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Old 06-30-2010, 01:04 PM
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I have never posted anything, ever, before, so I feel a little awkward doing this; but I need some insight into what is going on in my life right now. My husband is a recovering alcoholic who quit drinking about 5 months ago. I have known him for 12 years, been married five. He has always been wild, but I was young and did not understand the situation. I actually was ready to leave him six years ago because I realized that his drinking was out of control and then I realized I was pregnant with our first daughter. So coming from a highly traditional family, I married him instead. I know, I can not believe I did it either looking back. Things were not good, but two years ago he entered recovery and stayed sober for seven months. Things were great and everything was perfect, it was like living in a fairytale compared to how my life had been with him. He was taking two medications, one of which was an antidepressant so I am not sure if that is what made things different then. He went to a friends house and had a beer and everything fell apart again. Then over the last year he has repeatedly gotten into legal trouble over his drinking and decided to get help. Only this time around it is different. He criticizes everything I do, nothing is good enough. He always wants control over everything and tells me I do not let him have his position back as head of the household and that I have control issues; but it really is not like that. He is so obssessed with control that he freaked out when I changed the answering machine message because his voice was no longer the one on it. I only changed it because I needed to leave a message on it for him. If I make a mistake he throws it in my face repeatedly. He tells me I do not know how good I have it, but he constantly puts me down. He makes snide comments about my weight because I am a size bigger than I started out as after having our third child. Family and friends call the house and he will flip a switch and be so nice to them, then get off the phone and talk nasty to me. I think he hates me and I am starting to really wonder if I am this terrible person he keeps telling me I am. He will call me from work and be nice, then come home and start criticizing something I did not have time to clean or get done during the day. I feel like I am going crazy, he has never been this way with me. He constantly tells me I am not the person he married and at one point told me I had to change or we would have to divorce. I just can not figure out what it is that he wants me to change into because everytime I try to do something to make him happy there is something else wrong with me. After I approached him about this again, he now says this is how I make him feel. I have a hard time finding alot of information on this topic. I do not understand what is going on and I am trying to detach myself, but it is hard when someone is tearing your self-esteem apart. I went to a local meeting in our small town for families, but all of their family members were still using and did not understand my situation.
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Jadmack25 (06-30-2010)
Old 06-30-2010, 01:14 PM
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I'm sorry you are in such a bad and sad situation. This sounds pretty insane to me.

Is he currently seeing a psychiatrist? It sounds like some medical/psych intervention might need to happen, if he did not previously have this kind of personality.
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Old 06-30-2010, 01:18 PM
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hi amhs3...and WELCOME to SR! I'm so very glad you found this place. The people here are wonderfully supportive and have lots of wisdom to offer you.

First off, I'd like to post for you the 3 C's of addiction, in case you don't already know them:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

Please try to remember that your AH (alcoholic husband)'s disease is not your fault, despite how he may blame you. When he drinks, it is entirely his choice.

Also, your post didn't address this specifically but I thought I should remind you that you simply cannot do a single thing to change your AH's drinking. Nothing you say, do, or don't say or don't do will change him. If he chooses recovery, it will be his own decision.

In the meantime, you're spot on: detach from him and focus on yourself and your children.

Re-reading your post...your AH sounds a lot like mine did. Excessively controlling, jealous, verbally and emotionally abusive, made me think I was NUTS for even suggesting that he wasn't the perfect husband. I hope you can see how ABUSIVE he is to you. Does he treat your children this way as well? This is an entirely separate issue from his drinking.

Please get comfy here; keep reading and posting. We're here for you.
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Old 06-30-2010, 01:36 PM
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Amhs,

I have very little to offer you, because I'm new to this myself. I joined a few months ago... feeling the exact same way as you. What you described, I could have written myself.

What I've learned is, there is absolute peace withOUT them. It sucks feeling like you amount to nothing, especially when they turn around and tell you how great you are? It's just insanity, and it feels so much better once you get away from them. I'm not suggesting you leave your husband... so yeah, I'm going to stop here.


I'm sorry, and I wish I could be of more help! This site has done wonders for me, so stick around and reading and posting your feelings. The people here are amazing, and they've really helped me in regards to finally building up my self-esteem, and taking the focus off of 'him' onto 'me'!
***Hugs***
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Old 06-30-2010, 01:36 PM
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If he is not drinking he still may have the same thinking processes of someone who is in addiction. I found this article on the Internet and it has given me a lot of understanding.

Dry Drunk Syndrome
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Old 06-30-2010, 03:17 PM
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Several things may be going on:

One possibility is that he is going through a transitional phase after stopping drinking ... as mentioned in the post above. When my AH made his first real attempt at sobriety, he attended AA to help him deal with all the cravings, mood swings and anger he was going through. It can take at least 6 months for alcoholics to recover mentally and physically from the effects of alcohol. Many times it requires some type of support group to guide them through the tough times.

Another possibility is that he could be secretly drinking and trying to hide it. When my AH secretly started drinking again, the first major change I noticed was his intense anger and criticism of everything I said or did. He became meaner than I had ever known him to be ... swearing he was not drinking while carefully trying to hide his relapse. It was much easier for him to justify to himself that is was okay to be drinking again ... if he could find someone to blame for his problems other than himself. My father, who was also an alcoholic, normally was easy going, but could become suddenly nasty and provoke a fight when feeling strong cravings, just so he could use the argument as an excuse to stomp out the door and drink. Anger, denial, lying and blame ... are all classic behaviors of alcoholics.

Keep reading the posts both old and new. You have found a wonderful place to learn and understand the struggles families go through while dealing with the very complicated issues of addiction. The more you learn, the more at peace you will feel with your choices.
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