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Shocked so early in the morning

Old 08-15-2010, 05:23 AM
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Shocked so early in the morning

Okay...I am on vacation with my ex husbands family....Its a trip to the beach they do every year..Well...since we broke up I assumed I would not go this year but they insisted that myself and the children still go...Which was very nice. They are wonderful people....So my stbx agreed that he wouldn't go so I saw no reason not to...Well...I get up this morning and he is there asleep on the couch.....He heard me in the kitchen making coffee and said something snippy under his breath that I couldn't quite understand. So I walked back upstairs and heard his father talking to him...Seeems he changed his mind about coming down and didn't tell anyone... The couple of times I have passed him in the house he doesn't acknowledge that I'm even there...Which is fine...I just really can't believe he is here....Wondering if I should pack up and go home....Also....just being around him here at the beach is making my head all crazy....We have had some wonderful memories at the beach...My mind keeps jumping back to the better days we had....ugh I'm a mess....It helps to get it out I guess.....I have children here that would not accept leaving very well.....thoughts please....and prayers...
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Old 08-15-2010, 05:49 AM
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what a huge bummer. figures, doesn't it? that he would find a way to ruin things, even if it wasn't an intention "wanna ruin things" deal.
so you already know that if a small group talks to stbxah, he wouldn't just leave for the sake of everyone that is there?

is there a possibility that you could leave, but your children could stay? they obviously have a safe and loving relationship with the in-laws. and i think the in-laws would understand - sounds like they're terrific.

other than that, only thing i can think of is you leave because you feel crazy inside, explain to the kids on the way home, or you detach and avoid him as best as possible, which sound pretty weird and difficult.
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Old 08-15-2010, 05:51 AM
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Whoa......that must be hard. Just maybe try to stay in the moment......I would probably try to avoid the drama and go somewhere off by myself for the day....let him have his time at the beach with his kids and let the inlaws deal with it.
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Old 08-15-2010, 06:37 AM
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I don't allow myself to stay in toxic situations, no matter WHO wants me to stay in them. It's unfortunate that he changed his mind but it is HIS family, not yours. Only you can determine if the situation is really that toxic or if it is hurting you. Trust your instincts.
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Old 08-15-2010, 06:55 AM
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Since you share children with this man, there are going to be times when you have to deal with him. If he isn't bothering you, and the kids enjoy him being there, why leave? It might be a bit uncomfortable, and certainly if he starts anything, you can always leave, but if it's just a matter of him being there and not causing any trouble, why ruin the kids' vacation?

Sometimes we have to just suck it up and be adult about it, even if it makes us uncomfortable. It won't last forever. I'd try to just not let it ruin the vacation.
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Old 08-15-2010, 09:50 AM
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Well...I talked with his parents and they are kind of stuck in the middle....I told them I would prefer to just leave, but they asked me to give it a shot, and actually the house is big enough so far that I have been able to keep my distance.....So...if things get ugly or I feel I cant handle it I will leave....What a crazy circumstance.....Always an adventure.....Wish me luck.....
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Old 08-15-2010, 09:55 AM
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That sounds like a sensible plan. No need to upset the kids unless it's really necessary.
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Old 08-16-2010, 01:58 PM
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Hope you feel better today.

When something angers me, remembering its temporary and the context will change soon, helps me. It does change very quickly....
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Old 08-16-2010, 02:31 PM
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The only thing you can control are your own actions and feelings.

Put on smile and a bikini and enjoy yourself.

Hell! Have a Margarita! (unless your an A - my sincere apologies)

otherwise have 2!!!!
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Old 08-16-2010, 03:24 PM
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Got any meetings near by?

Also, now that he is here he can spend quality time with the kids while you go get a message, or go to a meeting, or spend time at the library or go for a run, or whatever it is you do to take care of you.
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Old 08-16-2010, 03:25 PM
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I would leave. Good Luck
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Old 08-16-2010, 04:22 PM
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Leaving or staying at the beach house is not the important thing here. As mentioned above, the situation is temporary. Do what you need to do to get through it, whether that means leaving or staying.

The really important thing about this situation is the LESSON. As in, do not take his word anymore. Do not put yourself in a situation where your comfort/happiness/well-being depends on him doing what he said he would do. As long as that is what you take away from this, leaving or staying is really inconsequential.

L
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:04 PM
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Well, things have gone well today.....I've only had a couple of moments that I felt unstable....not mad....mostly sad....so I left everyone and went to the beach and read a book for a while.....It's just weird to see him like this...like his old self toward everyone except me.....He hasn't been mean or rude....just standoffish....Kind of confusing to my codependant head.....

I have spent last night and today contemplating the lesson I need to learn here....One of course is to not believe what he says....I just feel like there is something bigger here that I'm not quite getting yet.....I will figure it out though....

Last night I really wanted to leave...Not for any bad reason....I just felt awkward....But I have had so much fun today with the kids and the inlaws...I am certainly not taking a moment of this time for granted....
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Old 08-16-2010, 05:35 PM
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Yes, it is more than not believing him. It's not counting on him. It's not putting yourself in a position to be let down/hurt/inconvenienced by his actions. So many times, I counted on my XAH, and so many times he let me down. It wasn't just believing him, it was that I put myself in a position of letting his actions determine MY situation.

L
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Old 08-16-2010, 08:48 PM
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I used to have to really calm myself before attending any event where my XAH was to be as well. I could feel the "laser" like beam from his eyes glaring at me, thru the whole of daughter's wedding service and it wasn't imagination. Spent first few Christmasses being totally ignored, or got a sniff and nose in the air, as if he got a whiff of something nasty.

It was our daughters who finally told him, either behave with courtesy and be polite to mum, or you will not be invited. He kicked up at this, ranted a bit about me leaving him and apparently got a big shock, when our eldest told him, "I am not surprised mum left, cause there were times I felt like murdering you", not just walking out."

I would be thankful your AH is keeping his distance from you, and is behaving so well with the kids etc, as it could have become a holiday from hell, and upset everyone.

Grit your teeth, murmer "this will pass", as a mantra and go enjoy doing what you want to do.....heck lay back and relax and let him and inlaws give you a respite from being mum.....let them babysit the kids.

God bless
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Old 08-16-2010, 09:19 PM
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Thank you...I think I will take advantage of the situation.....All the years we have come here together as a couple...I always felt responsible and upset when he would get drunk and stupid.....Last year...he made just about everyone in the house mad with his drunken behavior....I don't feel that way this year....I got some good sun today...played in the ocean with the kids....shopped.....I can basically do what I want...The inlaws always have things planned for the kids.....So I am having a great time in spite of the difficult circumstances.....It's all about having the right attitude..

I'm okay seeing him at home at school functions....birthday parties....He is ALWAYS welcome at anything that is for the kids.....Just a little weird situation here....But all is well so far....I am trying to let my guard down, thank you all for helping me through this....
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