is manipulating the situation....still its the MERRY GO ROUND OF DENIAL....(read it its good, AL ALON literature pamplet)
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Old 08-19-2010, 05:48 PM
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I'm sorry. I missed that you are separated. Too bad he doesn't want the same things as you do as far as sobriety goes. But glad you are trying to live your own life as much as possible, and not lowering your standards when it comes to drinking.
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Old 08-19-2010, 06:09 PM
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sorry for your situation

Stay separated, work on what you want for yourself.

He has choosen his priority. He can't make it any clearer. He chooses to drink - period

Sadly you can't ever change that.

keep reading it helps
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Old 08-19-2010, 06:25 PM
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I found out that many therapists, and professionals don't know diddly squat about addiction. Exabf and I went to several, I just couldn't believe that they did not understand that it only took one drink to send him on a binge,of both alcohol and cocaine.

In any case, I would tread slowly, no reason to jump back into the fire, you are seperated, take the time to work on you.
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Old 08-19-2010, 07:48 PM
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Thank you for all of your responses.
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Old 08-20-2010, 07:15 AM
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I remember the Alanon "merry-go-round" pamphlet.....really good....
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Old 08-20-2010, 07:30 AM
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Originally Posted by smacked View Post
Now that's a huge question.. I suppose the same could be said from the other side.. "Why don't they just LEAVE the relationship?".

Addiction is a curious thing.. powerful, life altering.. if any of us could answer either of those questions, this board would be uneccessary, as would treatment centers for addiction and codependence, and (on and on).
Yeah, that was kinda my point. It's funny how they'll fight for that drink, yet never see that the fact that they have to fight for it means there is a serious problem.
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Old 08-20-2010, 07:52 AM
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Originally Posted by Carol Star View Post
I remember the Alanon "merry-go-round" pamphlet.....really good....
Found this:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ed-denial.html
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