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Ugh-- this is my own problem

Old 06-28-2010, 08:49 PM
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Ugh-- this is my own problem

I am skeeeered of upsetting the happy niceness we have. (by having 'the talk')

Anyone have any words of wisdom?

I think I have overdone myself with reading, posting and thinking today. (No work, no kids, no school, nothing that had to be done.. so I spent a lot of time here and pretty much did not a whole lot else but clean my house)
I know I need to take a little step back and just breathe a little. The world is not ending. The sky is not falling.

Ive kind of worked myself into a frenzy of questioning everything.

Like-- me and BF are so nice to each other. Is THAT some alcoholic facade? Have I romanticized everything?

We have pleasantness and peacefullness in our togetherness all the time.

I am afraid to make him feel self conscious.
I am afraid to make him feel bad.
I am afraid to make him afraid that I might leave.
I am afraid to put him on the spot.

YES, I know what co-dependence is. and no his feelings are not more important than mine or my kids.

But dang, I feel vulnerable saying and admitting that I have anxiety thinking about even starting a discussion about drinking.


** FTR, I do not feel afraid to talk about other problems with him.
it's always been dealt with so nicely. This one issue gives me high high anxiety though.

I feel like I'll be telling him something that is really really wrong with him.

Why cant he be a jerk to me so I dont feel like I will be putting a sweet sweet person on the spot.
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Old 06-28-2010, 09:01 PM
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I am afraid to make him feel self conscious.
I am afraid to make him feel bad.
I am afraid to make him afraid that I might leave.
I am afraid to put him on the spot.
I want to add, I am not afraid of those things about anything other than drinking.

Why the drinking issue than? Because it feel so so big.


Disagreement is almost foreign to us. Not that Im afraid of it..I think past SO's would beg to differ. haha

I just... yikes.. if you can say anything to help me understand my feelings, I will surely consider it and mull it over.
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Old 06-28-2010, 09:40 PM
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Hi there, if you can't be honest with each other, esp. about something so important as how it would effect your lives.. what else will you have problems with. I don't see why he should have any problems with it, it is basically you expressing your concerns over how much he is drinking, as you know that drinking is a progressive disease and he is harming his body. Just use I statements. Remember, at any time this could change, and if you too afraid... you will never be able too aproach him with something that is really important, if alll u can do is think about it, you have to get it out. Most alcoholics don't believe they have a problem! It took me two years to get AH in the right place to have ''the talk'' couldn't believe he thought he had it under control! Do it! You are the only person, who needs to worry about you! If he takes offence is he really worth it?
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Old 06-28-2010, 09:46 PM
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"I am afraid to make him feel self conscious.
I am afraid to make him feel bad.
I am afraid to make him afraid that I might leave.
I am afraid to put him on the spot."
1. You are afraid. Fear can be paralyzing. Feel the fear and do it anyway.
2. You are more concerned about how he is going to react than you are for your own well-being. You have not identified why you have a problem with his drinking, O/T for the benefit of the kids.
3. You are obsessed with his behavior.
4. You subconsciously think that you have the ability to control another person's thoughts and feelings.
5. Your anxiety stems from the fact that you cannot reconcile the 'good' him with the alcoholic him.
6. You are not aware that this person likely KNOWS he has a drinking problem.

All of these things are not uncommon. Most of us here have done all these things too. Pay attention to those things that are said here that make you angry. THose things will clue you in to where you are likely in denial.
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Old 06-29-2010, 05:56 AM
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If your relationship is as strong and solid as you believe it to be, then it will weather this storm. You are supposed to be partners; you are supposed to share with each other and support one another.

There's really no right or wrong way to have this "talk"; do it in your own time, when you feel ready. The results may surprise you.

When I was ready to leave my XAH, I couldn't bring myself to say it directly. Somehow, he caught on and *he* brought it up. Before I knew it, the talk was over and we'd agreed to part ways. I was beyond relieved. (of course, there came much turmoil later on, but the actual talk itself was a breeze).

Also, perhaps the fact that your boyfriend isn't a jerk is an opportunity for you to "man up", so to speak, and accept that you will be the one to rock the boat. I get how you feel. I get not wanting to disturb the peace.
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Old 06-29-2010, 10:41 AM
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Sometimes you may hear advice that reflects more about what that person is feeling than what pertains to your situation.
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Old 06-29-2010, 11:19 AM
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I am afraid to make him feel self conscious.
I am afraid to make him feel bad.
I am afraid to make him afraid that I might leave.
I am afraid to put him on the spot.
Being afraid to talk to someone about your feelings in a relationship does not make a healthy relationship. Why are you so afraid of these things? Are you afraid he will leave you if you upset him?
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Old 06-29-2010, 12:48 PM
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I am not responsible for another adult's feelings. That being said, I don't have the right to act like an a$$ either.

You don't have the power to make him feel a certain way. You don't have the power to make him think a certain way.

