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I just don't get it

Old 06-28-2010, 09:42 AM
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Unhappy I just don't get it

How can anything in a bottle have so much power over somebody. It's a liquid. How can it be more important than me. I just broke up with him again last night. I can't stop crying. I'm at my desk at work, crying. I'm so F***ing angry and sad. He was almost there, he hit what I thought was bottom, he was already to go for counselling. His parents, who drink 24/7, talked him out of it. They tell him he's a loser for wanting help. They tell him he doesn't have a problem, even when he cries to them that he does. He is reaching out for help so hard, but I can't help him. He doesn't deny his problem, he knows it's real, and its running his life. He just gets no support. He told them he was quitting drinking, so for 1 day, 1 DAY, they hid the alcohol, then the next the tequila, vodka, rum and sours were right there on the counter again. I HATE alcohol, I used to enjoy a beer or two on the patio, relaxing and playing guitar, but now i see a bottle or smell alcohol on anyone and I fly into a raging sadness. I don't know what to do anymore. The three days he can stay sober he is awesome, the day it starts to get to him is hard, and the day he gives in kills me. It's like dating a scitzophrenic. How do I get myself back again. I don't even know who I am anymore. I always said I would never get into a situation like this. I always said I'd see the signs and run screaming. I have learned so much about myself and I don't like what I have become, what I gave up to stay a few more days with him. What do I do?
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Old 06-28-2010, 09:48 AM
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Go to an ALanon meeting..like TODAY. You are in crisis and need support. Everybody there has been in your shoes. You won't learn how to "fix" him, but you will get your life back.
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Old 06-28-2010, 09:49 AM
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Hi Hurting and WELCOME to SR.

I'm glad you found this place. There's lots of support to be had here.

First off, it seems like you already know instinctively what to do about this situation: get the heck away from him. You realize already the 3 C's of addiction:
You didn't CAUSE it.
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

The only power you have in this situation is over YOURSELF. You can choose to walk away from this, go No Contact (as in, no calls, emails, texts, surprise visits, Facebook, My Space, LinkedIn, *nothing*), and focus on yourself.

Have you considered going to Al-Anon or counselling? It can be eye-opening to realize that many others have walked the path you're on. And slowly you'll get yourself back again.

I know how difficult this must be. Keep posting and reading. SR is here for you.
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Old 06-28-2010, 09:56 AM
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I didn't like what I had become either when I walked way from my abusive, psychotic EXAH.

However, I thought leaving him was the solution to my problem.

Although that was part of the solution, what I failed to follow through on was to look at why I was attracted to people like that.

So for 13 miserable years after I left him, I kept making the same mistakes over and over, only with different men.

I second the suggestion of getting your hands on a copy of "Codependent No More." Find local Alanon meetings in your area. There you will find face to face support from those who have been where you are..

I have also pursued therapy/counseling over the years as needed when I have issues crop up that need intensive work.

I'm sorry for the circumstances that brought you here, but I am glad you found us!
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Old 06-28-2010, 10:29 AM
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I still don't get it. Therefore i don't drink and work my program. All I can say is that you reach an understanding and inner peace re: what seems so unfair and had been covered up by layers of denial and self delusion. Then there is an opportunity to rebuild from that into something much much better. The process is basically the same for the addict and the enabler.
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Old 06-28-2010, 12:15 PM
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Wow, what a mind... well you know what. He called on my lunch today. He said it's good we broke up because he needs to be able to do this for himself. Hey, Candle of hope right??? NOPE. Because it's also good because now he can go out and have a "few" drinks with his friends withou feeling guilty. Now he can go down a forty, not that he would (LOL) but he has the freedom. Do you know what I asked of him, only one thing, just please don't drink around me if you really want to spend time with me. That went great for a while until one evening, after a romantic night, and some amazing sex, his brother and friends came over from the bar at three A.M. We were asleep in bed, and he woke right up. He really wanted to go down drinking with them. I said, we're already in bed and have been sleeping for a few hours. He said fine, I just have to go to the bathroom. Then the familiar sound, stairs quietly creeping once the noisy bathroom fan came on. this time, I went to the beer fridge his parents have in the gargage, and he said he was just there having a smoke, and then coming to bed. I say, alright hun, sorry for not trusting you, I hug him and CLANK, his robe is stuffed with four bottles of beer. That's a lot of what this sounds like. Why do I let him give me hope. I hate hope. I don't want it anymore. I guess it's time to buck up the extra couple of dollars for call display. This has to stop. ERRRRR
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Old 06-28-2010, 12:54 PM
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His parents didn't talk him out of anything.. when I wanted to get sober, for good, I was willing to do ANYTHING, no matter what was in my way. When and if he's truly ready, he'll get help. Not every alcoholic gets help.
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Old 06-28-2010, 03:45 PM
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I broke up with an alkie over 1.5 years ago and yes sometimes I still don't get it, the pain of it all comes back and I am just TIRED AND WEARY of failing to put that beast to rest and come to terms that yes, drink was first and is still first, there is someone else in his life and NO, he didn't give a damn then, he doesn't give a damn now, and he is still the "happy-go-lucky" guy drinking in the beach and going to clubs.

