FormerDoormat

I'm beginning to think that some words/expressions I've used in the past and have seen often on this forum may be more than just expressions of love. They may actually be red flags. I'm talking about words and phrases like:

My one true love
The love of my life
My soul mate
A dream come true
Love at first sight
Happily ever after
Together forever
My everything
Prince Charming

I believe words and phrases like these create an unrealistic expectation about love. They are not based on truth; they are based on fantasy. So whenever these words begin to form on my lips, I remind myself:

I may be entering the magical thinking zone.

Bolina

I get that now, FD. It took me a long time to get to that place, though. And if I think back 15 years, I bet that I would have dismissed whoever told me that was the case as a killjoy, a cynic, a heartless individual. Conditioning is very powerful. I am glad there are folks like you out there to counteract the unhealthy stuff. Life is not Disney.

I think I do still believe in the idea of "fit" - you know when two people just seem to work so well together. But these days I neither long for it, nor do I limit it to a romantic partner. I have some friends IRL with whom I seem to have an almost telepathic connection. If I were gay, I would be sorted. I just enjoy that connecion for what it is - a meeting of minds in the sometimes lonely walk through life. I don't need it, it just makes my days go a little easier.

wanting

I remember meeting AH and feeling like he was "the one" and all that. We got married after only knowing one another for 5 months. I remember one of my friends telling me, "Sometimes love is not enough." And I remember thinking that I don't want to live in a world where love is not enough, where soulmates are a fiction of the imagination. Uh, 2 kids, an alcohol problem, and an affair later...yeah, sometimes love is not enough.

Bolina

Depends how you define love, I guess.

LaTeeDa

I remember my mom's favorite thing to say when times were tough was "someday my ship will come in." I had no idea how that kind of thinking was imprinted on me until just a few years ago. The notion that somehow suffering will one day be rewarded kept me in an unhappy marriage, and generally kept me from enjoying life in the present.

I spent decades trying to earn that elusive reward, waiting for that ship to come. Ugh.

L

Freedom1990

Soul mate. That was the big one for me and EXAH.

We had that special connection.

I understood him like no one else could.

Makes me nauseous just typing that out.

posiesperson

I have consistently believe that "love is not enough." Didn't really understand what it meant until these past 4 or so years, tho.

My exs had a problem with me saying that I believe "love is not enough." Interesting...wonder what THAT meant, that they had such a problem with that??!!


posie

Ann

Am I the only one who has difficulty finding a Hallmark card because so many of my loved ones are dysfunctional?

Hallmark words are not for people like me, they just don't fit

Thanks for the observation.

Still Waters

I've always believed that love isn't enough, and I've always been called horribly unromantic.

keepinon

If love could fix everything none of us would be on this site!

tjp613

Yep, I'm cynical. I left behind that kind of magical thinking about 10 years ago, never to return. I kinda miss the fantasy sometimes. <sigh>

theuncertainty

Magical thinking.... I had to ponder this for a while and realized the same traps in my thought processes.

During my first year of college, I dated a guy who I thought was my soul mate. We watched the Butcher's Wife (cornball romantic comedy with Demi Moore) together and he was always saying I was his split-apart. Fast forward a bit. I got accepted to a great college out of state with a great scholarship. He refused to 'let' me go. I realized right quickly that my initial thought of him being a soul mate was dead wrong.

After that, I ran into my STBXAH again. What did I do? Bingo. I found my Prince Charming, who would never treat me 'the way my last BF did'...

This is all reminding me of Collette Dowlings' The Cinderella Complex. Maybe it's just the prince charming bit. I read it once years ago. I don't really remember the entire premise, but I remember thinking what a load and donating it. I think I may need to find a copy and re-read it, because I think it may provide additional insights now that I'm ready to hear them.

And good lord, I don't want to have to learn this lesson again, this last go-round has been brutal. If I start hearing those words ever forming in my mind again I hope the next thing I hear myself think is "Danger - Danger - Danger"

gingercharlie

That's interesting. I use that phrase ALL. THE. TIME. Do I know you? Haha!

Wonder why I never used it for myself...?

nodaybut2day

Not to sound like a total snob, but *most* pop music is generated in that Magical Thinking Zone. If you REALLY listen--especially from a codie perspective, it makes you want to just turn off the radio for good.

"I would do anything for love"
"And I....will always love you"
"I will be right here waiting for you"
"Everything I do, I do it for you".

It can get desperate:
"All by myself...don't wanna be, all by myself anymore!"

And it can get scary:
"Every breath you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you"

I can't listen to music anymore!!

Hammerhead

I read something on SR the other day about "falling in" love... I kinda chuckled.... it made me think of the saying....

"If you don't stand for something... you'll fall for anything."

Hmmmmmm

Learn2Live

WOW what an awesome thread! I really needed these reminders. I agree with what everyone has said here and altho I'll probably sound like a weirdo, I have to admit that this kind of magical thinking is rampant in our lives and it was a struggle for me to conquer it. I started with conquering the romantic magical thinking, then stopped buying Hallmark stuff like someone mentioned above, stopped buying into the music like nodaybut2day, stopped watching TV for the most part because commercials always made me cry and I would ALWAYS get addicted to TV shows and stay up all night watching them, stopped buying gifts for holidays except for SMALL tokens for acquaintances. I stopped believing in Christmas and all the joy it brings, because it had never brought me joy. Instead of buying gifts I started paying only for experiences with my loved ones. I know, shocker, right? But I had friends who volunteer for suicide hotlines during the holidays because of the effect the thinking around Christmas has on people. My sobriety and Recovery would not allow me to ignore that any longer. I'm sure there is more magical thinking beyond romance that I still have not recognized.

FormerDoormat

I agree that most love songs are written in the Magical Thinking Zone, but others send a healthier message. One song that comes to mind is "I Hope You Dance."

coffeedrinker

YouTube - Lee Ann Womack I hope you dance

Chino

This is the one of the few times I can appreciate my Catholic school education. I never had magical thinking past sixth grade because of our science curriculum. We were taught the nuts and bolts of sexual relations/attraction and they made sure to remove all the romance from it. Cinderella, Snow White and all the rest of the fairy tales died the first day of class lol.

Learn2Live

Another magical thinking example I have been fighting lately: If I BUY some product, my skin will look younger!!! I have really had to hold back on this one and start accepting that I am aging and no product is going to magically make me look 10 years younger. Perhaps quitting smoking 20 years earlier might have done the trick!!!