hi amhs3...and WELCOME to SR! I'm so very glad you found this place. The people here are wonderfully supportive and have lots of wisdom to offer you.
First off, I'd like to post for you the 3 C's of addiction, in case you don't already know them:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.
Please try to remember that your AH (alcoholic husband)'s disease is not your fault, despite how he may blame you. When he drinks, it is entirely his choice.
Also, your post didn't address this specifically but I thought I should remind you that you simply cannot do a single thing to change your AH's drinking. Nothing you say, do, or don't say or don't do will change him. If he chooses recovery, it will be his own decision.
In the meantime, you're spot on: detach from him and focus on yourself and your children.
Re-reading your post...your AH sounds a lot like mine did. Excessively controlling, jealous, verbally and emotionally abusive, made me think I was NUTS for even suggesting that he wasn't the perfect husband. I hope you can see how ABUSIVE he is to you. Does he treat your children this way as well? This is an entirely separate issue from his drinking.
Please get comfy here; keep reading and posting. We're here for you.