I know how it feels and I am sorry you are going through the same

All I can say is keep reading/posting- keep looking at the facts... this guy drinks because he wants to drink that's all. Just like any alkie (or normal person) they got their own choices and their own lives to live (or destroy).

Sometimes walls have to be torn down completely so something new is built with strong foundations.

I still feel many things but you know what?

I am better at discerning wishful thinking and reality. I thought reality was painful but no. It is wishful thinkng that is painful and never ending suffering. Reality is harsh at first but afterwards you got material to work on and a list of things you can do that make you feel much better. And many gifts come along with that.

I am better at saying "oh well. I am just a human... of course I have feelings" and NOT place judgment on how I feel and see ALL feelings as valuable and appropiate. NO ONE has walked in your shoes so yes you are entitled to your feelings and encourageed to feel them, learn from them, sit with them, work them (therapy helps a lot with this)

In the end I feel I am sad and angry with myself for letting someone who is not worth a lot take so much of my time and energy. There is this delusion that they are so great IF ONLY they didn't drink but, look at things closely, in reality many of alkies got no self respect, no love for themselves, are hurt so they only know how to hurt, try to lie to themselves and lie to others, none of that is authentic and comes down sooner or later.

You'll go through this stronger and wiser and whatever happens it will be easier for you to come back to your center and feel stable and loved even in the midst of chaos or changes or strong feelings. Invest in your spiritual life. Once I reconnected with the GOD-Higher power of my understanding it is obvious I am loved and I was saved from something horrible, addiction. And what I am looking for is NOT in an alcoholic or any other person for that matter.

I wish you the best, keep posting and reading, it helps!
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Old 06-28-2010, 04:07 PM
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Hi,
I am new here. This is my first time posting. But, your post is almost exactly what I am thinking, and going through. I don't get it either. =(

Katfshh
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Old 06-28-2010, 04:17 PM
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Originally Posted by Katfshh View Post
Hi,
I am new here. This is my first time posting. But, your post is almost exactly what I am thinking, and going through. I don't get it either. =(

Katfshh
Welcome to SR Kat! Glad to see you here..
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Old 06-28-2010, 04:29 PM
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At one point in time, usually after years of pain, misery and desperation, we all realize it doesn't matter we don't get it, we don't have to get it, we just have to remove ourselves from it and keep our sanity. IMHO that is something we trully need to get. The rest of it is just prolonging the agony.
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Old 06-28-2010, 05:00 PM
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Hurtingbad: I could have written your post myself!!!!!! Today, June 28, I sat at MY desk and cried after another bad night with "him." I JUST DONT GET IT!!!!!!! He is like Dr. Jeckle and Mr. Hyde. Without beer, he is the perfect man. With beer, he is the devil. I so desperately want to stop hurting. He is begging me for help but I don't know how to help him and protect myself from the emotional pain at the same time. Hurtingbad, I'm right there with you.
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Old 06-29-2010, 06:48 AM
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Originally Posted by CONFUSEDnTIRED View Post
He is begging me for help but I don't know how to help him and protect myself from the emotional pain at the same time.
Hi ConfusednTired! to SR in case no one's said it yet.

Please try to remember that:
You didn't CAUSE it
You can't CURE it.
You can't CONTROL it.

