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I am baffled

Old 07-01-2010, 10:44 AM
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OSSSU!
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I am baffled

I have my own history.....Started very young with lots of drinking and drugs, pills, cocaine hallucinogens, you name it....Had a baby at age 17 and stopped most things ....except drinking and smoking pot...(as if that's ok)
In a very physically abusive marriage..I am also an adult child.

In a total back out.... 1990 or so, crashed my car, smashed my face into the windshield and broke my ribs....not long after I stopped using everything (Gave it up for Lent) and never went back to any of it....Finally got divorced after six years of marriage/hell and moved away.

Started working in psych and substance abuse and have not touched a drink in many years...I ALWAYS SWORE I'D NEVER DRINK AGAIN!!! .....So, one day I was at work and a coworker offered me a Xanax...Yup! That was the beginning of one horrible relapse, I guess it was about one year....who knows, I was in a blackout half the time... I did not pick up a drink but switched addictions. How on earth I managed to keep both jobs is beyond me....ANYHOW....Now I have five years back and I thank God every day.

What brought me to this site is, I am baffled that this could happen to me...I have been able to do many things, such as deal with a family full of addict/alcoholics, I help people/family members get into recovery every single day....I've been working in the field for what seems like forever and always knew never to get involved with an active alcoholic/addict.
I have been in a few dysfunctional relationships and after the last one I decided to take some time off of relationships (5 yrs.!) In that time I have worked on myself (or so I thought) meditation, self help, seminars...Deepak, Wayne Dyer and Marianne Williamson consumed most of my time. And then out of left field I get involved with a raging alcoholic. I have no idea what I was thinking because he told me of the things he's done and all the arrests....the list goes on and on. So I thought it would be ok to see him but only when he is not drinking....which in the beginning he managed to make time for. It's only been about four months and he's rarely sober now, he's a big binge drinker, and it seems that he starts the binge the day before I'm supposed to go see him...... I haven't seen him in almost five weeks, now....How frustrating and painful this is. I am taking this very personal.

To sum it all up....I Googled some things and this site came up so I read for a couple weeks and then finally registered. I'm glad I did...I thought I was doing so well by working on myself and got caught up and REALLY hurt.

Thanks for reading,
Mataleao
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Old 07-01-2010, 11:40 AM
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Welcome to this side of recovery!

There are several of us here that are double winners. We have recovered from our own addictions (mine was alcoholism) and have started recovering from being addicted to our addicted loved ones.

After I got sober, I had to start working on other issues - especially my codependency. I was married to an active alcoholic, and I lost myself in trying to control his addiction and his life. I was always reacting to his actions.

Alanon and self-help books like "Codependent No More" are some of the resources I am using in my recovery from this side of addiction.

Make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.
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Old 07-01-2010, 11:44 AM
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cmc
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Welcome to SR.

This site is a life saver for many.

Like anything else I've learned, there are times when the knowledge in my head remains there and until or unless I can find ways to work things through in practical and real ways I don't find the results I want and need.

I had studied codependence extensively....for many years....before I was able to recognize it in myself. The great news is that once I learn to do better I can live better.

I'm so glad you found us.
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Old 07-01-2010, 11:50 AM
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Deepak, Wayne Dyer and Marianne Williamson
Oh yes, I love these people too.
I found a Dyer book when I was on a weekend from rehab.
Wow! Great stuff.
Thank you for coming here and contributing.
Beth
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Old 07-01-2010, 10:35 PM
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OSSSU!
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I am reading a great book right now....In fact it's my second time reading it. About adult children...The Intimacy Struggle. Boy, does this hit home.

You are all so nice! =)

Thanx!
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Old 07-02-2010, 08:29 AM
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Just wanted to say hi and WELCOME
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Old 07-02-2010, 08:32 AM
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Hello and welcome to SR.
You will find lots of encouragement and support here. Another Floridian....yay!!! LOL
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