He's a big boy. He can think and feel as he chooses, no?

There's the saying "Mean what you say, say what you mean, but don't say it mean."

You're just the messenger.

How he chooses to interpret the message is just that, his choice.
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Old 06-29-2010, 09:57 PM
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty View Post
Being afraid to talk to someone about your feelings in a relationship does not make a healthy relationship. Why are you so afraid of these things? Are you afraid he will leave you if you upset him?
Im not afraid he will leave me.

Im afraid of causing him anguish, or something. Almost like, how would you bring up if your SO was overweight and you feared for their long-term health? You dont want to cause them to be embarrassed or humiliated or make them feel like you dont find them attractive. You dont want to make them self loathing or anything. But how do you bring up a sensitive topic when you KNOW they will feel certain personal feelings.

but I fear being a causer of pain to him, I guess. I dislike that feeling. :-/
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Old 06-29-2010, 11:26 PM
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I know exactly what you are talking about.

At the very end of my relationship I wanted my husband (now ex) out of the house more then anything in the world. No part of me questioned what I personally wanted for myself. He left once after carrying on for hours and I started crying a river as I watched him go. My heart was breaking. It occured to me, at that moment, that I was not even crying for myself. My heart was breaking because I thought he felt unloved and I caused that. The emotion was like a desperate and panicy need to make sure he didn't feel unloved or unwanted, despite the fact that love, respect, and even basic tolerance had left that relationship long ago. I couldn't feel anything for myself except extreme mental confusion.

It was a bit of a turning point because I realized that I had issues. I'm not saying you are at that point. I had gone most the way down the slippery slope of living with alcoholism - and it wasn't pretty. It is my long winded way of saying - I got the book 'Codependnet No More' by Melody Beattie. I did not identify myself as co-dependent (opposite actually), but then I read the book, twice.
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Old 06-30-2010, 05:29 AM
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I know what you're talking about too. The alcoholism is the elephant in the living room.

As codependents, we tiptoe around the subject. It's just what we do. Until we turn into shrews over it, that is.

I also think you're doing that thing: don't wanna bring "it" up when he's in a foul mood, because it won't be well received. Don't wanna bring it up when he's in a good mood, cuz it'll wreck his good mood. It's a no-win situation isn't it?

I think what Learn said. Feel the fear or anxiety, and push through it. Your heart is gonna be racing, you're gonna have butterflies in your stomach, you're gonna try to find just the right words so it's loving, gentle, respectful, yet also makes the point that you think there's something wrong. Yes, I know these talks.

I think this particular topic is so difficult for us because of the things it triggers in us.

Good luck, let us know how it went.
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Old 06-30-2010, 06:30 AM
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I feel like I'll be telling him something that is really really wrong with him.
I don't know what you plan to say during this talk.
There's a huge difference if 'the talk' is intended to change him vs 'the talk' being about how _you_ feel and what things _you_ intend to change for yourself and your kids.


I've learned that if I avoid or I tiptoe around an issue....then I'm not giving myself or the other person the dignity of choice. These days I try to speak the truth with love and respect myself and others.

I don't want to live a life hiding my feelings and deferring my own needs and thoughts for the sake of keeping the peace. I grew up in that atmosphere. On the other hand there are plenty of times when I find it best to just accept things as they are and leave it alone- but in those cases I still find some way to adapt or change things on my end of it. Actions speak louder than words.
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Old 06-30-2010, 10:35 AM
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but I fear being a causer of pain to him, I guess
So why do you think that your concerns about his health will cause him pain?

And why do you think asking him not to drink around you or your children would cause him pain?

What's more important to you?
  1. Not causing him pain or discomfort?
  2. Protecting yourself and your children from the effects of having an alcoholic in the home?

I'm afraid there's an elephant in your living room, and I don't think your protective blankie is big enough to cover it.
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Old 06-30-2010, 12:23 PM
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Originally Posted by hello-kitty View Post
I'm afraid there's an elephant in your living room, and I don't think your protective blankie is big enough to cover it.
This needs to be a sticky or something. It's just ...awesome.
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Old 06-30-2010, 02:46 PM
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cmc said:
There's a huge difference if 'the talk' is intended to change him vs 'the talk' being about how _you_ feel...
Ooh, I totally agree with this line of reasoning. I too learned early on in my Recovery how I was trying to get the other person to change and so I stopped that. I refocused it so that it was just me communicating what I needed or wanted in the relationship but then what made it even worse was that I realized the other person just did not care to stop and just kept doing whatever hurtful things he wanted to do, without regard to my feelings. That's how I eventually got to learn how to provide for this:

what things _you_ intend to change for yourself
Learning that it was MY responsibility to choose wisely, to choose the kind of man who DOES care about what I want and need in a relationship, to choose the kind of man who is CAPABLE of providing that, took a LONG time for me to learn.

I guess I am just slow.
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