No matter how he begs you to help, it's not your job to do that. You do not have it within your power to "help", "cure", "make him better". That's *entirely* within his hands. Give him the number to AA and step waaaaaaay back.
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Old 06-29-2010, 07:01 AM
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Yep, we're doing the same thing. I'm really angry at myself again this morning. After he sent his text saying the drinking isn't the only reason we broke up, and If I thought that I had a lot of thinking to do, I texted him back. #$%@%^!!! I swore I wouldn't do that. But for some reason, I can't let it go. I told him that I do care for him, and even love him, but I can't think of any of the reasons we broke up that don't go back to drinking. NOTHING... I do have a bit of a personality problem. When I can't figure something out, I study it and learn about it until I find a solution. that's why i've been so successful in my career. I have never found a problem I couldn't figure out. This is just so foreign to me. I feel so angry, so cheated. I'm mad I didn't see his problems beforeI moved in with him. I'm mad for every time I took him back after he got abusive. I'm mad that I'm going to Al-Anon tonight, because this never should have been my problem. I'm mad for being lied to so many times. I'm mad for believing in him. I'm angry at the alcohol industry, I saw a bus shelter add for discount beer, and I wanted to drive right into it and smash it to pieces. I'm angry at his parents for not supporting him. I'm mad at his parents for putting airplane size bottles in his Christmas stocking when he was 13. I know now that he has been getting drunk since he was 11 years old. I'm mad that he says the he's made progress, because he used to be addicted to cocaine and street drugs and he beat that. NO HE DIDN'T... He replaced it with alcohol. I think I have to do the opposite of what people have been telling me. Love the person hate the disease. I can't do that. I can't love the person anymore. I tried to love him, and I only got my feelings thrown back at me. I was neglected, I was abused, I could never compete with the Lamb's rum bottle. I think I'm so messed up because of the Dr. Jeckyl/Mr. Hyde thing. There were times where he would go from caring to angry, in less that 10 minutes. My God why did I put up with this. I'm actually more mad at myself than him. He was just being himself, I was the one compromising myself. Because I'm a caring person. I see anyone, even strangers that need help, and I do what I can. So when people I'm close to cry for help, I do my best.

All in all I'm just way too overwhealmed. I'm having issues with coming out gay two years ago. I'm having issues with my ex-wife going through severe cancer treatments for a brain tumour. I'm trying to keep my kids happy through all of this. I'm commuting an hour and a half to work, because I couldn't live with him anymore. and now I have to deal with his disease.

Too much.
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Old 06-29-2010, 07:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Hurtingbad View Post
How can anything in a bottle have so much power over somebody. It's a liquid. How can it be more important than me.
Welcome to SR, and I'm so sorry for your pain.

"It's a liquid". Not.

We are all a body walking around housing a bunch of chemcials. The drug in alcohol, alters those chemicals, it truly does.

It is more important than you. We have all been at a place where we can't for the life of us, understand how this can be so. That's because we're not addicted. To drugs, anyway. But our "addiction" mirrors theirs in so many ways. So, if you think about it that way, perhaps you can understand a little.

Have you ever not gone to a family or friend function, because of what's going on in your life surrounding the addict?

Have you spent days feeling completely out of sorts - not yourself?

Have you had your mind occupied with nothing else, but the addict - where he is, what is he doing, have you been lied to again, how's this going to end, what is the deal? The occupation can go on for days, weeks.

Have you ever felt the incredible and intense RELIEF because your addict has treated you well, has said he/she is going to get sober, or has not used for a day or two?

Have you become physically ill, whether it be nerves and anxiety, heart palpitations, upset stomach, disapointment so intense you feel the physical manifestations of it?

Have you ever gone into a situation with your addict, like a reconciliation, or doing something in conflict with your value system, KNOWING it is not right, KNOWING it will possibly/probably end badly, yet you go there anyway?



I have.



Stepping back and looking at those kinds of things is how I can draw a parallel, and I can understand the power of their drug over them.

All you new members --

Please keep coming here. This site was the single biggest factor in my TRUE road to recovery. Got a long ways to go, but I'm gonna get there. You will too.
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Old 06-29-2010, 07:15 AM
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Hurting...have you read about the stages of grief?

7 STAGES OF GRIEF

Just from reading your last post, it sounds like you're in the pain/anger stages, which is entirely *normal*! You're allowed to feel pissed about what happened.

When I felt this same kind of anger about my XAH, I REALLY understood Step 1: We admitted we were powerless. Yep. That was me. Great Powerless One. There wasn't single bloody thing I could do to stop him from going out EVERY. FRIGGIN. DAY to buy bear or from cracking a can open. (I *hate* that sound now btw).

I punched a lot of pillows back then all the while reminding myself that I didn't cause of this to happen and I couldn't have ever controlled it.

I also struggled with that self-blame, that shame, wondering how *I*, the educated, "smart" one, could fall for someone "like him", and could let herself be treated so poorly for so many years. How shameful!!

And yet, it happened for a very good reason. I was MEANT to go through that crap because one single good thing happened: my daughter was born and through her I learned to love myself.

This is path you're walking. It's a long friggin path. But it's soooo worth it. And we're right here with you.
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Old 06-29-2010, 08:20 AM
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Originally Posted by Hurtingbad View Post
I do have a bit of a personality problem. When I can't figure something out, I study it and learn about it until I find a solution. that's why i've been so successful in my career. I have never found a problem I couldn't figure out. This is just so foreign to me. I feel so angry, so cheated.
That's the exact kind of thinking that had me stuck for years, too many too painful years.
I'm afraid you're approaching this problem from a wrong angle, or even more you're focusing on a wrong problem. the one that is out of your power to solve. But if you change your focus from him to you, and open up to discover even things you might not be ready to learn about yourself, than there is a problem you can solve. As right now you're trying to get something you can't have, you want reality under your terms, not for what it really is. I'm not judging you, far from it, I'm just trying to offer alternative perspective. IMO being smart is not as much about solving things that come our way, but more about finding alternatives to things we're unable to solve.
I found the more I was willing to challange myself to alternatives of my thinking, beliefs and paradigms on life, the more I was likely to move in the right direction.
I wish you well
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Old 06-29-2010, 08:38 AM
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Sorry you are angry but I'm glad you have feelings, are aware of them, and can identify them. All the feelings you listed and why sound logical and reasonable to me. Al-Anon is a good idea and please don't fool ypurself: It is not his "fault" that you "need" Al-Anon. I am glad you are going, it'll help you to learn how to own just your side of the street. Lastly, I agree with the others above, it is NOT your responsibility to help anyone get or stay sober.
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Old 06-29-2010, 08:59 AM
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Originally Posted by Hurtingbad View Post
and now I have to deal with his disease.

Too much.
I totally get what you are saying - and the feeling of being overwhelmed. Overwhelmed can be an understatement.

The good news is that you do not have to deal with his disease. You really can let that go. Create your boundaries. Make them for yourself and for others. Focus your energy on something you have control over - yourself. You can do something about your reactions to his problems. "When I start thinking about him and his issues for more then 5 minutes (or getting angry about his problems) I will take a walk around the block (or make a cup of tea or read a chapter from a funny book or call a friend or whatever works for you). " I had to make myself do that. I was very used to focusing my energy on making long mental lists of what he should do or what I could do to work around him or change him. The I just need to try harder, find the magic bullet, do this one last thing fallacy.

My mental lists have changed to things I can do for myself.

Al anon will help with finding a way to let it go and not be angry in the first place. I look at it this way. I needed al-anon before I was in my relationship with an A. People who don't need it move on from relationships with dysfunctional people long before they have to figure out why their life has fallen apart.
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Old 06-29-2010, 01:10 PM
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Well, the last conversation happened today. He was hung over, surprise, surprise. I guess I enabled him one last time, because now he can use the breakup as an excuse to get loaded again. He missed work, again, and his parents, who might be clueing in a bit, are screening calls from his drinking buddies. I agreed to talk to him one last time, but just to say my peace. I told him that I love him, and care for him deeply. But I can't live my life this way. I told him it's up to him now, how he lives his life, and now he can make decisions that are not affected by my boundaries. I told him that I do not want to talk to him again for a long time, I don't want an email or a message. I told him that if he can ever honestly say to himself that he is ready to deal with his alcoholism, that I will help and support him with friendship only. If he needs a ride to AA or couselling, I will drive him. But I will not listen to "I'm sorry's" or any kind of drama. I'm now out of this production. I will not take an answer tomorrow, or even next week. I will not check up on him anymore. I told him he might even call in a year and I won't be ready to talk yet. This is on my terms now. I gave him his chance to make it on his terms, and that chance was abused so much, that I know there will never be trust between us again. So goodbye dear friend. Yes we shared some good times, we laughed, we smiled. But I have also cried more in the last three months than I ever have in my entire life. We also shared a lot of pain. I will still feel pain when I think of all of the fun things we planned to do. toronto Pride is next week, and I am going solo now. That will be good for me. I might even be able to go have a beer on the patio. That is something I have not been able to do, out of fear, for a very long time. This weekend is going to be about me. But I wish you well and pray that you find the strength inside of you to start getting out of this and breaking the cycle. I know you have it in you, I have seen the glimmer of hope inside, I have seen the person who wants to fight this. But I can not help you. Only you can help you. Please find the light, because you are a really great person, with a terrible disease.
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